The positive outcome of a faith crisis

[Anonymous]

Hi there. The last couple of years have been a rollercoaster for me (i assume its been like that for pretty much everyone in here, no matter how long the ride has been for each of you).

Starting a soft faith crisis about 5-6 years ago, where i just slowly started to see the world less miracelous (spelling?), less divinely controlled, and at a point i remember saying out loud to myself “I dont believe in God anymore”. I regained my faith in God somehow but something had shifted, not sure why. I knew about some problematic things in church history, but not nearly as much as i do now. I can’t really say what caused the shift, it just happened. Maybe it was a part of becoming an adult, getting married, having kids I just somehow started viewing the world in a much more grayscaled way. And i guess i started to view the gospel and the church the same way.

Then at some point i started wondering if i could stay a latter day saint, as i felt my faith just uncoupling, and drifting. One day, just for fun i did a “should i stay lds” on google… and guess what popped up! staylds. Here i heard about “mormon stories”, “mormon matters”, “ a thoughtful faith” podcasts and i just started the podcast journey. It was JUST what i needed, and after a couple of months i found myself allowing me SO MUCH more wiggle room in the church, It was MY faith now, and i decided what i firmly believed in, and what I felt “meet..” about. Faith reconstruction time.

At about that time, it started feeling much more closer to God (and i read denver snuffers “conversing with the Lord through the veil, a very good read, though i dont agree with everything), and I had a couple of spiritual experiences that are special to me now. No, i didn’t see angels, but had a special dream where Crist appeared, (thats for another post some day…) and my prayers and the blessings i gave to people where MUCH more clear and spiritual. I knew about all the historical weirdness, and it bothered me, but never enough for me to loose the spiritual side of me. It was actually a good thing, because it showed me that nothing was perfect, and i didnt have to fit a special mold. I could question, think for myself etc, because history showed me that SO many people had done so before.

That slowly wore off, and now I am here. I go to church, if find it mostly uplifting, but many times i feel a certain AAARRRRGH!!!-ness because other people seem so locked in their old narrow view of things (silly of me, yes!).

I miss the spiritual awakening i had, and now that i know all the stuff about church history, thats the only thing that is still here in my mind. The spiritual stuff is slowly fading away. And its hurting, and making me actually loose some faith again. I find myself looking into church history more now, to feel more smart than other people. To have a type of secret knowledge, and thats just plain selfish and arrogant. No knowledge should do that. Before it just elevated my spiritual self, because the messiness of history just gave me more wiggle room. Not so no, and i need to drop that!

So thats why i am asking you: What were the spiritual benefits from your faith crisis? How did it actually help you get closer to God/the spiritual side in you? Positive stuff please, i know about the negative stuff:)

Thanks:)

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you asked, Bear. The faith crisis and or transition is often so fraught with negativity. especially emotionally, that it’s easy to stay focused on that and forget or not look at the positives. I’m sure like most things others will have had different experiences than me and will note different positive outcomes than I do. I do appreciate the opportunity to think about it and share my thoughts, though.

The biggest plus for me has been the new (and faithful) understandings – the great oaks planted in the sandy soil. Had I not doubted I would not have the understanding I have now of the simplicity of the gospel or of how encompassing God’s mercy and grace are.

I still struggle with emotion vs. feeling the Spirit. Since this was an integral part of my own crisis, I’m not sure I will overcome it totally. But I have learned (re-learned?) what the Spirit does feel like and some discernment about those feelings.

I have a renewed testimony of Jesus Christ. I believe in a way I had not previously believed.

I have learned to let some things go. I understand that not everybody can do that, but as long as I can I will. Coupled with this is that I have learned to respect the beliefs of others, and in particular the beliefs of church members – even if I don’t agree with them and think they are absolutely dead wrong.

There are probably more, but these ones came to mind immediately.

[Anonymous]

I can say for myself that internally I am MUCH more at peace and feel closer to God. I actually didn’t ever lose my faith in God while in the midst of my faith crisis. I remember begging God to tell me if what he was trying to tell me was that the church wasn’t true – asking if he was guiding me away. Even for a decade I had been saying I saw the Gospel separate from the church (an administrative need) and a separate Mormon culture. But I was still trying to reach God through the church and my efforts to please him. I don’t see it that way at all now. I feel more directly connected to God and I feel much more concerned about how I am helping my fellow man (not just home teaching) than ever before. The church (at the ward level) is a good organization that gives me opportunities to serve, but I see that as a starting point – not “the point”.

Even though I want others to not have to go through what I did alone, I can look back now and say I am glad it happened. I am happier now and I feel more love towards others and much less concerned about specifics of the church. It is a bit more separate than before – if that makes any sense.

[Anonymous]

Makes total sense. (Both of the posts) And i can recognize pretty much all those feelings in myself. Especially being more forgiving and open to other members opinions after the FC. Thanks for sharing!

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[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t ever think having a surfer girl get her arm bitten off by a shark is a good thing, her life is changed forever, and she can’t wish to go back to the way it was before the attack. I wouldn’t ever propose people can grow by going to have a shark encounter, or that everyone should or would have that experience. But shark attacks happen. And when they do…how will the person surviving it go on with their life and handle themselves? There will be some that could go through such an ordeal and come out saying they benefited in ways they never could have otherwise. Good for them if they can make something positive out of it.

We may not have a choice about having a faith crisis. But we always have a choice on what we do about it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe having a faith crisis is an indication that something wasn’t working out before. Something about life before the faith crisis wasn’t positive and the faith crisis (hopefully) was meant to remedy that. Like Heber13 said, it’s really how we react to it… and a positive reaction can develop over time. It’s not how long it takes to find a silver lining, it’s finding the silver lining.

1) Humility.

2) Personally, my faith crisis rescued me from crushing guilt. No one need suppose me guilty of any great or malignant sins. A disposition to commit such was never in my nature; however, the lens through which I viewed Mormonism demanded perfection, a completely defect free lifestyle. I was my own harshest judge spiraling ever downward in depression. My inadequacies were measured against a church that represented and demanded perfection, I always came up lacking. Mercy was completely absent from the equation. My faith crisis changed the lens through which I viewed Mormonism. It broke the cycle of the downward spiral. I could be happy being me, my best efforts were finally validated.

I’m not trying to justify sin, but something needed to break the unhealthy scrupulosity that was weighing me down.

3) Most importantly, it helped me become an agent unto myself. I cease to obey and begin to act. That doesn’t mean I devolve into debauchery and begin to disobey gods commandments, it simply means that I have internalized my morals. I don’t have to look to an imperfect book or an imperfect person for moral authority, moral authority rests within. Moral living becomes a spring of water welling up within me to eternal life. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect either, it simply means that I’ve taken ownership and responsibility for living a moral life.

4) It helped me find comfort in uncertainty.

Some people can do all of that without a faith crisis. I needed one.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah. The guilt issue.

I used to be very hard on myself on not meeting what I needed to do. And like Nibbler, I am guilty of not usually fully fasting (it gives me killer headaches for usually about 2 days), I don’t read my scriptures anything close to regularly, I really like Dr. Pepper, I don’t have 100% home teaching (especially when the inactive family gives me that vibe that they would rather I not visit them). As you can see, I am a helpless case.

I do still have guilt for some things, but it isn’t some boulder on my shoulder – it is something nudging me to do better. And better in different areas – much more about helping my fellow man. That is where my guilt is now. How am I helping those that are suffering?

I have listened to a few of the podcasts on mormondiscussion and especially the ones on grace. Those have my attention and I am pondering them more and more.

[Anonymous]

Ah, I love positive threads.

In all honesty, I think my faith crisis is one of the best and most spiritual blessings I could have asked for, but only because it came at a time in my life when I was best equipped to handle it. Looking back, it felt like a lot of little things built up over the years was preparing me for it. I think I’m also a little like you, Bear, in that I like knowing things that other people don’t know — it’s an arrogant thing, but it’s what led me to my faith crisis, and at the same time, it’s part of what prepared me to handle it. The like of knowing things other people don’t know stems from my desire to have logic and facts backing up every opinion I put forth. If I can’t defend something using logic and facts, then I internally struggle with it, and that’s no fun.

One of the positive things that came out of my faith crisis was, like other people have said, the ability to define my own beliefs. I allowed myself to choose what to believe in; it’s weird that many of us talk about it this way, but it’s really like we had to give ourselves permission not to believe in every little thing that comes from church. I had to start from scratch and build a new foundation for myself, and although I’m still on the long road to doing so, the new beliefs I have are backed by my love of logic and my personal spiritual experiences. I guess, in a way, the faith crisis forced me to assess my personal spiritual experiences and find a reconciliation between them and logic and science, which are integral parts of my personality.

I realized how much I was missing that balance when I began watching the TV series Cosmos a week or so ago. I’d been meaning to do so for a while pre-FC, but I avoided it, because for years I’d struggled with evolution and creationism and figuring out where I could comfortably sit. Post-FC, I allowed myself to accept that I could have both science and spirituality, and that opened up my beliefs and mind so much so that I honestly feel much more spiritual than before when it seemed like the standard religion didn’t allow the acceptance of scientific fact. In one of the episodes of Cosmos, the host talks about how the thought of every living thing on Earth evolved from one single thing, and how that was one of the most spiritual things he could think of. And I really loved that.

So I guess in short, one of the biggest spiritual benefits from my FC was my ability to merge my spirituality with my logical sense. It’s weird, but it gave me a great appreciation and belief in a higher power.

Another spiritual benefit that I love having received from my FC was that I’m much more accepting of other belief systems. I no longer find myself thinking “ah, if only they knew the truth,” because I’ve been able to define my belief in that there is one true belief system, but it varies from person to person — many paths in one direction. For me, that post-FC belief of mine helped me reaffirm my belief in a loving, caring higher power.

I guess in short, my FC brought me closer to God, because I allowed myself to discard all the little things that were distracting me. It allowed me to focus and form my own key beliefs that, for what felt like the first time in my life, granted me peace between my spirituality and my logical, science-based mind.

[Anonymous]

Great thread….Postives for me: 1) forced me to grow spiritually and live by the spirit of the law verse the letter of the law.2) more honest about what I don’t know 3) more open to finding truth throughout the world 4) less guilt complex and understand how God loves me more and 5). closer to my husband and kids than ever before.

[Anonymous]

1. I have peace.

2. I’ve reacquainted with many great friends from high school and the mission.

3. I reached out to my BIL who i hadn’t spoken to in 15 years. Found out he has formally left the church.

4. Formed many great friendships and community that i would never have before the faith crisis.

Basically. … the positive for me is the friendships and relationships that I’ve built, repaired and renewed over the past 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Bear wrote:

At about that time, it started feeling much more closer to God (and i read denver snuffers “conversing with the Lord through the veil, a very good read, though i dont agree with everything), and I had a couple of spiritual experiences that are special to me now. No, i didn’t see angels, but had a special dream where Crist appeared, (thats for another post some day…) and my prayers and the blessings i gave to people where MUCH more clear and spiritual. I knew about all the historical weirdness, and it bothered me, but never enough for me to loose the spiritual side of me. It was actually a good thing, because it showed me that nothing was perfect, and i didnt have to fit a special mold. I could question, think for myself etc, because history showed me that SO many people had done so before.That slowly wore off, and now I am here. I go to church, if find it mostly uplifting, but many times i feel a certain AAARRRRGH!!!-ness because other people seem so locked in their old narrow view of things (silly of me, yes!).I miss the spiritual awakening i had, and now that i know all the stuff about church history, thats the only thing that is still here in my mind. The spiritual stuff is slowly fading away. And its hurting, and making me actually loose some faith again. I find myself looking into church history more now, to feel more smart than other people. To have a type of secret knowledge, and thats just plain selfish and arrogant. No knowledge should do that. Before it just elevated my spiritual self, because the messiness of history just gave me more wiggle room. Not so no, and i need to drop that!

In the depths of my FC I had a spiritual experience that seemed almost like pure love. It let me know that I was accepted of God and hadn’t screwed up by ending up in my present predicament. Based upon that impression, I began to rebuild my assumptive world. I would feel the spirit so strongly at worship services or in some other special contexts (temple, blessings, etc.) and would almost be overcome with emotion.

I haven’t felt that same way in some time. I hold on to the information received in that first spiritual experience but I can’t remember exactly what it felt like anymore. I can describe the feeling intellectually, but I can’t recall the feeling if that makes sense. I’m not even quite sure what room I was in when the impression came. I have wondered if it was really God speaking to me or if the impression came from inside of me to answer my deepest need. I still like the message of worship services and blessings but they haven’t touched me as deeply for some time.

I feel that this is actually normal for me. At the time I was very exposed, vulnerable, and emotionally raw. I was unsettled and somewhat adrift internally. Now that I have rebuilt my internal structure and am stable perhaps spiritual experiences are less necessary now. Where once a powerful message from heaven reordered my understanding of my relationship to God, I know feel that systemic processes and administration handle any issues of the day. Perhaps I found where I needed to be and dropped anchor, negating the need for future wayfaring.

I assume that some are able to maintain a much more regular occurance of spiritual experiences. That does not seem to be the case for me – and that is ok…I am ok.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. Beautiful stories. Thanks for sharing and keep them coming. I can relate to all of them.

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[Anonymous]

A positive benefit for me has been the capacity to help guide others in the throws of faith crisis to compassionate and balanced podcasts and websites. My current EQ has at least 3 members (that I know of) that are just starting down that road that I have assisted, I have seen 2 others before them leave and i felt regret I could not at least give them the info like , mormonmatters.org (Dan Wortherspoon), athoughtfulfaith.org, mormondiscussionpodcast.org (Bill Reel) and introduce them to authors like T and F. Givens and discussion boards such ours at StayLDS.com. It has been a pleasure to offer these balanced perspectives to those who do not know where to go for trusting information (on the whole) anymore within the many extremes that can be found on the Web.

[Author]

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