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Excellent article that I could have written about bullying, as my family has experienced it (my daughter particularly). http://ldsliving.com/story/76598-the-sad-truth-about-bullying-at-church Silent Dawning, thanks for posting this link. I just spent way too much time reading the comments and they will make a person weep for what has been happening inside the church! I so hope someone from the church leadership circles reads those comments too! This is a real problem in the church that needs a world wide training broadcast from the top leadership. Too many local leaders believe boys will be boys, all kids get bullied, they just need to fight back, etc. Every person at church should feel safe. There is quote I’ve been trying to locate by Chieko Okasaki that states something about needing to feel safe to be able to feel the Spirit in church. Status and callings are very important to many in the church and that is also a contributing factor to bullying being overlooked so often.
I think the second sad truth is 30+ years ago, Brent and Blaine Yorgeson wrote a book called Others. It’s key story was called Dog food. The event was real. In a nutshell, a girl was harrassed and excluded by her ward Young Women peers. Not just cold rejection, but slights, meanness, etc. Her parents had talks with the other girls parents, and leaders but to no avail. Then the family of the abused girl was being shipped out – on the girls last Sunday at church – she slipped out in the foyer to help a mom with a fussy child. After Sacrament meeting the other Young Women rushed through the chapels doors and giddyingly ran to the rejected girl like she was a best bud. They gave her a box, told her how much they would miss her, then waited while she opened the gift. In the box was can of dog food. The rest of the book is filled with real accounts of inclusion and rejection with the message being the inclusion is the best choice. Here we are 35 years later and we haven’t changed much. It hurts.
The hard part for me was when my daughter said “Why, Daddy, do I feel safer in my school than I do in my own church?”. And the other sad part is that there isn’t a very good way of getting away from a Ward that isn’t working for you. You lose your full fellowship if you jump wards. And I have found that the leaders discourage leaving wArds, and often have silly advice.
In one instance, the Bishop blamed my daughter for a bullying instance. It happened when one of the mean girls in her class was about to swipe the smart phone of a girl who had stood up to write something on the board. The girl had left her phone on her chair.
My daughter, who was next to the phone, shook her head at the mean girl and picked up the phone to keep it safe for the girl at the board until she retrurned. This led to bullying, and the priesthood leader chastised my daugther for touching the cell phone that was about to be nabbed by the mean girl.
Talk about being punished for doing good!
In my old university wards, they started “enforcing” (as well as they could, anyway) the boundary lines, as in if you lived in this area, you went to this ward, and no ward hopping if you don’t like it. They said they didn’t like how the young single adults were “ward shopping” for the “best ward”. I understood the reasons behind it, as in it was difficult knowing who was in what ward for rolls, locking down people for callings, and figuring out who to assign for visiting and home teaching. But I always thought it was an interesting term. And I always remembered how uncomfortable and lonely I was in my home ward growing up, how much I loved being in my friends’ ward instead. It makes for a better experience spiritually and mentally when you are surrounded by a positive, encouraging environment. There’s definitely a “look the other way” type of mentality when people at church see something uncomfortable. A friend of mine linked this on Facebook before I saw it here, and I went through and read all the comments and just felt sick. My family and I have been the subjects of minor bullying in our home ward, such as an individual scathingly and pointedly questioning the parenting techniques of some of my family members (because of our political views and some common family problems that came to light…I mean, seriously?), but it’s been from only a few people (mostly middle-age women or young women, although I have heard instances where men have said cruel things about other men and their wives). On the whole, I count the home ward as one of the good ones, though, which is sad in that it very strongly exists even there. I’m sure it’s only gotten worse in the younger circles. I just don’t see it since I attend a single’s ward now with its own interesting culture.
I view the geographical boundary rule similar to creating a monopolistic situation. If you lock people out of full fellowship if they don’t attend their home Ward, you create an environment where wards are not accountable for the experiences they provide their members. In fact, I feel the church does everything possible to avoid accountability to the membership — such as no transparency on financials, “the church is perfect but the people aren’t”, and the often-seen simplification of less activity as “they [the member] got offended”. There are tendencies to blame the member for everything that doesn’t make them happy, and to tell people just to suck it up. I now see it as very odd that people view policies as inspired, so when you contradict them, or give alternate approaches, they comment that “its not your place to tell the Lord how to run His church”. But then, a few years later, they make changes to address the problem. it’s not that it’s “divinely revealed”, it’s that the leadership wasn’t aware of the problem, or only saw the wisdom of changing it after repeated evidence it’s a problem — like the bullying article.
I noticed that the parents of the girl in the article had her attend a different ward in another stake to solve the problem. We moved wards because our then 6 yr. old daughter was being bullied. There was one ring-leader and the other girls were more like silent partners. We complained to her parents several times.
Unfortunately I do not see what would have been done. The parents were aware of the problem. They were serving as EQP and in the Primary presidency. What kind of consequences could even a sympathetic ward leader impose against this girl or her family?
After we switched wards (using my work schedule as an excuse – we felt that going public about the bullying reason would have invited the whole ward to choose sides) we were called into the bishop’s office for questioning. He had heard rumors ranging from we just couldn’t get up in time for church to we were attending other Christian churches in the morning time slot. We told him that it was a choice between attending as a family or attending without me. He encouraged us to attend our regular ward and said that the ward would help DW with our kids in my absence. That particularly struck me as a big empty promise, but I will never know for sure because we did NOT go back. After about 6 months we were able to relocate inside the new ward boundaries.
I do believe that bullying can happen in any organization. However, I also think that our tendencies towards focus on certain appearances of outside conformity and exclusivity exacerbate the problem in LDS communities.
The part in Roy’s post that got me was how the Bishop encouraged the family to attend with out him! I like Roy’s approach of not making a big stink about the bullying and just taking matters into one’s own hands, quietly. I read this thread, or as much as I could stand, and tears came to my eyes. Then I wept, sorry for the victims in the thread, and sorry for my siblings and children for the things they endured as victims of bullying. They say that often when you have tears, it is not necessarily always the spirit, or only sorrow for others, but also often the tears for your own unresolved issues. That must be at least partly the case for me here. When my parents divorced and my mother moved us to Mormontown to be close to her father, we were in some ways pariahs. It was the early 60’s and my parents had been married in the temple. My mother was a very attractive woman. Although I understand my parents did not split up over moral improprieties, there were at that time not too many temple divorces without sexual wrongdoing. There must be something wrong with us somehow. I saw the effects most strongly in my 10 year old sister. She was a sweet unsophisticated soul. She was our war leader, quick to defend her weaker siblings (mainly me) against neighborhood threats, but tender hearted and uncomplicated. She was no match for the ward’s 10 year old girl Sunday school / Primary social scene. She was on the outs. She got pushed around by the popular girls. I don’t remember what help she got from my mom – my mom was busy with her own issues, not the least of which was finding work and setting up a new household. When DS1 would complain to me about her treatment at the hands of the other girls, I would try to suggest changes she could make in the way she approached things. I wasn’t much help, but my arguments, bad as they must have been, were hard for her to refute and she would become angry and frustrated at me and the “help” sessions would usually end up with her socking me. Then she would be sorry and cry some more about that.
She was a good girl, helpful in the family and staying active at church despite the pain. However, she stopped trying to compete in the feminine areas. She became the ultimate tomboy, eschewing the ladylike graces in almost every way possible. I have to say that I didn’t mind too much at first; her combat prowess in the neighborhood wars kept us in the fight and helped us hold our own. But as we grew older, and space and respect was won on the neighborhood battlefield, the gap between her and the other girls widened. Her belches and loud exclamations and artless comments stood out more and more. She became embarrassing to be around in public. She didn’t attract many boys, but when any showed the least bit of interest in her she would freeze up and panic. She was too afraid to go on any dates. I think she went on one. By now, the mean girls had moderated. Some of them tried to help but it was too late. My advice hadn’t got any better either, but her slugs ending the help sessions got harder. Finally, I gave it up and just tried to make her as happy as she could be. Life became so much simpler and happier.
DS1 got a job with the telephone company after high school, eventually becoming a telephone line repair person. She was good at it. She held that job for many years until rheumatoid arthritis forced a move to the office. She finally got a medical retirement. She never married, but is a beloved aunt and neighborhood friend to all fortunate enough to come across her path.
One thing I really don’t like about bullies, is that the ones that repent, often go on to live righteous lives, and often in leadership roles, apparently unscarred by their complicity in someone else’s downfall. And then I have the uneasy feeling I am tarred with the same brush for like things that I have done. The beam and the mote. Some of my tears must be of guilt.
I am sorry your sister had to put up with this. She did find a way of coping, although from the sound of your post, that carried its own pain with it. I am sorry to hear about it. I feel sorrow too for what happened to her. I want to comment on further on this, as the bullying experience in our ward (the worst of which was forcible confinement, duct taping my daughter’s mouth, and attempting to bind her hands and feet with tape) was rather extreme. It was also repeated with other forms of bullying and ostracization happening… We left the Ward for neighboring stake 3 years ago and returned to our local ward in February of this year…
My daughter has attended our home now and then. She reached out to one of the bullies and they apologized and had a few tears, although they never really bonded like they once did prior to the bullying. But she still attends the Ward in a neighboring Stake. She held a going-away party recently, and none of the home ward she invited girls came, but the “bootleg ward” — the one in a different stake, brought people in droves. Our new, home ward bishop and his wife came. I met all the kids from the neighboring stake — great, socially aware, smart, university-bound kids without arrogance. They were inclusive, and could carry on mature conversations with adults.
To the Church’s credit, although they would not accept my wife and I in the non-geographical Ward with formal callings, the leaders did give us assignments. And they fully embraced my daughter (most of them, except a couple). She received her YW Medallion at 14 years of age in the non-geographical Ward and was recognized there. Recently, the Stake President in the neighboring Stake told her she was welcome to come in full participation to their stake, although any recommends for temple trips would have to come from her Bishop. She actually held a formal pianist calling for a while in that stake — and was sustained after she turned 17. So, I do give the church credit for accepting her (in spite of policy), even though we never shared the bullying problem that led us there.
In short, our strategy worked — in spite of not being consistent with church policy. My daughter has emerged from the experience with empathy for others, and is fully active. She also grew spiritually self-reliant as we stopped attending church in the neighboring Stake for a while after the adults sort of rejected us and the local leadership got frustrated with our endless story of “moving into the Ward” that never happened. She attended alone, even though we sat at home off and on for about 8 months.
In a way, I consider this a triumphant story. The odds were against our family, and particularly against my daughter, but she emerged whole from the experience. Thanks to God, thanks to the leaders in the neighboring stake, thanks to the character of my daughter that withstood the bullying. Bullying has no place in any organization and definitely not in the the “true church”.
SD What a horrible experience your daughter had! I am impressed by the changes you made in your lives to address the situation. I’m glad things worked out so well and hope for the best as your lives continue to unfold.
When DS2 and DS3 were in scouts, a couple of high power families moved into our ward up here in the frozen wastelands of the north. I think they were from California or Utah or maybe one of each. Anyway, they had a bunch of privilidged boys who seemed to think life was too dull. They formed an alliance with a doctor’s son in the ward, and a son of a local federal agency head. They ran roughshod over some of the other scouts, including my two sons. One night it came to a head down at the church. I was working late at the plant, but DW got involved. The alliance had disabled our sons bikes and when the sons objected, they stuffed our boys into trash cans. DW found out about it and went ballistic. She called the police. I came home in time to meet the officer at the house. He wanted to know if we wanted to prosecute. We said no, but we would appreciate if the officer would make the rounds to the alliance homes and let them know that we could file charges if we chose to. Things toned down quite a bit after that, but as you can imagine there was a lot of awkwardness in the ward for awhile. I have to give credit to all the adults involved, including the church leaders for not letting things escalate further. Still, I think our sons paid a disproportionate cost by the time all was said and done. I don’t think in our case moving out of the ward would have worked. The community is too small. Who really knows?
I loved this article that talked about the youth who are left behind: http://www.wheatandtares.org/21036/i-have-not-abandoned-you-you-have-abandoned-me/ Our ward boundaries just got smashed to smithereens on Sunday with members of our ward going into 4 different wards, one of which was newly formed. Our family was added to an existing ward, and these people do live closer to us, but we’ve been told there are some issues with cliques in the YW. We are nervous, but hopeful as the new leadership came out the very next day to welcome all of us with a home visit. They are going above and beyond to make sure the ward gains cohesion, that the newly assigned families feel welcome. My daughter was talking about one of the other girls in the new ward, someone she isn’t keen to befriend because the girl makes her uncomfortable. While I don’t think my daughter would bully, she herself is very sensitive to slights, and I worry that her insecurity will result in that girl feeling ostracized. Maybe that girl already has her own set of friends, I don’t know. But she was brought in from another ward too (not our same ward, and not the existing ward). And when she said she was uncomfortable, I wasn’t sure what that meant.
She says the girl isn’t allowed to watch TV or read any books her mother hasn’t read first, and so she hasn’t read any Harry Potter books or Hunger Games or any of the other things the girls are interested in. So they have little in common. Sometimes I don’t know what to do when the parents are deliberately isolating their kids with this kind of behavior. Close friendships are based on common interests and time doing things together. I can tell my daughter to reach out and be friends, but that doesn’t mean they will be able to form a friendship that is more than just superficial, and what kids really need is a support network of peers.
Willhewonder wrote:SD
What a horrible experience your daughter had! I am impressed by the changes you made in your lives to address the situation. I’m glad things worked out so well and hope for the best as your lives continue to unfold.
When DS2 and DS3 were in scouts, a couple of high power families moved into our ward up here in the frozen wastelands of the north. I think they were from California or Utah or maybe one of each. Anyway, they had a bunch of privilidged boys who seemed to think life was too dull. They formed an alliance with a doctor’s son in the ward, and a son of a local federal agency head. They ran roughshod over some of the other scouts, including my two sons. One night it came to a head down at the church. I was working late at the plant, but DW got involved. The alliance had disabled our sons bikes and when the sons objected, they stuffed our boys into trash cans. DW found out about it and went ballistic. She called the police.
I came home in time to meet the officer at the house. He wanted to know if we wanted to prosecute. We said no, but we would appreciate if the officer would make the rounds to the alliance homes and let them know that we could file charges if we chose to. Things toned down quite a bit after that, but as you can imagine there was a lot of awkwardness in the ward for awhile.I have to give credit to all the adults involved, including the church leaders for not letting things escalate further. Still, I think our sons paid a disproportionate cost by the time all was said and done. I don’t think in our case moving out of the ward would have worked. The community is too small. Who really knows? This is shocking — to throw them in garbage cans!!! I feel determined and angry as I read this.
I made the rounds personally with my daughter and confronted the bullies with their parents present. I told them I could call the police if I wanted. They looked at us SHOCKED and one of the bullies started crying. Things were never the same with the youth, although there were apologies, but in leaving and standing up that way, we felt we had “taken back the night”.
Something like this happened at school to my daughter. I encouraged her to read the Code of Conduct, find which item of the code had been violated, and then report it to the administration. She went with a friend to report it, and there was a no contact agreement put in place between her and the bully. Victory number 2. She learned how to assert herself…
I hope HawkGrrl’s family is able to find community in their own ward. I don’t hesitate to get the Ward leadership involved when there is clear bullying. Even then, one of the priesthood leaders took a “blame the victim” stance as part of his overall rebuke to everyone. It was totally uncalled for, looking at it as objectively as possible. As someone with an internal locus of control, I can be honest with myself…
I think there was a need for an anti-bullying program in our Stake at the time. If it had continued (had we stayed in our Ward), I may have even gone to the SP to insist on an anti-bullying program.
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