The Saga of Turin Turambar Continues

[Anonymous]

I’d like to check in with all of you in my Stay LDS Ward family. I have thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from your stories over the past couple of months, and not a day goes by that I don’t read about your experiences and empathize with you. Thank you so much for your love and understanding of one another. I don’t even want to try to thank all of the individuals that have helped me along my way, so I hope that this general expression of gratitude is sufficient. Thank you.

It has been approximately 9 or 10 months since I stopped going to church. I have watched all of the past two general conferences and have read about the goings-on both in the church globally and in Utah politics. I have come to understand that the Brethren believe they must defeat same-sex marriage in order to defend the Family. And that belief stands in direct conflict with my most important needs at this time in my life. And since the faithful membership invariably echoes the thoughts of the brethren, it creates an environment that is poisonous to my soul. It doesn’t matter how many times they say “we love you, we want you here with us”. As long as they demand the de-humanizing life of celibacy in order to even be considered a good member, even a person, those expressions of love ring emptily in the silence.

This is not about sex. It is about so much more. Just imagine if you were told that in order to return to God’s presence you were required to divorce your spouse, disown your children, and live alone for the rest of your life without even the simplest human touch involved in holding hands and kissing someone you love, would you do it? Could you really imagine yourselves in that position? Who would choose such a thing? Certainly not E !@#$—he remarried pretty quickly after the death of his wife. And yet he is the foremost apostle demanding such a life from not only LGBT members of the church, but all other LGBT citizens of this country. What do you want us to do? We can’t “pray the gay away”, there is no therapeutic method effective at changing sexual orientation, we’re now told that not only is mixed orientation marriage not therapeutic, but even E !@#$ would not subject his own daughters to a marriage to a gay man. Nobody wants to play this out in their minds to its logical conclusion– a life of lonely suffering, or even suicide. I don’t mean to get personal and pointed, but the effects in my life are very personal, and the irony screams out at me. As a man nearing his fourth decade of life, I can tell you that the absence of companionship and intimacy in my life coupled with unempathetic demands for celibacy from the church that I love(d) so much is demoralizing, dehumanizing, and soul crushing.

I have lived for several decades in humble submission to the words of the apostles on this subject. I went through countless hours of individual and group therapy (paid for by fast offerings, for which I am certainly grateful). I have kept the law of chastity. But all of this has been such a weight on my soul that eventually I learned to be numb. To be cynical of the love lives of my friends. To be a stunted child, stuck in perpetual adolescence, not allowed to be a real adult due to my lack of marriage and children. Not only that, but the cultural injunction to be straight has caused me to go into hiding, lest I be discovered and rejected. It makes me closed off, guarded. This has had negative implications throughout my personal and professional life.

Something happened in the last six months to change all of this. I have had to largely give up my literal faith. I often wish that I could go back to the warmth of the “knowledge” that my priesthood leaders are guiding me and the church in a safe path back to God. I miss the esprit de corps of “knowing” that I was a soldier in a mighty army of truth and righteousness. I miss being able to turn to the authority of the Scriptures for divine guidance. The brethren no longer hold uncontestable moral authority for me. I see the Scriptures as a pastiche of writings that contain the experiences and spiritual thoughts of fallible men and women (well, mostly men), some of which are inspired but many of which are not. I still hope for a father God, and for a Savior. But I certainly don’t “know” anything anymore.

The results of this have been a mixed bag. I have my joy for life back, maybe true joy for the first time in my life. I no longer wish for death. In my job as a college professor, I have regained confidence in my ideas and teaching technique. And for the first time in three years, since I finished my doctoral dissertation, I feel a real drive to conduct research. And I want to play music again. The only drawback is a deep sense of sadness that I no longer have “the real thing” spiritually. Letting go of that, however, has released my soul from its prison cell, and gave it permission to think its own thoughts, to believe its own beliefs, and to live its own life authentically. I keep the law chastity, I keep the word of wisdom, my values are largely Mormon values. But they are mine.

If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to tell you a little bit about my avatar. Turin Turambar is a tragic hero from Tolkien’s The Children of Hurin. He was modeled after Kullervo, the hero in the Finnish national epic Kalevala. Like Kulervo, Turin is considered “irretrievably irredeemable” as a result of a set of fateful circumstances. His entire family was cursed by the evil being Morgoth as a result of his father’s actions. No matter what circumstances he is in, he seems to bring ruin all the people around him, and ends in suicide after he realizes the identity of his lover, who happens to be his sister, was cursed as he was. The story can be found in many pieces throughout Tolkien’s sketches, but has been published in narrative format by his son Christopher Tolkien as The Children of Hurin. It’s a good read, I highly recommend it. http://www.amazon.com/The-Children-H%C3%BArin-Pre-Lord-Rings/dp/0345518845

Anyway, I liked the character of Turin Turambar, and may have had some subconscious reason for choosing him as my avatar. No matter what he did, he was sealed to his fate. Not half a year ago, I felt sealed to my fate. If I wanted to be a member of the church in good standing, there was only one possible life for me–a celibate, lonely life. There was no other option, and all my life paths seem to lead to that one, bleak lifestyle. But a funny thing has happened, as a result of my faith transition. I no longer immediately grant moral authority to the Brethren. They have said and done a variety of things that have made life very difficult for LGBT people in the church (and outside of the church, for that matter), most of which seem to be largely based on cultural biases and personal opinions. I have to give them some credit for the change in discourse that has happened over the last couple of years. The website mormonsandgays.com, along with a handful of admonitions in General Conference to act with charity toward LGB T people whether you approve of their lives or not. It’s still really feels like the General Authorities and those who listen to them are keeping gay people at a distance. It’s as if they’re saying “we love you, but…”, and that “but” speaks volumes.

I want to publicly thank all of you who take a stand in your personal spheres of influence for LGBT people. I know that it is not easy, and that your advocacy has consequences in your lives. I would like to publicly thank John Dehlin for both his work on Mormon Stories, and his doctoral research into the largely negative effects of sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE). The results of his research discredit the church’s previous efforts at therapy to make gay people straight so that they will more easily fit into the Plan of Salvation. The 21-year-old me, fresh off my mission, desperately wanted the church’s efforts at counseling people out of homosexuality to be divinely appointed. What I discovered after reading many books, meeting other LGB T folks in group therapy contexts, and experiencing no change in my sexual orientation, even after so many hours in so many dollars spent, is that sexual orientation is not a choice and is locked in so early in life that it is virtually unchangeable. If there is a personal God who has placed us here on earth to grow in ways that bring about our immortality and eternal life, it is clear to me now that he must have a purpose for those of us who were born gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, queer, asexual, etc. And that purpose is to have joy in this life, and not endless suffering.

I believe that everyone deserves companionship. Everyone deserves a family. I cannot fault my brothers and sisters who desperately desire to marry one another and to adopt children in the face of public derision. In fact, I may get to a place in a couple of years where I can entertain the possibility of marrying another man and having children. I’m not there yet, but it’s a distinct possibility. At the very least, I now have many options for my life path, not just a miserable, celibate, lonely, single one.

I feel pulled back to limited church attendance. I have always loved the Sacrament, and have gained spiritual strength from my experiences in preparing for, taking, and even administering it. There are times when I feel uplifted in the singing of hymns of worship and longing for Zion. I want that back as part of my life. But I won’t take the other stuff. If Sunday school, Priesthood, and even Fast and Testimony meeting introduce poison back into my life I won’t tolerate it. My mental well-being is too important to allow it. I now have the unenviable task of drawing these boundaries with my Elders Quorum Pres. and Bishop so that I can attend church on my own terms. I hope to do so this Sunday. I don’t want to chicken out like I have the last few months.

Anyway, if you made it to the end of this navelgazing epistle, thank you for your interest and concern. I hope for the best for all of you and will be making more comments now that I’m using dictation software.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Turin — one question — what dictation software are you using? It seems to work very well.

But to the main point — it sounds like you are making progress. Your post has strength in describing what you will and will not tolerate, and you have placed your personal happiness at the forefront. Although your situation is different from mine, I have used these methods to help me find peace as well.

I would like to encourage you to find alternate sources spirituality outside the church as well. I am looking for them now. I have found them in reading the spiritual experiences in my journal. I have found them in service to the community. I have also found them in touching movies and shows. I haven’t had the guts to read the bible of BoM for some time now, but am wondering about other sources of spirituality. I would like to find them…could make a good additional thread here on StayLDS.

I started one here..http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=5606

[Anonymous]

I’m using Dragon Naturally Speaking. Unfortunately, it is native to PC, so if you have a Mac, you’ll have to settle for a much more limited version.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I have my joy for life back, maybe true joy for the first time in my life.

I am SO happy to read that – too happy to describe adequately. Thanks for the update.

I am sending you a Private Message.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing, TT. This must be incredibly hard for you, and I do understand it’s not really about sex – you have expressed this very eloquently.

I wanted to address your desire to return to church. I was away for 10 years and in some ways (but not always) I generally wanted to be a part of the church community and even worship. I think returning on a limited basis is a good idea and might fill your need. Yes, some meetings are harder than others – I find Sunday School particularly challenging, so I generally just don’t go or I do something else (thank you smart phone!). If all you feel you can do is Sacrament Meeting while keeping your sanity, by all means only do that. When I came back my bishop and I had a discussion about what to say to well meaning people who might say something as I was leaving after sacrament. His advice: be straightforward and tell them that was all I was comfortable with at the time. As far as what happens in the meeting, if someone is going somewhere I don’t want to go, it’s smart phone to the rescue again – I usually read scriptures, actually, so I could just use those if I had them with me.

I’m glad you are finding some peace and hope you can continue to do so!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the update and I am so glad that you are doing well.

I think I am conflicted on this. Part of me wants you to find a church community/family that will answer your need for spirituality/connectedness while allowing you to be your full self at the same time.

But that doesn’t fit the mission of this site…so I considered saying nothing at all. Then I thought that would be the bigger mistake by not letting you know that I care. I don’t have good answers but I care.

[Anonymous]

turin, thank you for checking in. You are a very thoughtful & intelligent person.

I’ve wondered about how you are doing. You said the following:

Quote:

This is not about sex. It is about so much more. Just imagine if you were told that in order to return to God’s presence you were required to divorce your spouse, disown your children, and live alone for the rest of your life without even the simplest human touch involved in holding hands and kissing someone you love, would you do it? Could you really imagine yourselves in that position? Who would choose such a thing?

I can’t imagine. I don’t think I could choose such a thing.

I too wish you all the best that this life offers. And the next.

I’m convinced that you will be able to choose the path that’s best for you.

I’m also convinced that God will help you on your quest.

[Anonymous]

I just want you to know that you are one of my heroes. Your posts have taught me (as much as posts can) about what it is like to be a gay mormon. I have shared them with others and I have seen attitudes change. Mine certainly did because of your willingness to put the real you out there. Bless you my friend.

[Anonymous]

turinturambar wrote:

Something happened in the last six months to change all of this. I have had to largely give up my literal faith. I often wish that I could go back to the warmth of the “knowledge” that my priesthood leaders are guiding me and the church in a safe path back to God. I miss the esprit de corps of “knowing” that I was a soldier in a mighty army of truth and righteousness. I miss being able to turn to the authority of the Scriptures for divine guidance. The brethren no longer hold uncontestable moral authority for me. I see the Scriptures as a pastiche of writings that contain the experiences and spiritual thoughts of fallible men and women (well, mostly men), some of which are inspired but many of which are not. I still hope for a father God, and for a Savior. But I certainly don’t “know” anything anymore.

The results of this have been a mixed bag. I have my joy for life back, maybe true joy for the first time in my life. I no longer wish for death. In my job as a college professor, I have regained confidence in my ideas and teaching technique. And for the first time in three years, since I finished my doctoral dissertation, I feel a real drive to conduct research. And I want to play music again. The only drawback is a deep sense of sadness that I no longer have “the real thing” spiritually. Letting go of that, however, has released my soul from its prison cell, and gave it permission to think its own thoughts, to believe its own beliefs, and to live its own life authentically. I keep the law chastity, I keep the word of wisdom, my values are largely Mormon values. But they are mine.

I have different catalysts but I can express similar sentiments.

Thanks for sharing and continuing to share your story.

[Author]

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