- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I’ve found this forum/community about one or two weeks ago and found that people here think very much like me. Since I’m experiencing doubt for the first time in my life and feel the path before me is completelly uncharted, I figured perhaps I could use additional insight and wisdom from people walking this path longer than I’ve been. I’m very new to all of this and I’ve realized I was no longer a “TBM” (as you seem to call it) just last month. Please be patient if I inadvertently break a non-written convention among you (I’ve read the rules) or if I’m not grammatically correct (I’m not an english native speaker). If the level of detail in my accout is unwarranted, please tell me so. I like to write, so this is probably heading a large wall of text.
If any of you have any word of advice for me, I would be very thankful as most of my decisions regarding my future in the Church are yet to be taken.
I’ve been born in the covenant and my two parents are returned missionaries. Both were converted in their middle teen years. On my mother’s side, my grandparents and uncle joined the Church as well. I’m the oldest of five children. I was named Heber after President Heber J. Grant. During most of my childhood my father was a Bishop and then Stake President and I usually didnt see or talk much to him. My maternal uncle also served simultaneously in the same callings of bishop and Stake President. Later, he would serve as mission president. My maternal grandfather, despite being a member of the Church, never really cared much for it. He would attend meetings and obey most of the commandments but one didnt need to be a genius to notice he didnt believe it and was there mostly for our benefit.
I grew up in an area of Brazil where the Church isnt particularly strong and I remember believing as a child that the Church was as small as my Stake. I was really astonished to realize the real size of the Church later.
Perhaps because of my father’s leadeship callings, in my mind, I had difficulty separating the Church from my family even up to my Aaronic Priesthood years. My parents were very involved in my spiritual life and I naturally always took the Church very seriously. I had the opportunity to serve as Deacons and Masters Quorum President and Priest’s quorum first assistant. I’ had an almost perfect record of seminary and later institute attendance. I took “For the Strenght of Youth” pamphlet to heart and obeyed each and every one of its advices.
At 14, as my father was again the Bishop of our small ward, he called me to be an Assistant Clerk and I’ve became involved in Church administration since then. After turning 16, I had a major spiritual experience and realized for the first time for myself that the Church was “true”. After that, I devoured all Church literature my parents had, from Discourses of Brigham Young to Doctrines of Salvation passing through the Miracle of Forgiveness. Just before my mission, I had the feeling I already knew everything that could be known about the doctrine of the Church and kind of lost the desire to read anything else besides the scriptures. As soon as I turned 18 I was ordained to the Melchizedek Priesthood and called as ward Clerk.
I served a mission in southern Brazil and tried to obey every rule, even the irrational ones, and work the hardest I could. I’ve always been taught to value absolute obedience above everything else and unfortunatelly my excessive zeal very often strained my relationship with my companions.
After my mission, I studied Sociology and Anthropology at college and had a very hard time exposing myself to what I considered “philosophies of men”. I never felt actually confortable there. Despite my lack of interest, I had contact for the first time with science and the subjectivity characteristic of human sciences. I remember one particular class that had a lasting impact on me. That Professor of Political Science was one of the most respected researchers in his field and everyone was glad to able to “bask” in his legendary wisdom. Someone in class asked him what he though of the last elections and he answered that he didnt know and probably no one else knew. I was shocked how that almost legendary character could assume his lack of knowledge with so much naturality. With time, I learned that almost everything about humanity is highly fluid and subjective. There are no hard facts. Everything that is true, is true only under a certain point of view.
This relativisation wasnt compatible with mormon dichotomic thought, but I didnt notice any significant conflict in my faith at the time.
At this time, both my sisters decided to leave the Church. It wasnt like they didnt agree to its doctrine or anything. It was pure teenage rebellion.
It brought unimaginable suffering to my parents, especially my mother. They questioned themselves about what they had done wrong. I hated to watch it all and suffered too, but my parents got over it after a few years and have a great relationship with both my sisters now.
My middle brother served a mission and married in the Temple too, but he began to have doubts much earlier than me. He eventually concluded that the Church wasnt true and wanted to bring it all down in a single day. His wife followed him but the psychological consequences of trying to deconstruct it all too fast got the best of him and he ended up attempting suicide and later divorcing her. He never really recovered from it, in my opinion. Hes now stable and apparently has a moderately happy life with his new girlfriend.
It obviously caused immense suffering for my parents and grandparents. Not only because of his loss of faith, but all the consequeces that followed it. Much like me, he had difficulty separating the Church from our family and all the hate he had at the Church he also directed at them. It was simpy terrible.
Two years after my mission, I married a girl that had a family very much like mine. Our relationship revolved around the Church from day one. We studied together the institute manual of Celestial Marriage and planned to follow every piece of advice from general authorities contained in it. We married in the Temple and followed to the letter every rule in the CHI (I had one copy as Ward Clerk).
Since we’re both about to graduate from college and I had a decent job, we thought we shouldnt procrastinate paternity. She was pregnant immediately but almost seven months later, my first child was born prematurelly and didnt survive. Up to that moment, I had secretly thought that I was somehow special and the Lord would spare me the hardest part of mortality. My first direct contact with death taught me that I was so absolutely wrong.
It was a terrible experience to me and my wife, as I suppose losing a child will always be. I got over it in some months, but I would never again feel that the Lord was there for me and would interfere in my benefit if I asked. Its interesting to think that my dead child killed a little my childlike faith.
As soon as the doctor said it was ok, my wife became pregnant again and this time the child survived. We were very happy to be parents and I was honored to bless him next month, along with my brother, father and grandfather.
One night that same week, the Stake President knocked on our door and called me to be the bishop. I was 24. As my father had been a very young bishop too, I figured that if he could do it and survive, it shouldnt be impossible for me to do the same.
I’m often ashamed by the innocent mistakes I commited as a bishop and if I didnt commit even more, it was thanks to a very kind and loving Stake President that kept constant contact and had a lot of patience to help me and answer my questions. I served for about three years under that President and had a daughter in the meantime. I felt much more confident in what I should do as a bishop and enjoyed being even if a small part of peoples lives. I loved interviewing people, hearing their concerns and problems and ocasionally offering ideas and advices. I must confess I was a very legalistic and overzealous bishop and more often than not lost sight of peoples best interest while worried about that meeting that had to be done or that rule that had to be obeyed.
It was during my first years as a bishop that I had my first contact with “advanced” history of the Church. I was hearing a hymn on Youtube when I noticed some comments critical of the Church. I natually thought that I should “correct” it and engaged in a discussion with what I would later find was a especialized anti-mormon. He introduced me to issues I had had only superficial contact like the strange details of Joseph Smith’s translation of the Book of Mormon, his even more strange way to practice plural marriage, etc. I exchanged messages with him for many weeks, honestly trying to explain what I though was a terrible misunderstanding. How surprised I was to later find out that every issue he raised was actually well documented and well known. That was my first crisis of faith. I didnt question the truthfulness of the Church at the time, but I was greatly disturbed.
I continued studying Church history and serving in my calling untill eventually, I got burned out from all the administrative work required from a small ward with a very young bishopric and a non-functioning clerk. I was about to ask to be released when it was announced that a new stake president would be called. I had never participated in the selection process of a Stake President and was very curious to see how inspiration made a part of it.
The area authorities asked the stake executive secretary to hand them a form with details about the family, professional life and ecclesiastical experience of each bishop and high-councilor, along with a photo of each one. The day before stake conference, they scheduled interviews with us all. Despite having never been interviewed by any general or area authority, I expected them to be much like the leaders I’ve known in the past. Serene, kind and full of the love of Christ. I was really surprised, or shocked, to find myself in what seemed like a very aggresive job interview. There was no kindness, no spirituality and no thoughfulness on their part. They asked a lot of questions but it was not the content of them that disturbed me, it was more the tone of their voice and the hostility I felt. I came back home feeling terrible. If there was any spirit in that interview, it was nor the Lord’s. The next day the new president was called: A very young man, 28 year old with a very small child, almost no ecclesiastical experience and no job, recently moved in the stake. His father worked at the Church local offices and I heard at the time some whispering that he was called because of that, but I didnt pay much attention.
I was slightly older than him and thought it would be great to have someone of my age as leader. With time, however, I noticed how immature and unprepared he was. It was not like he didnt know what to do, thats part of learning a new calling, but I began to fell like he really didnt care about the manuals that were so important to me and even worse, he seemed not to care about the people that I had came to love. Setting up appointments and then not showing up, deliberately lying, sharing people confidencies, etc were all very frequent and common. I struggled to keep a good attitude and not be overly critical, but it was hard. Very hard. After one or two years, most of the adult leadership in the stake were highly unmotivated and no one had confidence in him.
I came to the point of arguing with him over what I perceived to be indifference and lack of interest. I said I took my calling very seriously and his inability to do his part, or at least assign someone who would do, made it impossible for the ward to function. I know it was cruel and stupid on my part. I had no idea what he was going through, but the fact remains that I did it, even sending a Moroni-to-Pahoran like email.
Some months after that, my grandfather became ill and I started to visit him everyday to help him with basic needs like going to the bathroom, dressing himself, etc. and I told the Stake President it was becoming very hard for me to continue functioning as Bishop. I asked him to consider when it would be the right time for me to be released.
I was released some six months later and one of my counselors was called to be the new bishop. I was happy that it was him as we had always been very close friends. I was called to be a High-Councilor and be responsible for Family History in the Stake.
I loved not being the bishop anymore. The freedom I felt! I missed some parts of it, but I was glad it was over after five years and a half. I was 30 years old then.
One year later that young Stake President ended up divorcing his wife and a new President was called. He had been my bishop during my Priest years and I really liked him. I participated again in the selection process. This time, the General Authorities were very kind and loving, but without entering in useless details more than I have done already, I still had a very clear feeling that inspiration was not involved in the process.
My Family History assignment made me study about the subject and learn how it worked. As all my callings up to that point were very time consuming, I had never really had an opportunity to involve myself in genealogy. I loved it. My grandfather, parents and uncles had already researched a lot and I took it upon myself to continue the research. It became my new hobby. I spent all my spare time looking at microfilms and thinking about those people. This interest I developed led me to a desire to understand better how genetics worked and to read about early human populations. What I learned was mostly incompatible with what I believed. When had Adam and Eve lived? If humanity is on this world for more than 200.000 years and there were other hominid populations before that, when and how exactly humanity began? Its not that I had never had contact with these facts, but it was only then that I was really interested in them and studied them. I tried for many months to reconcile the story of Adam and Eve and the fall with the reality, but I failed miserably. I felt like trying to fit a cube in a triangular hole. Then, it finally came. The conclusion that perhaps Adam never existed. That perhaps the Church was wrong on that basic and fundamental doctrine.
It was shattering. I felt darkness envelop me for many days. I tried going to the Temple to see if that darkness and horrible feeling would go away, but it didnt. I visited my parents for a non related reason and my mother noticed something was wrong with me. She pressured me untill I told her. She seemed upset initially but after realizing my doubt was sincere, she said that if this Church isnt true, no other is. She also told me that she knew the Church had made me happy and that we can’t have a better goal in life than to be happy. If the Church made me happy, I should concentrate on what I knew and forget about what I didnt knew.
That seemed to be enough for me for a time. As the months passed by, however, I began to “connect the dots” and saw that the drawing it formed what not what I had expected.
Why there are so many inconsistencies? Why there are so many historical problems? Why it is so hard to believe? If there was a true restored gospel, absolutelly necessary for all of humanity, wouldnt it be at the least, credible? Why does the Church white-washes all the strange issues?
Eventually, I had contact with the infamous talk “The Mantle is far Greater than the Intellect” from Pres. Boyd K. Packer. I just couldnt believe what I was reading. He was trying to convince people that since he believed the Church to be true, it was justifiable for him to hide ugly parts of its history so that the “unprepared” would only receive the good looking parts. It was really a shock for me that the general authorities thought like that. My confidence in them absolutelly vanished that day.
Another thing I was thinking: Why are all the general authorities, since the days of Joseph Smith, related among themselves? Would the Lord send the best spirits always in the same families? Or is it evidence that they are acting like ordinary men and just calling people they know and trust? Were they really receiving instructions from above, couldnt the Lord call a phillipino or a nigerian?
I went on with my life untill I came across the “Race and Priesthood” essay on lds.org.
It recognized that the origin of the “negro issue” was the racist prejudices of Brigham Young and others, that all that talk about Cain and the less valiant were false doctrines that the Lord had nothing to do with.
Not that I didnt already know that, but the fact that the General Authorities admitted it made me wonder. I could stretch my reasoning powers to believe the Church even with all evidence to the contrary, but to believe the second “Prophet” of the Church, who is revered as one of the greatest, could be so sorely mistaken on such a fundamental aspect of the gospel like the Priesthood, declare a false doctrine to be a revelation from Jesus Christ and deny the blessings of salvation to about ¼ of humanity just because he can, then a later “prophet” can say it was just a lot of crap all along, its more than I can handle. Especially if all the other “prophets” in the next 130 years failed to see the wrongfulness of it and take a stand for what was right.
My family has european heritage as far as we know, at least for the last 300 years, but africans are a very meaningful part of the society I live in. I take it very personally when I see racism. I take it even more personally when I see racism blamed on God.
It was too much for me to handle. I concluded that the Church just couldnt be “true”.
At first, I felt anger. Someone made up a highly demanding religion and convinced my parents and grandparents to join. I lived my entire life following every little counsel and rule, sacrificed most of the choices I had, to follow the “one true path” just so now the General Autorities can tell me they dont know exactly what they’re doing, prophets arent really prophets and maybe, just maybe, the Lord is guiding the Church, only “from a certain point of view”. I felt betrayed and lied to.
Then, anger was followed by sadness. I felt a terrible emptiness to think that everything that I had held dear wasnt true. I remembered my grandfather, some weeks before he died when he said he wondered what it would be like when he had been gone. He apparently never really believed in the Church and as death approached, he thought of what would happen to him when it finally came. I assured him that there was a life after death. That Brigham Young (Yeah, him) had said so and so, that the spirit world was right here on Earth, etc. He raised one eyebrow, as if he couldnt believe it, but remained silent. I feel so bad about it now.
Then, sadness was followed by despair. I despaired to think that my whole structure wasnt there anymore and I had nothing to replace it. What I would teach to my children? What would I do with my life?
My wife had an important exam and she was studying hard for it. Despite my despair, I felt it would be wiser to wait untill the exam was over before opening up about it to her. I came home from work feeling desolated. When I opened the door, my son came running to hug me. He was so happy that I was home again and had no idea of the terrible thoughts in my mind. He had no idea how bleak the world appeared to me. My lips began to tremble and tears fell from my eyes. I tried to hide it and lock myself in the bathroom, but my wife noticed something was wrong and entered with me before I could close the door. She stayed there with me in silence as I sat at the floor crying. Even if she didnt ask what was happening, I knew I would have to give her an answer, and I ended telling her the whole story. She started crying too and said she felt something was wrong for a very long time. She cried that she would become like her grandmother who attended Church alone for many years because her grandfather didnt want to. I understood her pain and felt terrible for being the cause of her suffering. After we both calmed down, I said I still loved the Church, even if it wasnt what I thought it was. The Church had made me happy for all of my life. If I took the Church in me, I would completely disappear too. It makes a very large part of me.
I remembered what my mother had told me a while before, that if it makes you happy, all the rest is not really important.
I decided that I would not let it destroy my family. I could die for her of for my children. If I could do that, I could also pretend to believe in the Church in order to preserve my most important relationships.
My wife ended being far more understanding than I had imagined. She even shares many of my doubts but she isnt yet ready to make the leap to the same conclusion I have.
As the weeks passed, I began to remember the many spiritual experiences I had. Was it possible that they were all false as well? I couldnt believe so. I was certain they were real. I knew that if I were to un-mormon myself, I would be left with almost nothing. I wouldnt have even a name.
I came to the conclusion now that there is truth in the Church, but its not all truth. I’m yet in the process of separating what is good from what isnt and I’m certain it will take a long time.
While I do this, I’m unsure if I will be able to continue in my current calling as High-Councilor. It requires me to give frequent talks in Sacramental meetings, to attend to many stake and ward meetings and occasionally teach a lesson at Priesthood meeting.
I’m certainly a very visible figure in the Stake, even more in my ward. I’ve never been less than an exemple in their eyes. I imagine many people would find it hard to believe that I’ve lost my faith. I think I cant just ask the Stake President to release me without raising a lot of questions. I like him, but hes a very assertive leader and I’m sure he wont let me get away with vague answers. He will probably insist untill I tell him exactly whats happening. Theres also my bishop, who was my counselor before I was released. I’ve always been a very close friend to him, but since my crisis of faith got worse, I’ve distanced myself a bit. He had his crisis of faith in the past also and occasionally questioned basic principes of the Church. At the time, I bore my testimony and reassured him that the Church was true. I can only wonder how he would react if he knew whats in my mind now.
If I could go back in time before I opened this pandora box, I perhaps would. I think its better to be happy living an illusion than feeling miserable knowing the cold hard truth. Anyway, its already done and I cant undo it. I would feel bad if I caused other people to feel miserable like I am. Let them keep their beliefs if it makes them happy.
I would hate to cause suffering to my parents too. I imagine they will think all that happened to my brother will be all over again.
I’m uncertain of what to do now and would appreciate any insight.
Great to meet you, TOH. I read your introduction. Sorry for all you’ve been through. We have a few others who’ve been bishops here who can probably relate to that element. I’ve come to view Mormonism as a community of people trying to follow Christ rather than a set of truths, and that helps, although there are plenty of times when I feel the church falls short of following Christ, and those are the darkest moments for me. Wow. Your journey within mormonism, is, well, sad.
It’s not often I read long posts, especially introductions, but I read every word of this one.
Your journey is similar to mine own, and many many others here. I understand better than most the devastating and tragic consequences when folks cannot separate family relationships from church culture and corporate policies and dogma. The real difference between what you describe, and what I felt I experienced, is I have tacked on apathy on the end of the chain.
Anger – sadness- Despair –
Apathy.Apathy is how I evolved to survive. It was the one defense mechanism that I found to work. I don’t necessarily recommend it.
I hope this site will help you find a path, either a middle way middle way within the church, or outside of it….that will allow you and your family to find peace.
It does get better. Time heals all wounds.
Quote:Then, anger was followed by sadness. I felt a terrible emptiness to think that everything that I had held dear wasnt true.
So many of us have felt the exact same way. I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope we can be of help to you as you negotiate this journey. Taking things slowly seems to be the best approach. Welcome to SLDS.
Harmony
TheotherHeber wrote:At first, I felt anger. Someone made up a highly demanding religion and convinced my parents and grandparents to join. I lived my entire life following every little counsel and rule, sacrificed most of the choices I had, to follow the “one true path” just so now the General Autorities can tell me they dont know exactly what they’re doing, prophets arent really prophets and maybe, just maybe, the Lord is guiding the Church, only “from a certain point of view”. I felt betrayed and lied to.
Hi, TheOtherHeber – Glad you’re here and thanks for sharing your story. I think this site will help you deal with the anger, sense of betrayal, sadness, despair….all of it. Even though there are a lot of issues to work through, I am finally starting to enjoy the process, the freedom. I hope you do, too.
First off, thank you for opening up so much. I heard many echos of my experience in the details of your experience. I can tell from your comments that you are a brave, honest, and loving person. TheotherHeber wrote:I think its better to be happy living an illusion than feeling miserable knowing the cold hard truth. Anyway, its already done and I cant undo it. I would feel bad if I caused other people to feel miserable like I am. Let them keep their beliefs if it makes them happy.
That was my takeaway as well. Lately I’ve reflected on that sentiment and I see it as one of the symbols in the atonement of Christ. Suffering, often alone and in silence, to help others remain happy. It’s given me a new purpose going forward, and a purpose was what I needed to escape the misery. Now I want to help people to find happiness in the path that they have chosen for themselves, and the church facilitates that. I can fulfill my purpose a lot easier in the church than I could if I walked away from it.
Another aspect of the teachings of Christ that I enjoy is the notion that he has suffered every affliction that we are capable of suffering… and then some. Now I find myself reading scriptures from a perspective where Christ has gone through a faith crisis. What do his teachings mean if he shared the exact same beliefs I currently share at the time he gave them? It’s given me all kinds of new insights.
BTW, your English is amazing! As someone that struggles to speak a foreign language from week to week… Bom trabalho!
Heber: Welcome to staylds. Your introduction was sad and familiar — but also hopeful and wonderful. You seem like a great guy and I hope you can find a way to make it all work for your life.
You wrote:
Quote:I decided that I would not let it destroy my family. I could die for her of for my children. If I could do that, I could also pretend to believe in the Church in order to preserve my most important relationships.
My wife ended being far more understanding than I had imagined. She even shares many of my doubts but she isnt yet ready to make the leap to the same conclusion I have.
As the weeks passed, I began to remember the many spiritual experiences I had. Was it possible that they were all false as well? I couldnt believe so. I was certain they were real. I knew that if I were to un-mormon myself, I would be left with almost nothing. I wouldnt have even a name.
I came to the conclusion now that there is truth in the Church, but its not all truth.
I could have written EVERY word that you wrote in this segment — except for the name part — but certainly my identity is wrapped up in a mormon blanket, as well. Once I got to the place that you describe here, which is fairly recent for me, I felt healthy spiritually again.
Again, welcome to staylds. I look forward to all you have say in the future.
LDSThomas
TOH, Simply amazing introduction. Pod-casts (interviews with those who stay and have more evolved/advanced belief faith) are the next step that I always recommend at this stage. Particularly those at a thoughtfulfaith.com ~my two favorites are Jim McKonkie and Terryl Givens. I have listened to both many dozen times. They bring me a strange peace, even though it’s not a feeling of total belief or unbelief, but that they provide a road map for being comfortable in the exact pulling forces of faith on either side of our soul. The next step is to find peace in that state of questioning. I have come to believe that there are God-like qualities found in that state of being teachable and open minded to all that God has yet to reveal. (9th Article of Faith). Some describe it as a multiple year process. Jim McKonkie states about ”10 years” for himself of rebuilding. You are also to know… you are not alone! Thousands of us here meet virtually (web) waiting for more light and knowledge after feeling so betrayed as to why we could not be taught in a more truthful way if this is the Lords church. I still hold hope that it has administrative keys for ordinances~ but this may be all that we add to the human family. A gift of organization and “running the trains on time” my brother usually jokes. But as for having the corner on true factual faith, unconditional love, allowing/helping others Free Agency and many other crucial eternal laws. I feel greater LDS tribe fails miserably at these. We need other parts of Human Family to fill these into our organizational gifts. Good luck with your journey here. Much love to you. I have not felt such an honest heart during intro read in many hundreds I’ve read in a long time.
I was captivated by your introduction. You definitely captured the emotions well. TheotherHeber wrote:I remembered what my mother had told me a while before, that if it makes you happy, all the rest is not really important.
I believe that the emptiness doesn’t last forever. I still don’t “know” much about spiritual things but the range of possibilities is exciting to me.
One example is that I am now free to believe in a much more forgiving and loving God then I had known through Mormonism. I like the metaphor of God himself condescending to live like us and then die to set us free. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what happened, but it helps me to live and love in happiness so it must be good – Right?
TheotherHeber wrote:Since we’re both about to graduate from college and I had a decent job, we thought we shouldn’t procrastinate paternity. She was pregnant immediately but almost seven months later, my first child was born prematurely and didn’t survive. Up to that moment, I had secretly thought that I was somehow special and the Lord would spare me the hardest part of mortality. My first direct contact with death taught me that I was so absolutely wrong.
It was a terrible experience to me and my wife, as I suppose losing a child will always be. I got over it in some months, but I would never again feel that the Lord was there for me and would interfere in my benefit if I asked. It’s interesting to think that my dead child killed a little my childlike faith.
The stillbirth of our third child was the catalyst for my faith crisis. I had known about many of the questionable aspects of the church but had rationalized that it didn’t matter. If I had found a way to call down the powers of heaven for the blessing and protection of my little family then it wouldn’t have mattered if I had to crow at the moon to do it. But then to lose a child when it would have been so easy for an all-powerful God to send some sort of warning … I eventually came to believe that many blessings shift mightily on perspective.
As I said in the beginning, I believe that it gets better. I have a nice out of the way calling teaching 4 year olds with my wife. I am the only male in the primary organization. It allows me to participate and contribute without always being confronted with things that I don’t believe. The kids are great and respond very well to bribes of candy.
Welcome to our community.
Welcome. I, too read all of your introduction and your journey resembles that of many others here. I hope you stay and share, and that we are able to provide you what you are seeking. Welcome Heber! TheotherHeber wrote:As the months passed by, however, I began to “connect the dots” and saw that the drawing it formed what not what I had expected.
I appreciate your journey, I know it’s not easy. In my view your sentence above sums up the situation. The same thing happened to me, it is a huge adjustment to realize that the image you have always held will require some adjustment to reconcile with reality.
I hope together we can learn to reconcile while we hold to the good and worthwhile things that we find in church.
I also like Hawkgrrrl’s concept of a community trying to follow Christ, I believe if even that much is successful we can contribute to the world becoming a better place.
I sometimes draw a parallel between the idea of “exclusive authority” and Dumbo’s feather, not to demean or criticize the idea of exclusive authority, but to draw attention to the results. Dumbo could fly!!
:clap: He may have never realized that without the feather and the resulting attempt. In the church I see evidence of “flight” that with any specific authority or not is real enough for me. I feel strongly that we all have seeds of divinity within us, and I hope we can learn to grow into our potential. I see the church as a vehicle that can move us toward this goal, even with or maybe because of all the unique challenges that it presents.Again, welcome!
TheotherHeber wrote:
At first, I felt anger. Someone made up a highly demanding religion and convinced my parents and grandparents to join. I lived my entire life following every little counsel and rule, sacrificed most of the choices I had, to follow the “one true path” just so now the General Autorities can tell me they dont know exactly what they’re doing, prophets arent really prophets and maybe, just maybe, the Lord is guiding the Church, only “from a certain point of view”. I felt betrayed and lied to.Then, anger was followed by sadness. I felt a terrible emptiness to think that everything that I had held dear wasnt true. I remembered my grandfather, some weeks before he died when he said he wondered what it would be like when he had been gone. He apparently never really believed in the Church and as death approached, he thought of what would happen to him when it finally came. I assured him that there was a life after death. That Brigham Young (Yeah, him) had said so and so, that the spirit world was right here on Earth, etc. He raised one eyebrow, as if he couldnt believe it, but remained silent. I feel so bad about it now.
Then, sadness was followed by despair. I despaired to think that my whole structure wasnt there anymore and I had nothing to replace it. What I would teach to my children? What would I do with my life?
…..
As the weeks passed, I began to remember the many spiritual experiences I had. Was it possible that they were all false as well? I couldnt believe so. I was certain they were real…..
I came to the conclusion now that there is truth in the Church, but its not all truth. I’m yet in the process of separating what is good from what isnt and I’m certain it will take a long time.
I could have written this exact same thing. Welcome. May God bless us both as we seek in darkness for the light.
I have almost no time tonight, but I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I hope we can help each other in some way. Great intro. I think that there are many that can relate to what you wrote. I am impressed by your use of the English language. I was on the HC a few months ago and it got to be too much. I was released because some of my talks and I was a little upset but also very relieved. There are days I wake up and just wish it would all just go back to the old days but I know that it will not happen. It is nice to hear from South America. I have wondered how much of this is happening down there. I did my mission in Argentina so have a love of the people. I hope we hear more from you and please know that you are not alone. I don’t have much to add, I just wanted to say that I am so glad that you found this group. It sounds like you are one with a pure heart and the way you expressed your thoughts and feelings were beautiful and profound. This journey can feel like your heart is going to break, but sometimes our eyes must be opened in order to continue to know the “real God”. Like you, I find myself often wishing that I never would have found out about history, or even the true nature of God that led me to find out about history… but I can’t go back. Sometimes I think my heart really will break, but my soul knows that this is better for my progression… somehow. I find so much comfort in seeing how others navigate their faith crisis, I have learned so many “what not to and what to do’s” here that have been relationship savers.
I hope you find the peace in the “middle way” if that is what you are seeking. I wish that for all of us. I know several people on here have found it and that gives me hope.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.