TheOtherHeber

[Anonymous]

TheOtherHeber, I hung onto every word and felt every emotion. Thank you for sharing your journey and being so open.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing your story.

I really related to the emotion and sincerity of your experience. Welcome to the board and I hope it brings you peace and purpose.

[Anonymous]

@Hawkgrrrl – The Church is indeed a community of people trying to emulate Christ, on their own way. At first, at the height of my crisis, I doubted even the existance of God, but now that my despair is subduing and I have some serenity of thought back, I think I just can’t dismiss it all. I can’t deny that the teachings attributed to Christ do expand my soul and make me a better person. If there is a God, and I my large collection of spiritual experiences in the past won’t let me think otherwise, Christ indoubtedly has something to do with him.

@Cwald – Perhaps in the future “apathy for the Church” will be in my toolbox of defense mechanisms. Unfortunately at the moment I’m still very much tied to TBM paradigms to be able to use it. I hold on to hope that with time it will get better and I will be able to see beyond these paradigms.

@Nibbler – Indeed, voluntary suffering in the benefit of others is the best definition of the atonement as the Church teaches it. I can’t use another word to describe it other than heavenly. If this crisis is some sort of a “gethsemane” that I must pass through in order to be like Christ (or whoever I need to be like), I just hope I will still have whatever I need to have when I get to the other side.

@LDSThomas – Sorting through my identity to find out what who I really am if all Church related stuff is taken, is the hardest part I think. Perhaps I will be better if I settle that I’m mormon and will always be. If it weren’t for my parents conversion, they wouldn’t have even met and I wouldn’t probably exist anyway. Its just fitting that my name won’t never let me forget the Church, even if I want to. It’s an irony I think that I have done the same to my children and named them after Church history characters.

@ShadesofGrey – The notion that certain ceremonies performed by certain authorized persons is essential to salvation and that all of humanity, past, present and future, must receive them, has never made any sense to me, not even as a missionary. If thats taken, the only thing left to the Church would be revelation and true doctrine. After the “Race and Priesthood” admission that Brigham Young and his successors were all gravely mistaken, I can’t believe the Church has even that anymore. That’s the core of my faith crisis. I don’t know what to believe and who to trust anymore. If time will make that better, I would gladly wait more 10 years if that’s necessary. Thanks for suggesting those podcasts. I’ve always been more into reading that into listening, but I’ve noticed much of the material produced on the subject is in that format, so I guess I will have to get used to listening.

@Roy – Thanks for sharing your experience. I think contemplating death may be the source of all religious questioning in humanity. Beside the death of my first child, I had another experience that shook my faith to the core. Back when I was a Bishop, a young man in our ward had cancer in the lungs. He was a mostly fine guy and I really liked his family. I visited him many times and felt a very strong prompting of what at the time I interpreted as the Spirit, to read certain passages of scripture to him and promise him that if he had enough faith, the Lord would be willing to heal him. I knew it sounded very reckless of me to make such a promise, but I really felt it came from on high, so I decided to have faith myself and tell him that. He believed and I believed it too. He asked his father for a blessing and after some weeks, he asked me to come by and heal him. I trembled of fear inside, but I did the ordinance. He felt much better that day and even did some push-ups to show his parents he had been healed but the next day he got a lot worse and they decided to take him to the hospital. Two weeks later, his sister called me and told me he really wanted to see me. I visited him there and he again asked me to represent the Lord and heal him. This time I decided to have faith and throw myself at it without fear. I ordered in the name of Jesus Chist that he be healed. The next morning his sister called me again and told me he had just died. I flashed to the hospital as fast as I could only to find out the family had already went home and the body was alone in the room. I went there to see him and wept. The thought that if the Lord wanted, he could raise the dead as easily as he could cure cancer and for a moment, I considered attempting to raise him from the dead. I was very confused however and just closed the door. I went back to the car and cried a lot. That day, I think a large fraction of my faith died with that young man. Perhaps God wanted to teach me/him something or perhaps it was all my hopeful imagination. I still feel extremely bad for giving his parents false hopes, however. I never again could look them in the eyes. I have hope that it gets better as you said.

@Orson – I’ve no doubt there’s much good and truth at the Church, even if it’s not what it claims to be. Perhaps it is, but at the moment, I just can’t see how. I’m just happy to be part of the great adventure of humankind on this strange world we’re in.

@Church0333 – The High Council is a wonderful place to serve in the Church. We have so much freedom and autonomy. I like/liked it so much more than being a bishop. If you can’t believe what you’re supposed to teach, however, it’s a very complicated position to be. I don’t know if I’m going to ask to be released, though. If there’s something nice to serving in the HC is that you can just back off for some weeks and do nothing and anyone will notice or care. Since opening up my feelings to my wife, things are moving very fast and I just have no idea where we are going to land. We always had very good communication and I always shared all faith shattering experiences, Church History weird discoveries and disturbing thoughts. She’s not far behind me in my conclusions and yesterday I think she hit the head on the wall as I did some weeks ago. It disturbed me a lot to think that it may get out of my control from now on and I’m careful considering what my next move will be. Tomorrow I’ve been assigned an half-an-hour talk at Sacramental Meeting. If there’s something good about being the former bishop is that the current bishopric will never assign a subject to my talks and I can talk about something I feel confortable with. Let’s see how that will turn out.

Thank you very much for all the other comments. It is very relieving to know that I’m not the first one to walk this path and that most of my feelings are “normal”.

I just wish I had found this forum before. I really like the thoughtfulness of the people here.

[Anonymous]

When it came time to bless and baptize my children, I went through the motions. I figured, if I didn’t believe it, but they did then no harm was done. I was “worthy” so even if my heart wasn’t in it, according to my Bishop, the ordinance would be honored both on earth and in heaven. If it isn’t true, what difference does it make?

[Anonymous]

Welcome, Heber…you have a great name

Your story was great to read, although such sadness and emotion was felt as I read it, and could identify with those emotions.

You have some very good views that will help you on your journey:

– you recognize truth depends greatly on our point of view, therefore you can learn to embrace differing views and not fall into black and white, all-or-nothing options that might push you to leave the church

– You are honest with yourself and want to choose goodness, wherever you can find it

– You have support from a loving wife who knows you are hurting but that you are sincere

– You care about your relationships with others

– You are educated and smart to be able to read and study and learn the way things really are

All of these are good things to help you navigate this personal journey of yours.

Here is my advice, for what it is worth:

– Go slow…you have time to figure this out. Keep life moving in good directions, and avoid making hasty choices with large consequences.

– Be open and have faith that God can lead you along this lonely path.

– Hold firmly to the good you have loved your whole life in the church. A few bad parts of the church (race and priesthood, quotes by Brigham Young, polygamy, poor leadership, inconsistent doctrines, etc etc) do not eclipse all the good the church has been in your life. Hold on to what is good, just allow yourself to let go of making yourself believe it all literally in order to appreciate any of it.

– Work on embracing paradox. The church could be viewed as wrong on gay marriage AND have the spirit of love in meetings from time to time. It just seems to be the way this world is, not all clear…but paradoxes of conflicting ideas that allow you to CHOOSE what you believe.

– Let go of worrying too much of what others think…you are just as worthy to receive personal revelation on matters as anyone else, and what they say or how they react to your views is about them, not you. Believe in yourself to make up your mind on things.

– If you can, stay involved in church to serve others lovingly. If you pull back in isolation, it may stunt your growth. Serve, love, give, make others smile, lift others, share views that inspire others. Maybe you’ll find others in the church who need a unique point of view that only you can provide. I have taken breaks from church when it is painful, but try to stay engaged so I stay happy by loving others. It helps put in perspective historical or doctrinal views vs pure religion of love and action.

I hope that helps. Here are some favorite quotes that help me feel at peace knowing I can explore these doubts and not feel guilty:

Quote:

“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things” – Rene Descartes

If our religion is something objective, then we must never avert our eyes from those elements in it which seem puzzling or repellant; for it will be precisely the puzzling or the repellant which conceals what we do not yet know and need to know … the truth we need most is hidden precisely in the doctrines you least like and least understand. – CS Lewis

“If we have the truth, [it] cannot be harmed by investigation. If we have not the truth, it ought to be harmed.” – J. Reuben Clark

Give yourself permission to grow, don’t fight it if it feels unorthodox. Go with the flow and learn as you go. 🙂

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