- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I was thinking today about one of those t-shirts in my drawer (see OP to understand metaphor) and felt like sharing. Hope no one minds my piecemeal memoirs. LOL. Right after we got married, it became apparent to DH and I that getting pregnant was going to take more effort than it does for some folks. Fortunately, we did get pregnant but it was clear from the start that things weren’t quite right. There was spotting and a complete absence of pregnancy symptoms. The only reason we knew I was pregnant was a positive EPT. So I went to the obgyn and we saw the little kidney bean, heart pumping, looking and sounding just as a baby at 3 months ought to look and sound. It was thrilling. The doctor reassured me that “Once you see the heartbeat, 9 times out of 10 you aren’t going to miscarry.”
I got a blessing from my father, a stalwart member of the church with as much devotion and dedication to God as I’ve ever seen. He gave me a blessing and afterward shared what he felt were clear flashes of inspiration he’d received while preparing to exercise the priesthood on my behalf. He describe seeing my son, even details of what the child looked like. He wept as he spoke of the peaceful feeling he’d experienced while fasting and praying. Finally, I felt complete confidence that the pregnancy would go well.
About a week later, after returning home from teaching early morning seminary at the church and preparing to go to work as a school teacher, I began bleeding profusely. My husband and I rushed to the clinic where the Dr. performed an ultrasound and informed us that my uterus was empty. I looked at the doctor (keep in mind we live way outside of Utah and he was not LDS) and told him he was wrong, that I’d gotten a priesthood blessing and he’d better look again. I was the perfect picture of absolute faith in the priesthood.
He wasn’t wrong, of course, though it took a few minutes for him to establish that fact to my satisfaction. Everyone left the room so I could dress and there in the exam room alone and in shock and denial, my body completed the miscarriage and I “delivered” what remained of our first child.
This was one in a series of experiences that shook my faith to the core. How, after all I’d learned in church and at home, after all I’d taught as a missionary, could a priesthood holder stand by a spiritual witness that turned out to be so utterly false? And how could that priesthood holder be my father, the man I trusted more than any other? The man whose worthiness I could attest to personally? My father’s faith was also shaken and to this day, he offers no attempt at explanation. He simply says he still does not understand.
I’m sure my husband, still relatively new to he church, thought I was going crazy in the months that followed. Though I can’t be sure, it certainly didn’t seem like I was handling a miscarrige as well as other women did. What he didn’t understand at that point was that I hadn’t just lost a pregnancy, I’d lost faith in the priesthood, in the idea of a God who was anxious to bless me, and in the reliability of my own righteous covenant-keeping to bring about promised blessings.
In retrospect, I realize that this experience prepared me to receive enlightenment and allowed me to grow spiritually in a way that would have been thwarted had the blessing been realized and the child carried to term. I wish I could say that this was the lowest of the depths to which I’ve had to sink but again, in retrospect, the battering my faith took at that time was a cake walk compared to what came later.
Wow … that’s a very moving experience. I’m really at a loss for words, but think exactly what Brian said. Thank you :thumbup: Amen. Thank you. Interesting story. I’m actually going to post a different thread on something that your post twigged in my mind. Thanks for the comments everyone. What’s really interesting is that at the time, I was so angry with God, so disillusioned, and so hurt. I thought nothing could be worse. That’s laughable now, after more recent struggles, but it reminds me of how much I’ve changed through trials and adversities. I’m a stronger, wiser, more compassionate, more patient, and much more loving person than I was then and I wouldn’t be who I am if the road had been easy.
Something I’ve been studying lately has really resonated with me. I’ve posted it on another forum so forgive me if you’ve aready read it:
One thing that I have found true in my life is that adversity and suffering are often invitations into God’s presence, if we will receive them as such. Take, for example, the words recorded in Matthew.
Matthew records the Lord saying,
Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted.The Greek for comforted here has a much richer meaning that simply to be given succor.
Quote:αρακαλέω
parakaleō
Thayer Definition:
1) to call to one’s side, call for, summon
2) to address, speak to, (call to, call upon), which may be done in the way of exhortation, entreaty, comfort, instruction, etc.
2a) to admonish, exhort
2b) to beg, entreat, beseech
2b1) to strive to appease by entreaty
2c) to console, to encourage and strengthen by consolation, to comfort
2c1) to receive consolation, be comforted
2d) to encourage, strengthen
2e) exhorting and comforting and encouraging
2f) to instruct, teach
To be comforted means to be invited to draw near. In other words, when we mourn, we are beng invited to draw near unto God. We may be consoled, encouraged, or admonished but we are also likely to be summoned to the presence of God for instruction.
As indicated in the last General Conference by Elder Richards of the Seventy, the Savior learned by all that He suffered (Heb. 5:8 ) and “Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.”
The comfort we receive, if we respond to the summons, comes in the form of a visitation by either the first or second comforter. The name “comforter” obviously comes from the same root as “comforted” as used in the Beatitudes.
From the Bible Dictionary:
Quote:Paraclete
Paraclete. The word does not occur in the KJV. It is an English form of the Greek parakletos, a name applied by the Lord (John 14:16, 26; 15:26; 16:7) to the Holy Spirit, and which may be translated Comforter, Advocate, or Helper. The same name is applied by John (1 John 2:1) to the Lord himself. Advocate is probably the English word that most nearly represents the meaning of the Greek.
Some posit that suffering or mourning has no purpose after this life, that little children suffer in vain or that the suffering of the dying is useless, however spiritual maturity, instruction from the comforters, and wisdom rise with us and are still acquired in the next world. Just as in the temple, we pass symbolically from one world and our instruction continues in the next until we are prepared with all the light and knowledge we need to pass through the veil, so the knowledge we acquire through our suffering rises with us and, if we endure it well – which may mean simply humbling ourselves and letting the comforter and the experience lead us to a deeper knowledge of gospel truth – it grants us all the more advantage in the next world. As we come to understand Christ through our adversities and suffering, our very natures change.
I don’t know if any of you have heard this song before. It was new to me but I don’t listen to the radio much and happened into it quite by accident a few weeks back. The lyrics reminded me of some discussions I’ve read and participated in on this board, so I thought I’d share them. “Blessings” by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
Wow. I know this is somewhat of an older thread. But wow I can say- I get you. On many levels. Several experiences I have had are very similar, some I mentioned in my post and some I did not. I am so sorry for your loss. mercyngrace wrote:
Another thing that changed for me is that I stopped expecting miracles that I designed and started accepting the miracles that God performed.
This. So This.
I will probably take 6 months to process and internalize this as part of my new paradigm.
mercyngrace wrote:
More than once I followed the standard methods for getting what I want out of God. Praying, fasting, attending the temple, living the commandments, and having blinding faith did nothing to change the circumstances. Where was this God of Miracles? And yet I couldn’t deny the unseen hand that was giving me nudges toward understanding and flashes of insight and wisdom that could have been acquired no other way but through my adversities.It turned out that I was the miracle. Or rather, the changes wrought in my heart.
I have faith to believe this, and the courage to act on this belief in some ways.
AmyJ wrote:
It turned out that I was the miracle. Or rather, the changes wrought in my heart.
I needed to be reminded of that today. Thank you!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.