Too late for me

[Anonymous]

I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll just dig in. I was raised in a great LDS family with eight siblings. My parents were both firm in the gospel, so I guess I really don’t have an excuse for the turn that my life has taken. But I am and always have been the black sheep of my family.

I was a good kid, usually friendly and helpful. I remember loving how it felt to make someone else happy. I have had a very strong testimony for most of my life. It seems like I was pretty spiritually sensitive when I was a kid. Anyway, at the age of 9 I started looking at pornography. How does a kid find porn in the late ’70’s? I got it from my brothers, from the neighborhood kids. I don’t remember, but it seems like there was always that type of material around. My dad found some of it, and I was punished but I don’t think he knew the problem it would become for me.

I started out knowing it was wrong, but I began a cycle that would last for many years to come. I would look at porn, then the guilt would kick in. I would feel miserable and destroy the material I had. Then sooner or later, whether by accident or intentionally I would find it again. Looking back, I don’t remember how I justified this, or if I just tried to ignore it. But I was ordained as a deacon, a teacher and a priest. I know that this was something I should have talked to my bishop about, but I think I was just trying to do what was expected of me. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t worthy to receive the priesthood, all that mattered was that everyone expected me to become a deacon, so I did.

Well, throughout my early life and into high school, the cycle continued. I would mess up, guilt would just about kill me, then I would destroy it and move on with a vow never to return to it. I think the act of destroying it made me feel as if I had repented, when in reality I had never really prayed about it, never talked to anyone about it. I just lied to myself and everyone else. I became very proficient at lying.

Now I do want to say that 95 percent of the time, I was this nice, polite, thoughtful kid. I went to church, and even though what I was doing was wrong, I learned the gospel and fit right in with the other kids my age. I did have a testimony, I said my prayers, I did all of it. I think I learned how to ignore the problem I was dealing with, and pretend everything was a-ok. Hey I was a Mormon kid who had a secret that was kept from everyone, even myself.

At the age of 14 I had sex with a girl I didn’t know. I did it because I wanted to have sex, so I talked a girl into it. I guess through pornography I wanted to do as they did. Well, I knew this was a serious sin, but I still justified it to myself somehow. I continued in the next level of the priesthood without ever trying to resolve this. This continued into high school where I met my wife-to-be. Well, I didn’t go on a mission (thank God I didn’t try to pull that one off). I honestly think that at this point I was too selfish to do it. The thing about pornography is that it makes you very selfish, in everything. So much of what I did was self serving. When my parents found out that we were having premarital sex, they feared for my soul, so I was pulled out of my high school and sent to an alternative school. Well, I sluffed that school to go see her anyway. But still somehow I graduated, sitting next to a bunch of drunks that I didn’t know. This was a pretty bitter experience.

Well, I won’t lay out my life story, but you can see the direction in which I was headed. My wife and I married at 19. The place where we were married is now a shoe store. In the next eight years, my cycle of pornography continued, but at the end of that eight years, I had cleaned myself up, talked to the bishop and convinced him and myself that I was worthy to be sealed to my wife and our first daughter, who was then three years old. I won’t say anything negative about this experience. It was beautiful for me, and I will never regret it. I am glad I had the chance to be sealed to my family, even if we didn’t start by marrying in the temple.

Well, I tried to stay clean but the cycle continued. Years went by. I have made some horrendous mistakes. Things I will never be able to take back. Nonetheless, my wife and I are still together, and some of the time she still loves me. I have three kids now, and they are wonderful. I love my family, and I do thank God for them. They are the only good part of my life.

I mentioned before that pornography tends to make people selfish. This is true of me too. I have hurt my wife so many times. Between the pornography and so many little indiscretions, how can I ever think I’m okay with her or with God? I have loved raising my kids, but I have never been a good financial or spiritual provider for my family. I always did what was fun or easy, and now I am paying hard for it. Our financial situation has never been easy, but now it’s worse than it has ever been. My wife rightfully blames me for our pathetic situation. I tried to believe I have been a good husband, but really I don’t think I can claim that. After all, a man with my problems and my lack of responsibility does not make a good husband.

I have finally gotten hold of my problem, and I can say I have nothing to do with pornography any more. I can see it for the poison it is. I can see the damage it has done to me and to my family, although I probably can’t see the full extent. But I can’t say I’m ever safe. Only one little slip, and this horrible cycle will take another turn. I can never be too careful, because just when I think I’m doing good and staying clean, I screw up again and the whole thing repeats itself.

So now I keep thinking is the time to repent of all of this. I have tried praying, reading the scriptures, even fasting but I feel completely spiritually dead. I feel like I’m going through the motions, but there is nothing on the other end. I hate going to church. I hate it. A couple years ago, I once again tried to start being faithful in church attendance, etc. Maybe it was me, but I felt like such an outsider. I didn’t fit in, I was uncomfortable all the time. We moved to a new ward a year ago, and I thought this would be a chance for a new start. I was absolutely wrong.

People there are so cold. I can guarantee that if you are looking for a place where people care, this is NOT the place to be. I have really been struggling with being active. For a while, we missed two months straight in church. When we finally did come back, nobody said a word. Except when they asked my wife to teach one of the lessons. I’m not asking for sympathy. I don’t want attention, but it would be nice if these people could at least act like they give a sh**. Sometimes my wife likes to listen to talks by LDS authors. We listened to a talk called Stay In the Lifeboat by Brad Wilcox. He talks about what you get for being a Mormon. He talks about people reaching out to you, helping you. It seems to me such a wildly inaccurate representation of the church!! Church to me is 3 hours of pure hell.

I talked to the bishop to finally repent of all this once and for all. I laid it all out for him. He gave some very brief answers, told me to pray about it and it would all be okay. I don’t think he honestly could care less. If you were to ask him my name, I don’t think he would have the slightest idea. I know how serious my sins are. I know what horrible things I’ve done. My family means everything to me, but I do not believe I will be with them after this life. How is the atonement supposed to work if you pray and pray, and feel absolutely nothing at all?

I think at this point in my life God has also turned his back on me. Everything is so bad, and the worst part is that I am the cause. I hate myself so much. I wish to God I had never been born. I looked at some pictures of me as a kid, and I just feel this immense hate and revulsion. I look at the mess I have made of my own life, and the lives of everyone around me, and my God I know I will never be able to be with them.

I know that I have lied to God all my life. I am a hypocrite and a horrible person. I accept that. But why, when I need to atonement of Jesus Christ so much, is it impossible to feel anything? I confessed my sins, I have tried to pray, to read the scriptures, anything. It feels absolutely useless to me. I thought there was nothing he couldn’t atone for, but apparently I have found it. You can judge me all you want to. I know who and what I am. I don’t think I have anything to lose by posting this, so here it is.

[Anonymous]

Hey there my friend and spiritual brother. I was a little hesitant in approving your post, but not because it shocks or offends. Your story isn’t even that out of the ordinary. I just want to make sure that we are not acting as an alternate to the ecclesiastical functions of the Church. We’re more geared towards helping people who have lost faith in the Church, not so much with people who fully believe but struggle with the “rules” and the lifestyle (aka “sins”).

I just want to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I think you may have developed an extremely dysfunctional self image through your belief in the Church. In particular, I hear someone telling me that every good and positive thing in their life is overshadowed and ruined by a single “flaw” in their character. That no matter how much else you do good, nothing matters if you are imperfect or fall down at any time. I am hearing someone who doesn’t feel the Gospel (the good news of the atonement), and who is beating their self up constantly about imperfection.

PLEASE NOTE: YOU ARE ONLY LOOKING AT PICTURES. This is all something going on in your head. Yeah, I know this can cause relationship problems, no doubt, but you have to keep it in perspective. You may want to consider that you are possibly blowing this way out of proportion. I am not saying it isn’t a problem. Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t ideal. The Church is making a HUGE (and very unrealistic) issue of this the past few years. And not only are they blowing it up into a giant devil dragon, but they are leaving members with terrible and damaging advice about dealing with it. It kills me to think about it!

It is very unlikely you will pray or fast your way out of this behavior. I’m just rattling off my opinion. I have no expertise, training, special calling in the Church, and I might be totally full of $%#!. I’m just another guy with an opinion, but that’s my observation from talking openly to people who have come to terms with pornography and their spiritual journey.

If you can find any way to afford it, I would recommend you see a competent therapist — and probably not a traditional LDS therapist that will reinforce the dysfunction!!!!! Pornography is not a disease. It is a symptom of things that are missing from your heart, a wound in your emotional soul. It is too often a way of dealing with stress and anxiety, like a form of self-medication for a pain. When you get at the root, which I have no way of telling you what that is for you personally, you will get to the “cure” for your pain.

You may need to radically re-think your views of God, love, compassion, the atonement and yes, THE CHURCH.

If your wife and children have food and a roof over their head, guess what? You’re doing better than a couple billion other people on this planet. Everything else is fat and gravy, so you need to stop thinking you are a bad provider. Screw the Jones’ next door and their fake financed lifestyle, and forget about what the square God tells us we need to be happy (aka the Television).

Get your head screwed on straight, and your heart in the fight. You’re gonna be a screwup for the rest of your life. We all are. If God didn’t love screw ups, He wouldn’t have made so many of us. And if we weren’t so good a falling flat on our face all the time, we wouldn’t really need some dude named Jesus to save us. But we do. That is how life is designed. It’s a no-win scenario, and nobody gets out alive.

You can see your life as one giant depressing failure. That is what Satan wants you to see. Or you can have a big ass laugh at yourself with Jesus, laugh so hard that snot bubbles blow out your nose and you choke, and then you realize you really aren’t such a bad guy after all. You have a lot of people around you that love you for who you are. And seriously. Jesus loves you just the way you are too. He wants us all to be a little better than we were yesterday, and a little better than the day before that. But hey, it’s not like you eat babies or listen to Disco. It could be a lot worse 😈

I am dead serious about the therapist though. Don’t see one to quit pornography. Go see one to sort through a lot of how you see and experience your world. I am willing to bet you are having a hard time feeling loved. You deserve better my brother. You can have better. I know you can!

Don’t think you are the oddball either. It’s a terrible joke, but humor only works when there’s an element of truth to it, and some surprise. Go look around you. Count out 10 random men. Of those ten, 6 have used pornography, 3 won’t admit it, and 1 is waiting for his Viagra to show up in the mail because he isn’t interested anymore. If porn keeps you out of heaven, it’s going to be a ghost town up there.

Again, not saying porn is good. I don’t believe personally that it is. But you can’t give up on life because you are responding to something that your entire brain and body has been conditioned and engineered to respond to a certain way. You can’t tell a fish to stop breathing water either. You deal with it the best you can. The best you can do has to be good enough for God, cause that’s all there is to give.

[Anonymous]

Welcome Double O Charlie,

Wow! In reading your introduction I thought about responding to this part or that, then I would read further and realize that to give you my opinion on this point or that would not be helpful to you. The only thing that I can think of is sharing some dark moments of when I felt a small portion of what you must be feeling.

Almost two years ago we were expecting our third child. Just days before the delivery her heart stopped beating and she was stillborn. I think I kept it together ok for a while but then I started to have these anxiety attacks. I felt pressure and responsibility to provide for and protect my family. I had thought that worthy priesthood service would ensure divine protection. Immediately after my daughter’s death I resolved to make superhuman efforts to be better – more Christ-like. A noble goal, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons – I was doing it to try to secure the divine protection that had somehow evaided me before or at least to ensure that I would be worthy to be there in the resurrection to raise my daughter – I would not fail her again!

Anyway, after a while I went off the proverbial deep end…I started attending a Baptist church. One day they had an “alter call” and my tears were flowing and I went up there and prayed that my Heavenly Father and my daughter could forgive me for my failure. I felt love and acceptance inside of me. This and some help from an EAP counselor helped me to claw my way back from the despair and anguish of my perceived failure.

I now realize that there is nothing I can do to ensure safety and security for my loved ones. There are things I can do to work in that direction but in the end it is like the field mouse that has its house upturned by the plow…the best laid plans of mice and men sometimes come to naught.

So for what it is worth, this has been my experience. I attend the LDS church now, but now I attend as a screw-up and failure that Heavenly Father and my deceased daughter – love, forgive, and accept. In spite of my faltering attempts at perfection, I remain firmly mired in mediocrity – and that is OK. The shift in expectation for me has made all the difference.

I hope that there have been elements from my journey that are applicable to your own.

Brian Johnston wrote:

I am dead serious about the therapist though. Don’t see one to quit pornography. Go see one to sort through a lot of how you see and experience your world. I am willing to bet you are having a hard time feeling loved. You deserve better my brother. You can have better. I know you can!

I second Brian’s recommendation about finding a professional to talk to. You are not alone, I too am your brother and we are in this crazy Lifeboat together.

[Anonymous]

Welcome here — I read your whole story, and I had this overwhelming feeling that you’ve stopped loving yourself. Loving yourself in a good way that produces healthy self-esteem.

I would recommend you pick up this book from Amazon for $0.20 plus $3.99 shipping.

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Know-Real-Sterling-Ellsworth/dp/0875793193/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315883234&sr=8-1

I read this book when I struggled with self-esteem problems in my early twenties. The book really helped me change my thinking about myself, and to help me keep “my second estate”. Basically, it taught me to love myself in a healthy way. I would have relapses, but the book would help me focus on those things that I can respect in myself.

You have a lot to respect in yourself, notwithstanding your issues and problems over the years — you were a good kid. You prayed, had a testimony, have good desires. You need to find all those things you can respect about yourself and reflect on them. This book helped me tremendously, and it’s written by LDS authors and therapists. It doesn’t address porn, but it does address self-loathing and intrinsic reasons why we should love ourself, and not just the old “I’m a child of God ” reason that means very little to me anymore.

Also, you might seek out a non-LDS therapist who does Cognitive Based Training (CBT) which I understand is one of the more effective methods of changing how one sees oneself. It focuses on changing your thinking.

Hope this helps…post often.

[Anonymous]

Brian – excellent advice !

Charlie. I personally think the church goes a little overboard on pornography. I just see it as an outlet. I am not a strict Mormon. I use to be. I went through probably what you went through – having that inner battle with what the church leaders and culture was teaching and what I wanted to do.

Though I don’t have that hard-nosed approach about pornography like some strict members do, I still believe in the church. I don’t let the church culture bring me down either. I live for me. I don’t live for the church.

Mike

[Anonymous]

You have received some great advice already. I’ll add my two cents, for what it’s worth. First of all, though it may sound trite, it’s NEVER too late. And as long as I’m being trite, I’ll throw in “where there’s life, there’s hope”. I think this is especially true for someone such as yourself who seems to understand that life is ultimately about relationships. Stop beating yourself up. You are not your actions, and you are not your thoughts. You are so much more than that.

I have found cognitive therapy to be useful. It may or may not work for you, but another good book on the topic is Feeling Good by David Burns. They are a-dime-a-dozen used online, but the shipping will kill you 🙂

[Anonymous]

The real issue with pornography, I believe is not the end user, but the model. I don’t believe every model is exploited, but some certainly are.

One thing I do get angry about is this very restrictive law of chastity – fornication is next to murder (as it says in the Miracle of Forgiveness), when compared to the polygamy of the early years of the church. There’s some guy, descended from someone who may have had five wives or more, telling me to be faithful to one woman, one woman I’ve got to find, not fail, and put up with for the rest of my life if she turns out to be a dreadful wife. Divorce is bad, fornie is bad, M is bad, P*rn is bad…

Adultery I DO consider to be bad… but that’s another issue.

[Anonymous]

BeLikeChrist wrote:

I don’t let the church culture bring me down either. I live for me. I don’t live for the church.

That is good advice. There is something to be said for humbling oneself and shunning sin to make oneself better and more at peace with your own conscience…but living in fear of sin or of the church is taking it too far. The Church is a church of love, not a church of fear.

Church was made for man. We are not made for the church. I like the “I live for me” call…and add that I find many things in the church to help me be the best me and I let other things go because they don’t seem to help me…true cafeteria style. The lesson I’ve learned is that if I justify sin or just let go of stuff that I need but don’t want….I’m just hurting myself by not being honest with myself. So it takes maturity, honesty, and humility to use the cafeteria style to my benefit…not as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Charlie,

Before you conclude that it’s too late… Rethink this.

All that’s bothering you is your perspective. Change that & everything seems to change… including your feelings & associated behavior.

First off, you’ve got to learn to let go of the “dirty” shameful extra pain you’re carrying around. It’s pulling you & probably others down.

Realize that EVERYONE sins. You are not the only sinner. You are not the only one who has regrets. We all do.

Also, realize sexuality is a gift God gave us… it’s natural & many of the feelings you’ve felt are not to be ashamed about.

Yes, you got exposed to porn too young & I’m sure that contributed to the addiction, but look at all that you’ve overcome – even despite the odds & “cold” people.

You’re a fighter with a good spirit. It’s never too early, or too late. It just is. We are works in progress.

Think of a time when you felt the spirit. Were you obsessing about your sins, & that uplifted you? No! You probably thought of something that made your spirit connect & feel divine enthusiasm. Think about that again… or go on a walk somewhere inspiring. And above all… realize that God cannot help but be LOVE. He has NEVER stopped loving you. He is like the sun or moon – & doesn’t ask, “How worthy are you?” He just SHINES… Just loves. If you don’t feel it, it’s because you’re blocking it by obsessing about thoughts that pull you down, instead of encouraging thoughts that lift you up.

[Anonymous]

Charlie, thank you for your posting. I don’t know anyone that didn’t have a curiosity about pornography, sex, etc. Regardless if they were an active church member or not. We have to understand that this life is designed by God. His purpose for our sexual drives & curiosity isn’t always clear.

I agree that you may want to seek some professional help. Make sure you get a good Therapist or Doctor. I also have friends that are Alcoholics. They rely on support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous. They also use a “Sponsor” that they meet with to discuss their progress & get advise on a one to one basis. There probably is similar support groups for your situation. (Or maybe it doesn’t apply.) The main thing we have to understand is: we’re not alone in our struggles. Even if it seems we are.

I can especially relate to:

Quote:

A couple years ago, I once again tried to start being faithful in church attendance, etc. Maybe it was me, but I felt like such an outsider. I didn’t fit in, I was uncomfortable all the time.

This is the stage I’m at right now. Keep us posted about your progress. This seems like a great forum to express ourselves, encourage ourselves (& others) plus, stay anonymous.

Your friend,

Mike from Milton

[Anonymous]

One more idea. I don’t know what it is about the culture of the LDS church but we don’t like to admit that we have weaknesses, doubts, etc.

As a result, we don’t necessarily have alot of close relationships within the church. I don’t know if this is the rule or my own experience.

Whenever we ask someone at church, “How are you?” What’s the usual answer? “Fine”.

A good friend will listen to us without passing judgement. They will give advise after they have considered it very carefully.

I would guess that I have about 2 or 3 good friends in the church that fit this definition. Excluding family members.

It requires us to be a good friend in return.

Try to find someone that you can talk with.

Someone that you can trust completely without betrying your confidence.

(I wish this site had a “Spell check”.

Mike from Milton.

[Anonymous]

Charlie, I know how you feel about your struggles with sexual addiction. I deal with them from time to time myself. A therapist outside of the church has helped me get it under control for most of my life. I’ve also had some serious doubts about the doctrine and history of our church. I’m more like Brian. I like the church. One thing that has also helped me alot in this struggle is realizing sexual feelings aren’t bad. Heavenly Father gave them to you. How are we deal with them can be good or bad. As much as many members of the church wouldn’t like to admit, nobody is perfect at not feeling lust. We can only do the best we can. Since we all still sin, we all need Jesus Christ. Too often with our heavy emphasis on gaining a testimony of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, following the prophets, and doing righteous works we don’t preach of Christ’s atonement often enough. If it wasn’t for Him, the things of the church would be a complete waste. I’m part of a website called LDS Sexuality. That site might be able to help you be a healthy sexual person. You’ll meet all kinds of people on that site. I will pray for you that you’ll find peace in your life.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

sexual feelings aren’t bad

Amen – and neither is sex itself. Our actual theology teaches this, and I wish more members really understood it better.

Quote:

nobody is perfect at not feeling lust

Feeling lust also is not a bad thing, in and of itself. I love my wife dearly, but I also feel lust for her. It’s a very good thing when not misdirected.

[Anonymous]

like alcohol, sex can be an addiction that brings some disappointment or even fear. from time to time i feel bothered by my lustful desires. sometimes i have to weigh in and figure out why i feel the way i feel. sometimes it is troubling to think that something we are born with (our sexual libido) can lead to a state of worry and a lack of peace.

i remember at one point my brother, before he became active, had word of wisdom issues and he agonized at his addictions and had come to me to give him a priesthood blessing.

i think sexual issues can disturb us that way too.

i really feel sorry for pedophiles because where do they turn for help ? unfortunately, there is such a stigma with that sexual orientation that there seems to be little support out in the community for that “condition”.

[Anonymous]

BeLikeChrist, I know you realize that there are degrees to various moral violations. For example, having (1) beer & being a full blown alcoholic. And being repentant (wanting to be forgiven) and unrepentant (don’t care or want any form of forgiveness).

The same thing is true for sexual sins. One of the best postings i’ve seen on this subject was posted by: wayfarer on: 29 Feb 2012 17:27 Support Section titled: “coming to terms with my carnal nature “. http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3052&start=10

I personally believe that pedophilia is not a sexual orientation. The issue is dominance & control of another (defenseless) person.

Maybe I miss understood what you meant. I do that sometimes.

Mike from Milton

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