Torn… what to do?

[Anonymous]

So a couple weeks ago I’m baby sitting for my TBM son & wife. It’s Saturday, he’s working half a day and she is arranging to kidnap him that afternoon. She already has the kids farmed out, an oceanside villa at Laguna rented, dinner reservations made, with sleeping in on Sunday morning, brunch & visiting old bookstores. She confided all of this to

me privately. They are married a decade, the parents of three very active little ones. Normal weekends are filled 24/7, vacations not a possibility…

So the phone starts to ring, while I’m feeding kids & wiping dirty faces (plus wardrobe changes). First call, member of the elder’s quorum presidency (son is the president). Message, the teacher has opted out tomorrow, so son will have to carry the discussion. I said OK. Second call, son’s home teaching companion. Message, visiting tomorrow an absolute, after church. I said I’d tell him.

Two hours later, son and daughter-in-law arrived home within minutes of each other (she’s packed a suitcase). She tells him she needs his advice with something and guides him to her car. They drive off toward the beach… Half hour later, her mom arrives to stay with the kids (grandfather’s are OK for short term duty, dangerous for extended coverage).

I went home with a smile on my face. The next day happened, the world didn’t end, screams weren’t heard from the ward building. But two people I love shared 24 hours alone with each other. Was I wrong for not attempting to cover his assignments (I don’t do priesthood or home teaching anymore). I await Final Judgment, smiling at my wickedness. The motto to this story? Keep LOVE first. Shalom.

[Anonymous]

You handled it perfectly, imo.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Ray. With today’s technology, cell phones, emails, etc., I just had to restrict information, so as not to ruin her special surprise. I know my story is “humdrum,” but I was making the case for LOVE. It is the true “mountain top experience” of our lives. I am surrounded by it and very blest. Now about St. Paddy’s Day…. ha!

[Anonymous]

Their plans were more important than a home teaching visit or substituting for a lesson. Sounds like you helped them prioritize the right way.

[Anonymous]

Which church leader was it that said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” When my husband was called to be elders quorum President and going to medical school at the same time, the stake leaders had a meeting for all the wives and husbands in leadership callings. We were told that some times our husbands callings would be 14th on the list and to set priorities. Unfortunately, my husband did not listen to that good counsel and our marriage almost fell apart. In fact, our oldest son, who was 13 at the time, wrote a letter to our bishop asking him to release his dad as elders quorum president as it was too much and causing his parents to break up. The bishop released my husband right away. Over the years my husband did not change though and church callings become more important than even being intimate with me or spending time with the kids. He was using callings and work to avoid family issues. It was only when I threatened divorce and he left the church that he was willing to put me and the kids first. Sad but true. So, you making sure your kids put there marriage first was so OK!

My question is this: If families come first, why is it that the church (leaders) gives callings, that take up so much time, to parents with the most kids? One of our bishopric counselors is a medical doctor with 8 kids. He looks sick and exhausted all the time. His wife is constantly depressed and crying trying to take care of the kids in the pew while he sits up front. This idea of perfectionism and that we can do it all can be enough to want to take a break from the church at times. I don’t get it.

Bridget

[Anonymous]

Man, I dunno. On the one hand, clearly it was more important for them to have their special time together. Of that there is no doubt. But to me that’s not really the issue at all. What happens when they find out you betrayed their trust (unless they already don’t trust you, but then why would they leave their kids with you). From my perspective, frankly, you decided what was most important for them without giving them the chance to make that decision. Maybe it’s simply not a big deal and they won’t care. If that’s the case then you were absolutely right. But if they feel as if you have betrayed their trust, or taken away a decision that was their’s to make, I am not so sure.

I think I likely would have given them the messages. Growth from making wise decisions only comes when we get the opportunity to make those decisions. He will never learn to put family first if he doesn’t learn to choose his family over church. You essentially denied him the opportunity to make that choice. I mean no offense mind you. Just an opinion. Although I see the need in many cases to shield people from problems, or make decisions for them that is in their best interest, I think it happens far more than it ought to. Our society reeks of people who are ready to be told what to do, who want to have someone else worry about their problems and make decisions for them. I mean anti-Mormons complain about the church all the time in that regard. Allowing people to make important life decisions and learn from experience is what makes us strong people, and more importantly, in a Mormon context, I believe it is what leads us to become more like God. After all, what is being a god all about if not making the right choices when faced with them.

[Anonymous]

I understand Eu ( ), and I think your point is a very good one – but I still probably would have done what George did if I had been in his shoes. I try very, very hard not to make decisions unnecessarily for others, but in this case . . . especially if there was a chance that they might have cancelled their trip . . . I think the gratitude of the wife might be worth the consternation of the husband. (stereotype, I know, but . . .)

[Anonymous]

Let’s take a moment and consider the consequences of these actions. What kind of fallout do you think occurred? I would be laughing at anyone who said their life was ruined because the Elders Quorum President missed church one Sunday when they really needed him to be there. Really?! Did anyone REALLY need the EQP to be there that particular Sunday?

Here’s how it probably went down: Everyone showed up to Elders Quorum and twiddled their thumbs for a few minutes, then when he didn’t show up, one of the counselors probably got up and took charge of the meeting, if the whole presidency was gone, then I’m sure a stalwart priesthood holder took charge of the situation and led a discussion for that week. Every ward has one, in fact, I used to be that one in my ward. The worst that could have happened was everyone skipped out and went home early that week. If some weak quorum member commits some grievous sin because the EQP wasn’t there to infuse him with the Spirit that week, that member has bigger problems than just getting a spiritual infusion on Sunday.

How do you think the Home Teaching situation went down? I’m sure the companion either grabbed his Aaronic Priesthood son or another Elder, or maybe he just went by himself and the visit went just as well as it went every month. The worst that I can imagine is that this family will join the ranks of the hundreds of thousands of families that weren’t home taught this month. I have never seen a quorum that had 100% home teaching any month. It’s not the end of the world if a family doesn’t get a visit from a priesthood holder to teach them from the Ensign that month.

I guess Euhemerus has a point in allowing them to choose for themselves, but under the same circumstances, I would have made the same decision you did and the price of the fallout I’ve described is easily justified by the gains of their lovers’ getaway. It isn’t like the ward is going anywhere or falling apart with his being absent one week. So, yeah, I’d have done the same thing myself.

[Anonymous]

With Eu, let me just share my own rule of thumb for such situations. I scrupulously avoid making any representations, commitments, or misrepresentations when anybody calls on the phone. I think it would have been best to tell the church guys, “He will be out of town. Would you like me to tell him you called?” And then you could have told your son either before or after (via an inconspicuous written message) about the calls.

To me (like Eu?), an increase in frankness often accompanies (indicates?) an increase in respect.

[Anonymous]

I think your heart was in the right place. I would have handled it a little differently though. I would have told the teacher that the EQ President was out of town and that he would need to find another substitute. Ditto for the home teaching partner. By letting them know that your son will be out of town and putting the burden back on the caller to find someone else, you could have easily let your son enjoy his weekend with no fallout for him the following week.

[Anonymous]

I understand everyone’s points here, I really do. And I will have no problem being the oddball here (it’s not the first time). I still claim that the issue is not about the damage of people at church, or the relationship between the husband and wife. The issue is about growth, learning, and trust. I agree with everyone that their marriage is far more important than the phone calls or the EQ. But again, to me, that’s not the issue.

Let me put it another way. The next time such a scenario comes up and George isn’t there to cover what will happen? Will he have learned to choose his family over whatever “emergency” exists at church? Likely not. That is something he needs to work out for himself. But he was not able to make that decision this time.

Let me put it another way. Many people who become disaffected in the LDS church do so because they feel the church is trying to dictate their lives. Why is this a problem? Obviously you want to be able to learn, grow, and make decisions on your own. You’re a big boy/girl and you can read the scriptures and decided whether or not it’s okay to drink green tea without the church telling you otherwise. In other words, you recognize that learning and growth does not come from the outcome of a decision alone, or by following a prescribed set of rules, but from making the right decision yourself.

Anyway, George, I don’t fault you, and Ray has a good point about the consternation of the wife so I digress.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all your comments. SMiLe is the only one I’ll address. In the day of cell phones and modern media communications, I could easily have ruined my DILs surprise. I couldn’t risk that. There are often boundary issues with the church, and her weekend kidnap of her mate was worth allowing two calls to sink into the Pacific. I’m not rude, but I place family first, immediate family. Members often know but one name in an auxiliary/presidency. That person can be approached via computer, phone, facebook, smoke signals, etc. To allow a little escape adventure, absolutely! The couple (and I think the church), are healthier for it. Just my take, mileage may very.

[Author]

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