Toxic relationships

[Anonymous]

Featherina, I hope your sibling receives the email in a good spirit. From what I’ve seen, some family members end up totally enmeshed with a BPD and do believe everything they are being told, even when it flies in the face of reason and common sense. Prayers going up for you. I know from personal experience it’s hard to distance from a mother figure and still find ways to stay interactive with her.

RagDoll Sally, you have really been through it and I applaud you for hanging in there.

MercynGrace, I hope you’re recovering somewhat by now from the latest visit. It’s fortunate your MIL lives across the country, but she still does affect your husband which affects you. I understand this too.

We don’t stop loving these people with BPD, but do have to find a balance between distancing, protecting, interacting, etc. I don’t believe this life is all there is either. I believe there continues to be progression in the next life and handicaps such as these will be lifted there. Trying to visualize a person who is hurting me in white and whole and well, is a technique that has been helpful to me at times.

I do believe there can an element of spiritual unwellness to all this too. I have come to believe this due to the meanness that can be exhibited. When someone laughes and jokes about the hurt they saw on your face when they were deliberately mean, there has to be something spiritual there too. I can’t believe that is just mental illness.

[Anonymous]

mercyngrace wrote:

I’ll be honest, Heber, the situation is so stressful that I can’t even think of how it fits into the POH/POS.

I want to act out of compassion but I end up acting out of self-preservation.

I like your response. I don’t think compassion and self-preservation need to be the opposite ends of the spectrum of responses. Both can be appropriate.

What do they say in responding to other people who are difficult?

SET

S – Support – Talk in a supportive way about the situation, not against them or driving lines on either side of the issue. In martial arts, they teach “aikido” – “the Way of harmonious spirit.” to defend themselves while also protecting their attacker from injury. Having a spirit of supportiveness is an important mindset to keep oneself grounded with while filtering all actions and words.

E – Empathize – They often need to feel heard or validated, regardless of any opinion on right or wrong about the situation.

T – Truth – It is also important to restate reality, whether they can process it now or later. It serves no purpose to enable them by agreeing to a false set of facts. Whether it helps them or just helps you stay grounded, it needs to be kept to the facts.

I guess I can understand a gospel message that despite others’ actions or behaviors, we can be accountable for how we handle it.

But protecting ourselves is an important part of how we handle it, and how much inner strength we have in the face of adversity. Boundaries are necessary, because we can only take so much and can get exhausted trying to stay calm in the midst of non-stop tempests.

I think we must protect ourselves, and we should try to be compassionate in doing so. And we need to be honest with ourselves and allow ourselves to have limits. This is why I believe some people can benefit from a break from Church, when they feel exhausted and going to church is not helping. As SilentDawning always says, “Set Boundaries”.

MnG, I think you handle it well. Don’t be hard on yourself. Acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses and allow yourself to be frustrated and angry and loving and kind. Something tells me you do this pretty well.

How the POH/POS fits for different people in different circumstances is a puzzle for me. (shrug). I am still trying to learn.

[Anonymous]

RagDollSallyUT wrote:

Heber, I am with mercyngrace. The more I turn things in my mind the more I cannot accept this one life is it. For more, look at http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=3613

Thanks for the link to the other thread, RDSUT, I responded over there.

Quote:

You can love these people without standing next to them… and few of us are at the level of perfection that we can justify sacrificing out mental and emotional health to do so. It’s OK to realize your own limitations, IMO.

Totally agree!

[Anonymous]

And the First Presidency Message in the October Ensign is: One Key To a Happy Family by Elder Uchtdorf.

“Those in unhappy families, on the other hand, often find fault, hold grudges, and can’t seem to let go of past offenses.”

Much more on offenses and forgiving. And “But what I have noticed is that often we justify our anger and satisfy our consciences by telling ourselves stories about the motives of others that condemn their actions as unforgivable and egoistic while, at the same time, lifting our own motives as pure and innocent.”

Anyhow, it’s a good article and ultimately we do need to forgive those who have hurt us, even the BPD’s in our lives. However, when we construct our boundaries, many times we are accused of holding a grudge and being unforgiving. This is when it’s a good thing to just trust in God and know that He knows the whole relationship, from beginning to distancing.

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