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Hi – I am hitting a rough patch right now. I am weary, all the advice we try to give is failing, and I am wiped out. I don’t think I will abandon totally, but I may only post up here to vent or cry. Sacrament meeting was all on the right types of families. I don’t think of myself as a big LGBT ally, but it keeps growing in me. 3rd hour was this horrid conflation of the Lift video (which I really like because it’s all about sincere service – nothing more) but today it got turned into a “Pass the Book of Mormon along thing” and “Our stats are worse than a year ago”. I looked around the room, and so many of us are weary. Everyone was reading other stuff (don’t blame them), or lost in space (again, no blame).
My well is dry, the relief I keep hoping for seems long in coming. I worry that I will loose it on the regular board. It may pass – if it does may it be quick.
You have been my religious home for so long, I just wanted to give you a heads up.
Thanks.
hey mom3. You have friends here who understand. I don’t know what I can say, other than I understand and I’m sorry.
I’m skipping church today. Wish you were here in Montana and we’d invite you over for a back yard bbq and then you could vent properly and totally. And we’d enjoy good food and fill that hole you feel with friendship and good times.
I wish.
Really sorry, mom. I don’t know if it’s phase of the moon, or what, but sometimes it’s hard to get a grip. mom3 wrote:I don’t think of myself as a big LGBT ally, but it keeps growing in me.
I’ve wondered about this. I feel the same way about feminism, although don’t ask me to define the term. The seed has sprouted and has a life of its own. Maybe I’m supposed to be happy about it, instead of wondering how I’ve ended up here, pregnant with ideas I didn’t used to have.(((mom3)))
Sorry to hear this Mom. I certainly have down times as well, I just happen to be on the upside right now. Today was ward conference and the SP spoke – he did his usual great job and even had a sections of his talk devoted to Pres. Uchtdorf’s grace talk and talked about doubting Thomas, comparing other references about him in the scriptures. These two returned missionaries sang “Where Can I Turn For Peace” (a favorite of mine) in their mission languages – it brought tears to my eyes. Hang in there Sister – I sincerely love what you share with us and would dearly miss it.
Love you, friend. May there be a road (way).
Ann, you may be onto something with that phase of the moon thing. I’m not trying to one-up you mom3, it was a particularly bad Sunday for me as well and I’m not of the attitude to vent someplace more public. Unfortunately it looks like I’m going to vent here.
I couldn’t imagine this Sunday going much worse. A small part of it, our EQ is all over the place. Our ward has been one week behind in the ETB manual all year, instead of 5th Sunday combined meeting they did a regular PH/RS Sunday. They decided to skip two lessons ahead to the infamous lesson 11, Follow the Living Prophet. The lesson was all about revering the current prophet and quickly devolved to following the counsel on being against SSM and other more political subjects… and I wish I could say that was the worst thing that happened today.
It’s crawl under a rock time for me.
Nibbler, Ann, – I will just make the hole under the rock bigger. The more the merrier. DJ – I am really glad you had a good day. I know I have good days when someone else doesn’t, but it helps to know that somewhere in the world there was happy.
Heber – I am bringing smores. I may have missed the BBQ, but I won’t miss dessert.
Ray – I will keep looking for the road. When I find it, I will let you know.
Thanks.
Knowing others have better ward situations can be hard for some people, but we had three really good talks in Sacrament Meeting about grace and the atonement; Sunday School was a good discussion about the raising of Lazarus (including a defense of Martha and a mention of how we need to let people grieve and worship in whatever way works for them) and a good third-hour presentation about the Pathway program being offered by the Church through BYU-Idaho. Working in college admissions, I was skeptical of that program when I first heard about it, but I LOVE (and I mean truly, deeply LOVE) the effort the Church is putting into making college classes and degrees affordable to members around the world. $65/credit in the United States is ridiculously low, and the only requirement is church membership.
I wonder if I could ever go back to SS. Every time I test the waters it seems that I regret it. I have said b4 that I have gotten pretty comfortable in this version of Mormonism that lives in my head – it is just that in SS I feel smothered. It feels like everyone is telling me that the way that I believe is wrong/lesser. I am sorry for your struggle. Know that you are not alone. I believe that you are known, understood, accepted, and loved. You are worthy.
Quote:It feels like everyone is telling me that the way that I believe is wrong/lesser.
This. Yes.
Quote:Know that you are not alone. I believe that you are known, understood, accepted, and loved. You are worthy.
Thank you. Those words are sunshine to my darkness.
mom, totally okay if you’re not inclined to talk about it, but I’ve wondered how things went when your daughter (about to go through the temple) came home a couple of weeks ago. I don’t mind talking about it here. I may make a small mention of it on the public forum, but I think it wound Silent Dawning up with worry and I don’t want to add to it. Our visit was fun. We steered pretty clear of temple conversations. We had one where we agreed to not talk about it until I visit her in November. As the last fully orthodox member of our family, I think she feels that she alone is carrying the Celestial Achievement Responsibility on her shoulders. It also doesn’t help that she is 26 1/2, with no husband prospects in site, and moving into the single sisterhood experience. All of her college room mates are temple married, starting families, and her home family is miles away from the system of beliefs we raised her in.
She did say I hurt her pretty bad, she called two former room mates to sound off to. She said it calmed her down. I don’t think though it’s mend-able in an instant. Part of me desperately wants her to wait longer before she goes through. But it is her choice. My husband and I talked about it and feel that I will go through with her on her first time, then maybe give her my clothes to use for the for the future. I think I can yes and no the questions enough to find satisfaction with my choice, it just maybe the intense heartburn when we go through that I will need time to process.
I am grateful for time, and hope it helps us both heal a bit more.
As a Mom I never dreamed I would burden my child with anything like this. We both have a lot of hopes and expectations laying on the floor shattered. It may take eternity to fully restore the pieces. I did appreciate your warmth and maturity when she was here. I don’t know if our rolls had been reversed if I would have done my end as well as she did.
Thanks for asking.
mom3 wrote:As the last fully orthodox member of our family, I think she feels that she alone is carrying the Celestial Achievement Responsibility on her shoulders. It also doesn’t help that she is 26 1/2, with no husband prospects in site, and moving into the single sisterhood experience. All of her college room mates are temple married, starting families, and her home family is miles away from the system of beliefs we raised her in.
This sounds a lot like my daughter who is at BYU-Idaho. With all our family has gone through, she sees herself as the devout one to have faith we can pull through as a family. My 2nd daughter is married in the temple to a RM and mostly active, but is more liberal in thinking, and has had deep conversations with me about seeing things differently. But my oldest daughter can’t have those discussions with me…she cries and runs to her bishop in Rexburg to get support that things can’t be different than how it is portrayed at church, so the problem must be our family…not the church’s story. She is more prone to stick her fingers in her ears and block out reality in hopes of holding on to her vision of paradise in the gospel. It puts a strain on our relationship, but I have to realize I can only talk to her about what she is capable of processing.My worry is that she is placing unnecessary pressure on herself to “save” our family, when the rest of us are fine…mostly active but adapting to family changes and how we view temples and eternal families. She self imposes that pressure and responsibility, and I can’t really tell her not to or she worries more. I keep hoping in time and as she becomes more wise with life experience, it will get better.
It just doesn’t seem like this was the way I pictured family life to be when the kids were munchkins running around and I was in the bishopric and life was so different before it took a drastic turn on us all. And…I’ve had several friends tell me the same. You don’t picture family life being the way it actually turns out.
It is good to hear the visit was fun with your daughter. Having those experiences, that despite different beliefs, the feelings when together are warm and good, I think will go a long way in helping to overcome things in the future.
Quote:
It just doesn’t seem like this was the way I pictured family life to be when the kids were munchkins running around and I was in the bishopric and life was so different before it took a drastic turn on us all.
Amen to that.The tsunami was so unexpected for us. We had been a devoted LDS focused tribe, then the storm came, blew upon the house, and we sensed more sand than we thought. The full wave crashed while she was a freshman at BYU-Provo. Miles away in Happy Valley. Surrounded by the kind that fit the model. The four years that covered that time parted our roads deeply. And I agree that she really does hold herself fully responsible to get us all home.
She is a straight A student, full ride scholarship girl. You hand her a class syllabus and she will fulfill all the requirements or die trying. Our religion is set up that way. Here is the list, the books, the way to highlight and read them. Now go. It may be her Achilles heel in time. I so don’t want it to be, but I look at my life, see the same styling and know that the syllabus can let you down.
We did have some scripture religion talks privately as we ran errands. It was in those conversations that I began to see the syllabus plan at work. Elder Bednar did a private Q & A, much like the large broadcast one, for her region. He assured them that if they stuck to the Scriptures and Priesthood all their questions would be answered. I didn’t say anything but I wanted to scream, “NO” “It’s not that simple”, but I have already shot enough holes in her heart, I decided to let it go. Time will be her teacher and maybe leadership will change during that time and she will be spared the disconnect based on Priesthood and Scriptures that happens to many of us.
I know her heart is well intended. My honest prayer, after spending the weekend with her, is to do as little harm as possible. To work to keep whatever relationship we have, sustainable and viable. And pray that the Unseen Hand that works through life will help us mend. She is my oldest, and though I love each of my kids equally, she was my first foray into motherhood. Her arrival was filled with 3 or 4 intense visionary spiritual experiences, which melds her birth deeper into my soul. I hope I can honor the best between us and that the futures fates will be kind.
Thanks mom and Heber for talking about your girls. This is so very heavy on my mind and heart right now. I’ve been purposely vague and not truthful out in the public part of the site for privacy reasons. It was our daughter, not a son, who headed off on her mission to South Korea two and a half years ago, right as my former testimony went up in flames. She and I are very close. Maybe it’s an oldest child thing, but she’s very dutiful and black and white. She feels like I’ve pulled the rug out from under her, but she is, above all, kind. So, day by day….
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