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Hello, I hope its ok for me to post here. I am active, believing LDS. My husband has lost his faith, but is trying to figure out a way to stay in the church for the sake of our marriage and children. I love him and want to be supportive while we navigate through this. I need some help and suggestions. I would also love to know if there are any places that I can go to communicate with other people who are in my position. I will never divorce my husband, who is a good man. But I also want to make sure that our marriage is as good as it can be. Just staying together is not good enough, I want to us to be happy.
I have read many of your posts, and have been impressed with your candor. I believe God loves us all and wants us to be happy, so I want to do all I can to help my husband find some peace.
If it is inappropriate for me to post here, I apologize. Please let me know if I have erred and I will not post again.
Thanks in advance.
Pinkpatent, This is definitely the place to you.
John Dehlin
There is NOTHING wrong with you posting here – absolutely nothing. I’m glad you found us – and I appreciate deeply your description of your concern for your marriage and love of a good man. Would that ALL could write what you wrote. Does your husband know about us? We’d love to have him read and contribute.
pinkpatent wrote:Hello,
I hope its ok for me to post here. I am active, believing LDS. My husband has lost his faith, but is trying to figure out a way to stay in the church for the sake of our marriage and children. I love him and want to be supportive while we navigate through this. I need some help and suggestions. I would also love to know if there are any places that I can go to communicate with other people who are in my position.
PinkPatent,
If it helps, I can offer some of my experience, as I’ve been a believing, active member my whole life. Recent events have challenged my faith, and I have started asking questions that I never thought I’d ask a few years ago. I also have a supportive wife, and would never leave her or get a divorce, but church has been hard for me. Family should always come first and the church help make families stronger by living the gospel, and by planning for eternal relationships.
But that has been hard when things haven’t gone well recently, and church and prayer and scripture study don’t bring the peace I’ve been looking for.
So my recent journey is to see if I’ve been a TBM withouth deeply thinking about my faith. So I am now searching for answers not just inside the church, but by all other churches and inspired writings. I have found it very enlightening, and I think over the past few months, it has brought me back to realize I really do have a testimony and will stay LDS, I just need to be more open minded and focus my testimony on Christ, not on the church only.
Talking with people on this forum has helped me. I would suggest you try to establish open communication with your husband, so he can express his thoughts and feelings without feeling guilty or like he’ll be judged for expressing his true feelings. And I don’t think you need to panic that if he doubts, all is lost. People go through changes and look for deeper meaning that fulfills one self. I would appreciate my wife talking to me about this and reading things with me and studying with me, as long as there can be trust in the relationship that I’m allowed to doubt while I go no my journey, and still feel loved at home.
If you think my situation is close to your husband’s and want to ask questions on how I am approaching my journey, or have him join the conversation to see that he is not alone in asking questions and thinking through things, I think that is what we are all here on this forum to do, share and realize we are not alone in our thoughts.
Welcome to the forum.
Thank you for welcoming me. I have shared this site with my husband and he has been reading the posts. It has helped him quite a bit because he feels rather isolated. This is the hardest part for me, to see him feeling alone. I want to be everything to my husband, but I know that he needs more than just me right now. So, thank you all for being willing to open your hearts to others. I will have my husband teach me how to use this format so that I can post and/or reply to posts in a more personal manner. For now, I will just have to do it this way. I am not tech smart. I will also encourage him to post since he is the best spokesman for himself.
Thanks again.
Pinkpatent, Don’t worry. It might seem overwhelming technically, but it’s quite easy once you get the hang of it.
You’ll be off to the running in no time.
John
This is a great site for DH. FacesEast.org is a great site for you!
FacesEast definitely can be a good site for people in your situation. I certainly would check it out and see how it feels to you. Welcome to the site. You and DH are both welcome, and I second the recommendation of Faces East. The only other thing I will add is that it’s great to see your love for your DH. Too often differences in belief result in a wedge in a marriage, but that doesn’t have to be the case. IMO, one’s love for one’s spouse requires lifelong effort and understanding, regardless of belief or doubts. (((hugs))) to both of you. It can be a strange and bumpy journey. For my marriage the biggest thing was reassuring my husband that our marriage is the most important thing. It is hard when one spouse (in this case me) starts to question the temple. My husband didn’t know where that left him. So, keep an open dialog. If you are scared or worried about something just ask your hubby. And if hubby is reading this, HI! Make sure to explain to your wife how your changing beliefs do not change your feeling for her. Actually, this can deepen your marriage and affection if you let it.
As for finding peace, I suppose that is a different path for each of us. I have found my peace and my path inside of me. I chose to study more church history and then turned to delving into the scriptures to make sense of it all, with the help of some alternative LDS blogs.
I rely on a lot of prayer, study and reflection. I have also begun to study other ancient texts and modern spiritual teachings from which I have gained a lot of light and truth.
I have found this site full of “kindred spirits” who have felt similar to me and some even seem to be on the exact same path as me. It is nice not to be “alone.”
Hugs to you and your husband. It sounds like you are both going into this in a realistic and spiritually mature way. I am so glad to hear about your dedication to making things work. You are not alone, not by a long shot. You can make it work too. Now more than possibly ever you will find ways to put the words of the Savior into practice, to show love, patience, charity, all these true aspects of divinity. My DW is no longer a believer. We’ve been working through this for about 2 years. There are ups and downs, but you guys sound like you are starting out on a much more even keel.
FacesEast focuses specifically on the topic of marriage to a disaffected or non-member spouse — how to continue making that a celestial marriage. The site is more for the remaining faithful, believing spouse.
Feel free to see if your husband will join us here. We love to talk about all the controverial material and problems. It doesn’t bother us here, so we are a safe place to talk about things, one that is rarely available in our local wards and families.
Hello Valoel, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have to admit, I was shocked and angry at first. But, I love my husband so dearly that it is hard for me to stay angry. Then I was mosty sad. Now, I feel much more hopeful. I guess the number one thing that guides me is that divorce was never an option for either of us. We are really in love with each other. Its just getting used to the new normal. Fortunately, church or not, I still believe that my husband is the best person I have ever known. I love what you said about doing all I can to make my marriage a celestial marriage. I can do that! I can make my home a heaven on earth. So, thanks. Your comments were very uplifting.
pinkpatent, this is another one of my absolutely heterodox beliefs, but I personally believe that the core, fundamental, highest command relative to marriage ever given was to “cleave unto her and none else”. In our terms, it is to become one as a couple in all ways. Frankly, I don’t think ANY temple marriage in which the spouses do NOT become one is a celestial marriage – and I believe ANY non-temple marriage in which the spouses truly do become one IS a celestial marriage. The latter simply hasn’t been ratified by God yet (when viewed from a classic Mormon perspective – NOT mine). Right now, I can’t fathom God tearing apart a couple that has managed to become one simply because one of the partners isn’t totally on board with the religious theology of their time. I personally think those who become Christ-like / godly in this life will have “a multitude of sins” covered by the Atonement – and becoming one as a couple is a key part of that, imo.
So, if it helps your husband to phrase it in that way, go for it.
Also,
I HIGHLY recommend watching the movie “What Dreams May Come”– and focusing intently on the part near the end where the husband explains to his wife why he won’t leave her in (literal) Hell (after leaving her in her previous figurative Hell) – why living in Hell with her is better than living in Heaven alone. If you and your husband can see the incredibly deep and profound message I took from that scene . . . I think much, if not all, of your collective angst and concern will vanish – and you can tackle life together with faith that you will remain together eternally simply because you won’t accept anything else. (Fwiw, that’s how I feel about my wife – and ain’t nobody going to split us apart, ’cause we are welding ourselves into one being.) Very good comments Ray. I agree completely. “What Dreams May Come” is one of my all-time favorite movies.
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