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Hi, I have been lurking a bit here, but once I registered at another similar site I figured I should register here too. I had doubts about the church right from the start and for years hoped that would change. Instead I came to a more firm conviction that the church is not what it claims to be. However, with five children between the ages of 3 and 13, and a TBM husband, I was desperate to find a way to stay active in the church and still not feel dishonest about what I truly felt and believed. It has really come to head in the past few weeks, especially with my 13 year old daughter asking me very pointed questions about what I really believe, and I came very close to walking away from it all. I even finally opened up about it to my husband – man, that was a mistake. I think I have been able to do some successful damage-control there. I find it so ironic that Pres Hinckley warned members against visiting online forums, when that is really what has kept me from leaving the church (I of course recognize that for TBMs the experience could be quite different and devastating). The support and advice I have recently received from others who feel as I do has been so helpful for me to find a way to make this work for the sake of my family.
I am curious if any of you have non-member family that you have confided in. My parents are atheist/agnostic non-members, and were very hurt when I got married in the temple. I am actually afraid for them to ever find out that I don’t really believe in the church because then they will probably be even angrier about my temple marriage 15 years ago (it is still an open wound… can’t say that I blame them). Other friends of mine have told me that my parents would probably be relieved to know my true feelings about the church, and that I should open up to them about it.
Any similar experiences out there?
Asha, my only advice is twofold: 1) Consider the possible reactions of your parents – and by that I mean how they would treat the information you would share with them. Regardless of how they would feel personally, would they tell others who would tell others who would end up telling people who probably should hear from you? If you told them, are they capable of keeping it to themselves? Are they capable of trying to be objective – of encouraging you, for example, to stay involved in the Church if that is best for you and your family in the long run?
2) They are your parents, and part of “honoring thy father and mother” is allowing them to counsel you. I believe in that deeply – but I also believe in not doing so if such counsel is going to be one-sided and focused on driving a further wedge between you and your husband, for example, or intentionally undertaken to destroy faith. That’s something you have to determine for yourself.
This is not an easy decision, but I also belief sincerely and passionately that there are solid ways for those who are reconstructing their faith to do so in full honesty and openness that actually are productive – that actually can result in a more mature and abiding faith than what they had before they struggled. There is a power in “redefinition” that can bring great peace even as certainty fades away – as previous certainty is replaced by purer faith.
I hope this site helps you see how others are working that out in their own lives – not as a “blueprint” for exactly how you should do it in your own, but rather simply as evidence that it can be done and can be “real”. I also hope your own experiences can be a help to others – that all of us can learn from you.
Hi, Asha. I’m glad you took the time to register and introduce yourself. Staying for the sake of family is a noble thing that the New Order Mormon folks do an excellent job of supporting, and these forums do an excellent job of supporting the idea of staying for the sake of yourself and the church. Here we are trying to say, “I am at very least considering the idea of staying because of some benefit of the relationship between me and the church.” It’s a curious proposition, but we are at least entertaining it. When you say you were able to do “damage control” with the TBM husband, what exactly do you mean (if you don’t mind my asking)? I think the answer to that reveals something about how you’ll have to proceed with your parents. If you told him “no problem…..golden plates…..principal ancestors….got it”, then maybe you can’t be open with your parents in any event, because it’s probably not good for that to come out if you had to get your husband stabilized. On the other hand, if your husband now understands that you have doubts but wish to move forward with your marriage and with a faith on your own terms, that becomes a safer thing to do. Ray and Tom (who are wiser than I by a country mile) tend to advocate more honesty. I’m a bit more cynical – I really do think that sometimes people don’t need to know certain important things. But in any event, I think your approach needs to be consistent. Word gets out and you don’t want anyone to know that you’re lying to them (or think you are). Best of luck and welcome to the forum! I’m excited to hear more about your experiences. I also want to echo Tom’s sentiment that staying for the family is a noble thing to do. A home at peace is a worthwhile goal no matter what your faith. Tom said “Here we are trying to say, “I am at very least considering the idea of staying because of some benefit of the relationship between me and the church.” It’s a curious proposition, but we are at least entertaining it.” I don’t know if I will ever get to that point. Right now I am trying to find a way to stay at least until my kids have grown and left home, then I will re-evaluate. I have sometimes wondered if I would choose to stay if something happened to my husband (i.e. death, leaves church himself, etc) and I don’t really think I would. I think my kids are definitely benefitting in many ways from our family’s membership in the church, but I don’t know if the pros always outweigh the cons (no pun intended!). Maybe I am just trying to find a way to keep the peace?
“Gabe said “When you say you were able to do “damage control” with the TBM husband, what exactly do you mean (if you don’t mind my asking)?”
My husband is one of those very non-confrontational types. In 15 years of marriage I don’t think he has ever raised his voice to me. When he is angry or upset he prefers to quietly ignore whatever is making him angry. When I tearfully confided in him that I had secretly not believed the church to be true for many years, he grew very quiet and didn’t talk to me for a day and a half except in front of the kids. Finally I apologized to him for laying so much on him at once. I told him I felt that I had found a way to feel better about staying in the church despite my doubts and that he did not need to concern himself further with the thought that I might be going “apostate”. He quickly told me that I had no reason to apologize and that he was troubled that I had not opened up to him sooner. That, however, was the end of the conversation and it has not been brought up again. I can tell that he would prefer to not talk about it since our differing views of church history are very troubling to him. He will not listen to or read anything that is not directly sanctioned by the church (completely the opposite of me!) We are best friends in every other way, so it is sad that I cannot talk openly with him about the church. It is clear to me that he prefers to not know what he doesn’t know. He is happier with his head in the sand, and in many ways I envy him for that.
I think I am cynical too. I was interested in the opinions of others on the topic of confiding in my non-member parents, but I don’t think I would ever be able to do it. I honestly fear the backlash it could create, and I also agree with Gabe that there is a huge possibility that they might start being less respectful with regards to the church which could ultimately be hard on my husband and children.
Thanks for your replies!
asha wrote:Right now I am trying to find a way to stay at least until my kids have grown and left home, then I will re-evaluate. I have sometimes wondered if I would choose to stay if something happened to my husband (i.e. death, leaves church himself, etc) and I don’t really think I would.
I think that is good. Leaving the church is fine too. I believe people need to do whatever is necessary to heal bitterness and anger in themselves and around them. In my own case I happen to be yielding judgment to the pre-mortal Tom Haws, whom I believe with a better view than the mortal Tom Haws decided for some curious reason to be born LDS. I entertain no notion that he chose an LDS family because the LDS church was particularly needy or rewarding. It’s just, in my view, what he (I) chose and what became my tribe, and that is good enough for me at this time. I wish you richest blessings in determining your own peaceful and abundant path of preparation and mission.
Welcome! If you haven’t already, I recommend that you read the other introductions. There are some really interesting stories here. Hope this site helps you out.
HiJolly
Hi Asha, Welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing your story. We all benefit from sharing these journeys with each other. No two are exactly alike. I learn so much from what I hear from other people.
I think you are handling things as best you can so far. The interchange with your husband sounded like it wasn’t too bad, all things considered. His response sounded positive to me too. I have heard much worse. I got the impression that moving SLOWLY into honesty and discussion with hime will probably work. He sounds like he needs a lot of time to process and think it through, in the solitdude of his mind and heart, but will come to good conclusions. I have a touch of that personality type too.
For you: We’re all here because at some point in our life, we realize the Church wasn’t what we thought it was. A lot of people put it in these terms “The Church isn’t what it claims to be.” I think this is more accurately presented the way I said it originally. Our views change over time. Once upon a time, the Church really was what it claimed to be, to me. I believed. So what changed? Me.
Keep going down the path, there is more ahead.
I am glad to have you here. Feel free to ask questions, start new topics, and provide advice from your own experience.
Asha – I second everyone else’s welcome. I agree with the advice to probably not share your feelings with your parents, at least until you and your DH have some peace and common ground. To me, that’s the most troubling part of your story. The marriage has to come first, and because your parents’ views differ so greatly from your husband’s it will probably just drive more of a wedge into the marriage or add undue pressure. Sounds like DH also could benefit from a little more talking, a lot less repressing difficult conversations. Some believing spouses worry that their non-believing spouses will chuck them with the beliefs or not respect their beliefs. Some worry that it reflects on their own failure in the home – as a parent, spouse or faithful church member. Some worry that the non-believing spouse will not be united in their parenting ideas. That worry can erode trust in marriage. So I do advocate for more honesty within the marriage. I wouldn’t take it outside that until that is settled which may take many months or even years.
The starting point, IMO, is to be clear that you really do love your husband for himself and want to make the marriage work. Once you are clear on why you are with him, you can better articulate that and assuage his fears of abandonment that learning of your faith crisis might create.
I haven’t introduced myself yet, but am considering doing so when I can figure out how to put things. It may take a while. But I did want to respond to your post and your question about your parents. I agree with those who have expressed misgivings about telling them that you no longer believe. There are several posible dangers. There are some good posibilities also, but why not “test the waters” first. You can appologise for being married in a way that they were excluded from without going so far as to say that youno longer believe that the church is what it claims. Tell them that you realize that being married in the temple excluded them, and now that you are a parent, you realize how much of a mistake that was. You could tell them that your love for them should have been a higher priority than where and by what authority you married. Or however you want to put it. This may help their feelings without saying tht all their hurt over that topic was a waste.
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