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The only thing that can cause disappointment is unrealistic expectations.Think about that seriously. Ponder it deeply and at length, if necessary. The human, gut reaction is to say, “But . . .”
All of you here know that I rarely speak in absolutes in this forum, but this is a promise:
If you individually understand this one simple principle, it can do perhaps more than anything else to bring peace and charity into your life.Ray, this reminds me of a Neal A Maxwell quote that I often reflect on: Quote:A basic cause of murmuring is that too many of us seem to expect that life will flow ever smoothly, featuring an unbroken chain of green lights with empty parking places just in front of our destinations!
-Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Murmur Not’,” Ensign, Nov 1989, 82
I don’t think it is realistic that we don’t have any expectations…faith and hope are built upon expectations. I guess the trick is to not make them “unrealistic” – especially with what we expect from others. True charity is doing a loving act with no expectation of reward…just doing it out of love.I agree with these concepts. I guess the trick is managing the expectations, because we cannot live without them.
I need to more fully ponder
“unrealistic expectations”.What is realistic for me may not be realistic for others. For example, my son finishing high school so he can go to college is realistic. He can do it if he chooses to. But if we chooses to drop out…I will be disappointed because I know what it will do for limiting his future choices. So while finishing HS is realistic…he may choose not to follow through on that. I’m not sure that can be avoided, because of free agency. Old-Timer wrote:The only thing that can cause disappointment is unrealistic expectations.I absolutely love this…and agree 100% I would also add, that most expectations we have may be unrealistic! I’ve mentioned this before, but on a very profound Vision Quest I did years ago, when I “asked” what principles I needed to learn to live the rest of my life more stress-free and peacefully, the answer I received was, 1) to have no expectations of others — what we get is a gift; and 2) I am resposible for everything in my life — I am never a victim.
When I live in harmony with these, I am always at peace.
Thanks for the reminder, Ray!
Glenn Campbell: “There’s been a load of comprisin’ on the road to my horizon!!” Thanks for this Ray! I absolutely love it! I’ll add that that concept is also at the very core of emotional health. Staying present is another way of saying “No expectations”. For those who may not understand practically what this may look like, I would add that one is aware of POSSIBILITIES but free of the expectations of a particular outcome. By being aware of possibilities, we can maintain healthy boundaries, take care of oneself, and release any and all expectations whether they are about people or situations.
I remember Pres. Monson speaking at BYU when I was a student there (a multiple stake fireside in the Mariott Center), I clearly remember him boldly proclaiming to “dream big,” “do not limit your dreams,” and “just because you did poorly in chemistry in high school does not mean you should not major in chemical engineering here at BYU, because the lord will bless you,” etc. I’m paraphrasing, but this was the tenor of the talk, and now all of these years later it seems to me very bad advice. BYU is littered with the corpses of over-zealous LDS who later collapse from disillusionment and broken dreams and are never the same afterwards, people like Stan Ferguson (the subject of the very interesting biography “Quest For the Gold Plates”) who went into the wildernesses of Mexico, Central and South America (with the the blessing of church authorities) in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s with absolute, 100% certainty that he was going to prove scientifically the BOM was true…and ended up years later, in his golden years, disillusioned from the church and more or less agnostic. Better to start modestly, with modest dreams, building one step at a time, best not to get “too big for our britches”. Ok, what are ‘unrealistic’ expections to have from our leaders and the church then? When I got married I had some realistic and maybe some ‘unrealistic’ expectations from my spouse. I expected him to be faithful to me, provide financially for me and our children, etc. The doctrine and covenants outlines expectations from bishops etc. Church leaders were excommunicated at times in church history when they did not meet certain expectations When we are baptized or get TR’s we are expected to be honest in our answers. So, what are the ‘unrealistic’ expectations? ken wrote:I’m paraphrasing, but this was the tenor of the talk, and now all of these years later it seems to me very bad advice. BYU is littered with the corpses of over-zealous LDS who later collapse from disillusionment and broken dreams and are never the same afterwards, people like Stan Ferguson (the subject of the very interesting biography “Quest For the Gold Plates”) who went into the wildernesses of Mexico, Central and South America (with the the blessing of church authorities) in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s with absolute, 100% certainty that he was going to prove scientifically the BOM was true…and ended up years later, in his golden years, disillusioned from the church and more or less agnostic. Better to start modestly, with modest dreams, building one step at a time, best not to get “too big for our britches”.
I hear what you are saying Ken. I have seen those kind of disillusionments in our gay returned missionaries who were promised by their leaders that if they prayed, fasted, temple, even married the opposite sex, they would overcome their same-sex attractions. These men believed this and worked their hearts out but were given ‘unrealistic’ expectations. So, what can we expect from our leaders?
Quote:what can we expect from our leaders?
That they try their hardest.
I believe that, generally, those who are called as leaders are inspired more often than not, but I believe that’s because they are sincere and try to seek inspiration. At the root, however, all I expect is their best effort – since that’s all I can promise when I’m on the receiving end of the expectations.
After all, our leaders are us.
bridget_night wrote:Ok, what are ‘unrealistic’ expections to have from our leaders and the church then? When I got married I had some realistic and maybe some ‘unrealistic’ expectations from my spouse. I expected him to be faithful to me, provide financially for me and our children, etc. The doctrine and covenants outlines expectations from bishops etc. Church leaders were excommunicated at times in church history when they did not meet certain expectations When we are baptized or get TR’s we are expected to be honest in our answers. So, what are the ‘unrealistic’ expectations?
All expectations are unrealistic. If you never have any expectations you’ll never be disappointed.
It reminds me of a statement I heard about why it is better to be a pessimist than an optimist::
If you are a pessimist, you have the pleasure of being right, or otherwise pleasantly surprised.
Old-Timer wrote:If you individually understand this one simple principle, it can do perhaps more than anything else to bring peace and charity into your life.AMEN! Brother Ray. Preach on.
A great reminder Ray. Truer words have never been spoken! Removing unrealistic expectations will improve every relationship we have, and improve almost every social interaction. Having fully agreed with Ray, let me digress a bit now. Keep in mind that, like most things in life, we have these types of mechanisms built-in to us for a good reason. Expectations are part of what makes society work. It is part of the psychological mechanism that has made us a social species. If we don’t have expectations that people will play fair, we won’t catch the cheaters, and society as a whole will degrade. Reciprocity is built into us, much like it is for vampire bats (although more complex). In this light, things such as gossip, and expectations for example, are understood to be invaluable traits for society as whole. Hence, I believe that on a personal level expectations are damaging to a relationship, on a group level they are good and very beneficial. A good balancing act seems to be the key.
I try to take an approach that is going to sound paradoxical, but that I believe is a healthy balance. On a personal level I try to remove any expectations of other people. I try to love people as they are, not because of what they do. On the other hand, as an assertive person, I retain my right to exercise my own judgment in avoiding more pain for myself, even if that means bailing out of the relationship.
Euhemerus wrote:On the other hand, as an assertive person, I retain my right to exercise my own judgment in avoiding more pain for myself, even if that means bailing out of the relationship.
Does this include relationship with God? I’m trying to understand what expectations I should have for God, because this seems to be my motivation for exactness in obedience. If I am taught to rely on His help…won’t that inevitably lead to disappointment?…and also…do bats get offended easily? What do you know about bat reciprocity?
Heber, do you have a prescription for the drug that caused that last question? 😆 Heber13 wrote:Euhemerus wrote:On the other hand, as an assertive person, I retain my right to exercise my own judgment in avoiding more pain for myself, even if that means bailing out of the relationship.
Does this include relationship with God? I’m trying to understand what expectations I should have for God, because this seems to be my motivation for exactness in obedience. If I am taught to rely on His help…won’t that inevitably lead to disappointment?
That is really a great question! I was really thinking about it in terms of human interactions and organizations, not with God. I think I would need to think more about it. Off the top of my head it seems like having expectations of God would be even worse as God’s will is rather unpredictable, especially if you think he is bound in any way shape or form by a set of rules characterized by humans. I think this is why, in Mormonism, we put a lot of focus on accepting God’s will. We bend to Him, not the other way around. In a more general sense however, this form of surrendering our will to God is the ultimate ideal for personal growth (I’m in Maxwell’s camp on this issue). It has much less to do with God than it does with ourselves. In this light, I think the answer to your question is to turn internal to self, rather than external. Your expectations of God should consist of God doing whatever God sees fit and your accepting His will as your own. In a theological light this makes a lot of sense as God knows what’s best for us. On a more realistic note, however, it feel like a cop-out to simply be okay with the hand of cards you are dealt.However, even if we take the latter approach, just dealing with the hand of cards we’re dealt, I think the wisdom of “accepting” this hand of cards is very powerful. It gives us power to change our own lives in a world in which everyone is seeking control over us.
Heber13 wrote:…and also…do bats get offended easily? What do you know about bat reciprocity?
In my limited, non-expert reading, yes, they do. Vampire bats will regurgitate blood they have sucked for another bat who was not so fortunate (do unto others as you would have them to unto you, right). However, the bats seem to communicate, and keep track of who “owes” them so to speak. If the benevolent bat then goes to the moocher bat, and the moocher bat refuses to share, the benevolent bat will be less inclined to share with that bat next time, and will publicize it. After a few times, the moocher bat is labeled a cheater and he will not be able to benefit from the group.In an evolutionary sense, I think religion (was invented possibly and) serves this purpose in humans. Religion encourages those noble ideals in us so that society, as a whole, is elevated. But it is important to realize that this is a balancing act with self-interest. If self-interest is removed, innovation (achievement) will be stifled and society will degrade. The good news is that our brains seem to be wired for both self-interest (flesh), and reciprocity (spirit). Together they allow us to work together to elevate society, while at the same time giving us motivation to excel. Gov’ts that play on this truth are successful, and gov’ts that try to play to one extreme or the other, inevitably fail. I actually think the church does a pretty good job balancing these two competing forces. The only exception, I think, is that we often belittle the flesh (self-interest) as somehow less noble. To me it is a coordination exercise, not a control exercise.
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