Unsure where to go from here

[Anonymous]

I’ve been lurking here for a while lately. I think I’ve finally reached a point where I’m ready to pursue a more positive relationship with the Church and let go of the bitterness I’ve been holding on to. I’ve accepted that I’ll never be able to believe quite like I used to and am hoping to forge my own spiritual path. I want to find a way to positively contribute in the Church even with different beliefs, but I don’t really know how to overcome some of the obstacles(I should note that I’m currently a student at BYU, to put things in context):

1. I’ve been severely depressed for the last few years(getting better lately), and during that time have lost all of my friends. I’m not sure who would accept me with my changed beliefs and different experiences with the church. I’m also at the age where dating is a concern, not sure how to ever find anyone who I could really be open with about my beliefs and experiences, especially at BYU.

2. During my faith crisis, I’ve done some things I probably shouldn’t have. I’m not sure if “repenting” to a bishop is necessary to be accepted in the community. I no longer really believe in priesthood authority, so for me it’s more a matter of community acceptance and participation than worthiness. I also don’t want to risk my ecclesiastical endorsement, on which hangs a lot of my time and money.

3. I just feel so alienated at church every Sunday. The talks and lessons are constant reminders of what I once believed in, and how I no longer fit in like I used to. Discussions in classes assume everyone is on the same page with their beliefs, which leaves me feeling left out most of the time.

The good news is my family is very supportive, as many of them are fairly unorthodox themselves. I’m hoping I can find more acceptance here and find ways to participate while remaining authentic (and not get kicked out for perceived apostasy)

[Anonymous]

Hey Arrakeen,

Sometimes, I think it’s helpful instead of thinking “How am I going to overcome these obstacles?” to think “Where would I like to be when I get to the other side?”. It’s tough, when the Church has defined everything for you your entire life, to figure out who you are and who you want to be.

Addressing a few of your points:

1. There are plenty of people at BYU with all levels of nuance when it comes to the Church. Most people won’t come out and say the fundamentals aren’t true, but you’ll still get plenty of people who might disagree with certain teachings, doctrines, and practices. For example, the whole Life Sciences department whole-heartedly believes in biological evolution. 100% of them, I swear. A few “ethics” classes I had, held very pro-LGBT instructors, with prominent members of the Church (Stake Presidents, ex-mission presidents), who were very vocal against Church policy. I like to think most members are “Cafeteria Mormons” to some extent, picking and choosing what they believe (though most won’t admit it). Maybe you just have different “tastes” than most when it comes to the cafeteria, but you’ll certainly find those who have the same “preferences” as you.

2. I highly recommend using the counselling servies provided at BYU. It’s free, and you should use them. Most of the things the Church tells us not to do, is still a good idea not to do, even if a lot of the theology behind it isn’t right. I think it’s more of the confession, and not who you confess to, that’ll bring about “repentance”. Side note: There are SO many issues with the BYU honor code, this being one of them. The topic pops up on here fairly reguarly.

3. I’m a big advocate of two things. First is, not sticking around during a class I don’t agree with. Second, is self-study. There are lots of holy places you can be, and lots of holy things to learn outside of the LDS Church. If the bishop asks, just say you’re dealing with anxiety (which is true).

Best wishes, Arrakeen. Everything is going to be fine.

[Anonymous]

I second everything that dande said, I can’t comment on the byu ecclesiastical endorsement so didn’t attend but I get what you feel you would loose as there is a lot of investment there and in an instant it could be gone. However I think are ways to navigate through without having to make books or extreme declarations on forgets with dogma that would certainly end up with some advertise actions. I see many of my differences as opinions and grey areas anyway.

I get what you were saying about whether your life is in harmony with the gospel standards because of things that you’ve done or are doing. In general when I look at my life I feel like I have been able to overcome obstacles and keep on a pretty good path, but there are glaring discrepancies when I compare to the gospel standard. I don’t really know what to think about that yet.

It’s a difficult path, and I get the depression side of it, as I’m going through it right now myself. So I sympathize with your plight, it makes everything look bleak. Yet we trudge on because inwardly we know things will get better even though our minds are telling us the opposite.

It’ll be alright, not without trials of course, I don’t want to paint a Rosey picture, but it will all work out in the end.

[Anonymous]

I’ve not been to BYU, but I can sympathize with how difficult a faith crisis is. I’ve heard the BYU dating scene is a little nuts for non-orthodox believers.

This is completely your question to answer. With your shift in belief, particularly around priesthood authority, do you still view temple marriage as a requirement? I ask because, if not, it opens up a much larger percentage of the population for dating and marriage. You get to decide now whether you will only marry a member, or can be happy marrying someone that isn’t, but shares similar values.

I acknowledge that BYU may still not be the ideal place for that, but you won’t be there forever.

[Anonymous]

While you are figuring those things out, don’t forget some important positives:

1. You are at a good university that will help your future career. Stay focused on those life goals and appreciate where you are at.

2. You have a supportive family. That is a true blessing. Thank them often.

3. Your depression is being dealt with and getting better than it has in the past. That is progress. Remind yourself how good you’re doing in that area.

4. God loves you as you are. The scriptures are full of messages about forgiveness and grace. Let go of the past and learn to forgive, so God can take those burdens from you. You shouldn’t be perfect or near perfect.

5. Work on letting go of pleasing others, or your own perceptions of what others think you should do. Follow your soul. Have faith that things will work out when you move forward with faith and confidence that being your own authentic self is the best way to be, and the rest will work out.

Church is there to help YOU. It is not there for you to break yourself against it while trying to be someone you are not.

dande48 wrote:

There are plenty of people at BYU with all levels of nuance when it comes to the Church.

I second this notion.

If you are thinking about God a certain way, you can almost be 100% sure you are not the only one at BYU with those thoughts. We just are harder on ourselves than we are on others, we give others a lot of slack and assume they have things figured out and are so sure about things. Chances are…they are not very different from you. You just know every detail of what goes on inside your head. It’s an unfair comparison to take that and compare to the external glimpses of others.

Thanks for taking time to post your thoughts. Stick around and share your thoughts with us. I look forward to learning from your posts. I can tell you have much to offer.

[Anonymous]

Everything is fine.

Focus on your studies. Get through the academic hurdles to finish with a degree in hand.

Arrakeen wrote:

I want to find a way to positively contribute in the Church even with different beliefs

If you have a calling and/or pay tithing then you are contributing. If “no” on both of these you may want to find a way to contribute along those lines. If you mean to say that you wish to contribute with your different beliefs then that is a whole different issue and I would advise against it.

Arrakeen wrote:

I’m not sure who would accept me with my changed beliefs and different experiences with the church. I’m also at the age where dating is a concern, not sure how to ever find anyone who I could really be open with about my beliefs and experiences, especially at BYU.

Nobody is completely open. Everyone is trying to put their best foot forward. If I were you I would try to focus on the schoolwork and table the “dating” for later. That being said, if I could go back in time with a message for my younger self it would be that “You have so very much to offer as a potential spouse. You are a “catch”. You are like a “diamond in the rough” (the “rough” being mostly that you are young and lack confidence). The right person will see all of that in you and will tell you that!” I spent too much time worrying about if anyone would love me for me – or if I was even lovable. Those things will come in their season.

Arrakeen wrote:

I’m not sure if “repenting” to a bishop is necessary to be accepted in the community. I no longer really believe in priesthood authority, so for me it’s more a matter of community acceptance and participation than worthiness. I also don’t want to risk my ecclesiastical endorsement, on which hangs a lot of my time and money.

If it was me, this would be another thing that I would wait on until after graduation. Confession can help to let go of the guilt. If you do not feel guilt then I’m not sure what the benefit would be. You can always confess after you graduate. P.S. As a I BYU student I did confess to my student bishop some things that came short of full sexual intercourse. A week or so later I called him to ask if he thought I should stand in the circle of my niece’s baby blessing. He could not remember who I was or what I had confessed to and had to be reminded over the phone. This tells me that either he has a terrible memory or that he receives many such confessions from raging hormone students. I thought that I was unique in my failings. I was probably much more ‘normal’ than I thought.

Arrakeen wrote:

I just feel so alienated at church every Sunday. The talks and lessons are constant reminders of what I once believed in, and how I no longer fit in like I used to. Discussions in classes assume everyone is on the same page with their beliefs, which leaves me feeling left out most of the time.

Yeah, I get that. For me it sometimes helps to put on my observer or anthropologist hat and study in my mind how the religion works, what place it has in the lives of the adherents, and how the ritual and theology adds community, belonging, and meaning. We all tell ourselves stories – what role do the church stories tell?

Arrakeen wrote:

The good news is my family is very supportive, as many of them are fairly unorthodox themselves.

That is truly wonderful. BYU really is a pretty strange environment but it won’t last forever. The world out there (even the Mormon world) really is a much bigger and more diverse place. The life journey is amazing (both hard and wonderful ) and it is worth every penny.

[Anonymous]

Arrakeen wrote:

I’ve been lurking here for a while lately.

Hello fellow lurker! Love the screen name. Assuming it came from Frank Herberts universe, lots of good spiritual/religous nuggets to unpack from his books, especially the Dune series.

Arrakeen wrote:

During my faith crisis, I’ve done some things I probably shouldn’t have. I’m not sure if “repenting” to a bishop is necessary to be accepted in the community. I no longer really believe in priesthood authority, so for me it’s more a matter of community acceptance and participation than worthiness. I also don’t want to risk my ecclesiastical endorsement, on which hangs a lot of my time and money.

I don’t believe nor will I ever believe in confession to a bishop or other lay leader. Leader Roulette is a real thing. I’d suggest this be something you keep between you and god. You don’t need anyone else to tell you when and if your repentance is sincere.

Arrakeen wrote:

I just feel so alienated at church every Sunday. The talks and lessons are constant reminders of what I once believed in, and how I no longer fit in like I used to. Discussions in classes assume everyone is on the same page with their beliefs, which leaves me feeling left out most of the time.

You are not alone. You are NEVER alone. There are people with struggles and similar feelings probably sitting right next to you more than you know. I’ve come to believe that most talks and lessons that are given are what we expect others want to hear. I’m guilty of this. I’m sure others are as well. I try not to judge them for what they say. Even when those things are hurtful to me in my particular circumstances.

My life in this area changed dramatically and in a great way when I served in a young men’s presidency. Up to this point, I had no one in the ward I could point to and call “my friend.” I quickly learned through close contact with those guys that I was not alone. We didn’t have the same issues but I learned that we ALL have issues. As a Mormon culture, we are terrible at talking about them. One of those guys is now my closest confidant. I share most things with him, and he shares with me. Never any judgment. His issues are much different than mine, and wouldn’t be a challenge for me. And vice versa. We strengthen each other, if only when we vent. You need to find a person like this in your life. I know this is easier said than done. But it changed my life. It did take me a number of years to get to this point. It’s not a quick process, but this should’t be.

You will find friends and dating partners who accept you for who and what you are. If they don’t, then they don’t deserve your attention. There might be former friends that have been left by the wayside that you could reconnect with.

As for church attendance, I learned long ago just to “go to my happy place” during those moments where I strongly disagree with what is being taught or discussed. I have been able to mostly let go of the guilt and shame for not being the Mormon standard bearer. My dad, as orthodox as he is, has always said that if nothing else, its a victory when you just show up for church. Don’t worry about the rest. Contribute to the church on your own terms. Don’t let others define what you should be providing to and getting from church. This should be an individualized process, but that fact seems to get lost in the noise of administering a world-wide church. For all the talk of focusing on the “one lost sheep,” this rarely gets done.

Arrakeen wrote:

The good news is my family is very supportive, as many of them are fairly unorthodox themselves. I’m hoping I can find more acceptance here and find ways to participate while remaining authentic (and not get kicked out for perceived apostasy)

What a blessing it is to have a supportive family. I have not come out to mine. But I suspect that they know, and have always known. After all, my first faith crisis came when I was in junior primary and I refused to go to church. 🙄

I hope that some of this will help you. This site helped give me the courage to make positive changes in my life. To be able to accept the church in some form in my life. The people who contribute to this site seem to be very humble, supportive, and most of all, positive. While I can attest that this path is a lonely and uncharitable one, again remember that you are not going through this alone.

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