Utah

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

Goldilocks wrote:

We went to a scripture study series with the 7th day Adventists.

I remember having a conversation with a 7th day Adventist when I was on my mission. I was amazed at the similarities of our religions (can’t remember the details now, of course) and seeing the major distinction being living prophets and the sabbath on different days of the week. Nice guy and we had a good, relaxed conversation over a jug of watermelon juice.

[Anonymous]

So heres my Sunday update. Mostly everything was positive and easy. But a very nice Primary President straight up asked me what callings I was interested in. What is going on here? I can’t remember any wards where I got put on the spot the first time people met me. Usually they waited at least a month to even ask me about callings.I’m really outgoing so I can see how people would meet me and feel comfortable so maybe it’s my fault for not laying low better the first day. I was just trying to be confident and be myself and also get to know some of the neighbors.

I had to think on the spot and come up with an answer to explain myself. I told her I just wanted to be honest that at this time I wasn’t going to accept any callings and I was sorry if that was awkward to say or too blunt. I then took the advice of trying to make sure to highlight our similarities and told her my husband and I were not anti and thought the church was great we just were planning to do other things on Sunday at times and I didn’t want to take a calling when I wasn’t sure I would be coming each week. Then I turned the conversation to some other similarities like the local school and our neighborhood. At the end I mentioned if I show up with my kids I will look for ways I can assist her or her teachers, especially the nursery teacher who will have my daughter. I’m big on not taking advantage of people if I am taking part of something. I think anybody in church would be more willing to accept me for where I’m at as a person if when I’m there I try to make their day a bit easier.

I hadn’t thought about offering my help because I wasn’t sure how I could, it didn’t come to mind until I said it. But it made sense as a great way to help without being “official” and also making my new neighbors feel like I cared about them. I’m feeling really good about this decision.

[Anonymous]

I just did a post on a very similar topic, a book review of Chrisy Ross’s short book called To Mormons, With Love. Her book offers some great advice in situations like yours, and my post gives you the highlights, although I recommend buying and reading her book as it was a quick read and funny. Chrisy is a nondenominational Christian living in Utah County by choice.

http://www.wheatandtares.org/13027/advice-to-mormons-from-a-non-mormon/

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling I’m going to have to face a similar situation. My family is really drilling into me to move to a new Ward. As soon as we move in (if we do), all the Ward leaders will be all over us for a calling. The idea that members are there to staff the church is alive and well, regrettably — in spite of BKP’s admonition in WW training that this is NOT the case.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I was thinking of just going into the BP and HPGL and laying out my cards and where I stand at this point in my life.

I will tell them that i have had some difficult experiences that have altered my commitment for the time being. That I am not anti-church, support my family in it, hope to return to full TR holding status some day. That for the time being, I am committing my time to an organization outside the church that I find fulfilling. I will home teach two families, but would rather not hold a calling, move or do chapel cleaning.

Indicate the best thing they can do to help me progress is let me come forward when I am ready. That they should NOT come between myself and my family members (as one BPric member did a couple years ago). That the best thing they can do for me right now is accept me as a member of the Ward and avoid judgmentalism. Indicate that I have heard all the standard reasons people give to try to convince others to change their Church behavior, so that conversation is unecessary. They they should not try to get information from my wife or children about the current state of my thinking. That the current discussion should suffice.

We do not need a home teacher for the time being, although if they want to assign someone in case there is a legitimate need (unlikely) they may do so. A conversation at church is the level of interaction from home teachers that my family would appreciate at this time — but only if the Ward wants this.

Lay out the cards, set the boundaries, and then live with the consequences. Once you decide you don’t need or want the approval of the official church or its members, this becomes much easier to swallow.

But make sure you have other endeavors in your life to fill the void left behind.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everybody for the great advice and ideas!

I can’t believe it but last night I had another unannounced visit by the RS president and counselor! Have these guys heard of a phone? They came at 7:30 at night and I have little kids who I needed to get to bed. The saving grace of the visit was they did only stay within 15 minutes and said they call their visits standing visits and they don’t sit down. I don’t know if I have the guts to open my front door and turn away somebody just trying to be nice to us. I think next time this happens I will simply ignore the doorbell. If it’s a friend, they would know my number and feel fine to call me and say hey I’m outside I need X,Y,Z.

Another interesting development is I met a nice lady at church with kids and we got together today. I let her know while we were hanging out that we aren’t super active, but we aren’t inactive either. I just wanted her to know I wouldn’t be at church each week, because I’m getting tired of people assuming these things about me here. I’d rather get the initial embarrassment out of the way and if they don’t see me around the ward building thats fine!

[Anonymous]

There are some good comments here about setting boundaries and letting people know what they can and cannot expect from you. I can’t improve on what has been said, except to share an unusual experience with a bishop in SLC.

After being AWOL from the church for 17 years, I felt the urge to attend Church. I did some ward hopping before feeling impressed to contact my resident bishop. I met with him twice, sharing my gripes about Mormondom. He was totally nonjudgmental, and agreed frequently with my critique. Independent from those 2 meetings, I got engaged to a woman who was very active and was a temple worker, but well aware of my feelings about the Church. She told me she would marry me anywhere and by anyone I wanted, but she had just one request: would I talk to this bishop and ask him what it would take to get a temple recommend. I knew she honestly was willing for me to make that decision, so I readily agreed to ask the question.

So on the third meeting, and without ever going to church in that ward, I asked the bishop what it would take. We talked for perhaps 30 – 45 minutes around the subjects covered in the standard interview question. Then he said that he would ask only the standard questions and told me to answer only with a “yes” or “no”. After that he said he would like to take a few moments in silent prayer to seek the Lord’s direction. He then said he felt good about it if I agreed to start attending church and to start wearing G’s again. This was despite the fact that I would be moving out of state and he had no way of monitoring my commitment.

He gave me the contact info for the stake president, and then counseled me to answer with a “yes” or “no”, explaining that the stake president was a by the book accountant who didn’t deal well with ambiguities. I felt those stipulations were reasonable enough, so I agreed to them.

The point is that even in Utah, there are some very compassionate leaders who care more for the person than the program. I can’t tell you how to find them, but they do exist. All I can suggest is to follow your heart, and whatever you decide, don’t trade it for a lifestyle that is worse. Regardless of whether you choose the Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists, Mormon, or agnostic just be the very best person you can be. Christ said the greatest commandment was love God and love your fellow man. Do this well and all other commandments will be covered.

As far as strategies, I suggest you check out meetup.com to find local groups that cover a variety of hobbies and interests. I you like the great out of doors, I suggest the Wasatch Mountain Club, that is mostly in Salt Lake. They were a great way to meet people who are responsible, and accepting of anyone, including lapsed Mormons. Google them up to learn about them.

[Anonymous]

Goldilocks wrote:

So heres my Sunday update. Mostly everything was positive and easy. But a very nice Primary President straight up asked me what callings I was interested in. What is going on here?

When I read that I thought you were going to go in a different direction… I know I’ve never been asked what callings I was interested in, you just get what you get. Sometimes it’s a Brother Doe moved out, Brother Nibbler moved in; Brother Nibbler gets Brother Doe’s calling. Most of the time I think it’s Brother Nibbler has a friend in a calling that requires them to staff other callings… Brother Nibbler is going to be called by his friend very soon. Sometimes I think it can be a decision that is prayerfully considered. Never does someone get asked what they’d like to do :eh: at least my experience.

Goldilocks wrote:

They also went on and on about the family that lived in the house before us as if they expect us to take over as replacements. They even told me I looked just like the woman, not a dead ringer but close. (?!)

I don’t know that I’d read too much into that. Probably just an attempt at smalltalk or maybe they thought you’d be curious about who lived in your house before you.

It sounds like you are comfortable with being open and honest with people. That’s a good thing that I hope others around you can respect. I know I do.

[Anonymous]

You are so right about the church in Utah. They come over anytime they want dinnertime and even bedtime.

I agree about meeting friends through meet up. The people in those group want to be friends and want to get together. You can’t go wrong with meet up groups to find friends with the same interests that you have. I lived in Utah a long time before I learned about meet ups. Some of my best friends I have meet through meets up. It is a group open to everyone. Another good group is new comers.

[Anonymous]

There is a good chance I will end up moving to Utah relatively soon. It’s okay. I was raised there and know how to say unorthodox things in orthodox ways.

I probably will find out if that is correct.

[Author]

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