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I am still really new to this, so probably this issue has already been discussed, but I couldn’t find it. As I am going through my faith crisis, I feel like I need some time to lick my wounds, so to speak, and take a step back from many of the ward’s expectations of me. One of those things is Visiting Teaching. I have never felt good about the VT program, even when I was a TBM, which I can’t believe I am admitting to in writing! :shh: I feel like that makes me an unloving, un-Christ-like person, but VT has always felt forced, insincere and almost intrusive to me. I know that there are some people who have fantastic experiences, but I am definitely not one of them. Of all the great relationships I have formed in the church, none of them came as a result of VT. Not one. Not only have I never enjoyed doing my VT, but I have never enjoyed being visited. It is not that I am anti-social, but I am anti-forced-relationships. To have two women (with whom I don’t otherwise have a relationship) come over and take up some of my precious free time, giving me a message that I have likely already read, has always felt like a pointless waste of time.The whole program has always felt like: “Here is a name. Now go be their friend, even if they don’t want you to.” I have zero desire to do any VT, not just because I feel like I don’t have anything to offer as far as a testimony to share right now, but because the people on my list are inactive and not interested in a visit. I respect their right to not be active in the church and to just be left alone. They know where the church is and how to get there, but they have chosen not to participate, which I see as a valid life choice. I don’t feel like it is my job to show up unannounced every month and intrude on their life just because the RS president assigned me to. I work full-time and have 3 kids and a husband who need my time and attention, which is about all I can manage right now. I barely have time to see my friends (who I do try to support and serve) much less people who could not care less if I come or not.
I could rant on some more about all the reasons I don’t like the VT program, but instead I’ll just ask, Has anyone figured out a way to approach this? I definitely do not want to out myself to my RS president as being in a faith crisis, but at some point she is going to wonder why it has been months since I have done any VT. I have no intention of doing it at this point in my life. I am so tired of doing things just to maintain appearances.
How can I tell her this without outing myself and making myself the next topic in ward council?I feel much like you do. I think the biggest problem with HT/VT is that we’re assigned to be someone’s friend. We’re assigned to “go love someone.” I know we don’t always get to choose who we love, but I like to as much as possible. The easiest short term out is to just continue not doing it while trying to let go of the guilt. But you’re right, eventually someone will probably ask. You can just wait until you come to the bridge before you cross it, but I think for me the approach will be the same. The real reason I don’t HT is because I don’t feel like it (at least for some of the reasons you mention). You can soften the blow though with language like “I’m really feeling stressed out and overwhelmed right now and just don’t feel like I can do it” (or “I can’t do it right now”). That might work depending on the person you’re dealing with. I once did take the more direct approach and just ask directly to be removed from the program, and after getting a phone call the next month asking of I had visited anyone got very stern with the bishop (I got no further phone calls). Depending on the leader you might find a lot of resistance to be “released” as a VT because it’s not a calling. If it’s something you really want you might just have to stand your ground – but you are not obligated to give anybody a reason why because in the end you are a volunteer.
I have not gone home teaching in a long time. Perhaps women are better at VT than men are at HT but from my experience you would not stand out from the crowd by simply not doing it. Not doing it seems to pretty much be the norm. I have contacted the people on my list to give them a name and a face should they ever need anything from the church.
I have not seen any need to ask to be released.
I meant to say earlier that you could also ask for a route that only has mail contact or something like that. Dropping a cute card or a short note takes less time and effort and still gets the job done per Elder Holland’s “count everything.” Thank you, my new online friends, for the helpful feedback. I especially needed to hear: Quote:you might just have to stand your ground – but you are not obligated to give anybody a reason why because in the end you are a volunteer.
And the perspective that:
Quote:you would not stand out from the crowd by simply not doing it. Not doing it seems to pretty much be the norm.
Thanks. I really do need to get better at not being so approval oriented and remember that I make the decisions for my life, not the church. I need to get stronger in the face of so many guilting lessons and messages.
Jerseygirl wrote:How can I tell her this without outing myself and making myself the next topic in ward council?[/color]
I would suggest this approach….come to your own understanding, as I have, of visiting teaching and home teaching. I see the home teaching organization as a buffer between overworked Bishops and the needs of the ward.
So, I would embrace your VT assignment, but view it as an “on call – as needed” assignment. View it as the buffer between overworked Ward leaders and the women to whom you are assigned.
When there is a legitimate need for your service (someone is sick, needs help), then you are the go-to person. You will help them in times of legitimate need. But you won’t be paying any visits when there isn’t need. Or if you do have visits, you drop off a note or something at their door once every other month. Just enough that you are viewed as a viable resource in the event of actual need, to both leaders and the members you VT.
You can do this without talking to anyone about your true feelings, and if you only have two people to visit (and preferably, no companion), that is far less of a burden than the eight assigned people I once had. You can quietly do VT as you see its purpose, and not have to tell anyone you are in faith crisis.
Plus, when there is legitimate need, you can provide service. There is something valuable in that — when there is legitimate need.
My advice is to not raise too much attention by asking to be released. Simply stop doing it for a while, like most people. Dealing with the guilt and shame when people ask for updates and reports is something to work through, and know you can be ok to just say “I didn’t do it.” Sometimes we put that guilt and shame on ourselves and stress about it. That is something we can control. We can come to a peaceful place, that God knows our hearts…he knows we can’t do it right now…and that is OK. So others should be OK with it too…we can’t do things to please others at the expense of our peace or our family. Family first. Keep telling yourself that the church is there to help you and your family come closer to God. The church is there for you. Not your purpose is to be there for the church.
All the programs and good ideas of other people (like VT programs, as divinely inspired as they may be for the masses), may simply not be what you need right now.
I like the advice DJ and SD gave about the focus, and not forcing it.
Perhaps, you can find ways to be friends with others in the ward, make social visits, give random acts of kindness, do service…that is what is important and makes you feel good. When you can. The structured monthly visits with lessons and prayers and structure is there to guide people on what to do and how…but it is limited. The real thing to focus on is how to love other people. But you can do it in many ways..and it feels better when doing it outside some forced organizational process.
Drop the structure and programs. Focus on the gospel and things of the heart. I think you can find the fears of shame and guilt can melt away when we look at it correctly. And that is what is most important in becoming the person God wants us to become.
The principle of HT/VT is wonderful and central to the Gospel: Taking care of each other in the body of Christ. When it becomes an assigned program it gets all kinds of wonky.
So, I would suggest writing to the people on your list – or calling them on the phone and asking how they are doing – or sending an email – or any other simple, easy way to reach out. If you don’t want to do that, I would suggest picking 2-3 members in the ward whom you would like to get to know better and inviting them to dinner or games or something.
The key to me is friendship and community. Some people need structure for that; others don’t.
It was after joining this site that I began to do HT again. I found ways to like doing it. I have 2 couples that live in nursing homes. They always seem to enjoy seeing me. They say they do anyways.
If you decide to do it, find ways that make it enjoyable for you. Don’t concentration on the numbers.
Another thought I had on this is that you can come to realize a cafeteria style approach to the church is not only doing all things in wisdom and order to not run faster than strength, but it is also always practiced by all members. Nobody can do all things. So there are times in life we choose wisely from the buffet what we need, and leave the rest behind. My brother was a bishop, and his wife has always been super diligent and committed. But I asked her one day if she does family history…she just said it isn’t her season for that right now. And that is totally ok and logical, she didn’t have the capacity to do more than she was doing. Not everything is our season all the time, even if it becomes a pet issue for the local leader or stake leader trying to boost numbers.
All things in wisdom and order.
Heber13 wrote:My brother was a bishop, and his wife has always been super diligent and committed. But I asked her one day if she does family history…she just said it isn’t her season for that right now. And that is totally ok and logical, she didn’t have the capacity to do more than she was doing. Not everything is our season all the time, even if it becomes a pet issue for the local leader or stake leader trying to boost numbers.
All things in wisdom and order.
I had a SP once who believed in this idea of seasons and tied it to the three missions of the church. Younger people were more focused on teaching the gospel (missions and young families) and middle people more focused on strengthening the membership (again teaching families and in holding big callings) and older people were more temple focused. It’s not like he never talked about family history or discouraged younger people from doing family history or older people from participating in service. But he did seem to understand that our interests and focus does tend to be different depending on our ages and circumstances.
One idea that comes to my mind – Is there anyone on your list who you could feel genuine in helping? If there is, you could just say that you need to cut back on commitments, but you’d really like to continue with so-and-so. For me so much of the “crisis” is about drawing boundaries. It might turn out that I draw myself right into detaching, but not so far. Maybe we really can just do what we are comfortable with more often. Next ward I move into I’ll probably tell them I’m fine visiting teaching, but that as a general rule that means every other month for me. Then they can call me … or not.
Ann wrote:For me so much of the “crisis” is about drawing boundaries. It might turn out that I draw myself right into detaching, but not so far. Maybe we really can just do what we are comfortable with more often. Next ward I move into I’ll probably tell them I’m fine visiting teaching, but that as a general rule that means every other month for me. Then they can call me … or not.
Well said. Sometimes we give, and give, and give and want to keep doing things and then we hit a place where it seems we’ve given so much it is out of balance but don’t k ow how to pull it back without feeling like we are being selfish or slothful…which isn’t the case.Boundaries are about becoming mature enough to pull back and focus on what our family, and our own souls, really need.
As we often say…”trade up”. Substitute focus at home on our family and our personal peace instead of visiting teaching and things at church “others” think we should do. Don’t look at that as you want to stop being mormon, just stop the dumb stuff.
Seek peace. Keep peeling back layers of church stuff that aren’t bringing blessings, to allow you to focus on the core that is meaningful.
I have not done home teaching in awhile and I also told my Home Teachers not to come since after a year they are not my friends, are insencere and I would rather them not waste my time. I’m waiting for a new EQP before I resume my HT, one of my HT families went holier than thou on me and I butt heads with him and the other family is less active and I don’t blame them for being that way since I want to go inactive. Just stop home teaching; stop doing it, and enjoy life. Do it if you feel like you need to or want to, but I haven’t done my HT in awhile. I might drop of some “gift” for Christmas just to remind them that I am their HT family and if they need anything they can give me a call. That is my attitude about it.
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