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I used to say that I “struggled” with the church, but about 5 years ago I started to see it differently. After a lifetime of fundamentally not believing and battling an internal conflict, I started to allow myself to look at life and the meaning of things differently. I started to gain a spiritual connection outside of the framework of the church and feel like I finally received inspiration. As soon as I allowed my self to think and feel through my personal journey I had an awaking and confirmation that I was OK and that it was OK to not have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I felt free. The dilemma then came as to how to proceed forward with my participation in the church. This would be an easy decision if it was just about me, but I had two boys approaching priesthood age and two younger children. Because we live in the heart of Utah this was a very difficult decision for me. I have a very supportive husband who completely understands me and has doubts himself. We have common goals and commitment to our family and want to raise our kids as honest, moral, upright people with a desire to achieve their personal best. We decided that it would be social suicide to leave the church at that time and I felt I would be setting our children up for problems they didn’t need. I didn’t want judgement placed on them or have them be labeled or ousted from certain social situations.
The problem I have now is that as my children get older in the church I am watching them be taught things that I fundamentally do not believe and do not want them taking on the pressure that comes with believing that way. I don’t mind if they gain a testimony of ANY church if it gives them the tools they need to live a fulfilled life. But I now feel their judgement on me for not doing or being exactly as they are taught. We do not have a structured family night every Monday, we do not read our scriptures like everyone else in their class professes to do, we do not have regular family prayer, we play outside together on Sunday, and like to go out for a family meal on an occasional Sunday. I am wondering if it is hard for them to see that the rules and goals we have for our family are just as good and we have as much integrity as any other family. This judgement is killing me. It makes me want to share with them my true feelings about the church, but I do not want to confuse them. I want to be authentic, but to be so, completely so, would require me to stop pretending…to everyone. I worry about the effect this will have on my kids.
I would love some unbiased input. Am I worrying about it too much? Do I just proceed forward the same? Or will it prove to be doing more harm than good? In my mind I have 2 choices: continue with casually attending and risk having my kids judge me or selfishly breaking free of this burden and risk completely disrupting my children’s lives. In the end, I just want them to see that I love them more than anything and only want what will lead them to happiness.
It is so painful.
Jwald and I have not been active in the church for 2 years. Our kids know. We are totally open and honest about our feelings towards the church…and the gods. I know what you mean about being scared. We were frightened, but I can say that it’s been pleasantly surprising about how our kids have develop spiritually…. They are moral and ethical and they have not gone off the deep end like so many lbs faithful believe happens when one aposticizes from the church.
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How much do your children enjoy church? If a lot, you could get someone else to take them, that happens a lot here.
If not, then not such a problem.
Welcome. I would suggest going through the introductions section and reading them. You’ll find a lot of similar stories and a lot of comments and suggestions that apply to your situation.
Authenticity wrote:I used to say that I “struggled” with the church, but about 5 years ago I started to see it differently. After a lifetime of fundamentally not believing and battling an internal conflict, I started to allow myself to look at life and the meaning of things differently. I started to gain a spiritual connection outside of the framework of the church and feel like I finally received inspiration. As soon as I allowed my self to think and feel through my personal journey I had an awaking and confirmation that I was OK and that it was OK to not have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I felt free.
The dilemma then came as to how to proceed forward with my participation in the church. This would be an easy decision if it was just about me, but I had two boys approaching priesthood age and two younger children. Because we live in the heart of Utah this was a very difficult decision for me. I have a very supportive husband who completely understands me and has doubts himself. We have common goals and commitment to our family and want to raise our kids as honest, moral, upright people with a desire to achieve their personal best. We decided that it would be social suicide to leave the church at that time and I felt I would be setting our children up for problems they didn’t need. I didn’t want judgement placed on them or have them be labeled or ousted from certain social situations.
The problem I have now is that as my children get older in the church I am watching them be taught things that I fundamentally do not believe and do not want them taking on the pressure that comes with believing that way. I don’t mind if they gain a testimony of ANY church if it gives them the tools they need to live a fulfilled life. But I now feel their judgement on me for not doing or being exactly as they are taught. We do not have a structured family night every Monday, we do not read our scriptures like everyone else in their class professes to do, we do not have regular family prayer, we play outside together on Sunday, and like to go out for a family meal on an occasional Sunday. I am wondering if it is hard for them to see that the rules and goals we have for our family are just as good and we have as much integrity as any other family. This judgement is killing me. It makes me want to share with them my true feelings about the church, but I do not want to confuse them. I want to be authentic, but to be so, completely so, would require me to stop pretending…to everyone. I worry about the effect this will have on my kids.
I would love some unbiased input. Am I worrying about it too much? Do I just proceed forward the same? Or will it prove to be doing more harm than good? In my mind I have 2 choices: continue with casually attending and risk having my kids judge me or selfishly breaking free of this burden and risk completely disrupting my children’s lives. In the end, I just want them to see that I love them more than anything and only want what will lead them to happiness.
It is so painful.
Hi Authenticity,I can relate a lot with you – similar situation.
Unless I moved to another state, I think completely disconnecting from the church would hurt more than help.
But there are ways to maintain boundaries – kindof a compromise.
Every chance I get, I reteach things, and sometimes help my children unlearn cognitive distortion that they’ve picked up in church.
At times, my oldest seems to be rebelling from me by choosing the church’s teachings over what I say, but I know I’ve sown some critical thinking skills.
We also changed wards – to one that is much more spiritually focused – which has helped a lot.
I repeatedly tell them that there are a lot of good things about the church, but there are also some bad things, so we want to take the good and leave the bad.
Also, I don’t stress about them attending church – if they’re faking being sick, I let them stay home – & even sometimes enjoy the day with them (whereas with school, I won’t let them get away with it.
😆 )I explain to them that the priesthood is a way to learn to love better – & that is what it should be focused on, so I’ve also let them know I don’t want them going around collecting money from members, but my DH doesn’t honor what I’d prefer.
It’s not easy! Good luck to all of us in similar situations!
I was also going to ask you how old your children are, if that’s alright. Wow, I could have written this post. I also live in Utah and feel the same way. My own daughter didn’t want to play with my best friends son b/c he didn’t go to church anymore. GASP. I almost fell out my chair!! My brother, who isn’t LDS anymore ,lived with us for two years and she knows I don’t care if he goes to church or not. Apparently she is hearing conflicting things at church and at home and that worries me… I also know that at age 8 is when the need to be obedient kicks in and she is seeing black and white. Have you made any decisions?
My 12 year old doesn’t love church and I let him stay home when he really doesn’t want to. I stay home when I really don’t want to. My husband doesn’t agree. He just made him go to scout camp. arghhh I know I need balance because I am leaning on the other side of the pendulum of free agency and maybe a little rebellion if I am to be honest.
My 8 year old is an angel on the earth and wants everything good and lovely. She is ALL over this church thing and even talks me into going when I don’t want to go.
My 4 year old HATES church. Can you blame him?
I know what the LDS culture does to people around here.It is pretty brutal. I also want them to take the good things and leave the bad but I fear it is going to cause more confusion. I am sure they hear me talking about my confusion. …. I hope to come from a place of love and not fear in dealing with all of the confusion.
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