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Sorry about the novel: Looking back over my 69 years, I see more things that went wrong than right. When I was in High School I was deathly afraid of girls and I let some great opportunities go (What happens when your mother tells you girls are evil and I should wait until I was married in the temple). I went on a mission I didn’t want to go on and hated most of it. When I returned I made a long series of bad choices choosing the wrong females (Nothing like having the girl you think is your girlfriend tell you she is pregnant and is marrying the father, her ex-boyfriend). She contacted me a couple of years later and wanted to get back together. And when I did find good girls I ended up screwing up and letting them go. A couple of them that I know about are happily married with kids, which I am happy for them. If they had stayed with me I know I would have totally screwed up their lives.
I finally got tired of being alone and having totally screwed up relationships and I made the mistake of marrying a girl I met when I was in AF Tech school, she was 15 at the time and fell madly in love with me (or so she says). We got married right after she turned 17 and she had our first child when she turned 18. She wanted to get away from her home and I was tired of being alone, not exactly a good reason for marriage. She is a member of the church and so my mother didn’t totally hate her although they fought like cats and dogs (I think my mother reminded her of her parents.) I didn’t love her, I liked her but that was it. I think this is part of her problems, she had terrible depression and spent most of her time in bed or on the couch and refused to do any housework (She didn’t work outside the home..and she sure didn’t work inside the home.) With each kid she packed on at least a 100 pounds and we had 4. (Yeah I know I am shallow). I was a lousy father; my adopted father never had a father to speak of, his dad was an alcoholic and was never home. His mother left his father and took the sister so the 3 boys basically raised themselves. My dad hopped a freight at 14 and went to work on cattle ranches. The only dealings I had with him was when we were working together. So I totally screwed up my kids. I stuck with her for 18 years before I couldn’t take it any longer and got a divorce, or as I like to say I got a Harley for my wife, best trade I ever made.
After the divorce, I went though a series of dysfunctional women, a girl who relapsed and Overdosed in my bed (Nothing like waking up next to a corpse). A 19 year old Bi witch (she was very cool and got me into alternative music. She finally broke it off, the 20 year age difference was to much, not to mention she ran off with her lesbian lover. (You haven’t lived until you go to a Gay Club Halloween Party, she was a Dom, I was her sub). A woman with multiple personalities (the wild girl was awesome, the little kid and the guy not so much). Then I met a woman and we were together for a couple of years before she came in and told me she found someone at work and was going to live with him but wanted me to wait for her in case it didn’t work out. And then there was the Tranny (who at least had the operation to become a woman), there was a bunch more but those are the most memorable ones. It seems like I could walk into a room and immediately be drawn to the most “Psycho B***h from Hell” there. I found one woman online and we got a long pretty well she was into the Macabre and so was I. However she broke it off a couple of years later when she told me she had thought her ex-husband was the coldest most unemotional a-hole she had ever known until she met me. I finally found a woman online that seemed semi-normal (she still has her days). We lived together for a while and finally got married so she would have insurance and have been together for 10 years now. She actually joined the church a couple of years ago when the missionaries tracked me down. So far we haven’t killed each other so I guess that is a plus. Like my first wife, I don’t really love her, but I am comfortable with her and I fake it pretty well. That is the sick sad story of my love life for the most part.
Now other mistakes in my life. Back when I joined the Air Force I made a big mistake and listened to my Recruiter who got me stuck in a career I hated for 15 years. I finally cross trained into another and it wasn’t to bad, at least I worked days and had holidays off. Other mistakes were the vehicles I bought. Seems like I always bought someone else’s problems and went through a steady stream of cars all the way up till now. My current vehicle has 300K miles and although I am babying it, I expect it to explode at any second. I mentioned I bought a Harley, the first new vehicle I had ever owned. Well after a couple of years it had transmission trouble and all the bikers I rode with told me to take it to this one shop. The guy had been in business for 15 years or so and did great work for a great price. So I took it to him, I also asked for a little engine modification for more HP. Well after about a week, the shop was closed up. I went through hell trying to find out where my bike was. I finally got most of it back in boxes. The guy had ended up going to jail and then prison right after I took my bike to him. My whole life has been like that, even with the best intentions, whatever I do or whatever decision I make ends up bad. And to top it all off, health wise I end up with depression, meds that made me gain weight, low testosterone and ED, bad knees (had one replaced and one to go) and who only knows what else… I would gladly change lives with anyone, even the poor schmuck living under a bridge. That pretty much covers why I hate life and feel like my life is nothing but mistakes. I left off a bunch of other bad stuff but you get the main idea.
I have no faith in god because I think he hates me from before I was born…
That was long alright! I did read very word though. I guess the simple answer to the title question is to make better choices. You clearly admit you’ve made some doozies and take responsibility for them (a little TMI in the history with women part, but you kept it close to PG
Quote:I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
Sounds like you have too, and maybe now is one of those times when it’s hard to find a friend.
If you’ve read much of what I say, you know I lean Deist. For the most part I believe God created the world, set it spinning, and let it go with little to no interaction. I see how people who subscribe more to the LDS idea of a God involved in all aspects of our lives could feel as though they are abandoned or unloved by God – I have been there myself.
Have you considered professional counseling?
I know the female part was a bit much, but I was trying to express how it seems I am drawn to the most toxic females I can find. Trust me it is a lot worse, I NC-17’d it and left a lot off. I understand my problems with women and have accepted that when it comes to them, I would do better living as a Hermit in a cave on a mountain top. What I just cannot under stand is how I end up making the mistakes I do when I try to do something no matter how good my intentions are. How can I make better choices when I examine the situation to death and take what looks like the best choice and feel good making the decision and then have it totally FUBAR right in front of me. Counseling is one of the many bad choices I have made. If I tell what I am feeling and thinking I have ended up in a one way ride to a psych ward (and I don’t think it is anything that bad but apparently they do) and if I don’t tell them, then they cannot help me. Kind of a catch 22 situation.
For a long time I was more or less OK with my life, I knew it sucked but I could tolerate it. Now that I am older, I look back on my life and see all the mistakes and all the opportunities I have missed and it makes me quite depressed. (I am on anti-depressants). I find myself wishing I could go back and relive my life, but know what I know now. I would be a totally different person because I would know what to avoid and I could be in a totally different place than I am now.
Thanks for the reply…
Gomezaddams51 wrote:
For a long time I was more or less OK with my life, I knew it sucked but I could tolerate it. Now that I am older, I look back on my life and see all the mistakes and all the opportunities I have missed and it makes me quite depressed. (I am on anti-depressants). I find myself wishing I could go back and relive my life, but know what I know now. I would be a totally different person because I would know what to avoid and I could be in a totally different place than I am now.
If you could go back and do it over again you might end up making different mistakes. I think the concept of reincarnation is interesting because it provides a hypothetical opportunity for us to go through life as many times as is needed, learning and growing each time. It sounds like you have learned from some of your mistakes and consider yourself wise enough to avoid repeating them. That is good, that is progress. You have grown and can continue to grow in the time that you have left.
your mileage may vary.
Gomezaddams51 wrote:
I find myself wishing I could go back and relive my life, but know what I know now. I would be a totally different person because I would know what to avoid and I could be in a totally different place than I am now.I bet many people have thought the same thing, I know I have. I’ve even postulated to myself that knowing what I know now I wouldn’t have joined the church in the first place. Since you were just a kid you had less choice. That said, I think life is about our experiences – good and bad. What I don’t know is exactly how this applies to eternity.
Our mission here is to help those who wish to StayLDS do so while also recognizing that for some that won’t really be a possibility. How can we help you StayLDS? We can’t do therapy, so we can’t really help you with your life issues.
Well for a long time I had no desire to stay in the church. However since my wife loves going and I feel I must support her, I am trying to get back in it. When I was a a kid I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Now that I am older, as my dad used to say, time to start cramming for my finals, and so at age 69 I am trying to stop pretending and actually get back into the church. It is hard to break through those old feelings that I have had for all these years. So, I guess I have returned to what I was taught when I was young. The hard part is feeling it.
Sometimes people never really feel, at least not in this life. I think this is especially true for those of us who doubt our feelings as related to the Spirit. I can’t say I feel much and have not for a long time. There are more people than will admit it in this same boat. I don’t think anyone can help anyone else feel it. FWIW, I also don’t think it has anything to do with the LDS concept of “worthiness.” I don’t go to church because I “know”anything. I do choose to believe some things though. Thanks for the reply. My mind is spinning and I am not sure what I believe. Sometimes I feel like I might have a tiny grasp or glimpse of something and then it is gone… Arrgh… Gomezaddams51 wrote:
Thanks for the reply. My mind is spinning and I am not sure what I believe. Sometimes I feel like I might have a tiny grasp or glimpse of something and then it is gone… Arrgh…
It sounds like you might want to start where most things start – at the beginning. I think you need to figure out what
youbelieve, not what you think you’re supposed to believe or someone else wants you to believe. In my own journey when I came to the fork in the road I decided that I did believe there is a God (Creator). I do not believe in the God that is intimately involved in our everyday lives and finds our lost car keys, and I don’t need to. I can affirmatively answer the question “Do you believe in God…?” I like to liken the rebuilding of my faith to a building that came crashing down in my faith crisis. I reuse some of the old building, there are new pieces to the building that weren’t there before, there are pieces that are still part of the rubble that I haven’t figure out yet, and there are pieces that are not part of the new building and will likely remain in the pile of rubble or eventually get carted off. That’s kind of a long way to say what I said in the first sentence – you should probably start at the beginning. Thanks for the reply I will try and do as you say. I feel like there is something out there, more like “The Force” in Star Wars than perhaps an actual “being”. Although for some reason I feel drawn to either naturism or perhaps to one of the old Pagan religions. It is hard to reconcile it all together. Unfortunately, i feel that if I tell people in the church I think like that, it will cause all sorts of problems because they will have the missionaries camped out in my living room. I play Dungeon and Dragons, (Not sure you know what that is) and in the game, the “deities” answer prayers if you are lucky and roll right… In the game, the gods actually do something. It kind of made me wish that our diety or whatever would answer if by some cosmic chance we rolled a 20 in our prayers. LOL
Another thing I always disagreed with the church was the so called plan of salvation. Eternity is infinite and yet, if you imagine eternity as a long never ending line, we are only here on earth for a tiny, microscopic pinpoint of time, and yet, that whole tiny pinpoint is what we are judged on and sent to “Heaven” or “Hell” (or the church equivalent.). I just cannot see our progression stopping where we are judged and sentenced to the “lower” Kingdoms. To me, something like re-incarnation is a much better thing. You keep trying until you finally reach perfection.
Anyway thanks for the reply again….
It has been a long time since I’ve felt that “everything I do is wrong”. There are similar issues: . personal issues I’m facing with my wife.
. personal health issues that I seem to face on my own.
. issues where I feel negative emotions over a prolonged period to time. eg. anger.
To name a few.
The solution is always the same: talk to a friend. I did it yesterday.
I have a number of “go to” friends that I know & trust. In return, they can rely on me as well.
I choose to interpret lots of things symbolically rather than literally. I like the idea that, broadly speaking, there are three general types of people: serial law breakers, serial law followers, and those between the extremes. I like the idea that even serial law breakers can change (“repent”) and move through a process toward wholeness, completion, and full development (“perfection”). I like the idea that people will live eternally and that progression occurs throughout “time and all eternity”. I like the Mormon concept of multiple, radically different lives (intelligence, spirit, mortal, spirit, resurrected being, etc.). I like the idea that our future is influenced by our present – that who we become matters.
If I take all of the “details” as symbolic, I can focus on the general process of personal growth and “becoming” – and I can choose to see God as a gracious and patient Father figure (“God is love.”), rather than a vengeful taskmaster.
Minyan Man wrote:
It has been a long time since I’ve felt that “everything I do is wrong”. There are similar issues:. personal issues I’m facing with my wife.
. personal health issues that I seem to face on my own.
. issues where I feel negative emotions over a prolonged period to time. eg. anger.
To name a few.
The solution is always the same: talk to a friend. I did it yesterday.
I have a number of “go to” friends that I know & trust. In return, they can rely on me as well.
The danger with looking backwards in the past and labeling it “all bad” is that it is all in your head, and the thoughts then drive meaning or identity now in an unfair and harsh way. It isn’t reality, it is all tied to ego and thought, and there is nothing “real” about it that allows you to do anything about it or change it…it is simply thought.
Frued and Jung often looked at a person’s past and the formative years of life, and found the trauma that would explain a person’s problems. Adlerian psychology has a different take, and is more driven by what a person chooses to do in society now and going forward, regardless of the past, in fact adamantly denies trauma of the past. This can help a person avoid getting stuck in the past, and accepts what is, and looks forward to what is possible today.
It is highly unlikely everything a person has done in the past was wrong. However, you can believe that if they choose to, and you go searching for biased facts to support that assertion.
There is also the opposite danger of pride if one goes the opposite extreme and things everything they do is right and is superior to others.
The truth is likely in the middle. Some mistakes, and did things wrong, while also doing things right and learning.
Regardless, you are where you are today. What do you want to choose to do going forward? If you choose to believe rolling 20s will help, it will likely help. There is power in positive thoughts that move a person to acting towards what Curt described as becoming what God wants us to become. Religion can give us these motivations. OR you can find it in other things, like nature, or education, or counseling.
No matter your age, the journey ahead continues, and you can choose today what you wish to do with the time before you.
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