What I Miss the Most

[Anonymous]

I had a really close relationship with the church and loved being a part of it. I miss that security of “knowing”! I felt like I was okay in God’s eyes all of the time because I trusted that relationship. My FC has caused me all sorts of insecurities, distance from a heavenly friendship, and a knowledge that I was going to end up in this celestial place of peace and joy. I miss ignorance. I really miss all of this.

[Anonymous]

I have finally come to a place of peace and acceptance about where I am. It is also in my personality tendencies to not miss (sometimes even disregard, to my detriment) the past and where I came from. However, I will say that I don’t miss feeling like I’m grasping at everything all the time. During the worst parts of my transition I felt like my very insides were trying to reach out and grasp at something…anything.

I do miss having “all the answers,” though. I love the idea that I have lots of control in my life, so the security of having it all, even if I wasn’t versed in all of it, was especially tantalizing. There’s just a certain sense of security that I felt when I thought I had a specific, set, thorough place to go to for anything I needed. Can’t figure out what college to go to? Read the BoM. Can’t figure out who to date? BoM. Not sure if you should take that job? BoM, tithing, and fasting. Even though those answers didn’t really work for me, it was nice being told over and over where to go.

I also miss some of the repetition, ironically. When I was really into and devoted to the church, the repetition bothered me. Now, after being gone for 8 months, I realize that quite a few of those things that were taught all the time (expect to run into trials, you have a place for answers, you are loved, etc) hardly cross my mind anymore. It’s hard to do all of the work yourself! Or at least to take on more responsibility for it. It’s really awesome to be spoon-fed, but once you realize you have your own arms and hands, it becomes something entirely different.

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