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I think being an active 19-21 year old male and not serve a mission is very difficult. I have a friend going through this right now. I heard that there was a time when the Church needed less missionaries (less growth, not so many branches, mission presidents) so for a time of a mission was change to 18 months. The church realized that missionaries were most effective their last year, specifically the last 6 months, so the time was changed back to 24 months. There was a conference the talk a while back about raising the bar for missionaries. And since that time, less missionaries have entered the MTC. Is this the same, the church is happy to have less missionaries serve but they cant openly admit it because then no one would serve? I served a mission and in my experience, it is best if only those who want to serve a mission serve and those who dont want to go on a mission absolutely shouldn’t. It was about 20% of the missionaries that cause 90% of the grief for my Mission President. Of course without the peer pressure and the fear that no female will date you with the RM title, how many males would actually go?
I am seeing this situation right now, my friend is 20 active and attending his ward each week and he absolutely doesn’t want to go on a mission. Part of it is that knocking doors is absolutely contrary to his personality, he knows he can’t knock doors for 2 years. I don’t think it is wise for him to get into the particulars but Bishop, SP and other members find ways to create and ambush and corner him. He really does want to stay LDS, it’s hard not to see it as an ultimatium and it is hard to not get angry and feel like a second class citizen. Any advice on navigating the situation?
I was called for 18 months and was in the MTC when missions were changed back to 24 months. We had the choice to go any number of months between 18 and 24. It was specifically because the last months were the most effective for all missionaries, but especially those speaking a foreign language. When the new standards for missionary service were introduced (“raising the bar”), non-full-time, local options also were encouraged for those who –
for WHATEVER reasons– could not serve a traditional full-time mission. Your friend’s situation sounds like exactly such a case. My advice would be to talk with his local leaders explicitly about what other options are available within the post raise the bar parameters – and if none are presented (if he is told it is all-or-nothing), that he contact his Area Presidency and explain his situation to someone at that level. Exceptions have been articulated to the expectation to serve a traditional mission, and one of those exceptions is mental health. If your friend truly desires to serve in some way (which, imo, is the real barometer) and isn’t just looking for reasons not to serve (i.e., isn’t just being selfish), he needs to articulate that desire to someone – making it a positive (“I really want to serve.”) rather than a negative (“I don’t want to serve a mission.”). To clarify, he really doesn’t want to proselytize or serve any type of mission. Staying active at age 20 it is getting more difficult because he has been made a project by many. He would like to be the active LDS boy who never served a mission of any type. I think the hardest thing a LDS male could do, would be to not go on a mission because of peer pressure and to stay active. Frankly I think it takes more maturity than I had at age 20. I guess this is an interesting point, I saw it as staying true to yourself, knowing that you never wanted to go a mission, that it wouldn’t bring you happiness not as being selfish. I served a mission and loved it, I am also female so this wasn’t mandatory. IMHO opinion the best thing that could happen to missions is if only those who want to go, went on a mission and he doesn’t want to go. But is this really possible? Will he be a second class citizen? Except for Steve Young, who can get away with this?
Quote:IMHO opinion the best thing that could happen to missions is if only those who want to go, went on a mission and he doesn’t want to go. But is this really possible? Will he be a second class citizen? Except for Steve Young, who can get away with this?
Fwiw, my own brother and at least a couple of dozen friends of mine growing up. He just has to accept the fact that his choice won’t please people and let it roll. There really isn’t any other answer – even as I wish people would drop it and let him worship “how, when or what” he may.
There was some interesting information shared at a conference in our stake, that since the bar was raised, the number of missionaries serving in the church is down (by ~10%), and at the same time, the amount coming home early is way up (which means that the % going home has REALLY increased). So, why are they coming home (if they are worthy when they go out)? It’s mostly because the kids going out these days have never been away from home before, they don’t know how to take care of themselves, and they lack emotional resilience – thanks to the helicopter parenting of this generation. Oddly enough, the ones who aren’t worthy are probably more worldly and confident being out on their own. I also found in my mission that some of the most successful missionaries had checkered pasts. They might not have been the most obedient, even so, but they were intimately familiar with the repentance process and they had been around the block and could do their own laundry and so forth. I think we traditionally think of missions as a means to convert new members, but I think of far greater benefit is the resilience and skills one gains as a missionary, spending what is otherwise often a feckless (or even self-destructive) time of life on service to others. Knocking on doors is of little benefit; learning to handle setbacks and rejection is of great benefit. Baptizing people is of little direct benefit to the missionary; learning to love others through service and trying to help them live better lives is of great benefit.
But I agree that it’s voluntary service one gives. Does your friend live in Utah? Elsewhere, I don’t think the stigma of not serving is as strong.
In the end, it is a simple as deciding. The most simple things in life tend to feel the most complicated and difficult. I know. There will be consequences. I promise this young man will get dates and marry if he wants. It isn’t really that hard. Even I convinced a nice young lady once upon a time to marry me, and I am a complete scoundrel
If I were able to talk to this young man, I would recommend that he really do some deep soul searching, some meditation and prayer to find out what *HE* should do. Don’t let the noise of the crowd drown out the Spirit. I know great men in the Church that did not serve missions (and I don’t just mean the current prophet). Nobody was pushing me to go very hard, at least I didn’t have any intense social pressures. I ended up shocking a lot of people by deciding to serve. I really spent some time pondering and listening to God. I felt the “call” and changed my life to go. It was one of the most radical and life-changing times of my life. I’m glad I went.
I don’t know if all will agree we me (I certainly don’t expect it), but as a grandfather of twelve I tell grandsons at a private meal with me prior to their MTC adventure, that I will assist them financially (or any way), if they find a mission is not for them. Some will claim I’m planting a seed. My seeds were planted a long time ago and I have reaped a harvest of great grandchildren. In my clan, blood’s blood and not much else matters. I will be there for them as long as I live. I have seen others come home early. It is not the end of the world. Agency is such an important factor in this area of LDS endeavor. I love the idea of service, but I do place family before church, that’s who I am. Thanks for the insights! Hawkgrll, my friend is outside of Utah but in a very conservative suburb with big LDS population. They live near a stake center and institute building. My friend is actually quite independent, that is one the main reasons he doesnt want to go. His career is progressing; he is working in his field earning good money and got accepted into a prestigious program next fall. No real worthiness issues (that I know of.) He would probably be a great missionary if it didnt kill him spirit. He can apply for 1 year job with the peace corp after graduation, setting up IT/computer services and portfolios and profiles for small business loans to set people on their way to self sufficiency. He prefers this to a mission (but really prefers niether.) He’s not worried about not having girls date him or getting married.
George: My friend’s grandfather is very supportive as well about not serving a mission (but supports no one financially.)
There are two problems; one is that at times the group can overwhelm him. Last week, he met with some other successful people from the ward that have the careers in his career path. He was excited for the lunch; he thought they would talk shop. Instead it was an ambush, they all cornered him and told him, it wasnt too late to serve. It hurt but he can shake it off. He just wants to know the best way to set up firm boundaries to minimize the ambushes and lectures. How does it work if you refuse to meet with the Bishop or SP for years (but he keeps attending church, taking the sacrament and paying tithing?)
The main problem is his Dad. His Dad teeters on kicking him out of the home if he doesnt serve a mission or transfer to BYU (BYU does not have a good program for what he is studying!) The main problem is the friction not going on a mission is causing in his parents marriage. He is afraid his parents might separate or divorce over not going. His Mom is not pressuring him to go and told him she loves and accepts him no matter what, this was a huge betrayal on his Dad. My friend lives in an expensive area. He can not afford school and rent; he lives at homes and contributes greatly. He is very technical/computer savy and the parents will be lost with out the computers and tech support.
So what advice do you have on keeping boundaries to minimize ambushes? Any quotes on loving your son instead of divorcing your wife?
I’m not sure I completely understand this situation. This young man is only 20, he isn’t done with school yet, but is progressing far in his professional career and making good money. In spite of his good money and career, he can’t possibly support himself as a single young man or make these decisions on his own? His parents might also get divorced if he doesn’t choose a mission or BYU. Can you clarify things or provide more details? Maybe we are not getting the right picture of things. It happens in written communications on forums at times.
Valoel wrote:I’m not sure I completely understand this situation. This young man is only 20, he isn’t done with school yet, but is progressing far in his professional career and making good money. In spite of his good money and career, he can’t possibly support himself as a single young man or make these decisions on his own? His parents might also get divorced if he doesn’t choose a mission or BYU.
Can you clarify things or provide more details? Maybe we are not getting the right picture of things. It happens in written communications on forums at times.
Yes, he is progressing with his career (a niche in technology/computers) makes good money but only works 20 hours a week because he is a full time student. He makes enough money to pay tuition at a prestigious college and his resume is impressive.
He lives in one the most expensive places to live in the US, housing is a very different scenario than Utah (there are proposals for college housing for professors becuase housing is so expensive a professor can afford to live by the University.) He could support himself (with major student loans) but would prefer not to. His Dad sees his Mom as an enabler. The Moms thinks she is loving her son unconditionally and accepting him. The marriage is strained and not looking good right now. His Mom went back to school after getting laid off, so my friend has spent hours helping his Mom navigate the technical world. He is contributing to the household, they dont cook and clean and do his laundry.
He has made his choice; he doesn’t want to go on a mission. I respect the choice. The question is how to keep the boundaries, not the specifics in his life, how avoid the ultimatums? I believe the ultimatum will be that he leaves the Church and his Dad completely and thats really not great for any of them.
Is it possible to not go on a Mission and stay active? How do you navigate it with your family and ward and keep the ultimatums at bay?
Quote:Is it possible to not go on a Mission and stay active?
Yes – and it’s not all that hard if your commitment and self-confidence is solid and your famliy and ward aren’t hyper-dysfunctional. That last phrase is the key, it seems, in this case.
My advice?
He needs to move away from home and not shoulder responsibilities and blame for what’s not in his control. That’s it. Simple solution. Not easy. Doable. In a new ward outside the Mormon bubble, people generally would be so happy to have another active member that they would embrace him regardless.
I like your option Ray, moving from home really makes individuals start anew. However, as a 20 year old active LDS, I wonder what the first question asked would be, when he meets with his new bishop? Indeed, I wonder if a note from the previous bishop might just travel with his membership record. The only survivors of calls to a mission (in my experience), are those with very strong college demands and/or sport program requirements. Without either of those, second class status is a possibility. Another opinion, military service. Such are the vicissitudes of being young. Finally thought, a quick marriage is NOT a great idea… George, I know lots of members who didn’t serve a mission and are filling leadership positions in the Church. They aren’t second-class citizens in any way, especially after extended time showing they are committed to the Church. It is different in some wards and more of an issue in some areas, but in the vast majority of areas to which he could move? Not a major issue if he attends faithfully. He’s not a young man anymore. He’s 20 years old, so he only has a few more years until he’s too old to serve a full-time mission, anyway. This is his life – and, in lieu of using a couple of colorful phrases I heard growing up in farm country and in teaching high school, I will say only that he needs to take control of his own life and be an adult. He’s 20 years old; he needs to act like it. He needs to move out of the house and establish his own life.
Again, I get back to separating and isolating the issues. He can do it much more easily on his own than while living with his parents.
Thanks for the extra info Humanist. I agree with Ray. He should move out. I don’t care where he lives. All the other students at his school live somewhere close enough to attend classes. They can’t all live in their parent’s home. Same thing with the maintenance staff, the cafeteria staff, and all the other normal middle-class people that make everything function at the college. I guarantee there’s a cramped little room for rent in someone’s basement, or a college apartment crammed with 2 people to a room, and a bowl of ramen noodles he can manage like most of the other kids. Moving out sounds like it would be very helpful for him emotionally.
Life will go on after non-mission. He isn’t going to be forced to wear a scarlet “M” sewn on his clothing at Church. In fact once he moves out of his current ward, I doubt many people will know or care. There’s a guy in my ward that is absolutely one of the most humble, compassionate and dedicated brothers in the Church I have known. I really admire this guy. I didn’t know until 2 years ago that he hadn’t served a mission. I don’t know the reasons. It doesn’t matter. It came up when all us leaders were hanging around together at scout camp. This brother has been a scout leader and in the young men’s presidency for years.
Fwiw, my youngest brother married his high school sweetheart and never served a mission. He eventually became the Elders Quorum President in the same town where we were raised where everyone knew him – in Utah County. He now lives in another state, serving faithfully with people who probably have no clue that he didn’t serve a mission and wouldn’t care if they did. Yes, there can be and often is a stigma at first, but if someone (especially a Mormon) can’t live with any stigma . . . Where he lives it will be not serving a mission; where he might live later in life it probably will be simply being Mormon. He’s going to have to learn to deal with it, so he might as well start now.
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