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First I just have to say that this site has kept me going through the last few months. Knowing that I am not alone has been so helpful! A little about me: I have been completely active throughout my life. My parents are diehard TBMs. My father has been a stake president for 8 years. I have always done my best to fulfill my callings, served a mission, etc.
In high school, I began to question some of the truth claims of the church. I even told my parents at one time that I didn’t want to go to church anymore. They were so hurt by this that I changed my mind. After a long time just going through the motions, I gained my own testimony that God exists and loves me. I felt that love when I read the Book of Mormon. I took that to be my witness that the Book of Mormon was true. Any time I have had doubts since then I have suppressed them instead of faced them…until recently.
The Doctrine and Covenants was always my favorite book of scripture. Maybe because it was full of God telling people exactly how to live their lives down to how to tie their shoelaces (slight exaggeration), and that was how my life had always been! Anyway, one day a few months ago I read D&C 129 and realized that “the three grand keys” for discerning a true angel from the devil or his followers are completely illogical. This may seem like a small trivial thing, but for me it was an epiphany. I disagreed with a section of the D&C and I admitted it to myself.
Then came the flood. Over the next few days I started to acknowledge other doubts to myself. I badly wanted answers to these questions, answers that made sense. I stumbled on a few of the church’s “essays” on lds.org. The essay on blacks and the priesthood turned my world upside down. Instead of just questioning some points of doctrine, I started to question everything past prophets have ever said and what it even meant to be a prophet.
I have now been researching my questions for several months. For awhile I felt betrayed by the church. Now I am just trying to decide what I still believe. I would have already gone completely inactive if not for some advice I have read on this forum. I see now that would have been a huge mistake. If I stopped going to church my wife would be devastated (her top reason for marrying me was that I was a ‘stalwart priesthood holder’). She figured out recently that I have some doubts. She has no idea how extensive they are, but the small amount she does know was enough to make her cry most of a night. She just cried and held our son (he’s almost a year old). I hate to cause her pain.
I am currently assistant ward clerk over finances. Lately, processing tithing donations makes me sick to my stomach. Going to church is pure torture. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I really don’t want to do anything to mess up my marriage, but I feel like such a hypocrite living like this.
Wow, I had no idea it was going to feel so good to finally tell my story. If you made it this far, thanks for listening!
Welcome, Leap. I’m glad you’ve found this site. Your story is a familiar one, and I know when I came here, it was such a relief to learn that there were others like me. I look forward to hearing from you.
Welcome, I’m glad you found us. I know the relief I found when I came here and realized I wasn’t alone and wasn’t so far out after all. I hope you find the peace that I and others have found here. As OON said, your story is all too familiar. Church can be hard, and advice is difficult too. Sometimes I swear people probably see blood trickling from the corners of my mouth because I have been biting my tongue so hard. Whenever something I don’t like is going on I try to just ignore it and read scripture or read one of my favorite conference talks. Other than that I don’t have lots to offer, I hope others do.
I hear you….I realize how difficult it can be when the wife goes into withdrawal over lack of church activity. At one point in my marriage, after we had been rejected by the church social services agency over an adoption, my commitment wavered. My wife indicated she didn’t want to be with me anymore if I wasn’t going to be stalwart.
Then, the primary president to whom she reported as a primary teacher told her that “love and marriage should transcend church activity”. This woman had married a non-member. I was very impressed. My wife has been accepting of my own commitment issues since then, so I am fortunately, but I understand the risk that “coming out” as a doubter can pose to a marriage.
Here are a few strategies to consider:
a) keep measuring the impact of your true feelings, if shared,on your marriage. I personally believe in keeping the marriage together and my wife happy to the extent I am able. I think you have done the right thing in not going full tilt with your feelings to your wife based on her earlier reactions. The challenge becomes keeping your own inner peace.
b) Find non-traditional reasons for serving — for the good the church does, for the structure it will bring your kids (we do have strong youth programs in many parts of the world) etcetera. If you find community and friendship there, for that. If you find growth opportunities there, for that.
c) Consider talking to Old-Timer on this site. He is orthoprax, which, If I understand it properly, means he believes in good, right living first and doctrine second. Some have had success with that approach in the LDS church. Focus on the fruit of the religion and not its roots as your motivation for serving and remaining active.
d) I have had some success in serving in the community at large, outside the church, and justifying that as priesthood magnification in general to my wife and kids. It too has its challenges, and actually helped me see the church and all its warts in a slightly different light — a better one.
e) develop your own philosophy, and share it here…don’t trust any of the local priesthood leaders with your doubts as history has shown that is a highly uncertain path and it often leads to more problems. Realize that there are shades of belief that allow you to answer certain questions truthfully.
f) Read marriagebuilders.com. That site lists common emotional needs men and women have in their marriage. It’s likely yourr wife has a strong need for family commitment — and that your faith crisis threatens that need being met in your marriage. Find out her other emotional needs from the emotional needs questionnaire on the website, and make sure you do a REALLY GOOD JOB of her other top needs. In my case, I have to do a good job of providing financial support, being a good father, and talking to her at the end of the night, and being affectionate. This compensates for my lack of churchywurchiness to some extent. At least, we;ve managed to stay together for several years since my own crisis about 5 years ago.
Leap wrote:Knowing that I am not alone has been so helpful!
Hi, Leap – This is it for me in a nutshell. Glad you’re here!
Ah yes D&C 129, that is an odd one. I’ve read a bit about the historical context of the section but I’m still curious as to the reasons why that section was a revelation that JS felt as though all church members needed. I don’t recall anyone ever actually turning to that section and reading it in a talk or a classroom setting, the teachings of section 129 come up in the context of being trivia more than anything else. I mean what practical application does it have? Welcome to StayLDS.
I know what you mean about feeling like you are a hypocrite. I look at it a bit differently though, the word hypocrite carries all kinds of negative baggage with it. I still keep church standards and being a hypocrite is more about saying you believe something that you really have no intention of doing. I rephrase where I’m at by saying that I don’t feel like I can be myself.
One thing that helped was taking a step back and looking at what I
wasdoing. I was actively engaged in the church even though I no longer believed because I wanted to support my wife. Love and sacrifice are behind those types of actions and if I’m a hypocrite it’s in the net positive direction of the moral equation. I may say I don’t believe but my actions show that I love my family and am willing to sacrifice my will for theirs. I use that to get me through the difficult times while I try to find my own reasons for staying. Some days/weeks/months are harder than others.
And I forgot: Take it slow, don’t dump all at once, and focus on what you do believe. 
Welcome! Thanks everyone for the warm welcome! I have read and been inspired by many posts that each of you have written. DJ, SD, and nibbler, thank you so much for the advice. You have helped me gain hope that my situation can improve over time. My beliefs have changed so radically over the last few months that it has been difficult for me not to allow my actions to follow, your advice has helped me to slow down and begin some deep reflection. I am sure I will have many questions for all of you in the upcoming days and months. Growing up and establishing independence can be very hard, especially in letting go of what others believe and truly finding yourself. We recognize and respect that when people leave home to go to college, but we too often fail to see the connection to a faith transition. Really, it’s the same thing. Welcome. I’m glad we have been able to help and hope we can continue to do so.
Old-Timer wrote:Growing up and establishing independence can be very hard, especially in letting go of what others believe and truly finding yourself. We recognize and respect that when people leave home to go to college, but we too often fail to see the connection to a faith transition. Really, it’s the same thing.
Welcome. I’m glad we have been able to help and hope we can continue to do so.
We cope leap! I second that. The faith transition is really nothing more then a life transition. Not unlike finding out later that your real parents are just your adopted parents when you get older or a host of other things. It effects people differently. Some people just get really hurt and move on. Others have to try to find their parents. Others never stop looking for their real parents. Whole others are just content in the end to have someone raise them. New information is always hard to take over long standing knowledge or beliefs. I find it curious that people are afraid if change, a shift or collapse of world view. It’s all part of growing up, and it might even be far from the last shift. People are ever grueling and ever changing, the person you thought you would be 20 years from now isn’t often the person you become. I like the phrase in finding nemo. Where the father says “I promise I will never let anything happen to you”. To which Dory responds “well that’s a funny promise to make. If you kept that promise then nothing would ever happen him. Not much fun for little harpo. Seeking security and stability is funny on the outset. Running away from fears and doubts instead of acknowledging them and tackling them head on. To face your fears instead of run away. Once we acknowledge and face the fears of the dark it renders useless the only power the dark has over us. It’s how I overcame each of my life transitions( I have had many). By running to fear and embracing it instead of running away. To stand in my own and embrace uncertainty, not not try to build up an illusion of security. Like my friends say “it is what it is”(let the chips fall where they may). And “you never know?!”
What feels comfortable(by that I mean to to yourself and non anxiety feeling)will be individual. As many people in as many cultures, sub cultures and sub cultures to those cultures understand. Learning to embrace the things that make you you.
It will all get sorted out one way or the other, but not during our life. In the mean time, living a good life of values and helping others through life isn’t to bad uh?
The last promise anyone can ever keep is “I will always be the same” or “I will never change”. Change on life is a constant. Just like change in the universe.
Is married my wife for who she is, that is completely independent of her work, hobbies, political or national or religious affiliation. When I married her I knew who she was, but I also acknowledge that she too as well as me will change over time. In ways no one can predict. But the thing is, we will go through it together. How ever tough it will be. The last thing I would do in a relationship is point fingers and say…”you changed”. Well duh, that’s what people do. We are always a works in progress. But treating each other well and others. We can take that with us through what ever change.
Old-Timer wrote:Growing up and establishing independence can be very hard, especially in letting go of what others believe and truly finding yourself. We recognize and respect that when people leave home to go to college, but we too often fail to see the connection to a faith transition. Really, it’s the same thing.
I never thought of it this way before, but it makes so much sense! I think I have reached the stage where I have “[let] go of what others believe” and am in the process of “truly finding myself” now. I finally feel like I am being true to myself, and I feel so much more peaceful than I used to. For once, I don’t feel like I have to know all the answers right away (or ever), and that is such a load off my back.
Forgotten_Charity wrote:Once we acknowledge and face the fears of the dark it renders useless the only power the dark has over us. It’s how I overcame each of my life transitions( I have had many). By running to fear and embracing it instead of running away. To stand in my own and embrace uncertainty, not not try to build up an illusion of security. Like my friends say “it is what it is”(let the chips fall where they may). And “you never know?!”
Yes! I think that running away from my doubts and my fears about the church for so long made turning around and facing them very difficult. It will probably be a while before I can “embrace uncertainty” like you do, but your example inspires me to continue this journey!
Fwiw, I believe life is MUCH more about the questioning and FAR less about “the one true answer” – and I love the fact that Mormon theology embraces that fully, even though so many members can’t grasp it fully. Welcome Leap — we are glad you found us! I probably can’t add much that you probably haven’t already read from the comments of others as well as what you have likely seen others see in other posts in the introductions section. Take it slow and use this forum as your sounding board. The Church focuses so much on black and white/right and wrong answers that it becomes very difficult when one reaches the point you have. Still, I know that you can make things work out. Speaking from my own experience, going through the faith crisis has been enlightening to see what good works others outside the church do and how that our whole existence is so much more than just what we hear in our meetings.
Welcome, Leap. Happy to have you here. Your post really resonated with me. I feel like you and I are at similar places in faith transition. Personally, I’m happy with my new outlook, but it has caused tension in my home that has never been there before. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate my activity in the church in a way that brings peace to my home, but also peace within myself. I’m still attending church with my wife and kids but to be honest I really struggle through it. I definitely don’t enjoy it like I used to. But I hope and believe that my involvement with the church will get better with time, or at least that my wife and I will find some middle ground that works well for our family. This site has taught me that there are so many people that go through the same kind of experiences and they come out on the other side in a good place. I don’t really have any good advice other than take it slow and hang in there. Trust that things will work out well in time. That’s where I’m at right now, and I believe that we can both get to a good place in time.
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