What should a spouse say?

[Anonymous]

Sounds very familiar. The first test might be whether you remain in your calling after the heads up about your recommend. I realize there could be many reasons for a release, but you’ll probably have a sense for why if it happens. I don’t know how well-known your family connections are, but it might be that you get a “kinder, gentler” response because of them. Whether or not that’s fair, it helps you. Maybe that kind of visibility will lead everyone to think carefully about how to treat someone who’s lost belief but wants to belong.

Without changing any outer thing about how I function at church, I have started to shift my weight a bit. I’ve invested more in my friendships with non-members. Once ward chit-chat became unimportant to me, I just have less to say. But I’m a pretty darn committed visiting teacher and all that. I try to be more real and present for my LDS friends, but I’m enjoying being less guarded and image-conscious with all the great non-members I just haven’t made enough time for in the past.

I really hope you’ll stay and let us know how things go. And kudos to your understanding husband. :clap:

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like you are handling it all very well and have good support. Even still…the worry, the stress is there.

Perhaps that is ok. It is what it is. It is survivable.

Stayforthedip wrote:

Happily, he is supportive and sees that it doesn’t really change me or our marriage.

I think this is the key. If you avoid the anger, or lashing out, or defensive postures…and simply be a happy person and kind and loving…and the marriage can continue focusing on the good things and building on them…in time I think things become leveled out and accepted.

THere will likely be people check in from time to time. Who knows, perhaps you like having people check in…we don’t all stay in the same place forever, we have tugs and pulls and sometimes like dipping a toe back in church even if we have seen behind the curtain or see it differently, there are other things at church that sometimes pull at us and that is ok to leave the door open.

The key is…your family…your marirage…your relationships and friendships. Those are the things to focus on, and church just either fits in around it and adds to it, or it doesn’t.

But taking a breath and accepting you are where you are is a good thing, and it is ok to believe what you do. We are all on our own journey. Church is there to help your journey, or if not, you find other sources…but we can let go of caring too much about what others say about us, and that frees us from our fears. Try to remember what bishops and leaders and others are doing is part of their journey and what they think is best to help families. That doesn’t make them right, or bad. It is just what they do often out of true concern and love…even if they are totally not getting it and are causing problems.

Some things you might want to talk to your spouse about are reminders such as:

– The church is designed to help families…so…families come first always

– It is a church of love, not a church of fear…thank the leaders who show concern, even if they are not listening or seeing it from your perspective…appreciate an honest hand of fellowship for what it is

– Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. We set them with others, including church leaders. If your husband ever starts feeling this bishop (who isn’t too confidential) is edging a bit into the relationship with wedges of any kind…a kind word of support to send the message to him that you are united in your marriage can be step 1. Always take the lightest touch to tactfully tell others they don’t need to worry or create projects…then…if the message isn’t received clearly, turn up the volume until they get the picture they may not be helping.

Remember the analogy of the orchestra, and the various sounds and the ward is strengthened through diversity. Embrace that picture and be OK with your family the way it is, add kindness and love and service when you can. They will accept the family in time as they see a happy family that is united and loving and living Christ-like virtues…and not view you as lost or in need of saving.

They can’t save you if you are smiling and happy and helping others.

Those are my thoughts. I’m anxious to hear more of how you navigate it, with ward members, and also with family members. I appreciate your story.

[Anonymous]

I can’t add much to the excellent advice and discussion so far, but I will add one thing:

Whenever a leader asked me about a calling for my wife, I simply said: “You will have to ask her. I will support whatever she decides, no matter what it is.” I have the same policy, generally, for others questions.

However, when I know the question is from a sincere heart and desire to help, I am fine giving some detail in some cases. For example, the EQP asked a while ago about HT for my son who lives in our ward. He is inactive, somthe EQP came to the person he knew and respected who was close to the situation in order to avoid offending my son. I respect and appreciate that. I gave enough info for him to understand the basic issue, partly because it isn’t typical of why so many young adults stop attending actively (disagreement with particular church social policies).

Finally, I am glad you are contributing to our conversations. You will be a good addition to our little Island of Misfit Toys.

[Author]

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