What to do

[Anonymous]

I decided almost two years ago to go with the flow and try to enjoy the church. Especially since my husband and all my children and son in law’s are very active in the church. I have one single daughter who is a senior in high school and I haven’t told her anything of my struggles. Well, it is tearing me apart! I am depressed and I cry often which is something I don’t usually do. I just don’t feel like I can go on like this. I told my husband this morning that I wanted to talk to the Stake President (since I am still in the Stake Relief Society Presidency) and just ask to be released. I’m thinking that I will go to Sacrament only just to be with my husband and daughter. But, now I feel the need to tell my daughter that I am struggling. I won’t tell her any of the reasons why of course. But my husband is worried that she will start having doubts. I hate being dishonest with how I am feeling. Am I being selfish? Should I wait until she is married in the temple???

[Anonymous]

Peaceandjoy wrote:

I decided almost two years ago to go with the flow and try to enjoy the church. Especially since my husband and all my children and son in law’s are very active in the church. I have one single daughter who is a senior in high school and I haven’t told her anything of my struggles. Well, it is tearing me apart! I am depressed and I cry often which is something I don’t usually do. I just don’t feel like I can go on like this. I told my husband this morning that I wanted to talk to the Stake President (since I am still in the Stake Relief Society Presidency) and just ask to be released.

My philosophy is that when the calling isn’t fulfilling anymore, it’s OK to ask to be released. I did the same thing a year ago when the frustration of my own calling ( not doubts necessarily, but just the frustrations of it) started making me miserable. The problem is they may ask for reasons why, and I think many of us have learned that it’s not wise to share doubts with your leaders. For example, if you decide you want to be there for your daughter in the temple eventually, they might not let you because of all the doubts you shared — and may require you to show uncommon faithfulness or prove your faith again. So, you need to find a diplomatic way of getting released from your calling, without sharing all your doubts etcetera in case you change your mind eventually — and guess what – you might. I have changed my mind twice in my lifetime, and I might want to do so in the future. Right now it seems like a distant possibility, but at least my options are open.

So, I wouldn’t want you to cut off your options or make your life harder by sharing doubts with the official leadership. I’d also ask your husband to maintain your doubts in confidence until you can work through them.

Quote:

I’m thinking that I will go to Sacrament only just to be with my husband and daughter.

I think that’s a very good strategy to start with. You might also contribute in ways that are non-doctrinal, non-leadership — such as being willing to make meals for people, perhaps leading a workshop on some temporal skill you have, or even being involved in planning a social or something — when you feel ready. I’ve been doing that lately — and its been a pressure-free way of contributing in the Church that helps me feel more positive about it, without having to confront doubts or doctrinal issues. One one occasion recently I felt a bond with the people and sense of belonging again — all for non-doctrinal reasons. And I’m finding growing self-respect for serving other people in ways that are meaningful to them, which brings me self-respect for my character. You don’t have to accept every calling that comes your way, and volunteer for ever pet project to be a charitable person. You can actively seek ways of helping others in ways that express your personality and that you sincerely want to do. I find that approach to service absolutely liberating — and it can be done in the Church.

Quote:

But, now I feel the need to tell my daughter that I am struggling. I won’t tell her any of the reasons why of course. But my husband is worried that she will start having doubts.

If you tell her you’re struggling, she’ll want to know why and you’ll find “can open, worms everywhere” syndrome has hit your family. She’ll want to know why and you’ll have to share. I think your husband has a good point about your children having doubts. If your daughter is happy in her Church experience, I personally wouldn’t want to destroy that. See my post “Daddy, I really like being a Mormon” that I made recently — I’m kind of in the same boat to some extent, but my daughter has a lot longer to go before she hits adulthood, so I’ve had to try to make some long-term adjustments that bring me peace for the long-term, in spite of my misgivings about the Church.

As I’ve said before, is it really all that bad if your daughter grows up to be a chaste, non-smoking, non-drinking, non-drug-using person who believes in clean living and fidelity in marriage, being a good citizen and kind to her fellow beings? Many parents would die for that in their kids, and if your daughter is on that path, personally, I wouldn’t want to change it. That’s how I feel about my daughter — she is good to the core so far, and I don’t want to upset the apple cart.

Quote:

I hate being dishonest with how I am feeling. Am I being selfish? Should I wait until she is married in the temple???

I posted something on Authenticity and Diplomacy here recently – a tradeoff you’re facing right now in another part of this site earlier. I think the tendency to feel like we’re not being true to ourselves during crises of faith is common to many of us. I’ve had to work through this myself lately. I’m dealing with it now — and my main attitude conditioner is that I’m never really authentic in most situations about my true feelings. Always my thoughts are filtered through my sense of judgment and desire to be a “gentleman” and sensitive to the cultural beliefs of others. There is a definite tradeoff, but I’ve decided that I’m going to let being diplomatic, supportive, and culturally sensitive to the beliefs of others be my predominant personality trait in this particular tradeoff.

Also, it occurred to me the other day that MY experience isn’t everyone else’s experience. So, I’m not going to let my experience impact potentially negatively on other people when these personal experiences/beliefs/ are simply my own, borne out of the unique combination of my life experience and my thought processes. My experience is not everybody’s experience, so why broadcast it and potentially disturb their own peace?

I don’t think you’re being selfish. There have a been a number of times in my life when I’ve had strong desires NOT to do something for personal reasons, and people have led me to wonder if I’m being selfish (one, when I didnt’ want to marry someone –Oh the guilt people prompted over that one!). These are your doubts, your experiences, and they are definitely affecting you emotionally. I say acknowledge and accept them rather than beat yourself up further by telling yourself you’re selfish. Better to put the effort into dealing with them. If you just press forward, submerging your doubts and misgivings in sacrifice, I think it will be hard to sustain your activity.

Should you wait until she”s married in the temple? In your case, that’s not too far off necessarily, unlike my own kids who aren’t even teenagers yet. If I was in your shoes, I would consider remaining active in some capacity, in or out of the Stake RS calling, so you can be part of the temple marriage and also NOT knock your daughter off the path she’s headed. However, I would try to find a Middle Way within MOrmonism for the sake of your daughter and your inner peace at the same time –including getting through the TR interview without hurting your conscience. Specifically, try to answer the question:

“How can I find inner peace while still being involved in some capacity in the LDS Faith?”

I suggest you post some of your specific issues that are causing you to doubt here and let us share our own approaches to dealing with them. I think you will find an absence of the Standard Mormon Answers you hear at Church. You’ll also hear other coping mechanisms that could very well help you with your depression and the conflict you’re experiencing. I say this only because in the last while I’ve been finding some very positive ways of being involved at Church, and happily so, even though originally I felt like the misereable Black Unicorn in my avatar when I joined this site — on the fringes, no longer belonging, no longer believing, almost an outlaw within a herd of white horses. I don’t feel that way as much now, even though my belief system is NOT like a traditional believing Mormon any longer. And the kind of thinking you read in the “How To Stay In the Church” article on the home page might also help as it helped me — plus the unique approaches of other people.

I want to stress that the goal is to find peace with your membership and involvement (at some level, defined by yourself) in spite of your doubts. I’m finding this is very possible as we break the assumptions we have about what it means to be a member of the Church. And as we break our traditional assumptions about why and how we should serve. You may well find yourself a greater level of independence, peace and capacity to benefit the lives of other people as a result than you do now — and sincerely WANT to do it, while still not accepting everything you learn at Church hook, line and sinker.

[Anonymous]

Hey SilentDawning,

Thank you so much for answering. I think you and I are in different places.

I am totally cool with my daughter growing up in the church. I love the morals and not drinking and smoking. Those are some of the reasons I converted to the church in the first place.

But, for two years I have been doing all you have said and it is not working! I am a mess! I have already talked to my Bishop. My temple recommend is expired and I really have no desire to renew it. I know that the people in the church are wonderful. They are. But, do you understand that I am so alone right now? I am surrounded with family and neighbors that are engrained in the Mormon Church. That is not a bad thing of course, but it is very hard for me. Sure I could just keep going and faking it but it is killing me. I feel like I am living a lie. And I can’t stand it anymore! I guess I’m just not a stage 5 person. Another thing to feel guilty about!

I have no desire to disturb anybody’s testimony of the church. Those at church would be shocked if they knew what I am going through. They think we are the perfect Mormon family. I haven’t told anyone except my other daughters and the bishop.

I have been reading this site for a year and half now. I have enjoyed it so much. I think all the things I struggle with the church have been written about here at one time or another. I just need some peace and going to church is not doing it. So, if I just go to Sacrament meeting I think my daughter will figure out that something is going on. Don’t you think it would be a good idea to be honest with her? Do I really have to fake with her? It just doesn’t seem right.

[Anonymous]

Peaceandjoy wrote:

Hey SilentDawning,

Thank you so much for answering. I think you and I are in different places.

I am totally cool with my daughter growing up in the church. I love the morals and not drinking and smoking. Those are some of the reasons I converted to the church in the first place.

But, for two years I have been doing all you have said and it is not working! I am a mess! I have already talked to my Bishop. My temple recommend is expired and I really have no desire to renew it. I know that the people in the church are wonderful. They are. But, do you understand that I am so alone right now? I am surrounded with family and neighbors that are engrained in the Mormon Church. That is not a bad thing of course, but it is very hard for me. Sure I could just keep going and faking it but it is killing me. I feel like I am living a lie. And I can’t stand it anymore! I guess I’m just not a stage 5 person. Another thing to feel guilty about!

I have no desire to disturb anybody’s testimony of the church. Those at church would be shocked if they knew what I am going through. They think we are the perfect Mormon family. I haven’t told anyone except my other daughters and the bishop.

I have been reading this site for a year and half now. I have enjoyed it so much. I think all the things I struggle with the church have been written about here at one time or another. I just need some peace and going to church is not doing it. So, if I just go to Sacrament meeting I think my daughter will figure out that something is going on. Don’t you think it would be a good idea to be honest with her? Do I really have to fake with her? It just doesn’t seem right.

I understand aloneness, believe me. Perhaps that’s why I chose the black unicorn for my avatar — it represents my black-sheepness in my attitudes and no longer belonging at the time I joined this site. And I can’t talk to anyone at Church about my feelings unless I cloak them somehow as the perspectives of other people, rather than myself. “There are people who believe such and such — and then just listen to the answers I get from my true blue Mormon friends responses….it’s very alone.”

I personally don’t think it’s a good idea to be honest with her for fear of hurting her faith. However, that’s only my prescription. The attitude conditioners I’ve shared above, my refusal to take on things I don’t want to do anymore, and finding ways of contributing outside of a formal calling have all helped me feel much more at peace with being a member of the Church, in spite of my angst about it. I do teach Gospel Essentials, and I deal with the lack of authenticity by skipping lessons that I find hard to teach, or assigning them to other people.

About it not seeming right — it’s a tradeoff. You can be honest and feel authentic, but how will you feel if she turns away from it in the future as a result of your input? If this doesn’t bother you, then perhaps you should take the risk and be honest. It would bother me personally, however. Kids have so much temptation to deal with these days that I didn’t growing up, I don’t want to remove one support from the moral infrastructure around them. If they believe in JS and other things I question, I’m OK with it as long as it keeps them living a clean life.

It’s a pickle, that’s for sure. If your daughter was a toddler, you could get away with being less active and not going anymore. I did that for several years and it was a welcome relief, believe me. But now that my kids are “sentient” and aware, I feel that I have no choice. So I go and am trying to be happy as I see the fruits in their lives from the Church thing.

What about just getting out of your calling, and then seeing how that impacts you? It might be enough. How is the bishop’s advice helping, if it is?

Or, how about convincing your family to go away for a couple weekends from Saturday to Sunday as a breather, and then see how you feel? I did that over stake Conference weekend and loved it. That’s another coping mechanism for me — get away for a couple weeks and let my life settle into myself.

Also, do you have good friends who have moved out of the Stake/Ward/State that you can talk to? If this site isn’t enough? If they are out of State, and already know you talked to your Bishop, the chances of your conversations impacting your local experience will be much less. You can share and be authentic without having to potentially throw your daughter off course.

Another — I have a group of non-member friends. We play in a band together and gig around town regularly. They are good people, but they don’t suppress me with LDS values all the time. They don’t even know I”m LDS, and I don’t share it so I can be myself. I don’t do anything wrong with them, by anyone’s standard, but being in a different “culture” can be liberating. That’s another source of outlet. Find some good non-LDS people and spend some time with them donig something non-religious….that can be another outlet where you can feel like you belong somewhere without having to purport Mormonism at every turn.

Sorry if what I’m saying isn’t helping much. All I can do is share my own experiences and coping mechanisms….

[Anonymous]

Peaceandjoy wrote:

But, do you understand that I am so alone right now? I am surrounded with family and neighbors that are engrained in the Mormon Church. That is not a bad thing of course, but it is very hard for me. Sure I could just keep going and faking it but it is killing me. I feel like I am living a lie.

I think you will find this theme stated here OFTEN. Yeah, we get it, and we empathize. As Brain wrote to me a couple of days ago — “It sucks.” How else can I better say it. Perhaps participating on this site and venting once in awhile with folks who truly do understand and are in similar positions will help you find some peace while making these difficult decisions.

[Anonymous]

If your calling is leading to depression, ask to be released – with an honest explanation of the depression. Say something like,

Quote:

“I need to get a handle on my depression. I have to focus on getting me right. I can’t serve in this calling any longer. I don’t want to have this calling, not serve and be guilt-ridden for it, so I need to be released – immediately.”

If it doesn’t happen, stop performing the calling. You’ll get released one way or another – and the choice will be yours to make with the agency and power of a child of God. Just understand that your health is more important than a calling, so remember that “guilt” doesn’t apply in a case like yours. You are not “guilty” if you are doing something constructive and necessary to battle depression.

I can’t say that forcefully enough. Your depression and its effects are covered by the concept of “Atonement” – and recognizing that part of accepting that concept is placing your mental and emotional health first is a huge step in dealing properly with depression. It’s not selfish; it’s not wrong; it’s not “guilt-inducing”. If something you are doing is causing clinical depression, stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

If your calling is leading to depression, ask to be released – with an honest explanation of the depression. Say something like,

Quote:

“I need to get a handle on my depression. I have to focus on getting me right. I can’t serve in this calling any longer. I don’t want to have this calling, not serve and be guilt-ridden for it, so I need to be released – immediately.”

If it doesn’t happen, stop performing the calling. You’ll get released one way or another – and the choice will be yours to make with the agency and power of a child of God. Just understand that your health is more important than a calling, so remember that “guilt” doesn’t apply in a case like yours. You are not “guilty” if you are doing something constructive and necessary to battle depression.

I can’t say that forcefully enough. Your depression and its effects are covered by the concept of “Atonement” – and recognizing that part of accepting that concept is placing your mental and emotional health first is a huge step in dealing properly with depression. It’s not selfish; it’s not wrong; it’s not “guilt-inducing”. If something you are doing is causing clinical depression, stop doing it.

Yes! I agree with this too. I stopped functioning in my last calling too, and they finally did something about it and called someone else. The High Councilor even said “We need to get to this” when he effected the release, recognizing they dragged their feet. However, I suggest NOT being vocal about your reasons or disapproval of their speed, if they are slow on effecting the release I was vocal and now I regret it — I should’ve just stopped functioning when they were slow on it. In your case, I’d do what you need to, to manage your depression.

I think you might see things differently if you can get a handle on your depression, so I wouldn’t take any further steps until you see how you feel after being released.

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