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I am mostly a lurker here. I posted several times at the beginning of my struggles with my faith and have come back often for anonymous support. I take my kids to church on my own, my husband left the church long ago and I am the barley hanging in there Mom that makes it for the full 3 hours about once a month the last 2 hours a little more often( self made 2 hour church is awesome). Today was my daughters first day in Y.W. I am hopeful that it will be a positive experience for her. Her Beehive leaders just left after giving her her personal progress book and filling her in on what to expect. They were lovely. I have a concern though that I hope some of you might be able to offer some advice on. Apparently the youth go to the temple a lot and she will be expected to get a temple recommend soon. In fact, they stop and do baptisms for the dead on the way to girls camp even. I don’t want to stand in her way if she wants to attend, but I am very uncomfortable with the idea of her sitting behind closed doors with our neighbor/bishop and being asked if she masturbates. We had a very uncomfortable 5th Sunday lesson recently where the Bishop made it clear that he always asks the youth this question. Have any of you asked your bishop to skip this question and been listened to? I know I could insist on being in the room, but mainly I don’t want a semi-familiar man asking my daughter such a personal question weather I’m there or not. On a more positive note. In R.S today there were some uplifting comments about how hopeful many of the women are feeling lately about their position in the church. Many who I would have thought were totally cool with the status quo said things like ” finally women are being taken more seriously” and ” even if I didn’t agree with the tactics of some of our more vocal sisters I am grateful for them because progress wouldn’t happen otherwise” Some Sunday’s I feel like such a square peg that I can’t relate to my fellow members, but today I felt o.k. Until, ya know…the whole masturbation thing.
You have a right to ask to be in there. You could also say that you only want the temple recommend questions asked and no probing beyond that if the answer is yes to “do you live the law of chastity. The only way this will change is for people to be sticking up for the kids – especially the young women. Another option is to say you want the YW pres in any interview and talk ahead of time with her on your concerns. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It is not ok for the bishop to make up his own TR questions. For me, I would talk to him privately letting him know that this is not an approved TR question. If he persists I would let him know that I do not feel comfortable having him ask this of my children. I would respectfully ask to be present in the room for the interview to ensure that the question is not asked of my child.
I may or may not report this to the SP depending on how the Bishop responds. I would prefer that the bishop see the error of his ways quietly with no big fuss.
In my mind it is pretty clear. The church has specific questions to be asked. There is some room for additional inquiry when the spirit indicates or when an individual says something that invites further probing. But for the bishop to make the claim that the spirit always pushes him to ask that question of the youth is vastly over-reaching IMO.
Roy wrote:It is not ok for the bishop to make up his own TR questions.
For me, I would talk to him privately letting him know that this is not an approved TR question. If he persists I would let him know that I do not feel comfortable having him ask this of my children. I would respectfully ask to be present in the room for the interview to ensure that the question is not asked of my child.
I may or may not report this to the SP depending on how the Bishop responds. I would prefer that the bishop see the error of his ways quietly with no big fuss.
In my mind it is pretty clear. The church has specific questions to be asked. There is some room for additional inquiry when the spirit indicates or when an individual says something that invites further probing. But for the bishop to make the claim that the spirit always pushes him to ask that question of the youth is vastly over-reaching IMO.
:thumbup: I second this word-for-word.It’s been my experience that my local leaders give more age appropriate interviews. At 12 years old I think the parents are in a better position to know whether their kid is ready for the temple anyway. I agree with the others 100% but I have enough anxiety about things to where I would be concerned that the bishop would come away from the conversation thinking “they must masturbate if people are making all this fuss over it.” Yeah, it’s probably unlikely but people do jump to conclusions whenever we make a special case out of something. In that light I might not talk about which particular question I find inappropriate for my child, I might say something about sticking to the TR questions without being specific about where I think they’ll go off script. That way they aren’t as likely to come away with some incorrect assumptions, or at the very least they are left guessing as to what their issue could be (even when the reality is that there’s no issue at all).
The suggestion to sit in the interview with them to ensure they follow through is a good one. Same deal, a bishop might jump to a conclusion and try to probe where they anticipate that there is a problem. If you are in the interview with them that will be much harder to do. You might even let the BP know you’ll be following along the list of TR interview questions yourself as you sit in there with them.
My kid just entered the youth program as well, I understand the concern. I’ve taken the approach where I try to coach my kid on what to expect during interviews, even off script things. I tell them that if there’s a question they feel uncomfortable answering then they don’t have to answer it. Of course that creates the same scenario where a leader might jump to a conclusion. I don’t know whether I want to take it as far as coaching my kid to recognize when they are in a situation that they shouldn’t be in and in those circumstances it’s okay to provide answers that get them out of situations. I’m afraid that might bleed over into being dishonest in other areas.
I didn’t realize not all Bishops were asking youth about masturbation. I would be fine if the question were ” Do you obey the law of chastity?” Maybe I could ask to have an email with the list of questions sent to me. I’m not a fan of the stopping at the temple on the way to camp thing either…would she just have to sit alone in the waiting room while all the other girls wonder why she’s not going in( if we don’t figure this temple recommend thing out.) As a youth I was encouraged to invite my non member friends to camp, and I did. But I would be less likely to if I knew they would be feeling like the odd one out at a temple stop. Thank you for taking time to offer me some feedback. This site has been such a source of comfort and guidance during the ups and downs my ever fluctuating faith. All bishops definitely do not ask that question. In TR interviews I think most bishops do stick to the questions. I think your bishop is unusual in that he says he asks it of everyone and that he told you that. FWIW, the questions are online, just google them. That particular question is “Do you live the law of chastity?” The answer is either yes or no. My bishop does not ask anything further than that in youth TR interviews, and does not otherwise ask (even in missionary interviews). I don’t like the idea of stopping on the way to camp, either. If your daughter doesn’t have a recommend she would have to wait in the waiting room for the couple hours it takes the others to finish (I know this from experience). An adult may be loving and gracious enough to sit with her.
I just wanted to give an update on the youth temple recommend concern. I spoke to my daughter’s Beehive adviser and let her know that I would not be okay letting my daughter go behind closed doors with an unfamiliar man and be questioned about masturbation. She said she would look into it for me. She got back to me Sunday and said that she was told by a member of the bishopric that they never close the door during youth interviews and they only will ask if the law of chastity is followed. I was very relived. This is a brand new bishopric, I’m not sure if my previous bishopric did things this way or if this is new but thank goodness. My daughter’s Beehive adviser even offered to sit next to the door if it would make me feel better 
:thumbup: Glad it was a success. Sounds like you had a case of leadership roulette… SilentDawning wrote:Glad it was a success. Sounds like you had a case of leadership roulette…
I agree. As difficult as correlation can be at times – in this instance it was your friend. If the church did not have a clear standard then it would be much harder to identify if certain leaders were deviating from the norm.
I am happy to hear that. It was as it should be. Pentium3, you might consider expressing your appreciation for how they are doing these interviews and even saying that you wish all bishops would do this as there are many others that have concerns, but don’t always speak up. Some just leave. I would even encourage him to let other bishops know (they meet usually monthly to have discussions). This might do quite a bit of good and help kickstart a groundswell movement in your area to fix this issue. It strikes me as funny that the “cure” for both masturbation and rogue bishops talking about masturbation is the same thing: keeping the door open.
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