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I have an 11 year old son — to be 12 in about a month. We attended priesthood preview today. I asked him how he felt about it afterwards, and he said he doesn’t want the priesthood, and doesn’t want to talk about it. He gets testy when I ask or probe for reasons. Ultimately I heard this from him:
1) Doesn’t want the priesthood because he doesn’t like going anyway — it’s boring. He asked — why get the priesthood when it will only make me there even more frequently than I already am?
2) Doesn’t want to pass the sacrament — so why get the priesthood if it will create the expectation that he passes the sacrament each Sunday?
3) Also told my wife he doesn’t want to serve a mission, and getting the priesthood will only make him eligible for it eventually. I think he’s afraid to leave home given a medical condition he doesn’t manage very well (we do it for him). He’d rather not go in deeper and closer to being eligible for a mission, paraphrasing what he said.
I asked him if I’d said anything that had influenced his decisions about the church, and he said “no”. I have kept my innermost thoughts from him and the family, fortunately. I suppose I’d feel guilty if I had inspired these ideas in him.
I told him there isn’t any reason to be testy with me about it — as we’ve never forced him to do anything regarding the church, other than we expect him to attend church with us as a family activity 2-4 times a month.
In a way, this makes it easier for me, as if he doesn’t want the priesthood, it means I don’t have to face the commitment conversation with whichever Bishop would choose to advance him into the priesthood (if he could even pass an interview). Given leadership roulette, a Bishop might insist someone else confers the priesthood unless I do certain things. Also, we are not living in our geographical ward, so it raises that issue implicitly. I have mixed feelings about him receiving the priesthood anyway.
I think my role should be to simply help him learn to exist in the church in spite of all the expectations and boxes in which he’ll be expected to sit within. One goal, is I don’t want him to emerge from our family stating we crammed the church down his throat. I would like to take a different approach, where there is a lot of choice, but some minimum standards for what we do as a family.
Thoughts on this situation? What would your goals be in this situation? How would you proceed?
Let him choose, support his in that choice and do what you can to shield him from the pressure that probably will be applied by some people. I also might talk directly with the Bishop, since he seems to be supportive of your family, and ask him to help avoid pressure on your son. Tell him that your son is working through a lot and you don’t want him pushed away by well-meaning members, including youth leaders.
How does he know priesthood meeting is boring wen he hasn’t really been to one? We really can’t judge deacons quorum by a general or stake priesthood meeting. That was just a side thought. I agree with Ray – you won’t get anywhere forcing him and it’s best just to respect his wishes. Those wishes may change – even if he doesn’t receive the priesthood his third hour (or first hour) meeting is still with the quorum – unless he plans on sitting on his mom’s lap in RS
Lots of boys have some anxiety about the priesthood, your son’s just seems a bit more pronounced – and that’s OK. He’s starting some very turbulent years, go along for the ride and be the best dad you can be. Most of all, just always let him know you love him no matter what he chooses.
Agreed. I had already decided I would help him cope with the church pressure regarding the priesthood. Scouts is probably out — and even if it was in, I would probably take him to a troop closer to home. I have mixed feelings about him having it anyway. If he wants it – I’m full steam ahead. If not, I’m there with unorthodoxy at my side. In a way, I think I’m not a bad match to be his Dad…. I have a son who never made it past teacher, he seems okay with it, but I think being completely out has its drawbacks. I am watching him now as the high school transition comes through and he has nothing. The high school activities are ending, and with it are going the relationships. I don’t know your son, and my son isn’t overly social, but having somethings to go to or people to hang with even for an hour or so outside of the family is a good healthy thing. Just something to think about.
I plan parties at our house where his friends come over for Nerf archery and campfires and other things. This gives him friendships. Concerned that he spends so much time on the computer though…. Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk
Our children are sometimes obstinate to see how we will react. The best gifts we can give them as a parent is: A. to let them make their own decisions & live with the consequences.
B. to let them know we are available to discuss it further if they want to.
C. to include them in discussions about situations in our own lives & ask for their opinions. (It maybe limited with an 11 yr old.)
As we get older our conversations become deeper. My children are adults with their own lives, careers & families.
I consider them to be my best friends. This developed over time.
I would talk to the Bishop & explain what’s happening. And, you will let him know if & when your son is ready to go further.
Relationships are built from moments like this.
Great answers! I see much good in the priesthood/boy scouts/mission program for young men as I believe it helps them transition into adulthood without many of the turbulent choices that go along with it. Also it is a pretty serious expectation and I could see my boy getting grief about it from the ward and from extended family.
OTOH, I agree that in the end, after counseling with him about his options, the decision should be left up to him.
I agree with everybody else. Let him decide, and be there for him when he needs somebody to back him up. But still let him know that you have certain expectations of him. Scouts can be a good activity for some, where they’re still learning about morals and values, and providing service to others. But, if he doesn’t like scouts either, there are a lot of other ways he can learn those things, and it’s never hard to find an organization that can use volunteers to serve. There are plenty of ways to teach him to be an upstanding citizen, outside of the YM organization. Interesting discussion. When I was his age, I don’t remember even considering it as a decision. It was more of a rite of passage. Other things, like whether or not to play football on Sunday, were big/difficult decisions for a preteen.
Something you might consider in your discussions with him is to bring God back into the foreground. It sounds like you’ve discussed it in terms of pros and cons from a social perspective, which I think is important, but it might be a good opportunity to learn a little bit more about what he thinks about God. For me, an important part of the conversation is looking to see if there is any connection between one’s personal values and the values we learn by experience as we participate in priesthood duties and ordinances.
Above all, it is an opportunity to set the tone of your relationship with him and his with God.
So, my son is now in this exact situation. SD, I remembered you posting about this a couple of years back when your son wasn’t sure if he wanted to get the priesthood. How did that end up working out, if you’re willing to share? I don’t like to ask personal questions on here, so if this is too personal just let me know. 
My son will be turning 12 next month, and has been vocal about not wanting the priesthood. I’ve told him that I’ll support him in any decision he makes. I’ve told my parents about it, and they had some initial disappointment, but have also told me that they’ll support whatever he decides to do. My father has also agreed to confer the priesthood if my son decides to go with it. I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that myself, and would be perfectly happy with my father filling in. My wife has been fairly okay with it. At first she wanted to fight him on it, but after he kept pushing back, I had a personal conversation with her and reminded her that this should be a personal decision for any boy, and that having it forced on him could backfire and leave him resentful over it. However, if he doesn’t want to get it when he turns 12, that doesn’t mean he can’t change his mind a month later, a year later, five years later, or whenever he feels he’s ready for it. She agreed with that point, and says that she’ll continue to talk about it as a positive thing, but will try not to put pressure on him over it. However, I know that my inlaws (father-in-law, and my wife’s aunt and uncle, specifically) will try to talk him into it whenever they get a chance to talk to him when I’m not around. Our bishop has also told me, with a wink, that he would try to help talk my son into it, when I told him that my son hadn’t decided yet whether or not he wanted the priesthood. I made it clear to the bishop that I don’t want anybody trying to pressure him into making a decision one way or the other. I’m fine with him meeting with my son when he graduates from primary, but I don’t want him trying to force the issue. I just don’t see the priesthood as a necessity, especially for a 12-year old, so I don’t see a need to force it on anybody.
So, I was hoping to get your, and anybody else’s, perspective on this. Has anybody else gone through this with a 12-year old not wanting the priesthood?
I haven’t been in this exact situation, but my daughter was hesitant to be baptized. We told her it was absolutely her decision and there was not need to feel like she needed to do it right when she was 8. She did end up getting baptized at 8 and I do think church leaders played a big role in that. She was happy with it and so I think it ended fine, but I was worried that she would look back and feel like she was pushed too much. I’m not sure how to counter all that leaders and teachers in church do to push a kid a certain way. My son will turn 12 soon too and I am sure he will want to get the priesthood so that isn’t our issue. But I don’t have a temple recommend and so when it comes time for his first baptism trip to the temple, it will be tricky to figure out how to present that to him….
Good luck wit your son Holy Cow. It’s tricky to navigate, especially since some of these decisions come when they are still so young!
What is the norm for a 12 year old boy? From what I’ve seen: A few boys are excited to receive the PH.
Many boys are indifferent but go along.
Many boys are indifferent and put up some level of resistance but ultimately go along.
A few boys don’t want to receive the PH and put up a fight.
I joined the church at an age where guys typically have already received the MP so I missed that youth dynamic. How does turning 12 and receiving the PH play out for the average boy at church? Met with resistance? Met with excitement? What’s the breakdown?
There are varying levels of putting up resistance. Holy Cow, SilentDawning, it might help to know what level of resistance your sons put up. Sometimes it’s a simple “I don’t feel like it” or a kid not wanting to pass the sacrament (be up in front of the group) sometimes it’s a stronger protest. The advice is probably going to be different depending on the kid and their reasons for not wanting the PH.
nibbler wrote:
What is the norm for a 12 year old boy?How does turning 12 and receiving the PH play out for the average boy at church? Met with resistance? Met with excitement? What’s the breakdown?
Good questions. In my experience at least, most boys fit into that category or being indifferent and going along with it, without putting too much thought into it, simply because that’s just what is expected and it’s all they know. I don’t think most even consider the option of not getting the priesthood. It’s just what you do. Some are more excited than others, but seriously, we’re talking about 12 year old boys here; some of these kids still believe in Santa Claus (my son included)!
😆 How much thought do these boys really put into this decision. I think if boys were given the priesthood at 16 or 18, there would be a lot more questioning. But at 12 years old, most of these boys don’t put a lot of thought into it. And if they don’t want the priesthood, I wonder how many never even say anything about, simply out of fear of breaking social convention, dealing with parent/family/church leader’s reactions, etc. That’s a big burden to put on a little kid.It’s also absurd to me that there are women out there who truly desire the priesthood, and are looked at as trouble-makers because of it. Yet, we expect every 12 year old boy to get the priesthood without ever stopping to ask if he even wants it.
:think: 12 Year Old Boy = Automatic Priesthood; Adult Woman = No Priesthood for You!! The young boy is looked at as a problem if he doesn’t want the priesthood, and the adult woman is looked at as a problem if she wants the priesthood. But, I digress; this is my own issue and has nothing to do with my son’s reasoning.I’m glad he’s really putting some thought into it, because I wouldn’t want him just to get the priesthood without even knowing why. So, I’ve told him that no matter what decision he makes, I want him to be able to explain his decision. Why does he want it, or why does he not want it? But, I hope people will let him come up with his own answer without trying to use the guilt-tactics that we’ve all become familiar with at church.
Holy Cow wrote:
So, my son is now in this exact situation. SD, I remembered you posting about this a couple of years back when your son wasn’t sure if he wanted to get the priesthood. How did that end up working out, if you’re willing to share? I don’t like to ask personal questions on here, so if this is too personal just let me know.Not too personal at all. And there is good news. I accepted that he didn’t want the priesthood. We didn’t mention it after he said “no” to it. Being unorthodox actually helped me through it because I have mixed feelings about encouraging anyone to be a fully active Mormon, unless they truly want it. That made it easier.
Fast forward two years. Our bishop met with us and asked if he could approach my son about getting the priesthood. For 2 years, no one had pressured him. It was great, and a credit to the ward. We said fine, and we shared the fact that passing the sacrament was not something he wanted to do — so that had to be dealt with.
Anyway, we told our son the Bishop asked if it was OK for him to ask my son if he would like to become a teacher. He also asked if I would be willing to ordain him, and I said “yes” if that is what my son wanted. My son said OK to the interview, and miraculously, he said “Yes” to the Bishop’s invitation to receive the priesthood. So he is now a teacher in the Aaronic priesthood.
The odd thing is that on the Sunday he was to be ordained, it was hard to get him dressed, as usual. I approached him twice, he finally did it about 1/2 hour before we were to leave, and when I went to leave found him asleep on a bed. He couldn’t find his shoes and I had to be at the church early for my assignment. So, I told him if he really wanted the priesthood to call my wife to come and get him.
Anyway, he came up to me at church and hugged me. He had made the decision himself to come to church. I ordained him, Spirit was present, and that was all we said about it. Done. I was actually proud that in spite of being a bit harsh with him, he called my wife and asked her to come get him. I use that same principle (make ’em walk over broken glass) in my volunteer recruiting efforts, and invest little or no time in anyone who does not show commitment. He came because he wanted to come. That’s my boy!!!
I think the main thing is to give your son space, and to try to protect him from prying questions in the Ward. Tell the YM organization to lay off, the leaders to lay off, and train your son how to assert himself or shut down the conversation if he gets approached by other boys or has to field other questions. That’s my advice.
Will my son become a priest? I don’t know. Will he even use the priesthood? I have no idea. No one has asked him to prepare the sacrament.
I want to contrast my approach with my best bud of 10 years. he’s a former Bishop. He laid down the law, and neither of his grown sons want anything to do with the church. I find pushing people has the opposite effect for the long term. You want an inside-out change. And you don’t know the reason he doesn’t want the priesthood. In my son’s case it was because he didn’t want people looking at him and his diabetes pump when he passed the sacrament. After that was cleared up he had not problem with it, it seems.
Best of luck.
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