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I was in a ward council recently where the bishop made note that there was a returning person who had been inactive for a while. He wanted the council to know, but he also wanted them to help guard against statements like “Oh, we’ve missed you, where have you been?” He offered some appropriate statements and I said a simple “Hi” was plenty, and to make sure the person doesn’t sit alone in any meeting. But I thought about it a bit after, and while I think the bishop’s “It’s nice to see you” or “Hi” are fine, what other things might be appropriate to say? From my own experience I was very annoyed at “We’ve missed you.” If you missed me that much, why didn’t you call, email, or otherwise acknowledge it in the last 10 years? The “we’ve missed you” also draws attention to the fact that someone has been gone for a while. If a person feels guilty for not having attended for a while “where have you been?” can sting. A year or so after joining the church my job had me working Sundays. I didn’t attend for several months. When I came back people just shook my hand, expressed their love, and welcomed me back. The warm welcome I received made it very easy to keep coming back at a time when my testimony was still developing.
It’s nice for the leaders to guard themselves against making those sorts of statements but there’s not much you can do to guard people from the general membership. As leaders your best bet is to make sure that the simple expressions of love and welcome outweigh any other type of comment that they might hear.
BTW, I’ve seen this be a big problem in some units I’ve belonged to in the past… “Oh, we’ve missed you, where have you been?” would have been a warm welcome. The best you can do is inflate the ratio of positive comments to damaging comments and hope for the best in those cases.
I have strong feelings on this. I would simply want people to be warm and open with me if I returned. I would want them to ask about my family, what projects I’m working on right now, and include me in any activities I might find interesting. Ask my how one of my widely publicized hobbies was going. And most of all, I WOULD WANT THE SUNDAY PROGRAMS TO BE GOOD. This means there is a good mix of developing and accomplished speakers and teachers. I would want to see well-organized activities and see people serving diligently in their callings, with faith.
This latter feature — strong programs, well executed, is what activated me 10 years ago.
The last thing I would NOT want is what happened to me a couple months ago . We attended our geographical Ward for a missionary farewell (1.5 years ago we decided to attend a different Ward). We came in late and tried to leave early as we were there for the farewell and not the fellowship.
On my way out, the HPGL, our former Bishop kind of yelled for my attention as I hustled out the door “Brother Silentdawning!!!!”. My back was to him, and his call was a bit faint, so I ignored him because I know his personality — he was probably going to try to figure out what my sudden attendance at church meant, confirm any rumors of us attending a different ward, figure out my employment situation — all the structural stuff. He’d never bothered to call or anything the couple years I’d been away, even though it was common knowledge we still lived in the Ward boundaries — he only called out my name because my attendance made it convenient.
I also knew I couldn’t share my true reasons for not being in the Ward — he would have simply stared at me with a poker face and used the information to block me from callings or other forms of service if I ever returned.
So, take a genuine interest in the person’s life, include them in the Ward’s experiences, make the programs good, and avoid all the business size-up questions leaders like to ask. Make sure you don’t appear to be preparing your report for the next PEC or Ward Council meeting! Most of all, make it a safe place for the returning member to share their reasons for leaving, and their reasons for coming back — when they are ready.
The problem I see with this whole discussion, and with the counsel given by the Bishop, is that the same counsel was given to everyone generally. The right response to any given human interaction is a personal response. That is, the right thing for me to say to you depends on our relationship, which will necessarily be different from anyone else’s relationship with you. So every single comment made here will be correct for some, incorrect for others. Excellent point, SGoodman – but I love the simple fact that the Bishop was aware of the issue and trying to find good answers. I think it’s important what we say but much more important what we do. I agree completely that the best response is to strive to make our meetings better fill the measure of their creation – to make Sacrament Meeting a true worship service every week, to make Sunday School an educational experience and to make the third hour much more about establishing Zion. If people feel fed, they will return (or continue or enjoy rather than endure).
I would have them cut out in PH where they have “new faces” introduce themselves. When I started coming back, they wanted me to introduce myself (3) weeks in a row.
Then they asked, are you moving into our ward?
I understand, they are trying to make the effort. That’s always good.
“Hello! It’s nice to see you. How are you doing?” Quote:From my own experience I was very annoyed at “We’ve missed you.” If you missed me that much, why didn’t you call, email, or otherwise acknowledge it in the last 10 years?
This.
SilentDawning wrote:I would simply want people to be warm and open with me if I returned. I would want them to ask about my family, what projects I’m working on right now, and include me in any activities I might find interesting. Ask my how one of my widely publicized hobbies was going.
This!
If you do have time then talking to them about a neutral topic or (even better) their interests would be ideal. If not then the standard greetings of “Hi” – “Nice to see you” – “How are you doing” shouldn’t offend.
I think the problem of “We missed you” is the implication that “We” were where “We” were supposed to be on Sunday and “We” noticed that you were not there.
It also bothers me that this statement displaces ownership. Who missed me specifically? Everyone and no one?
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