what to wear and where

[Anonymous]

It is weird that I am even asking advice about underwear, but here we are.

For the past 18 months or so I have been slowly transitioning from wearing garments exclusively to wearing them only on Sundays or when I know I’ll be with a bunch of Mormons. I have never loved wearing them but had gotten used to it after more than a decade. I hated how they fit (although I did appreciate the coverage when I was nursing). Then about 2 years ago I learned that Joseph Smith didn’t wear them regularly. When he died he didn’t have them on, and from what I learned, they were originally only for men and mostly in the temple. For some reason, this just triggered something in me. As I thought more about it, I realized it is never commanded to wear them, and I didn’t even promise to. It is only counseled that we wear them throughout our life. So for the first time in more than a decade, I bought and started wearing ‘normal’ underwear.

I have since moved into a place of disbelief and don’t have a temple recommend by choice. I am fine with where I am, but I am not at a point where I want to broadcast my disbelief. Not wearing garments is a pretty clear sign to other mormons. Sooo…soon I will have family visit and I will also travel to see family. I realized if I dress as I normally do now, I would not wear garments around them at all. My internal debate is whether I should: 1) wear garments ever day around family so they don’t know or 2) dress as I normally do and let the chips fall as they may. I fear that, especially with my in-laws, not wearing garments will lead to family gossip and/or a confrontation/discussion about my beliefs. I would like to avoid that but I also want to get to a place where I am who I am.

Thoughts? Anyone else been here?

[Anonymous]

I have not actually been there because I am the only member in my family and I regularly wear garments. The topic comes up here fairly often, though, and you can use the search function. The bottom line is that it’s something you’re going to have to decide for yourself. If you don’t want to deal with the disharmony which might be brought by not wearing garments around family your choice is limited to wear the garments (or at least appear to,which I recognize is difficult). You either need to confront your fear or avoid it.

[Anonymous]

I actually stopped wearing garments as well. Completely, even. I never wear them now. However, I don’t plan to ever go back to the temple and I am going to be telling my family soon about my struggles. I have, however, still been wearing garment-covering-length clothing still, so the only way they’d know I’m not wearing them is if they were looking for the outlines through my clothing. Once I come out to them though, I’ll be wearing less ‘modest’ clothes around them

So I guess it depends if family gossip or being comfortable is more important to you right now

[Anonymous]

I’m not as far along as you are but I have told my wife I don’t love garments, especially in Arizona summers. She told me to start wearing cooler underwear at night and she actually handled it better than I thought she would. This doesn’t really get at your question, though.

I’ve struggled with what I should wear to scout hikes when I’ve around lots of youth and other LDS adults. I’ve decided that I will wear regular hiking underwear even though many (maybe all) other adult leaders are wearing garment friendly clothing. To me it seems silly (maybe even dangerous) to wear garments when hiking 15 miles in hot weather. Nobody has said anything to me personally although it’s likely they talk about it when I’m not around. So be it – I actually want the youth to know that you can use discretion when deciding to wear garments.

On a side note I run a lot and my mom has asked me if I could run in my garments. I told her she is insane.

I’d vote for not hiding it and wearing what you see fit. It really isn’t anyone’s business.

[Anonymous]

Stayforthedip wrote:

My internal debate is whether I should: 1) wear garments ever day around family so they don’t know or 2) dress as I normally do and let the chips fall as they may. I fear that, especially with my in-laws, not wearing garments will lead to family gossip and/or a confrontation/discussion about my beliefs. I would like to avoid that but I also want to get to a place where I am who I am.

I think the sooner you can get comfortable with the last part (bolded and underlined), the better off you’ll be. It is hard to tell how others will react and how important to them it is, and how that impacts relationships.

In some ways, if we step back and look at it all…it can appear to be a silly thing…it’s underwear we’re talking about…we’re all adults, aren’t we? Does it matter?

But we all know there is much more to it for those of us in the families that assign such importance to the temple things.

Is there any way to slowly test it? Wear them sometimes, but not sometimes. If others get concerned or say something, be ready for a good conversation approach…like “I’m kinda struggling with them lately. I dunno…do you think it is important?” And let them talk about how they feel and listen. You could always followup with “I want to do the things that are important to help me feel close to God. That has always been important to me.” Reaffirm your faith in important things.

At some point, it will feel much better for you to be able to know how you can be who you are, and live by not trying to please others. Easier said than done. Sometimes…you just do it (don’t wear them) and force the discussion…get it out there…get it over with. It all depends on how disruptive that is to relationships. Or, you just wear them and avoid the discussion if you want. Try each way…see what you prefer.

I dunno. Even if they are gonna gossip…at some point…you become bigger than that…it becomes their problem, not yours. You do your thing, be proud of who you are, and seek happiness and peace and self-worth being your own person. It’s scary…but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be dependent on what your spouse thinks to some extent when it’s regarding his family. When you say a confrontation about beliefs, what does that mean exactly? How will they react?

[Anonymous]

Stayforthedip wrote:

Then about 2 years ago I learned that Joseph Smith didn’t wear them regularly. When he died he didn’t have them on, and from what I learned, they were originally only for men and mostly in the temple.

I remember reading something from the early Utah period that recommended wearing G’s at all time for the purpose of being prepared should you need to convene an emergency prayer circle. 😮 Sounds similar to hypothetical advice recommending a white shirt and tie at all times lest you need to perform an emergency priesthood blessing. :angel:

Stayforthedip wrote:

For the past 18 months or so I have been slowly transitioning from wearing garments exclusively to wearing them only on Sundays or when I know I’ll be with a bunch of Mormons.

I wear garments sometimes. Whether I wear them on a particular day might depend on the weather, the activity, who I will be with, and what I have clean. For me, when I go visit staunchly Mormon family I will wear the garments. I see it in part as a respect thing. If I were visiting somewhere where a burka or hijab was considered the custom then I might put one on out of respect.

I know that some individuals have serious concerns with garment wearing that affect their mental, emotional, or physical well being and I fully respect that. For me personally I feel kinda “meh” about the whole thing and can swing either way depending on the circumstances.

If pressed about my garment wearing I am fully prepared to defend my decision to wear sometimes. Essentially that donning the garment for me is a personal act of worship and devotion to God. I do not literally pray always. I do not fast always. I do not read the scriptures always. The frequency of my garment wearing is just another part of my personal worship/devotion/relationship with God which actually seems pretty healthy right now. Thank you though, for your love and concern in asking the question.

For most people this gives them enough information without making them think that I am a dangerous apostate. It us usually enough for them to know that I am taking seriously the AofF that says to worship according to the dictates of our own conscience.

[Anonymous]

I cover up to the point no one knows what underwear I have on (such as with opaque, collared shirts, that are not transparent in any way, even at church), and long pants. When I’m with non-members, I dress as I see fit.

That way it’s not an issue. If you think it’s going to be an issue, I would wear them. Define being yourself as believing what you want, while fitting in a the same time. In my work, I dress a certain way to fit the dress code, so look at showing up in orthodox Mormon places dressed appropriately at the undies level is just an extension of that.

I have to say, though, that going to boxers was liberating — both spiritually, and for my thighs. And I love compression shorts. I wear them a lot now…

https://www.amazon.com/Compression-Shorts-Running-Tights-X-Large/dp/B01ERD07JE/ref=sr_1_25?ie=UTF8&qid=1492735472&sr=8-25&keywords=compression+shorts

They fit real well and are great for exercising.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for the replies. It is nice to hear different takes on this.

Quote:

My advice would be dependent on what your spouse thinks to some extent when it’s regarding his family. When you say a confrontation about beliefs, what does that mean exactly? How will they react?

Hmmm, I hadn’t thought of this angle. My husband has been supportive, but quiet about my shift in wearing them. I think he privately quite enjoys the change (for ‘private’ reasons) but is glad I still wear them to church and don’t make it obvious. I am not sure I want to get his opinion on whether I should wear them around his family, mostly because then I would feel bound to that, and I want to make my own choice. Kind of like asking him, “Should we have chicken or beef for dinner?” and then making whatever I feel like anyhow. Why ask in the first place then? But I see your point.

Quote:

For me, when I go visit staunchly Mormon family I will wear the garments. I see it in part as a respect thing. If I were visiting somewhere where a burka or hijab was considered the custom then I might put one on out of respect.

This is why I have continued to wear them to church and other churchy functions. Even if I don’t believe in their value anymore, it is just part of fitting in. It’s like a dress code, as SD said. Also, they are a symbol of my marriage and I am happy to honor that in certain places.

Quote:

When you say a confrontation about beliefs, what does that mean exactly? How will they react?

I think my own parents would probably die. Or stop speaking to me entirely (which isn’t unappealing at times). My husband’s family is much more loving, so confrontation is too strong of a word. But I can see them asking questions out of concern and I don’t do well in those situations. I get stubborn and defensive and then have break downs after. And I know it will be discussed because I have seen it before with extended family that chose not to wear garments at a reunion at the beach. All the women were talking about it. “Well, it’s her life, but that’s sure an interesting choice” kind of statements. So not super harsh, but definite judgment and behind her back kind of talk. Actually, seeing her not wear garments on a beach vacation made me super jealous and is part of what made me reevaluate my wearing. Maybe that is why we all evaluate and judge others choices? We are just jealous!

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I think my own parents would probably die. Or stop speaking to me entirely (which isn’t unappealing at times).

Then I would keep up the facade. I can tell you what its like not to have the love and support of a biological family over your religious beliefs. It’s worth the effort and discomfort to wear garments to keep the love in the family, even though their’s is conditional. I’ve been without biological family support for over 30 years. Recently my sister came forward and started including me, visiting me, answering texts, letting me call her and talk about life occasionally. You realize that your non-family church relationships come and go, and the biological relationships are the only real permanent relationships in this life…it’s better to keep them.

Here’s the other side of it. Let’s say you “come out”, and it causes all kinds of conflict in your family. Then you REALLY can’t be authentic because it’ll be a really touchy issue. So, you’ll have the same problem you do now, except your family will consider you apostate. It’s better just to wear them when they are around and keep your concerns about the church to yourself. At least you’ll still have family peace.

Either way – playing the game and keeping quiet, or being authentic — there are problems. I would take playing the game and at least have harmonious family relationships on my side.

Isn ‘t it strange how a religion that is supposed to make your more Christlike, actually ends up creating harsh and judgmental people who don’t accept you as soon as you don’t believe what they believe?

Then you go to a site like this full of people that traditional believers would frown upon on so many ways, but find acceptance.

[Anonymous]

Real life is lived in the middle. There is nothing wrong with compromise out of love and respect, as long as it isn’t truly destructive to you.

At first, moderation can be difficult, but it is wonderfully liberating when it becomes more natural.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Real life is lived in the middle. There is nothing wrong with compromise out of love and respect, as long as it isn’t truly destructive to you.

At first, moderation can be difficult, but it is wonderfully liberating when it becomes more natural.

Ray–Thanks for these words of wisdom. I have had them playing over and over in my mind and it has been a real comfort. Sunday felt much lighter and happier as I moved through church. I repeated my new mantra “Real life is lived in the middle” anytime things bothered me. It reminded me to be gentler on myself and others as we all figure things out. I look forward to moderation feeling more natural

[Anonymous]

Stayforthedip wrote:

It reminded me to be gentler on myself and others as we all figure things out.

:thumbup:

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