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Parenting gets harder as kids get older and start thinking about what makes sense and what doesn’t. Their identities get challenged as they start to experience life and develop their thoughts. That’s why they need loving parents to reassure them as they go. My kids are 20, 18, 14 and 10.
I am glad they have learned they can come talk to dad about anything. And we establish that not everything they hear in church comes from God. Some of our best talks that drive us closer as a family come from talking about what they experience at church that is not right. I got to the point I finally told the bishop I had to be present at every conference with my daughters. My girls don’t remember the topics being discussed at that time, but they do remember dad cared enough about them to stick up and protect them and be by their side, and not give up by just yanking them out of the program where they had friends and other positive influences.
I think the kids sense some teachings are not right but they are so trusting of primary and YM/YW leaders. I think it helps them to see they shouldn’t place so much trust in the arm of flesh. But it can be challenging to know how to say that to young ones in a way they can process it.
Mostly, I think they need to know their divine worth and that mom and dad love them. They need to feel loved.
MayB wrote:…Now that I’m more aware of what aspects of the church have the potential to be damaging or difficult for children, I feel like I’m a bit more prepared to help my children navigate them…I plan on constantly reminding my children that everything is a choice that they have to make. They don’t need to just blindly follow what they hear in church….Another question/concern I have is that,
if in my own studying and search for truth I decide, for example, that The Book of Mormon is not an actual historical record literally translated from golden plates but rather a 19th century text written by Joseph Smith, do I allow my children to believe what they are taught in church or make my views known?Do I wait until they are older and then gradually begin deeper discussions of church history and what I feel about it? How do I let them build faith and character, while not feeling like a fake?That’s a tough dilemma to face; I would be interested to hear what Ray, Roy, hawkgrrrl, Orson, SilentDawning, or others here have to say about that. I’m not sure what I would do in that case but I think I would have a hard time not admitting that I don’t really believe the BoM is historical if someone specifically asked me. Most of the time it doesn’t come up and the main things I hear about from other members including my parents are temples, the WoW, tithing, priesthood, callings, etc. as if all this is already true and it’s not like they are asking for my opinion about it if I don’t want to volunteer it.
DevilsAdvocate wrote:MayB wrote:…Now that I’m more aware of what aspects of the church have the potential to be damaging or difficult for children, I feel like I’m a bit more prepared to help my children navigate them…I plan on constantly reminding my children that everything is a choice that they have to make. They don’t need to just blindly follow what they hear in church….Another question/concern I have is that,
if in my own studying and search for truth I decide, for example, that The Book of Mormon is not an actual historical record literally translated from golden plates but rather a 19th century text written by Joseph Smith, do I allow my children to believe what they are taught in church or make my views known?Do I wait until they are older and then gradually begin deeper discussions of church history and what I feel about it? How do I let them build faith and character, while not feeling like a fake?That’s a tough dilemma to face; I would be interested to hear what Ray, Roy, hawkgrrrl, Orson, SilentDawning, or others here have to say about that. I’m not sure what I would do in that case but I think I would have a hard time not admitting that I don’t really believe the BoM is historical if someone specifically asked me. Most of the time it doesn’t come up and the main things I hear about from other members including my parents are temples, the WoW, tithing, priesthood, callings, etc. as if all this is already true and it’s not like they are asking for my opinion about it if I don’t want to volunteer it.
I have told my children that we will always answer their questions honestly to the best of our ability. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that we spill the beans. When Dd asked us about Santa Clause, I asked her what she thought and then reinforced her opinion without actually saying what I believe. When Dd wrote me a note in SM that said that JS was a great man, I wrote back saying that I agree and that I know he did many great things. It’s the balance between being honest and gauging what they are prepared for and interested in knowing.
Recently Dd has been commenting on seeing good people in movies drink wine. I have told her that many good people choose to drink wine but in our family and in our church we do not. I plan to do the FHE tonight on “Our body is a temple” and emphasize that the principle is to honor and respect our bodies as the home of our divine spirit. In our church and our family we have certain expressions of our desire to show honor and respect for our bodies (WoW, Modesty [DW is the enforcer of modesty and I’m not going to fight about it, but i do hope to tie the practice of modesty back to the princple], Exercise, Education). Other people may have different expressions and that is ok.
Roy wrote:I have told my children that we will always answer their questions honestly to the best of our ability. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that we spill the beans. When Dd asked us about Santa Clause, I asked her what she thought and then reinforced her opinion without actually saying what I believe. When Dd wrote me a note in SM that said that JS was a great man, I wrote back saying that I agree and that I know he did many great things. It’s the balance between being honest and gauging what they are prepared for and interested in knowing.
I like this approach Roy. Thanks for sharing.
Yesterday, as we were leaving for church, our 7 year old daughter observed a lot of cars still in the parking lot here at our townhouse complex. She remarked that a lot of people aren’t going to church on Sunday like they should. We had a nice little discussion about how people have many different belief systems and that not going to church doesn’t mean that they are bad people or that what they believe is necessarily wrong. It’s just different from what we believe.
Then after church, my 9 year old was upset. I mentioned before that the idea of going on a mission currently terrifies him and he doesn’t understand how anyone could possibly want to leave their home and family for two years. Well, they had some sort of lesson on serving missions in primary and he said he was feeling pressured into saying he was going to go on a mission but he doesn’t want to. I reassured him that serving a mission is a choice, that plenty of good men hadn’t served missions, and that he has plenty of time to make that decision. Hopefully small conversations like these will help my kids think more about religion and grow up being actively involved in their own way without just blindly following the culture of the church. Does that make sense?
With nearly all of our family being TBM in every sense of the expression, I’m trying to view our religion more as a part of our heritage. Something that has been extremely important and valuable to our families for generations. It’s helping me to find the good in it.
Great responses to your children’s comments and great way to look at the overall picture. If you read my last Sunday School lesson summary, you know that I told the students I always would be honest with them about how I see things – emphasizing each time that it is the Gospel according to Ray and that I admit fully I might be wrong. I’ve stuck to that, but I also have told them more than once when they made a comment that I appreciate the new way to look at the question and thanked them for making me think about it a little differently.
Roy wrote:I plan to do the FHE tonight on “Our body is a temple” and emphasize that the principle is to honor and respect our bodies as the home of our divine spirit. In our church and our family we have certain expressions of our desire to show honor and respect for our bodies (WoW, Modesty [DW is the enforcer of modesty and I’m not going to fight about it, but i do hope to tie the practice of modesty back to the princple], Exercise, Education). Other people may have different expressions and that is ok.
FHE went pretty well. DW brought up that the rule in our family is to keep the shoulders covered. I agreed and asked the the kids if it is bad to see someone’s shoulders. They said, “no.” I then brought up how in their cousin’s home they have a rule against drawing on the skin with pen or marker but we don’t have any such rule in our home. In our home we choose to show respect and honor for our bodies (among other things) by covering our shoulders. Different people have different ways of living and expressing this principle. As they grow and form their own families they will choose how to live this principle in their own homes and that is ok.
My seven year old daughter shared a great point – That if we truly believe that our bodies are temples, then we have an obligation to treat others (and their bodies) with respect as well.
Roy wrote:FHE went pretty well. DW brought up that the rule in our family is to keep the shoulders covered. I agreed and asked the the kids if it is bad to see someone’s shoulders. They said, “no.” I then brought up how in their cousin’s home they have a rule against drawing on the skin with pen or marker but we don’t have any such rule in our home. In our home we choose to show respect and honor for our bodies (among other things) by covering our shoulders. Different people have different ways of living and expressing this principle. As they grow and form their own families they will choose how to live this principle in their own homes and that is ok.
My seven year old daughter shared a great point – That if we truly believe that our bodies are temples, then we have an obligation to treat others (and their bodies) with respect as well.
I’m frantically searching for the ‘like’ button! This is just so cool. Thank you for sharing it. It underscores the value in personal spirituality. It’s not truly spirituality if the church tells us to behave a certain way, and we do it simply to conform. But when we take the doctrines that have value to us and make them have weight in our lives, I believe there is an empowering that happens within us. I particularly like the concept about how ‘this is our family choice’ and that they will have their own family choices to make.
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