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From the article Lookinghard quoted: Quote:
A recent LDSLiving.com article, “What to Do When You’re Overwhelmed at Church,” ended with a simple survey. It asked one question: Have you ever experienced spiritual fatigue or burnout? Over 1,900 people took the online survey, and a whopping 95% said that they had experienced burnout.Ninety-five percent! Houston, we have a problem.
The article links burnout to shame at not living up to our ideals. But shame has little to do with it in my case. For me, it was sheer mental, emotional and physical fatigue. The demands of earning a decent living to recover tithing funds I paid, and thus be self-sufficient in retirement, keep augmenting my education, taking on part-time, career-enhancing opportunities, hefty leadership callings, and strong, strong demands from an overzealous HC over our quorum did it. It led to neglect of my physical body (I gained weight), many nights up to 2 am working on school assignments, and this feeling of guilt every time I slowed down for self-renewal. Never again will I allow the church to use its influence to make me over-engage my high achieving orientation toward an unattainable ideal.
There was a small group of energetic people in our Ward, but there was also a complement of rebellious and nasty people with poor people skills (it only takes a few). All it took was a mutiny from 3 of them at one point, and I was totally burned out after staying with the calling for another 1.5 years. It culminated in getting fired from a project because I was just too burnt out to do a good job. Never again will I allow the pursuit of the church-described ideal bring me to that point again.
Service on my own terms == that is my mantra now.
SilentDawning wrote:From the article Lookinghard quoted:
Quote:
A recent LDSLiving.com article, “What to Do When You’re Overwhelmed at Church,” ended with a simple survey. It asked one question: Have you ever experienced spiritual fatigue or burnout? Over 1,900 people took the online survey, and a whopping 95% said that they had experienced burnout.Ninety-five percent! Houston, we have a problem.
The article links burnout to shame at not living up to our ideals. But shame has little to do with it in my case. For me, it was sheer mental, emotional and physical fatigue. The demands of earning a decent living to recover tithing funds I paid, and thus be self-sufficient in retirement, keep augmenting my education, taking on part-time, career-enhancing opportunities, hefty leadership callings, and strong, strong demands from an overzealous HC over our quorum did it. It led to neglect of my physical body (I gained weight), many nights up to 2 am working on school assignments, and this feeling of guilt every time I slowed down for self-renewal. Never again will I allow the church to use its influence to make me over-engage my high achieving orientation toward an unattainable ideal.
There was a small group of energetic people in our Ward, but there was also a complement of rebellious and nasty people with poor people skills (it only takes a few). All it took was a mutiny from 3 of them at one point, and I was totally burned out after staying with the calling for another 1.5 years. It culminated in getting fired from a project because I was just too burnt out to do a good job. Never again will I allow the pursuit of the church-described ideal bring me to that point again.
Service on my own terms == that is my mantra now.
I used to have a bunch of shame, but as much as the shame – it was as SD experience. The # of hours. I mentioned before I was a scoutmaster for more than a decade. That is a week at summer camp, ~9 other campouts a year, scout training/roundables. And then there is all the paperwork (reserving campgrounds, chasing parents for medical forms, merit badge and advancement paperwork, recharter). I have to admit the paperwork part is the worst. Just so unfulfilling. At least most times out with the boys I am enjoying it.But mix that with a job that at the time required about 60 hours (with a 40 minute commute each way, and plenty of on-call middle of the night multi-hour calls) and there were times I wanted to quit everything – scouts, job, marriage …
It is better now
One of the reasons that people stop attending church Elder Wirthlin mentioned in his talk “Concern for the One” is “being tired”. Another was “feeling different”. He focused on the responsibility others, including leaders, have to address those two reasons proactively and not just blame people who are tired and feel different.
I wish all members understood that simple concept and accepted his charge.
This is probably the subject of a new thread but I think we could do a much better job of scaling church programs to the actual needs of the members. In some cases I think we are asking the members to scale their commitment to the needs of the church, like in smaller branches where members have multiple responsibilities. In the linked article I couldn’t really tell if they were saying that shame was the byproduct, cause, or alternate definition to burnout.
I’d simply say that burnout is what happens when you’ve got more on your plate than you can handle, you feel a responsibility to perform the entire duty, and the conditions persist over a long period of time. Shame is a byproduct, mostly the result of failing to meet what may be an impossible standard.
Edit:
Here’s a link to a thread with a similar subject.
“The Rise of the Dones”The thread took a different tact than I has thought it would. To answer the question about “do I feel burnout”….nope. But,…to answer it in a different way regarding shame?
I can only speak for my own experience.
You ever see those families where they are the best dressed, the most behaved, the most gracious and involved? The ones you all envy most of the time? Well, everyone here knows that such families are really just for show more often than not,..but often such families have something in common—they are shame based.
In our culture, shame plays a VERY large roll, IMHO. It is a controlling — “you stay in line or else” — power that destroys lives in a lot of cases, but mostly it controls lives. The LGBTQ debate, and the high suicide rate is a prime example–those kids were different,..they were “born wrong”. I don’t think the church adequately addresses those people’s feelings either,..and that compounds the problems. You see, I was taught my whole life that if you keep all the commandments, you will be blessed–it is a major theme in the BofM for example. But, what happens when you do the best you can, never measure up quite all the way (or someone tells you the reason you don’t have the blessings is because you obviously must be doing something wrong), and the blessings don’t happen? Or worse, you ARE keeping the commandments and the blessings don’t seem to follow? (and then you are told, well, the blessings are given in the Lord’s timetable, not your own). Well, it all feels like you are suppose to simply give, give, give, and if you have expectations to receive in return?…shucks, can’t have that, because THAT is selfish.
I think burnout is the result of living to an ideal that often has its core on a false foundation,..the foundation of shame. I was, for example, taught that salvation is something you earn,…by your works. It is any wonder that the book Believing Christ was such a mind blowing idea for me personally? When we as people try to earn our value, instead of accepting our value as being intrinsic from God, it puts us on a tread mill where we self destruct BECAUSE that is the message we receive. God will never give us anything we can’t handle…right? Got will always prepare a way for us to accomplish what He says (through our bishop or SP) we should do….right? So, if the message comes to give more and more and more…well, we need to follow because God will strengthen us…right?
What a mind blower when the strength is not forthcoming and we crash. Oops…sorry,…it must be because we didn’t have enough faith…right? So, lets get back on that treadmill and get going!!!!
One more thought. I partially read a book–one of those little ones by Elder Bednar–Act in Doctrine or something. I threw it away. Why?….well, it had a story in it that was so one-sided (and I wasn’t in a good place at the time) that I just couldn’t tolerate it any more. He told the story of when Jesus ended the 40 day fast, and the KJV says that angels came to minister to Jesus. Well, Bednar pointed out that the JST indicated that Jesus actually didn’t receive that help–he sent those angels to John the Baptist to help him. Bednar made if very clear that the character of Christ was to NOT accept help for himself, even when His needs were greater than those around Him,…but to ALWAY look outside of himself to the needs of others, and not to his own.
This story was offensive to me, and Bednar made me angry.
During a visit with my bishop when the gavel hit in my life, I plead with my bishop to PLEASE meet with me regularly. Please oh please just meet with me, because “I don’t know what to believe” is what I told him. After 17 missed visits, I gave up. I am NOT exaggerating here. I was the bleeding sheep out there…I was the one begging for help…and no one came for me. Well, I’m sorry, but I did learn something during that experience–it is that I no longer look to the church for help. Nor, do I think I ever will. The damage is done and I am scarred. I forgive, but trust?…that is something different all together.
Anyway,..back to Bednar.
It reminded me of my situation where I needed help, and none came. So, Jesus will not look at His own needs, but will send help to others? OK…I guess I didn’t matter. So, good receipe for shame. And, the other thing is that the idea of giving and never receiving makes no sense…which is the other side of the equation. I use to wonder, using Bednar’s example, how I could teach my children this principle,…and a horrific idea came to mind. Suppose, for example, my son is out riding his bicycle and he wrecks and seriously injures his knees and wrists. Well, also suppose that my son had made a previous committment to mow the lawn of his grandfather, who loves his company and needs the help. As a father, if I were going to teach my son about ALWAYS looking outside of yourself to help others and ignoring your own needs (like Bednar actually seemed to say), then I would strongly encourage my son to dry his tears, mop up the blood, and limp in pain over to mow grandpa’s lawn. I mean after all, if we are to be like Christ who was in a VERY difficult place after the fast, should we not sacrifice ourselves and our own needs for others?
Shame is used in the church to control, and whether we like it or not, it plays a roll. And, we also have, IMHO, a VERY unhealthy emphasis on giving at the exclusion of self care. I have yet to hear a very clear lesson (and I confess I haven’t paid attention much over the past few years because I have given up in large measure) on how to love yourself. The lessons along those lines are ALWAYS “you love yourself by being of service to others”. Or…in so many words,..give, give, give….
Sometimes I am sick and tired if “giving”. Sometimes I want to GET! (and I am willing to wear the label of being selfish. So there)
If everyone were only ever expected to give service then who would be the recipients of said service? I get the danger, we run the risk of falling into the prosperity theology trap. If you are in a position to serve you are closer to god, if you are in a position of requiring service you are not in god’s favor.
We recently had a SS lesson on how Judas complained about Mary using expensive perfume to wash Jesus’ feet. Jesus didn’t refuse that service, he even defended it. There are Christlike lessons to be learned in receiving service.
Someone help me out here. A long time ago I remember hearing a talk (and I admit, it may have been a local SM talk) about an elderly sister feeling depressed about being in a position where she required service and how she felt like a burden on the ward. The point of the talk was to show how the sister was a blessing to the ward. Please tell me that wasn’t just a local SM talk, that someone else remembers it besides me. Well my point is, there was probably something good said in that talk.
The best that a search yielded was:
I guess it was a local talk because I vaguely remember an outline. Oh well.
nibbler wrote:If everyone were only ever expected to give service then who would be the recipients of said service?
Oh yeh. It is crazy,…but there it is.
nibbler wrote:I get the danger, we run the risk of falling into the prosperity theology trap. If you are in a position to serve you are closer to god, if you are in a position of requiring service you are not in god’s favor.
Bulls eye!!!!!
nibbler wrote:We recently had a SS lesson on how Judas complained about Mary using expensive perfume to wash Jesus’ feet. Jesus didn’t refuse that service, he even defended it. There are Christlike lessons to be learned in receiving service.
Yes…but there is also a possibility that the ONLY reason you accept service is to be a service, and again, this would fit with Jesus who didn’t need anything from anyone. This gets into a big mess of a loop. And, I suppose it is true that God needs nothing from us–he is self existent and eternal regardless of what we do. But, I am not God,..and sometimes I don’t want to accept something to be of service to someone else…I want it because I like it for me.
I don’t like the idea that Bednar postulated because it feels as though his life would be lived without boundaries and borders. This whole idea of giving, giving, giving could be utterly destructive to people who are perhaps more introverted naturally, and need time alone self soothing to recover strength and rest. Self care–thinking about yourself and your own needs, not negating them or assuming that the only way to meet your own needs is by serving others, is not in the equation I have heard much of. I mean, after all,…do we have to be of service to ourselves in order to self care?
Hunh…I guess you could think of it like that: we serve ourselves when we self care, we serve others when we receive their service, and we serve others when we fill needs they don’t really have, but only accept service to be of service to ourselves. So, like the little stream,…we give oh give, give oh give,…and even though we are constantly giving out, away, to and for, we never diminish.
THATS IT! WE SHOULD GIVE UNTIL WE BREAK BECAUSE WE WILL NOT BREAK…..BECAUSE GIVING BUILDS AND NEVER DIMINISHES……
(crap…got into a loop there… oops…sorry, small rant there).
Nibbler – Quote:A long time ago I remember hearing a talk (and I admit, it may have been a local SM talk) about an elderly sister feeling depressed about being in a position where she required service and how she felt like a burden on the ward. The point of the talk was to show how the sister was a blessing to the ward. Please tell me that wasn’t just a local SM talk, that someone else remembers it besides me.
You have not lost your mind. I believe that story is the inspiration for the churches Lift Video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAuqdPWTGLIhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAuqdPWTGLI” class=”bbcode_url”> Thoreau wrote:Short answer from the training we received a few weeks ago on keeping the sabbath day holy is to partake of the sacrament.
What can I expect my leaders to tell me when I take this at face value, and partake of the sacrament and leave church shortly after, since I am making sure I am keeping to the most important thing I was there to do?
Heber13 wrote:Thoreau wrote:Short answer from the training we received a few weeks ago on keeping the sabbath day holy is to partake of the sacrament.
What can I expect my leaders to tell me when I take this at face value, and partake of the sacrament and leave church shortly after, since I am making sure I am keeping to the most important thing I was there to do?
Since I can’t take the sacrament, I’ll give you a high five on your way out….and my way in.
:wtf: Oh wait….that means I can’t keep the Sabbath holy? (I didn’t think about that one! YIKES!)
Heber13 wrote:Thoreau wrote:Short answer from the training we received a few weeks ago on keeping the sabbath day holy is to partake of the sacrament.
What can I expect my leaders to tell me when I take this at face value, and partake of the sacrament and leave church shortly after, since I am making sure I am keeping to the most important thing I was there to do?
Depends on leadership roulette to an extent. There’s always that TR question about attending you priesthood and other meetings. My bishops wife often works on Sunday, her shift starts at noon. She comes to SM and leaves during SS. She holds a TR. We could say that’s a special circumstance, and it is – but aren’t all circumstances special? This is actually one of the reasons I support a two hour block (or less). I don’t care which meeting we ditch – or shorten all three and have only 1 or 2 SM speakers (perhaps a youth and one other). Cut PH/RS to a 10-15 minutes with business only, no lesson. Or cut either PH/RS or SS.
Rob4Hope wrote:Heber13 wrote:Thoreau wrote:Short answer from the training we received a few weeks ago on keeping the sabbath day holy is to partake of the sacrament.
What can I expect my leaders to tell me when I take this at face value, and partake of the sacrament and leave church shortly after, since I am making sure I am keeping to the most important thing I was there to do?
Since I can’t take the sacrament, I’ll give you a high five on your way out….and my way in.
:wtf: Oh wait….that means I can’t keep the Sabbath holy? (I didn’t think about that one! YIKES!)
I think you can keep the sabbath without taking the sacrament.
DJ…whenever they codify this stuff, it makes it interesting. I expect to keep the sabbath however I need to. 
I used to go because I believed. Post faith crisis/transition…I go mainly because I have three teenagers who are all in presidencies, and a big part of their social life and friendships are there. I also teach primary with my husband, which I have a love/hate relationship with. I love the kids, but I hate the correlated lessons. To be honest, I have just been waiting for the right time to ask for a release. RiverSong14 wrote:I used to go because I believed. Post faith crisis/transition…I go mainly because I have three teenagers who are all in presidencies, and a big part of their social life and friendships are there. I also teach primary with my husband, which I have a love/hate relationship with. I love the kids, but I hate the correlated lessons. To be honest, I have just been waiting for the right time to ask for a release.
Thanks for responding. I think that is not too uncommon to be in that situation as parents.I would guess, RiverSong14, you see value for the kids to be involved in things, and that makes it worth it. Is that right? The purpose really is for the benefit of the family in that situation, faith in sacrament or not, ordinances or promised blessings or belief in the other doctrinal stuff can vary from person to person if they believe or not, but the family still benefits by going and having the chances for all individual family members to work on their faith, however they work that out…perhaps in order to work things out.
Is that fair to say?
Does that include the parents…even if a FC/FT makes it hard to see any immediate reason to go personally, there is benefit to being with family in a “good” place?
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