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Such a great post from Lisa at FMH: http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2014/03/leave-the-door-to-the-gospel-wide-open-when-a-loved-one-doubts/#comments A few great quotes:
“To her it feels like the choice you are offering, is the choice to stay at church where people will assume you haven’t tried, tell you you must agree with them, and then will reject you. Is it any wonder the better choice might be to distance yourself from the church and find a place where people won’t say such cruel and harsh things? I know that you didn’t mean to present that choice, but that is what the choice feels like on the other side.”
“If he had made his love for me conditional on my faith, I think resentment and fear and pain would have destroyed both my hope in the gospel and our love for each other.”
“it’s not enough to just say you love him, but ask him to hide himself from you because his questions and doubts make you uncomfortable. Our Heavenly Parents see all of us, every bit of our souls and doubts and questions and secrets and shame. And they still love us. If you demand that he hide his questions and doubt from you in order to be loved by you, that just confirms to him that there is a part of him that you will ultimately reject. And that is not Godly love.”
“So how can you respond when you’re being bombarded with content? Look under the content for the emotions. This is going to sound simple to the point of ridiculous, but it works, I kid you not. You can boil your responses down to these three things, rinse and repeat. Say it kindly, be gentle: “I see that you are sad.” “I’m sorry you’re scared.” “I can tell that you’re angry.””
Sometimes I forget that others haven’t learned the basics of the basics. Not in a condescending way. But that for many, these things don’t get taught in their youth by anyone. With that in mind, the open I presented to my parents when I was a preteen. Echoed by many therapist but we often forget or haven’t learned yet not to invalidate other peoples problems or feelings. It’s cruel and hurts.
Quote:When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what’s behind
this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are
obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people – because God is mute,
and he doesn’t give advice or try
to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work
it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn – and I will listen to you.
Leo BuscagliaWow. Really-Really good! And very approachable for Traditionally Believing Mormons. Perhaps the best treatment of this subject that I have seen. Thanks for sharing this. Forgotten Charity – SO good! Thanks for sharing. Quote:“If he had made his love for me conditional on my faith, I think resentment and fear and pain would have destroyed both my hope in the gospel and our love for each other.”
This message is so, so, so, so important. I wish I could teach this to every couple. My wife and I have developed a stronger relationship because, 3.5 years ago (when she stopped attending), we didn’t make our love conditional on attendance/non-attendance on a Sunday.
Roy wrote:Wow. Really-Really good! And very approachable for Traditionally Believing Mormons. Perhaps the best treatment of this subject that I have seen.
Quoted for truth!
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