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I have been in situations where people have called me out for certain things. I then apologize as I didn’t realize it offended them, and they keep on berating me. The only way out of it is to remove myself from the situation. Most recently it happened about 5 years ago when I was delivering postcards to homes for a community event I was planning. A homeowner didn’t like me coming to the door and leaving it on the doorstep or wedged in between the screen door and the door frame. He angrily told me to leave the neighborhood as it was illegal. I apologized and said I would leave, but then he kept berating me. I apologized again and he kept berating me. It was as if I resisted his directives rather than gave an apology and agreed to leave his street.
Here is an interview that Samuel Jackson had with an interviewer who had him confused with Laurence Fishburn.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdxMkQhq58g It shows the same kind of berating after heartfelt apology is given.
I am curious — how do you respond to being berating this way after an apology and agreement to stop doing whatever it is that offended the person failed?
I have recently worked as a Census worker and have come into contact with some of the most obnoxious and difficult people. I suppose it does not help that as census workers we are supposed to walk right past “no trespassing” signs to approach homes and ask about the occupants. Some people have very aggressive views about the government and do not seem to be able to distinguish between “The Government” and me as a lowly census worker carrying a clipboard.
I tend to deal with it by reminding myself that if they often treat people this way then the best revenge is to leave them to their own devices and what I assume to be an unhappy life (they may in fact be very happy but it makes me feel better to imagine that they are not).
I also feel that I have much more to lose than they do. If I were to let the situation and my behavior escalate then I could find myself in real trouble. Let’s suppose that it came to blows. I would probably face consequences from the census office but if the law gets involved and charges are filed then I could find myself losing my regular job as well. It doesn’t matter if it was provoked and it might not even matter if I was “defending myself.”
For those reasons, I find it best to swallow those unkind words that I might say and remove myself from the area.
I see. It takes humility to walk away from those situations. I still reflect on that one from time to time. I was tempted in the moment with my flyer-recipient-homeowner to say something like “Well, since I’ve apologized three times now, and you continue to berate me as if I didn’t acknowledge your concern, this situation must be triggering some severe emotional issues on your part. I suggest you get yourself some counseling to you can deal with whatever personal issues are preventing you from being a reasonable person”.
But I think the guy probably would have hit me or something. Or called the police.
I actually did have the police called on me. A guy was offended at my questions and threatened to call the police and I said “Go ahead. I’d love to talk to them.” before going on to my next address. (I knew that I wasn’t doing anything illegal) The police caught up with me about a block later. The caller had said that I had been impersonating a census worker and that I did not have ID. I did have ID on a lanyard around my neck that I show to everybody at the beginning of the conversation. Anyway, the officer took one look at me and said I was good to continue.
I wondered about possible negative consequences for this caller. Is there such a thing as frivolous calling of the police? Not really. If I could prove that he knew that I was a census worker and that I had showed him my ID then maybe he could get in trouble for lying to the police or filing a false report.
The experience also had me wondering. I am a white male with the full support of the US federal government. How different might this have gone if I was a minority not on official business for the government and someone were to call the police on me. What steps would the police officer have taken to verify that I was in fact not “acting suspicious” or “up to criminal activity.” Might those steps leave me feeling indignant and racially profiled?
Anyway, after that experience when people threaten to call the police I do not challenge them. The police have better things to do than come out and talk to me. I apologize and I leave the area. This is the wiser course of action for me.
SilentDawning wrote:
I have been in situations where people have called me out for certain things. I then apologize as I didn’t realize it offended them, and they keep on berating me. The only way out of it is to remove myself from the situation.
In this situation like you and I have described maybe the apology didn’t “fail.” Maybe it deescalated the situation just enough to allow us the time to get the heck out of there.
I think in some scenarios like that you don’t have to apologize. Some people have a lot of repressed anger and they lash out at strangers. I have had this done to me before… They didn’t seem to realize I was doing a job and didn’t understand how much work I was doing. I think if our roles were reversed then they would actually be very hurt and angered. Apologies always work for me when I’ve been offended and hurt. But I know it’s not the same for everyone. A couple of my children struggle with some anger issues and when they are in the throes of an offense, apologizing has no effect. That’s a tough place to be. But the fact is that we live in such close quarters to one another (literally and figuratively) it can be really challenging to get along even when apologies are offered. And let’s face it, the current political climate does little to help this situation. I’ve included a quote that I like about Sigmund Freud, not because I’m a Freud fan necessarily but because it says something about modern life and its challenges.
Quote:Freud brought psychologists face to face with the whole range of human problems, with the central questions that had been treated by great thinkers, artists and writers from ancient times, but had been almost excluded from the arid abstractions of the academic schools—with problems of love and hate, of happiness and misery; with the turmoil of social discontent and violence, as well as the trifling errors and slips of every day existence; with the towering edifices of religious belief as well as the petty but tragic tensions of family life. —-L.S. Hearnshaw—-
SilentDawning wrote:
I am curious — how do you respond to being berating this way after an apology and agreement to stop doing whatever it is that offended the person failed?From an old talk by Henry Eyring I know that even people who hurt us are doing about the best they can. Some aren’t capable of processing an apology. They might be one day but it isn’t today and won’t be tomorrow either. Change takes time.
That’s for people who mistreat us. What about people who simply don’t forgive us?
From that, I disconnect myself because it isn’t my business. Forgiveness begins and ends inside one person’s head. And that’s when it’s a good fit for them, which isn’t always.
ref: Almost everything I know about forgiveness and apologies, I learned during the last 10 years.
NoahVail wrote:
ref: Almost everything I know about forgiveness and apologies, I learned during the last 10 years.
That’s one of the paradoxes of life, one learns things so late on.
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There are so many things I know now I wish I had known twenty, maybe even thirty years ago. As a teenager, it would have been great to be less self-conscious (and also to have known some skin remedies). It would have also have been great to know when to cut certain people loose – because they did the same to me, more a drifting apart than a fall out… I would have also have had an idea about which battles were not worth fighting and which types of people were not worth following. One person gave me continuous trouble for nearly a decade – I feel so much better since I ignore him, because we simply don’t fight and he doesn’t get to attack me. I apologized and I conceded to him a number of times, but he had no intention of reconciliation.
There is also one character in my ward who I cut off contact with. When we were Facebook “friends”, he was always at my throat and at other people’s (so nothing personal). It was a dilemma because he is very ill, and I finally rationalized it by realizing he is in care so if he has health trouble, medical people can be there in minutes, and I can do little to help him in those times. My HT companion told me to “Be a man,” and apologize to him. I pointed out that I have on numerous occasions and I don’t hate him, I just know that if we are in contact he’ll start arguing with me (as he does with others) and that will be no good to either of us since I’ll react badly. On some occasions, he’ll say something wrong, and I don’t even bother correcting him – he stated a Spanish word was French for example… and if I said anything then it would be unproductive If he wants me to move stuff around in his apartment, I’ll help out, but I can’t hang out with him.
SilentDawning wrote:
I have been in situations where people have called me out for certain things. I then apologize as I didn’t realize it offended them, and they keep on berating me. The only way out of it is to remove myself from the situation.
That is always the risk of apologizing. You’ve done your part. That’s all that is required IMO.
We aren’t always reconciled with the other person.
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