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I’m trying to think of “offensive testimonies”, I’ve heard. Luckily they are infrequent here, but women seem more inclined to give them than men – no idea why that is. Somewhat like attacks on missionaries, it’s something I’m surprised doesn’t happen more often. One that used to be common was that someone would complain about the “lack of priesthood holders” offering testimonies, to shame the men into coming up. Again, 9/10 it would be a
womanwho said this, by the way, not a man. Personally, I couldn’t care whether men or women were speaking, just as long as I found it enjoyable. (No small children though – I never “dug” that.) We used to get an occasional one which dealt with gays. When I say occasional, you’re talking once a year if that. None of them were graphic, thank goodness. (We had a similar thing in Sunday School once – not the teacher I might add – but at least one of our members offered her own counter POV.) On the flipside, I’ve heard rumors from other wards that sometimes LGBT activists have started deep tonguing and groping each other on the stand as some kind of protest – but that’s something which is inappropriate for different reasons.
On one occasion, a visitor commented on the number of Chinese converts offering testimony and the lack of locals. Our Chinese converts tend to be students (probably one or two spies – yes, they’re around too) and don’t stay long. I actually got up after that, offered my own testimony and mentioned in passing how wonderful I thought it was that we had new members from China, especially given the fact that their government had tried to destroy Christianity, and told them that they were extremely welcome here. I also mentioned that salvation was for all God’s children and that I prayed against the repression of religion worldwide. I could feel the previous speaker staring daggers at me, but didn’t make eye contact with her.
I should add another one. One I believe is common elsewhere, but very rare here. When a single member starts advertizing their availability on the stand. It comes over as desperate. I mean, I’d like to marry a beautiful and good-natured lady too, but you won’t see me up there begging.
SamBee: There was one guy (and his wife) in a ward I was in decades ago who totally used F&T meeting to lobby for being called as the next bishop. Our current bishop was close to the end of his tenure. He did this the way Mrs. Elton talks about forming a musical club in Emma. He would say, “I know there’s a lot of talk that I should be the next bishop, and I wish people would quit saying that. Of course, I would serve in any way I was asked, but it’s not a calling I seek after, but clearly I would love any opportunity to help and to serve, even if it had to be something like that. But the nursery would be fine for me, just as noble.” It was just gross. F&T meetings can be tedious. I also cringe at the little kids rehearsing the same drivel — I want to bear my testimony, I know the church is true (no you don’t, you’re not even sure about Santa Claus), I know that president nelson is a true prophet (you still can’t tie your shoes), and Joseph Smith is a true prophet (you keep using that word.. I’m not sure it means what you think it means), I love my mom and dad (ok, now you said something I believe) and my brothers and sisters (that’s not what you were saying yesterday), namaJesuschristamen. What’s worse is when teenagers get up and say essentially the same thing. Even worse is when a parent holds a kid on their hip in front of the microphone and says that little Suzy just begged to get up and bear her testimony but now little Suzy won’t even repeat the drivel that Mom is whispering in her ear.
Every now and then I’ll hear something worth listening to, rarer yet something edifying to me. Our ward also has a guy that seems to like using testimony time and prayer time to preach sermons, so my family immediately puts him on the stop watch and makes over under bets (when in doubt, take the over.. just saying).
We also have this game we call testimony pool that we very irreverently play on our phones. The rules are simple: identify the people who are going to bear their testimony that day. Lock in your votes before the bishopric member conducting gets up to give his testimony (he doesn’t count, of course). One point for every person correctly identified. Minus one for each miss.
Maybe it’s the spirit telling us, but after a while you get pretty accurate if you pay attention to who was baptized, who has family visiting, who is moving, etc.
Some of my family has argued that we should tally the points differently, that the little Magillicuty girl who starts walking up before the bishop sits down should not count as much as Brother NoTie Johnson who hasn’t born a testimony this century. So we’ve allowed a long shot vote that doesn’t count against but basically gives you the win if you can hit it. One time my SIL picked me. Yeah, I considered it, but.. that would have given him the win!
I always felt the congregation should be able to heckle the person on the stand when warranted, like in the British Parliament. I could never get anyone else on board with my suggestion unfortunately. 
Limhah wrote:
I always felt the congregation should be able to heckle the person on the stand when warranted, like in the British Parliament. I could never get anyone else on board with my suggestion unfortunately.
That would be fun, even in regular SM!
I guess I’m fortunate in that we’re spared the children’s “testimonies” in our ward. Many years ago I was in a ward where they were quite common, and it doesn’t sound like things have changed a bit. FWIW, the handbook does contain some wording discouraging the practice (at least it used to). Probably some GAs encountering the same thing, or just recalling their pre-GA days. Cnsl1 wrote:
We also have this game we call testimony pool that we very irreverently play on our phones. The rules are simple: identify the people who are going to bear their testimony that day. Lock in your votes before the bishopric member conducting gets up to give his testimony (he doesn’t count, of course). One point for every person correctly identified. Minus one for each miss.Maybe it’s the spirit telling us, but after a while you get pretty accurate if you pay attention to who was baptized, who has family visiting, who is moving, etc.
Some of my family has argued that we should tally the points differently, that the little Magillicuty girl who starts walking up before the bishop sits down should not count as much as Brother NoTie Johnson who hasn’t born a testimony this century. So we’ve allowed a long shot vote that doesn’t count against but basically gives you the win if you can hit it. One time my SIL picked me. Yeah, I considered it, but.. that would have given him the win!
This sounds awesome and helpful to make church meetings more engaging. We all have coping methods.
:thumbup: hawkgrrrl wrote:
SamBee: There was one guy (and his wife) in a ward I was in decades ago who totally used F&T meeting to lobby for being called as the next bishop. Our current bishop was close to the end of his tenure. He did this the way Mrs. Elton talks about forming a musical club in Emma. He would say, “I know there’s a lot of talk that I should be the next bishop, and I wish people would quit saying that. Of course, I would serve in any way I was asked, but it’s not a calling I seek after, but clearly I would love any opportunity to help and to serve, even if it had to be something like that. But the nursery would be fine for me, just as noble.” It was just gross.
Pass the sick bag, Alice!!! I’m not an Austen fan, so I don’t get the reference, but I can imagine. People had better be careful what they wish for. I think being a bishop is probably one of the toughest and thankless callings in the church. One might get some glory from it, but also a lot less time to yourself, and the blame for anything that goes wrong in the ward.
I sincerely hope he wasn’t called. Like you say, gross”.
DarkJedi wrote:
Limhah wrote:
I always felt the congregation should be able to heckle the person on the stand when warranted, like in the British Parliament. I could never get anyone else on board with my suggestion unfortunately.
That would be fun, even in regular SM!
I’m sure they’d heckle the wrong people!
Maybe we need a blanket ban on the phrases “I know” and “is true”, and a thesaurus on the podium alongside the scriptures.
One of the things that first drew me to LDS was the F&T meetings. I had previously checked out the Quakers who as you may know make spontaneous talk or testimony a primary part of their service, “waiting on the Lord.” Members sit quietly until someone is moved to get up and say a few words about anything that crosses their mind. I’ve usually found these spontaneous meetings more interesting and beneficial than planned sermons. SamBee wrote:
DarkJedi wrote:
Limhah wrote:
I always felt the congregation should be able to heckle the person on the stand when warranted, like in the British Parliament. I could never get anyone else on board with my suggestion unfortunately.
That would be fun, even in regular SM!
I’m sure they’d heckle the wrong people!
Maybe we need a blanket ban on the phrases “I know” and “is true”, and a thesaurus on the podium alongside the scriptures.
hahaha, good point. Expanding our vocabulary would be great. Truth is I don’t think most members notice that GAs in their conference addresses rarely use those phrases themselves any more.
Limhah wrote:
One of the things that first drew me to LDS was the F&T meetings. I had previously checked out the Quakers who as you may know make spontaneous talk or testimony a primary part of their service, “waiting on the Lord.” Members sit quietly until someone is moved to get up and say a few words about anything that crosses their mind. I’ve usually found these spontaneous meetings more interesting and beneficial than planned sermons.
I have long admired Quakers and their theology.
Early on and in my more orthodox days I also found F&TM to be my favorites. Probably something about the shorter sermons appealed in addition to the affirmation. I usually didn’t tend to lose interest and be done before they were as often happens with a regular SM talk. Nowadays I mostly try to tune out of all of it from the git-go.
I don’t know a lot about Quaker theology and certainly don’t support a lot of their ancillary organizations but I was attracted to their congregational organization which seemed (to me) largely based on quasi-independent small groups and flat hierarchy. For some reason I expected something similar for Mormon groups based on the small amount of research I had done into early church development. Limhah wrote:
I had previously checked out the Quakers who as you may know make spontaneous talk or testimony a primary part of their service, “waiting on the Lord.” Members sit quietly until someone is moved to get up and say a few words about anything that crosses their mind. I’ve usually found these spontaneous meetings more interesting and beneficial than planned sermons.
I have memories from childhood of a few times I went to to church with my grandparents where that was the format. It’s been a long time, I don’t remember the denomination, but I want to say that it was some flavor of Baptist.
Random people got up during the meeting to talk about whatever subject they wanted to talk about for as long as they wanted to talk about it. That format made the length of the meeting variable. I don’t think that there was much pressure on the average attendee to say anything; from what I understand the same two or three people spoke every Sunday – the official unofficial preachers for the congregation.
Come to think of it, that doesn’t sound all that different from our typical F&T meeting. Maybe both practices evolved from a similar origin point. Maybe F&T meeting is a small glimpse into what church services were like a few hundred years ago.
DarkJedi wrote:
SamBee wrote:
DarkJedi wrote:That would be fun, even in regular SM!
I’m sure they’d heckle the wrong people!
Maybe we need a blanket ban on the phrases “I know” and “is true”, and a thesaurus on the podium alongside the scriptures.
hahaha, good point. Expanding our vocabulary would be great. Truth is I don’t think most members notice that GAs in their conference addresses rarely use those phrases themselves any more.
It just becomes boring! One can express the same sentiments in different words anyway.
We get so hung up on the Lord’s Prayer but some of us produce the same testimony practically word on word.
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