When to tell others about faith crisis/transition

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I’ve been struggling with my faith transition for just about a year now. This site and the great advice and perspectives on it have been very helpful.

One of the things I saw once on a list of how to handle faith transitions (I think it was on this site) was “Take it slow.” The idea is not to rush out and tell everyone at church or in your family/friend network that you’re having doubts. I took that advice to heart and haven’t talked to anyone except my very supportive wife (who went through a similar transition unbeknownst to me about three to six months before I started).

The question I need help with now is: When is the appropriate time to start sharing with others that you’re having a faith transition/crisis? My faith in the church has plummeted over the last six months, despite my honest efforts to hold it up, to re-think it, to revise it, and to re-form it. It’s turning out to be a much harder process than I thought. I don’t think I can keep up the status quo facade for much longer, particularly because I was called to be the ward mission leader a few months into my transition. My poor bishop thinks I’m the guy who’s going to re-vitalize missionary work in our ward, when the truth is that right now I couldn’t honestly recommend to anyone that they join the church, I’m thinking about not attending at all any more, and I have many days when I wish I had never been Mormon at all. At what point does it become dishonest to keep going? I realize now that I should have turned the calling down but, ironically, I accepted it in part because I didn’t want to draw attention to my faith crisis. But now it doesn’t seem fair to him or me to keep up with the current arrangement.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts,

p

[Anonymous]

pas2111 wrote:

Hi all,

I’ve been struggling with my faith transition for just about a year now. This site and the great advice and perspectives on it have been very helpful.

One of the things I saw once on a list of how to handle faith transitions (I think it was on this site) was “Take it slow.” The idea is not to rush out and tell everyone at church or in your family/friend network that you’re having doubts. I took that advice to heart and haven’t talked to anyone except my very supportive wife (who went through a similar transition unbeknownst to me about three to six months before I started).

The question I need help with now is: When is the appropriate time to start sharing with others that you’re having a faith transition/crisis? My faith in the church has plummeted over the last six months, despite my honest efforts to hold it up, to re-think it, to revise it, and to re-form it. It’s turning out to be a much harder process than I thought. I don’t think I can keep up the status quo facade for much longer, particularly because I was called to be the ward mission leader a few months into my transition. My poor bishop thinks I’m the guy who’s going to re-vitalize missionary work in our ward, when the truth is that right now I couldn’t honestly recommend to anyone that they join the church, I’m thinking about not attending at all any more, and I have many days when I wish I had never been Mormon at all. At what point does it become dishonest to keep going? I realize now that I should have turned the calling down but, ironically, I accepted it in part because I didn’t want to draw attention to my faith crisis. But now it doesn’t seem fair to him or me to keep up with the current arrangement.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts,

p

You are so not alone! I finally had to tell my bishop of my faith crisis after being called to teach Primary! I knew it would be too difficult to bear testimony of the lesson, so I finally had to tell my bishop my problem. He has been so understanding, he is now my Stake President. I’m now coming to the point that I don’t know if I should renew my recommend. It’s a very difficult road to be on. But by telling the bishop, I don’t think he will tell many people, but then again I don’t know what goes on in ward Council meetings these days. My husband is sort of on the same page as I am, so luckily I’m not battling him now, we did in the beginning. I’m glad your wife is aware and has been through it too, so she can understand. Good luck, wish there were perfect answers.

[Anonymous]

pas2111,

It really is an individual thing… and I don’t mean specifically you as the individual. I had my faith crisis when Bill Clinton was President. I still have friends and family members that I haven’t told, simply because there is no need. I have other friends and family that were aware very soon. So, each situation, each person is different.

The one thing I would say is don’t let yourself get trapped. You accepted a calling, in part to avoid having to come out of the closet. Now, you feel like you are not able to live up to what you committed to, and you are not able to ask for a release because it’s even more awkward than not accepting the calling would have been. From my own experience, I can tell you that that behavior can result in a downward spiral.

I agree with the advice you’ve gleaned, to take it slow. Part of the ‘transition’ is that you have to figure out where you want your life to go from here. Not long ago, if you are like me, it was all very clear, and now you struggle with your involvement in the church, how to act around family, whether to be religious at all. These are fundamental aspects of your life that have been thrown into a blender without a lid and sprayed all over the kitchen. Going slow allows you to settle on what feels best for you. Going too fast can put you in a situation in which your path is set, even if you didn’t intend it to be that way. But in going slow, you have to be true to yourself. If you don’t think you can be the ward mission leader, but you stay in it, you might compound the problem.

It’s easier said than done, but IMO, the thing anyone should do in a faith transition is to figure out whether and how much to stay involved with the church, looking solely at their own situation, and what is right for them, but to do so without regard to external pressures. Callings, expectations of friends and family, trying to keep up appearances can have a devastating affect on your clarity for your own self-determination.

[Anonymous]

I feel it is kind of like a stomach flu. It’s probably not really something others need details on bathroom visits or stuff you are suffering fro, even if those things are very real to you. Sometimes discretion is a good thing. Others don’t NEED details. But perhaps it is appropriate at certain times behind a bishops door when talking of callings or other things.

I thing it has been hard for me at times to manage the desire to want to be heard and understood.

That is where this forum can be helpful and safe.

My problem telling others is where to start the story. I’ve been so deep into the thoughts and journey that it hasn’t been received well from others who haven’t experienced it to know what I’m talking about.

I guess I just would say that perhaps never is a good time. Perhaps only in safe conditions among a few trusted friends.

I have found it easy to stay busy doing my Mormon thing, right alongside my ward members, and the subject doesn’t come up so I don’t bring it up.

[Anonymous]

I’m relatively new to my faith crisis, about 6 months or so, and sometimes I wonder the same thing. My husband knows about my struggles and feelings and is very supportive. I also struggle with my calling. I teach the gospel doctrine class on the D&C and church history.

On Own Now wrote:

It’s easier said than done, but IMO, the thing anyone should do in a faith transition is to figure out whether and how much to stay involved with the church, looking solely at their own situation, and what is right for them, but to do so without regard to external pressures. Callings, expectations of friends and family, trying to keep up appearances can have a devastating affect on your clarity for your own self-determination.

I totally agree with this statement. It’s what I feel like I need to do now. It’s difficult because those external pressures can be crushing at times and due to what another poster in another thread called the many outward markers of righteousness employed by the church, making the changes necessary for your own journey can sometimes subject you to judgments and criticism from others. Obviously I have no profound answer for you. Do what feels right for you and your family. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

In LDS culture, I think you need to be very careful in regards to what you share about your personal beliefs regarding religion. Growing up a Protestant, I never felt scared to share my personal beliefs. It was just not a big issue.

It is my personal opinion that among many LDS, religious transition outside of the faith is not acceptable. Therefore, you need to be careful. What I find fascinating is that many people in the LDS church want to share their crisis/transition publicly. Personally I think this is a mistake. Due to the unacceptability of a faith transition in LDS culture, I believe many people will find a bad backlash when sharing their new personal beliefs.

I think we need to make our faith transition and not worry or concern ourselves with what others in the church think. However, that is easier said then done!

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe there is ever a good time. The culture is so strong that if you share divergent ideas, people write you off. It also makes it harder to come back again. And if you do come back, you will likely be denied opportunities for service you might want. WE’ve had people report Bishops that also make you prove your renewed faithfulness if you want to come back by paying tithing, or doing other things before they will grant you certain priviledges. Some of the descriptions sound very extreme to me and heavy-handed.

So, I would keep it to yourself, and rely on reasonable excuses.

If they are family or loved ones…well, that is hard. I don’t know how to handle that. I broached the subject with my daughter and she broke into tears when I explained something I believed that was not the party line, and had to back-pedal when I saw the devastation in her face. The gospel brings her peace and I don’t want to disturb that.

[Anonymous]

I am becoming known as the doubting high councilor because I have mentioned in many of my talks that I have doubts and issues with church, but at the same time my SP is aware of of my struggles. I just do it all with respect and with some humor. I also take responsibility and ownership of my doubts. To tell you the truth, it is very liberating to be honest with my feelings and not worry about what others think. I don’t go into any details about the issues unless it is one on one and even that is very limited. I just couldn’t stand living a lie. I couldn’t do it any longer but I am really trying to make all this work for me and I figure I would rather have people know that up front. If the SP has issues with me then he can release me. I feel better since coming clean and my stress is a lot less. Members are nice to others who struggle and want to help but they get nerveous around apostates so I play the role of struggling High Councilors and fight for others going through the same thing. Besides, I am trying to figure things for me and even though I am trying to bring chances to the church, I am not telling others how to live or believe.

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