Where do I fit in, in the LDS world?

[Anonymous]

First I want to apologize for being incoherent and for probably being a heretic. I have thought about this for a long time because when I am in church and around people I hide most of myself from view because I really have never fit in.

I grew up thinking I was conservative, or calling it conservative because well, that’s the way I was indoctrinated. But after searching the past of myself(I can’t remember over half my life except in flash backs). So it takes a long time to uncover and talk to people who knew you, hypnotize(if, when it works), old papers I wrote etc. I compare that to where I am now after going through de-indoctrination training(as far as it is possible). I have to say what I thought I was isn’t what I thought I was. That is to say I begin to understand maybe why I don’t fit in and maybe why stuff happened the way it did.

From heavy personal and outer experience as well as independent investigation. Things have defined me sense youth into understanding behavior, control, marginalization etc.

I see I have much in common with Eric Fromm, Hugh Nibley, Hugh B. Brown, Chieko Okazaki, humanitarian, biocentrism, Ecocentrism, reinhold Niebuhr, Peter senge, a lot with Noam Chomsky, a lot with john muir, Ralph Waldo Emerson etc.

I wonder, holy cow, I am not the person I thought I was, yes my actions are very conservative but my mind, my thoughts and experiences, I was taught I was conservative I was very Mormon but my thoughts don’t seem to line up.

So that lives me with where I fit in the LDS picture. Many of my thoughts would seem radical to most/almost all. I think I know why I was treated the way I was. It must have been scary to hear these thoughts from

A 9,12,16 yo. Let alone now. I’m not sure how I can contribute inside this sphere of LDSness.

My own experience and constant searching and investigation seem to have shaped a very different person from childhood onward. I will never be satisfied with standard answers or complacent with the status qou.

Since I am a never ending seeker, quester type by core. But I content with with, those that I interact with in the LDS so sphere or not. But then I read things by various teachings in past and by some more modern like high b brown and chieko and many quotes by many prophets in our past and go, well maybe I am. But most of not all those quotes that I relate to in the Mormoness are not taught or used, in fact many today teach or quote the other quotes that make me cringe and unhappy to be alive, let alone Mormon.

Long story short, you can see how I mix in with LDSness, but many of my thoughts are considered radical. From time to time it will creep up by accident and I have never shared these thoughts with anyone inside the church but feel so alone inside of it.

So please ask for help or input if you know and understand the people I mentioned above and the thoughts and personality. Where do I or can I fit in(especially servings or callings). And how if it is possible. To date I have never found a way, just suppressed self almost completely inside church and LDS people mostly because even expressing 1/10 of some of these ideas from those people got my head bitten off.

Bit I looking to go long term service in the LDS world, where or how so I for into it though?

Can I? What are your thoughts and experiences if any? Please, thanks in advance. Sorry for rambling.

[Anonymous]

Funny you should ask, FC. Just today I was reading a talk from GC that I particularly like part of. The talk was in April 2008 by Joseph B. Wirthlin, and here’s a quote from a part near the beginning:

Quote:

Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don’t belong. Perhaps because they are different, they find themselves slipping away from the flock. They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.

Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.

I highlighted a few parts that I thought were indicative of what you’re saying, please excuse me if I am misunderstanding.

And we have my hero, Pres. Uchtdorf last October conference:

Quote:

Some might say, “I just don’t fit in with you people in the Church.”

If you could see into our hearts, you would probably find that you fit in better than you suppose. You might be surprised to find that we have yearnings and struggles and hopes similar to yours. Your background or upbringing might seem different from what you perceive in many Latter-day Saints, but that could be a blessing. Brothers and sisters, dear friends, we need your unique talents and perspectives. The diversity of persons and peoples all around the globe is a strength of this Church….If these are your desires, then regardless of your circumstances, your personal history, or the strength of your testimony, there is room for you in this Church. Come, join with us!

I don’t know much about some of the people you mention, but I do know that Hugh Nibley, Hugh B. Brown, and Cheiko Okazaki fit into the church and I know that B.H. Roberts fit in. I have come to realize that I fit in – even though I thought I didn’t. There is room for every instrument in God’s orchestra, but sometimes I think we need to be like the tuba or the trumpet and make that known to others.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same position a year or two ago. The SS lesson was on the three degrees of glory and it challenged me to the core.

A once and for all eternity judgment based mainly upon our mortal actions????? This chafed against my internal yearnings so strongly that I wondered if I was compatible with Mormonism. Where was grace, where was progress, where was love?

At the time some posters here at StayLDS helped to show me that some things about the afterlife aren’t perfectly understood and that it is ok to be live Mormonism differently – even if those differences go against the majority. The voice of Mormonism is not as uniform as it may appear.

I’m not saying that it is easy. I rarely attend Sunday school because it makes me feel isolated and misunderstood. I don’t have a TR and I’m sure that some see me as struggling/lazy/liberal.

One thing that helps is to not let Mormonism define me – it is just a church. It doesn’t hold the secrets to life and happiness. It does not stand between me and my God. I give it what I can and I feel is appropriate and I don’t feel guilty about not doing any more than that.

I hope that helps.

P.S. I have really enjoyed your posts – you bring a lot to the discussion.

[Anonymous]

You fit in if you can carve out your fit.

Sometimes, it’s fairly easy; sometimes, it’s quite hard; sometimes, it’s very difficult; sometimes, it’s impossible.

It depends on the person and their personality, and it depends on the local congregation – and it can be helped tremendously by a top leader or two acknowledging that differences are okay.

[Anonymous]

The whole three degrees of glory and no moving to other kingdoms for all eternity, “worlds without end,” has been a source of great anxiety for me, as well. I have no fear of going to hell, but I have struggled with the fear of going to heaven and being told, “Sorry, you get to live in paradise, but you don’t get to live in the greatest part of paradise, with your Father and Mother, because you weren’t faithful enough in life and, well, there is nothing you can do for all eternity to progress any further.”

It seems like a very raw deal in a mortal world where none of us know anything with certainty. I have read some accounts of near-death experiences that imply character growth changes much slower, if at all, in the next life, however. Because of that, I have this fear at times that if I just don’t grow enough, I am going to be stuck the way I am in the next life, as far as character goes, and that I will no longer know how to continue to grow in love, compassion, faith, and charity. That I will only be able to grow in knowledge and abilities, but not virtue. Just saying this out loud seems really ludicrous. Brigham Young does say that progression as a spirit happens much slower than the change we can effect as mortals. I am okay with that. It means I still get to change, and I have eternity to do it. I like the idea that mortality is an accelerated growth plan, because it is so challenging and painful and requires so much faith. But I also need to know that I am not building some eternal brick wall, through my mortal actions, that I will never be able to pass, throughout all eternity.

[Anonymous]

thalmar, read 1 Corinthians 13 as a description of God and how God interacts with us. I think it might help with your concern.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, Ray. That really helped, and in more ways than what I was just talking about in my post. It was actually very timely for what has been on my mind.

[Author]

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