Where do i start…….

[Anonymous]

Im glad i found this site, maybe you all can help me.

To give you some background, I did grow up in the church, but i never really understood or applied the principles to my life. I grew up surviving on my parents testimony. I grew up with an image that HF was a strict God. I felt like when i did stupid things he would punish the crap outa me. ( To this day i still feel like that, if i dont go to church, i feel like something really bad is gonna happen to me, but thats a story for another time)

When i was around 18 i became very promiscuous. I had sex with guys cause i thought they would like/love me back. I thought i felt a power to control them. I was drinking , using a few drugs, etc. I did ALOT of gross and stupid things. I didint care about anything. This went on till i was about 20 or so. I wanted to repent so ” i thought i repented ” by praying, talking and confessing to HF. My 21st Bday was nearing and my family started pressuring me about puting my papers in to go on a mission. In my mind, i thought i was forgiven, and i thought that if this was the wrong thing for me, HF would do something to prevent me from going. Alas, I put my papers in, i had ZERO problems. I lied in the interviews, everything went well. Nothing happened to me that would prevent me from going.

During the course of my mission i finally learned the gospel. I understood everything. I finally gained my own testimony. I promised myself that as soon as i got home, i would clear things up with the bishop. I was afraid to go home earlier if i confessed to my Mission President. I wanted to, but i was so afraid of the sorrow id put my family through.

I came home, it took me awhile to get the courage to go to the bishop. I came into contact with old friends and i soon began partying again. I was drinking and having sex again. I think about it now and i had such low and poor self esteem. I decided enough was enough, because in my heart i new i has to get married in the temple,and i finally went to the bishop . i was not able to clear anything up because at the time i was applying to go to a school and if i got accepted i would have to move. Well i did get accepted and i moved. I thought great! I can start new, nobody will know me. I ended up going to a YSA ward and i went to the bishop. I confessed everything i could remember since i was 18. Had a court, i was disfellowshipped for a year.

A few months after all this had happened i got married. I told my husband mostly everything. He didint care and our goal was to overcome this and get married in the temple. Time goes by, we end up moving wards, we become a little inactive, and we move to another city. During this time, i was not following up with any bishop. In our new area, i finally followed up. I relayed everything to this new bishop, he got in touch with my old YSA bishop. He decided we would meet once a month and he would then decide when to reinstate me.

All this time i felt a nagging feeling. Well i end up remembering some things that i hadnt told the YSA bishop. I didint not tell him on purpose. Its just that these things were buried somewhere in a dark hole in my brain. I hadnt thought of these events. Well i couldnt decide whether these things mattered of not, but i ended up telling this new bishop. He tells me i have to move on.

well we end up moving again. We became a little inactive again, and finally decided on a ward. I go to this new bishop, relay everything once again. He checks the facts, I dont think he knew about the extra stuff i remebered and confessed. Anyways i have a meeting with him and his counselors, they interview me. I finally get reinstated back into church. Whew i was happy i could finally move on. I was really excited.

OK, now my problem is this. I still feel crappy, torn up, guilty, i cant forgive myself, sad, depressed, regretful about the things ive done. I cant seem to shake it off. I cant move on. I dont know why. I think about the things ive done, and i sink. Even though im back to full fellowship, i feel like i shouldnt be. What do you think? Is it Satan just being a douchebag with me or what? What else should i do. I cant forgive myself. I want to get sealed to my family and i feel like something is holding me back.

I admit i dont scripture study, i only pray when i eat, i havent been going to church that often lately, we dont have FHE> I dont do the small and basic things. we do pay our tithing though. My testimony is ittty bitty. I feel no desire to do any of these things. Just out of pure laziness sometimes. I need feedback. Please help me figure this out. Sorry its soo long.

[Anonymous]

Welcome, GreenFolder.

I’m sorry things are so rough. There is always a difference of opinion on whether we forgive ourselves and forget…of if we can never really forget. I will tell you however, that many people feel down and can’t forgive themselves whether they are active in the church or not in the church, whether they’ve repented or not repented. Sometimes there are separate reasons for this, some are related to spirituality and some are not.

I think what I’m trying to say is that in my experience, I have learned there is more to life than church, and sometimes we put too much emphasis on Satan or the Spirit for the source or the fix to all our problems. Although the teachings sometimes seem to express that all problems go away if you seek God, I think the reality is that seeking God helps you get through your problems and grow stronger to learn from your problems, not removes them. God allows things to happen to me, whether I’m a full-tithe payer or not. I get sick whether I obey the Word of Wisdom or not. I think there are lessons to be learned through life’s experiences by realizing this and realizing we absolutely can get comfort through seeking God, but also need to do the proper things ourselves to strengthen our mental and emotional health. I do not think there is a magic pill that takes it all away for us.

Instead, if you engage in some good things, it is more likely that will help you feel happier, and if you are focused on scriptures or good deeds, and you are less likely to spend time thinking of the past. I think there are many ways for you to let go of the past and feel at peace with yourself in the present and move forward. Some may come from other sources like Buddhism or psychological counseling, or they may come from immersing oneself in the gospel and the church. But one way or another, it comes from how you decide to move forward and learn from your experience in this life, and don’t pass all the blame to Satan or Christ.

I wish you well and hope you continue to post on this site with your doubts/fears/feelings and experiences as you work through your trials. There are many people here who care enough to read and post good advice. Thanks for joining the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Welcome, gf. I don’t have enough time right now to respond with any degree of detail, but I do want to welcome you to this community.

[Anonymous]

Sex and drink and depression, these are all things people here can relate to.

But don’t worry, it’s not the end. There is life after them, you can repent and set things right. You can’t go back, but you can go forward.

My advice:

Pray sincerely, read the Book of Mormon and the Bible (or at least the bits that mean something to you) on a regular basis. Endeavor to think and do positive things. When the negative comes into your mind, nip it in the bud. Don’t be irritated by every stupid thing you see a church member do. Let it drop as much as possible. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Make a list of twenty things you enjoy or like about the church. Make a list of say, ten, which you don’t like. See if you can work around them, or if it is down to you, or other individuals. You will be surprised at how many of the negative things can be eradicated.

The church also has its own counseling service, but you don’t have to go to them of course. In fact, in this instance you may need impartial advice.

I also recommend taking up meditation, not very Mormon, I know, but it can help with some things.

[Anonymous]

Welcome – I know exactly what you are going through. I beat myself up for years wondering if I had truly repented and thought the answer was to contantly run to the Bishop. I was finally able to let go and forgive myself once I truly learned about the Atonement. The Savior atoned for every single thing we have done. It MAY be that we need to do some additional things to complete the repentance process but I am not convinced that the Lord really requires ANYTHING except our sincere remorse (through prayer) and efforts to simply continue to do our best – understanding that we WILL stumble again.

I believe we put the weight of guilt upon ourselves. The Savior wants us to move on and do our best IMMEDIATELY. That is what taking the sacrament each Sunday is about. We tend to resist the immediate grace and atonement through our human nature. The Lord simply wants our best efforts and sincere desire to improve in return for his wonderful atonement. He has no interest in seeing us beat ourselves up. I say we work on giving him what he wants and just accept his instant forgiveness with humility and gratitude. Good luck and welcome!

I also believe the type of sin does not change what the Lord requires – sincerity and an effort to improve. I think we humans have put additional requirements on different sins.

[Anonymous]

Good comments Idaho Coug.

It reminded me of the book Believing Christ. GrrenFolder, have ever read that?

[Anonymous]

Hey, Greenie. Welcome to StayLDS. I agree deeply with the wisdom of Heber13’s first reply. There is a lot of experience and wisdom in there.

Also, SamBee’s advice to read the parts of the Sacred Texts that are personally positive is a great idea. We all need positive input.

At this time when you are feeling such a huge burden of shame (consider the difference between that and guilt), it occurs to me that you might find comfort and direction in some of the near death testimonies at Kevin Williams’s web site http://www.near-death.com or at the iands.org site http://www.iands.org/nde_archives/experiencer_accounts/. There may be in those just the healing power of unconditional love you need at this time.

You are okay.

Tom

[Anonymous]

We have guilt for a positive reason – it stops us from repeating past mistakes. However, when it stops us moving on, it becomes negative.

If you do think that patterns of substance abuse are a problem in your life, there is an LDS equivalent to the AA (largely based on it, I believe). I know a couple of people who are in it. To qualify for it, you don’t have to be someone who is still abusing alcohol, but you could be someone who has come back to it again and again over the years…

[Anonymous]

Welcome GF,

Sorry I am a little late to the welcome party. I am travelling and just got another chance to check the forums.

Heber13 wrote:

It reminded me of the book Believing Christ. GrrenFolder, have ever read that?

Absolutely brilliant H13! I will second that recommendation. For the situation you describe GF, I would recommend you read this book and fully embrace it, even on a higher priority level than the scriptures. It is written by a BYU professor and sold through Deseret Books, so it is Mormon-kosher material too I think it is fairly radical though in its presentation of ideas about Christ and the atonement, but only radical in the sense that it conveys much more of the ideas of grace and forgiveness than many of us were raised with. Believing Christ is short, and I don’t even think it costs more than about $7.

Outside of that … to be perfectly honest GF, from what it sounds like, you need to work this out between YOU, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. This may be one of the most important lessons from this experience for you. You have already done all reasonable duty to inform the Church. That was a good idea. You were honest enough. They (various Bishops) have already taken whatever action was needed. I get the distinct impression that you will not get a whole lot more spiritual mileage, if any, out of that confession process.

The Atonement, at some point, must be understood as a deep deep feeling that everything will be OK – that YOU, with all your flaws and mistakes, are totally loved and accepted by God. This to me is the metaphor of personal salvation. You are a screwup. I readily confess to anyone that I am a total screwup. I am not even a very good Mormon (according to other people’s expectations). But I am good at being me. God and I are friends. We’re on the same team. I am going to be just fine. God will do with me as He pleases. I am not worried about the prize I am going to get in the afterlife, or how big my trophy will be in the Celestial Kingdom. I am just going to do what I can to help out God, right here and now, when it really matters. There is no more important time than right now. There is no other time than the present moment.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the advice, i truly appreciate it. Its very comforting to know that i am not alone when i often feel like i am. Funny coincidence, i actually read about ” Believing Christ ” In another website and i ordered it. I got it yesturday and have been reading it. Ill post my thoughts later after i finish it. Thanks again. GF.

[Anonymous]

Wow sounds like a tough road. Welcome. My best advice GF is you need to drop the guilt like a ton of bricks. Pray a lot. Study a lot. If you are in good standing with the Curch keep it that way. I would also say in the future, and this is just my opinion, unless it would cause a divorce, jail-time, or something that would seriously alter your life, keep it between you and God/Heavenly Father.

I can only relate my experience with the bishopric but I wouldn’t feel the need to tell your bishop or stake president everytime you do something that isn’t exactly in line with the church. You will only be miserable. You should follow council when it is good and you feel comfortable with it. I would suggest you take some of the already aforementioned advice in addition to some ‘home-churching’ i.e. do some things at home that brings you spiritual nurishment outside of the church.

Not judging you here at all, that’s not my intent, but I think that if you don’t learn to let go of some of your guilt for your past, you will get into a vicious cycle of inactivity, repententance, guilt, then inactivity.

I’ve seen a few people close to me go through this and I’m going to be one of those to tell you it’s tough. If you can and I’m by no means telling you this is easy but make every effort to balance your life. Supplement your LDS spirituality with other good things. I would even suggest meditation and a lot of silent prayer. Self help media could also be bennificial in quest. ‘Let Go and let God’ is a good phrase to remember. Yesterday was yesterday. What counts is today and tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

GreenFolder wrote:

Thanks all for the advice, i truly appreciate it. Its very comforting to know that i am not alone when i often feel like i am. Funny coincidence, i actually read about ” Believing Christ ” In another website and i ordered it. I got it yesturday and have been reading it. Ill post my thoughts later after i finish it. Thanks again. GF.

I’m super interested to hear your thoughts on this book as it applies to your situation. If you feel comfortable, please do share! One of my fav things about this site is hearing others’ thoughts on the materials so I can expand my view.

[Author]

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