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Heber13 wrote:wendell wrote:
…actually walking into the guy’s office yesterday was nearly unbearable – I did it though.
I knew you could, buddy. Don’t run along this path faster than you have strength…but remember its a marathon and keep the pace. What’s your next step?
Well, I gave the guy a bunch of my writings that more fully explain who I am and what I’m about (thanks for the idea TH). He is going to go through them all and meet with me again next week. We disussed a lot of the big issues in my life, and he actually had some very profound observations about the correlation between my relationship with my Mother and the relationship I have with my wife and kids. It was obvious he cared.
It was honestly the first time in my entire life I have felt like someone truly listened to me without judging me for my oddness, if that makes any sense. I’ve seen other therapists, but they almost always start out with the “quit sinning and repent” schtick that is so common in this area. I’ve always felt like there are reasons people make bad choices, and it’s not always that they are just bad people. It’s not that I am trying to pass the buck of responsibilty, but situations and circumstances sometimes need to bear part of the responsibility for why we make certain decisions. This particular therapist absolutely understands that.
This is one of my major issues with some church leaders – it’s almost as if some bishops/stake presidents could not care less about why people do what they do, and only care about the sin itself. I have always felt like God is a lot less judgemental and a lot more forgiving than are any of us and that we should be more like him. I believe we need to care more about the person, and not so much about what they do.
When I first went to my bishop to “confess”, the first thing he did was immediately jump right to the “here are the possible punishments” routine without pausing to ask about me. One simple question of, “Are you okay” would have done wonders for my emotional health and for my desire to continue attending church. Obviously I am not okay, or I would not have asked to meet with him in the first place, but that was seemingly unimportant to him. It was a disappointing experience, and I sure don’t want to repeat it.
The man I met with yesterday was only concerned about me and not the crap I may have been involved in recently. He simply wanted to listen and help me understand myself better. It was a great experience, although exceptionally draining. I’m nervous about next week, but I live my life feeling nervous and anxious so that’s nothing new. Thanks for asking about me…and for caring.
wendell wrote:It was honestly the first time in my entire life I have felt like someone truly listened to me without judging me for my oddness, if that makes any sense. I’ve seen other therapists, but they almost always start out with the “quit sinning and repent” schtick that is so common in this area. I’ve always felt like there are reasons people make bad choices, and it’s not always that they are just bad people. It’s not that I am trying to pass the buck of responsibilty, but situations and circumstances sometimes need to bear part of the responsibility for why we make certain decisions. This particular therapist absolutely understands that.
I’m incredibly happy to read the above. What a miracle. You have found a loving and competent therapist. And it sounds like you have some key understandings of love that are probably at the base of your successful parenting. We didn’t come to this earth because we are a bunch of devils ever ready to spring unless checked. We came because we are noble, courageous, loving souls. We are just sick. We are wounded children. Love does wonders. Healing can happen.
I hope you stick with it. My own counseling session last night also went very well. And my counselor thanked me repeatedly for providing him written material to review. So I am right in step with you.
Tom Haws wrote:wendell wrote:It was honestly the first time in my entire life I have felt like someone truly listened to me without judging me for my oddness, if that makes any sense. I’ve seen other therapists, but they almost always start out with the “quit sinning and repent” schtick that is so common in this area. I’ve always felt like there are reasons people make bad choices, and it’s not always that they are just bad people. It’s not that I am trying to pass the buck of responsibilty, but situations and circumstances sometimes need to bear part of the responsibility for why we make certain decisions. This particular therapist absolutely understands that.
I’m incredibly happy to read the above. What a miracle. You have found a loving and competent therapist. And it sounds like you have some key understandings of love that are probably at the base of your successful parenting. We didn’t come to this earth because we are a bunch of devils ever ready to spring unless checked. We came because we are noble, courageous, loving souls. We are just sick. We are wounded children. Love does wonders. Healing can happen.
I hope you stick with it. My own counseling session last night also went very well. And my counselor thanked me repeatedly for providing him written material to review. So I am right in step with you.
Oh, it was a great experience and it never would have happened if I had not somehow found the courage to post a bit about my situation on this board. Where that courage came from, I will never know. Seriously folks, one week ago I was completely done with ever asking for help again, and then I found some truly loving and incredible people on this board who gave me the encouragement, motivation, desire, courage, and ability to try once more. I am very grateful to you all. I know that this is going to be an exceptionally tough road, but I now know I can at least try.
I’m touched by the depth of the journey you are undertaking. I’m not going to pretend that I understand your situation or mindset, but what you are saying is almost exactly what I went through as well. And it was so fantastic to be able to talk to my counselor without fear of anything. I could actually be more honest with my counselor than I could with myself sometimes! It’s such a blessing and comfort. I’m so happy to hear about your experiences and echo what you said about this forum; it’s been unbelievably helpful to me and my journey as well.
Wendell, I am so humbled by your strength in the face of adversity. Its easy to have faith and be strong when everything is going great. But it takes real faith to reach out your hand when its been slapped in the past. Hang in there! pinkpatent wrote:Wendell, I am so humbled by your strength in the face of adversity. Its easy to have faith and be strong when everything is going great. But it takes real faith to reach out your hand when its been slapped in the past. Hang in there!
Thank you for the kind words of support. I am humbled by the willingness of people on this board to care so much about a complete stranger who is a 41 year old, insecure, lonely, inactive, married man on the verge of divorce, with nowhere else to turn but an anonymous message board on the internet. I truly have felt the love of Christ on here recently…and I definitely need it.
Tom Haws wrote:Katzpur wrote:but what’s with this attitude of hers? How can she let you work 2 to 3 full-time jobs and refuse to work more than 10 hours per week herself? I’m sorry, but that just strikes me as unbelievably selfish on her part.
And having one spouse home most of the time is a great blessing! Sometimes reducing the expenditures is the best answer. Only wendell and DW can figure that out.
I realize that, but it really doesn’t sound to me as if the workload is fairly distributed. Plus, I don’t know what benefit it is to children to have a mom who is pretty much always around if the dad is hardly ever home. Kids need both parents in their lives. I’m just saying that I know so many LDS women who are insistent upon staying home to raise the kids “like the Lord wants.” Meanwhile, the kids have almost no interaction with their dad because he’s working two or three jobs. But again, I realize that I’m zeroing in on just one tiny fraction of the problem. You guys are all offering such great advice. Maybe I’ll just sit back and watch.
Katzpur wrote:You guys are all offering such great advice. Maybe I’ll just sit back and watch.
Please keep sharing, Katzpur. I love your posts!
Katzpur wrote:Maybe I’ll just sit back and watch.
Please don’t do that. I absolutely love to hear your perspective on this.
Wendell, how are you feeling today? Have you been able to get in to the dr to start figuring out a treatment plan? just me wrote:Wendell, how are you feeling today? Have you been able to get in to the dr to start figuring out a treatment plan?
Thanks for asking. I have been working on finding some answers, and I was doing better, but I reached the very end of my rope again last night. My 10 year old fell on his face while riding his scooter, probably broke his nose, knocked out several teeth, and mangled his face pretty badly. My wife and I don’t speak to each other, and I was at work, but she didn’t even bother to tell me what happened. She had my older son send me a text letting me know that he fell and bumped his mouth, but that he was going to be okay. I had no idea his teeth were missing or that his face had swelled up so badly. Doesn’t a Father deserve to know those things? He went to the dentist this morning and is seeing an orthodontist this afternoon – I’m just praying surgery is not necessary.
I know this will sound childish and immature, but why does God allow stuff like this to happen to me when I am completely spent physically, spiritually, and emotionally? I don’t need any more stress in my life. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
My perspective? God didn’t allow it to happen to you; God allows it (and much worse) to happen as part of mortality. It isn’t personal, but it is SO hard not to take it personally.
That is a fundamental issue that probably deserves a separate thread.
I am so sorry to hear about your son! I hope and pray surgery isn’t needed. Have you found any sleep solutions? I know how important sleep is in stress reduction.
just me, Thanks for that reminder to slow down and put first things first. I have had a long, hard day – then I was reading lots of posts.
wendell, I am deeply sorry my first response was intellectual rather than heart-sensitive. I also hope and pray you find comfort, that your son is ok and that your pain is lessened in some way – perhaps simply by holding him and crying together.
Old-Timer wrote:just me,
Thanks for that reminder to slow down and put first things first. I have had a long, hard day – then I was reading lots of posts.
wendell, I am deeply sorry my first response was intellectual rather than heart-sensitive. I also hope and pray you find comfort, that your son is ok and that your pain is lessened in some way – perhaps simply by holding him and crying together.
Thank you. I hope so too. And as for your earlier response, it was fine. I’m just completely spent and cannot take any more. I appreciate the kind words.
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