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Looking for some help. I am a TBM? – that’s what my husband says: “A TBM, with a question mark on the end”. I’m new to all these acronyms and forums but I am a believer. My husband has slowly become disaffected over the last 4 years. We have just started to openly talk about it in the past 2 years. I think we both were unaware of what was happening. His faith crisis stemmed from getting burnt out in callings and witnessing the business of the church. I love him and admire his integrity and quest for things that are real. It was very hard for me at first to hear that he was questioning things. Never thought it could happen. Most people in our ward family would be shocked that he is now questioning the worth of staying. I tried to not think about what it meant at first… him questioning things. I could see him struggling though. So I’ve slowly tried to appreciate his perspectives and I think we are really open about it all now. We still defer on a lot of things but have reached some mutual ground. He knows I’m mad at him some days – for taking us down an intellectual path that has forever changed our view of the religion we were both raised to believe was the one true church. This has been the place I put all my hopes and dreams in and now those hopes and dreams look distorted. He understands my mad feelings. I am to the point now that I feel the need to talk about it. With other people. I feel like that is how I sort things out in my mind. My dilemma is that I don’t feel safe talking to anyone for fear of being “found out”. Maybe I care too much about what others think but I know how hard it is to realize the reality of some of the questions and how much it can shake the foundation. I don’t want to cause anyone else pain or even destroy their marriages or relationships with their family. I’ve never been one to talk to my bishop. Can’t even remember ever asking to talk to him – usually him asking to talk to me. And I think it would be a pretty big shock to our current bishop. My husband and I are perceived very differently than I think we should. Not sure why? Just received a new calling and our bishop told my husband and I: “You guys are awesome! We could ask you to do anything and you would do it. You’re like pioneers!” Don’t think he really knows us – I definitely do not feel like a pioneer and I know there are some callings my husband would flat out say no to. I’m feeling trapped and don’t know who to talk to. Who are some of the people you have found safety confiding in?
I have talked to a few close friends but I don’t share everything. I have a sister and BIL that are not active now and I have been the most open with them. I have talked to my SP about a few things but I think it was a mistake. I can’t be too open with my wife but we do have an understanding to some degree and I try to respect that. I am really honest here and that has been a great benefit to me. I would be careful at church because people will look at you differently and even close friends and family will treat you differently if they feel like their life style is coming under attack. I have learned to be very careful. I see changes coming but it not here yet, at least not in my world. If you peruse some of the postings on this board, you will see taht when others have shared their doubts with the membership or the leadership, it rarely ever ends will. Most”confidants” are loyal to the priesthood line, to the organization, and many relish reporting what they know about dissafection in meetings and to their leaders. Also, the local membership tends to turn on you when they feel people have lost their faith. 30 years of dedicated service can mean nothing when they feel you are no longer fully buying into the whole faith aspect of our religion. They revoke TR’s, release people from callings, refuse participation in ordinances or withhold opportunities to service that you might want — all because you have expressed doubt. They will blame the individual for the loss of faith, and never appear to give much credence to the historical, cultural and structural problems with the church that sometimes prompt doubt and lack of commitment.
You are better off sharing your thoughts on online discussion forums. You can make good friends that way. I am thankful for some of the people on this site in particular whose situations I feel I know very well. It is safe because no one is beholden to the local leadership. I realize now that some of the people here I have know for over three years now, and they are my friends.
Also, remember, if you share your doubts locally, you may find you lose the ability to do things you want to do in the future. I had a period of semi-activity years ago where I was very angry with the church. After a few years of attendance, I gained my commitment back, and then was able to go back into full fledged TR-holding and leadership and Bishopric callings. Had I shared all those doubts and problems and attitudes I was carrying during the semi-active period, I doubt that would have happened.
At some point, your husband may come around. Don’t encourage the local leadership to block his path by placing additional obstacles in his way — as they often do when people express doubts locally.
As many here have said in other posts, it really is a crap shoot when it comes to local leadership and their open mindedness. You might have a bishop, RS president, visiting teacher or just a good friend who will be very non-judgmental and helpful. Those people might also be total narcs who betray your confidence in Ward Council and “out” you as unorthodox. IMO, you’re better off on anonymous forums such as this, or if you have a BFF that you are 100% certain wouldn’t snitch on you, you might venture there. Otherwise, better not to gamble with local leadership or members. Welcome! It is difficult, and the wise path is to be very very careful with who you open up to. There are too many opportunities to have your words taken the wrong way. I hope we can be some help, even though we are not the same as a real in-person friend.
ReallyWantToStay wrote:He knows I’m mad at him some days – for taking us down an intellectual path that has forever changed our view of the religion we were both raised to believe was the one true church.
My thought here is “don’t shoot the messenger” …was he also caught off guard or felt betrayed? If so he was not looking for this path. In my opinion your anger at him is misdirected unless it is a path he would have chosen.I hope you feel at home here, feel free to share or ask anything.
I’m just going to echo what everyone else has said – it’s probably not safe to talk to anyone. The exception is this site where you have relative anonymity and there is little liklihood of being outed. Sadly, that’s a cold, hard truth. I would clarify by saying that it’s not safe to assume someone will understand simply because they should or they are in a position where it would help them understand. There are people in every congregation with whom it would be okay to share concerns, but it’s hard to tell who they are in a culture where most people keep disagreements to themselves and don’t make waves. We aren’t close to the only people who will listen and understand, but here, at least, you know we won’t condemn or try to change you. We are about helping people figure things out for themselves.
Hi, ReallyWantToStay – I’m the questioning one in my marriage, and I appreciate that my husband has NOT shared it with many others, especially not with local friends and church leaders. It’s been disorienting and distressing for him – he may have called a cousin or old friend out of state for some advice. But I love him for giving me space and respecting my privacy. I’m glad that neither of us flew off the handle, because time and just “life happening” is constantly reframing my thoughts. Good luck. Do not assume it is safe to talk to anyone. That includes church leaders and members, close friends, family members, and especially a spouse. That is my opinion.
Thanks everyone! I can see that StayLDS really is a community or a network of non-judgmental friends. Its difficult to find time to peruse the boards (small children at home and working p/t) but I think I’m gonna have to make time. I see that the general consensus is NOBODY is safe to talk to. I do feel safe talking to my husband. He has had to put up with a lot of unsorted feelings and emotions from me. But he has been really patient, while he waited for me to come around. He has also been really open about it all, which I think has helped me. I don’t wonder where he is on the spectrum of belief and if I do wonder I will ask him and he’ll always tell me. I should let him know that I appreciate that.
Thanks again guys!
Quote:I should let him know that I appreciate that.
AMEN – and amen.
I understand your need to want to share your feelings and thoughts with someone. It is a lot to keep bottled up inside. I’m very reticent to talk to anyone about my feelings about church and my recent faith crisis. It seems the only people I can share some of my thoughts with are those I am close to who live in other states, non-church members, who are not in any kind of position or who have any inclination to talk to anyone about what I share with them. And even then I’m probably not completely candid, since I don’t want the church to be reflected upon badly. That is one reason I am glad that I have an outlet now with this site. It helps to be able to speak about what I’m feeling in this somewhat anonymous setting. I hope it helps you too. I think it is helpful just to realize you aren’t alone.
If you can talk to your spouse, that will be huge to get through this faith crisis. Trust me, I know. Jwald has been awesome. Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
I agree with those that say talk with your spouse (as he has been open about his feelings). Unless someone indicates through their comments or coming to you first that they clearly understand going through doubts, I would assume the reverse to be true. Sorry to say that it’s the way it is. Most people never question their beliefs past adolescence. This is a hard one. My wife has shared things with a couple more people than I initially would have, but I don’t hold that against her one bit. If I did’t give her the leeway to make sense of everything for herself in the way that will best help her, I would feel super hypocritical. I just had a very good, open talk with her last night about how I hope she will convey my current situation should she feel the need to share. She told me about a conversation she had already had with one of our close friends, and I think she handled it beautifully. Just by observation, the friend knew that I met with the Bishop during church on Sunday, and then my wife mentioned to her we had another meeting together that night. Naturally, she asked if everything was OK. My wife felt the need to share, and essentially told her that I was feeling personally directed to hand in the TR due to uncertainties I have. She asked, “So there are no morality issues?” DW replied with something like, “No, he has just reached a point where he is compelled to be honest and true with himself as well as his church leadership about uncertainties relating to the accepted nature of God and His church.” The friend’s response was actually, “Wow, I really respect that.” I think this all depends on the personal situation. I seem to be less fearful than many about sharing, but then I’ve never been one to share just anything with just anyone. Not out of fear of what they might think (at least not so much as I would have earlier in my life), just out of preference. There are people in our ward I wouldn’t disclose certain things to just because I don’t have that kind of relationship with them. However, in the end I would’t really care if they found out those undisclosed things somehow, because I’ve made a lot of progress through therapy and the work of Tolle (whose horn I admittedly toot often) toward detaching my personal sense of identity from outside influence. When confronting the loss of anything temporal, even the constructs of our own mind, like our perceived image or reputation, Tolle would ask the simple question:
Quote:Has
who you arebecome diminished by the loss?” He points out that most of these answers are felt, not thought, since the mind often disconnects us from the divinity or Truth within.
Essentially, I am under the personal impression that it’s “safe” to talk to anyone you feel the need to. If you think you are on such a long, important journey that you don’t want to do it alone or behind the scenes, I say share, but with all your effort to avoid being confrontational in any way. You can disagree without being confrontational. Be fully aware that you (or your spouse) may be viewed differently in the eyes of others. You may be the recipient of unjustified disrespect. People may make incorrect assumptions. Do your best to be open, honest and tactful at the same time, and just accept what happens with peace and humility, willing to learn from your experiences.
I know it’s a bit different than what others are saying, but this is my honest input.
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