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Not be a complainer, but I have to share this. My daughter comes home from a YW activity/service project at someone’s house crying. She is very small for her age. A couple girls ambushed her from behind, duct taped her mouth shut, picked her up, carried her into a room and threw her on the bed. They tried to use more duct tape to bind her hands, but she struggled free. The perpetrators fled and tried to lock her in the room, but she held the door knob open so it wouldn’t lock.
My wife arrives at about this time to pick up my daughter, so they stopped whatever they were going to do. But when she was leading the ringleader says “It’s a good thing your mother came or……” and then didn’t finish the sentence.
I have dealt with this positively and calmly, as that is one of my strengths after years of experiencing such unacceptable behavior from otheres. The parents and the girls have all apologized, as did the parent and YW leader who was supervising the service project in someone’s home. They were were in a separate room during the post-service socializing. I haven’t brought this to the attention of the Bishopric for a couple reasons, one being the tendency for drained and busy Church leaders to do NOTHING when it comes to matters that deeply hurt others. And inaction presents a challenge to my commitment. Plus the YW leader came to my wife and apologized it happened on her watch — they were in a neighboring room at the time.
Why do the most heart-wrenching things seem to happen to me IN THE CHURCH? Not in the workplace where people don’t share the same Christian values? Not in the work place where business interests often come before ethical and kindness issues? Not in my friendships with non-Christians in bands I play in, sometimes even in smoky bars…in the Church! It’s baffling to me. To quote M&G [/rant]
Mormons are above the laws of common decency? Eh gads SD — when did all this take place? I would have DEFINITELY reported this to the bishop, and perhaps even the police. Duct tape and forced into a bedroom? Assault, and possible “sexual assault” intentions need to be reported. This goes WAY beyond hurt feelings or being “offended.” I would have taken this all the way to the top and insisted on getting “results.” If it is recent, I would recommend you still do. I don’t care if the YW leader and the girls apologized or not. If this happened to your kid, what is the chance it has happened before? And what is the chance it will happen again if nothing is done about.
I have had some horrible experiences as well within the church. I think perhaps why they “hurt” so much is because we just expect more and we do the whole church thing to find peace and such, and when we get vinegar instead, it stings badly.
Also – for MANY MANY people, church pretty well encompasses their entire social life, so there is just so much and many opportunities for things to go wrong. This is why I don’t do the whole social church thing. I’ve been burned too many times in the past, and I would just as well pick my own friends – and I don’t need a membership-card check to do that.
I would report it to the Bishop, personally – and I would consider seriously reporting it to the police. At the very least, I would scare the crap out of the girls who were involved by talking openly with them and their parents about your conflict over whether or not to report it to the police. I would go to their house and talk with them calmly but directly about how it was a textbook assault and how you wouldn’t even hesitate to go to the cops if it had happened anywhere but at a church activity. Again, at the very least, I would scare the crap out of those girls and try to make them see how serious their actions were. If nothing at all happens, really, in practical terms, they might not understand fully exactly how bad it was – and they need to understand that.
As far as the question of why:
We are not immune to cruelty and stupidity, as much as we wish we were. Wishing we were, and knowing the ideal we desire, makes disappointment even worse.
Wow, I am sorry that happened to your daughter. I can’t believe that happened at a church activity. But then again I kind of can. Growing up it always seemed like I was treated the worst by the kids the claimed to be Christian. Maybe these kids are so well controlled at home that the first chance they get to do something evil they really don’t hold back. I hope something more is done to these kids. Just making them apologize is probably not enough to stop them from doing it again.
SD- I’m so sorry this happened to your daughter.
Hug your little girl twice for me,
MnG
What an awful experience. So sorry. Thanks everyone — I’m with you all in your analysis. I did scare the pants off the one girl involved. Cwald, it happened on Saturday evening. After sitting down and reasoning through the lens of cold rationality, I took my daughter over to the home of the girl who I thought was the main perpetrator. We were there within two hours of the event happening. We sat down with her mother. I listened for a long time as they talked about what happened and let them run their feelings out. Then I took over. The girl had tears streaming down her face when I mentioned how the average parent may well have just called the police on her. I gave a stern statement that no one should feel unsafe at a Church activity. I also addressed this girl’s tendency to be a follower as this is the second time she’s been involved in bullying my daughter as a follower. I also coached her on how to stop being a follower and to intervene on behalf of the person being bullied next time this happened.
I also referred to the high profile case where bullying happened online and that the girl being bullied killed herself. I know this is heavy, but I wasn’t going to sit back and let them think these things are without unintended consequences. I stressed how issues of friends and relationships and self-image dominate youth age years, and that no one can estimate just how far a bullied person might go into unhappiness and depression or self-injury over such things.
I also explained that this is the THIRD TIME bullying has happened to my daughter in a Church context in the last two years, although this instance was the worst. I also explained how I had dealt with these two other instances quietly and directly with the families involved. But this time I said, I’m not putting up with it anymore. If it happens again, I said, police, and the Bishopric will be involved. No tolerance — consider this is stiff warning.
The youth who put this follower girl up to it I have never met. But she apologized at Church the next day with her mother present. The mother of the girl we visited also had been in conversation with the girl and her mother, and indicated this is a pattern for this other girl I don’t know.
I
RAy — I was going to raise the issue coldly and rationally with the Bishopric, but chose not to immediately for the following reasons: a) There was a parental trust issue at the heart of this.
My daughter did not want to make a bit stink about this. She only told us what happened after my wife had promised she wouldn’t bring it up to anyone afterwards. I thought my wife was wrong to use that line of reasoning to get her to talk, but I wasn’t there when my daughter was picked up. So, there was a parental trust issue. I did finally convince my daughter to go over to the girl’s house with me after indicating this was actually doing a FAVOR to the girl we knew, as she apparently wasn’t aware such activity could land her in front of police. I also indicated that confronting her now would make Church a better experience when they see each other again. This resonated with my daughter so she reluctantly agreed.
b) I’m debating about whether to go to the Bishopric about this. I find them generally indifferent and overworked. You know my story. It would cause angst to go in there fully prepared and then see no action. And I don’t have the energy to go over their heads to the SP if they dont’ take some kind of organizational action. I’m also sure they know about it since a Bishopric member’s wife was leading the activity.
I might do it after I hear the arguments in favor of this, if any. But right now, I’m not thrilled about the idea.
By the way, my daughter called me at the beginning of the third hour and asked to come home from Church claiming not feeling well. I think that was hokus, but I got her. I was at home working and did it. I think she was just sick of the drama.
I think you handled it perfectly, SD – based on what you just shared. Your daughter will be in my prayers.
It sounds like you handled it really good SD. That behavior is dangerous and totally unacceptable in any setting. I know you were not planning on telling the Bishop. But this is such a serious and important problem to be aware of, I think I would be upset as a Bishop if people did
nottell me. Not mentioning it takes away vital information from his awareness in being a steward and good shepherd for the ward. You could present it to him as being already resolved, since you guys are the “victims” of this incident. You can recommend to him that he doesn’t need to do anything about it. But really, I think he should be aware of it at least. What if there are other incidents, or what if this affects future decisions by him? These girls have crossed a social and maturity line. I think for safety, the Bishop should at least be aware of it.
Brian, I am sooo glad you posted this! My bishop is a wonderful man – very humble and a concerned shepherd over his sometimes unruly flock. A while back, I became aware of a situation where I thought he could do a lot of good and so I spoke to him about it. He confided his frustration that too often he is the last to know when there is a situation brewing or when someone is in dire need.
Sometimes it seems like the bishop spends 90% of his time dealing with the same 10% of the congregants and some people and situations slip through the cracks because no one wants to bother the bishop or they don’t want to be pigeon holed as one of the dreaded 10% who like drama.
This is definitely a situation where a bishop could make some easy administrative changes (more adult supervision for example) to prevent a reoccurence. Just approach it with an attitude of no-drama just practical solutions perspective.
2 cents worth
MnG
I’m pretty sure he knows about it given what I said previously. I may shoot him an email just so he knows. I get huge frustration when I bring things to leaders attention and they do nothing — and this has happened repeatedly so I’m trying to handle this and not let it become another angst-producer. Frankly, I see red when I bring things to leaders attention and they do nothing. [begin rant]
Remember the old maxim “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed”.
[end rant]
One counter thought however — this is broaching business interests as it could result in lawsuits in the future that could hurt the Church if these girls aren’t firmly stopped in their tracks. So, on second thought, I may see some action given the tendency for the leaders to put business interests at the forefront. Hmmmm….interesting thought grounded in deep reality.
SilentDawning wrote:Hmmmm….interesting thought grounded in deep reality.
Sad but true.
I think we all are a little more motivated when we think there could be serious (and public) repercussions for our failure to act.
I’ve had terrible things happen to my daughter at a church activity…I won’t go into details, its not important. While I didn’t want to get the police involved, it was the right thing to do (having things happen at church doesn’t make it less wrong). When it comes to protecting my kids, I send a strong message I care less about hurting people’s (leaders’) feelings in church than I do about telling my kids they are the most important thing in the world to me, and nobody is more important, and I’ll stick up for them. They need to know that. Practically thinking, I think that it can seem the “worst things happen at church” for 2 reasons:
1) We sometimes put expectations it SHOULD be different…therefore they become the “worst things” … as opposed to the school bus where I often hate what I hear happens but expect less christ-like behavior from that environment (for some reason).
2) We spend an awful lot of time at church activities…probabilities are things will happen there.
But that sucks to hear about what happened…it shouldn’t be that way…and sometimes apologies from sincere leaders may not always be enough. I don’t think you are the kind of person to harbor hate towards others, but it must be tough for you on such an unacceptable situation from YW girls, leaders, and parents.
I wouldn’t just rely on leaders to handle things for you…you have stewardship to protect your family. I feel for you, bud. I’m sure you’ll handle things the best way…let us know how it turns out.
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