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Too many times, I’ve been disappointed in people I expected more from. I realize nobody’s perfect & that I’m not perfect.
I realize that nobody knows the 100% truth of everyone.
But I think integrity is about making an overall effort to see reality for what it is & not deny it, when it’s staring them in the face. Integrity is not covering up what is truth.
It seems so many are so willing to do sell their integrity to pretend some kind of lie.
It doesn’t help them or others – but rather adds to, often, harmful lies.
I see this all of the time… sometimes it’s when someone struggles with some type of dysfunction & accuse everyone else of what they are guilty of.
Other times, it is people who refuse to take any responsibility & will find any weesle way to shift responsibilty to anybody but themselves… avoiding debt, trying to “shoot the messenger”, playing with words to deny reality.
I’m fed up with it!
It’s hurt me too many times.
Why is it that so many prioritize comfortable lies over uncomfortable truth?
I see it as lacking courage.
I realize this has applied to me at times, but it still bugs me.
Featherina wrote:Why is it that so many prioritize comfortable lies over uncomfortable truth?
Because it’s more comfortable?This may not be the best example, but I saw what I think was a demonstration of this kind of thing over the weekend when I visited the Manzanar relocation center, where approximately 10000 Japanese and Japanese-Americans were interned for about 3.5 years during WWII. I had been before, and of course was familiar with the episode, but to be there once again was an overwhelmingly emotional experience for me.
I won’t bother trying to contrast this with what happened in other parts of the world during that time … too much uncomfortable truth, perhaps … this was enough for me to try to digest. But to be witness to such egregious unfaithfulness to a principle still brings tears to my eyes. Why do people/governments do stupid/criminal/inhumane things? I think it boils down to fear and prejudice, or more precisely, an unwillingness and/or inability to think clearly and objectively when presented with new and different or disturbing information. It’s too uncomfortable for a lot of folks, myself included.
Doug, Thanks for your comments.
It is really good to hear someone acknowledge this.
Because they are human, and humans only can deal with whatever they can deal with.Fwiw, most people aren’t consciously lying or avoiding truth. They simply are dealing with what they are capable of seeing and feeling – and I don’t mean to be condescending or judgmental in sayin that. Part of my being conmfortable with uncertainty is admitting I might be wrong, especially about things that require me to make some kind of subjective judgment – and that is truer in the realm of religion than anywhere else.
One more practical example:
Some people believe in “tough love”, while others believe in never alienating others almost no matter what they do. Neither is lying or refusing to face truth; rather, they simply are seeing what they see and acting on it.
Finally, “reality” is whatever it is for each and every person. When a schizophrenic is hallucinating, those hallucinations are reality to them. I mean that completely; they are reality to them while they are occurring. When they hurt others in that situation, they aren’t avoiding reality; they are reacting to reality – living within their own reality.
When a person is outside thier comfort zone it’s easier to deal with things fight or flight. Far easier then to force themselves outside of their comfort zonemfromwnich many refuse to walk out of because it’s hard and sometimes scary. Enlarging the comfort zone takes time and pratice and patience and nervousness while walking outside of it. What’s easier? To stay inside the comfort zone and trigger the fight or flight mechanism or to walk outside it feeling insecure and vulnerable and “risk” getting hurt? Old-Timer wrote:Because they are human, and humans only can deal with whatever they can deal with.Fwiw, most people aren’t consciously lying or avoiding truth. They simply are dealing with what they are capable of seeing and feeling – and I don’t mean to be condescending or judgmental in sayin that. Part of my being conmfortable with uncertainty is admitting I might be wrong, especially about things that require me to make some kind of subjective judgment – and that is truer in the realm of religion than anywhere else.
One more practical example:
Some people believe in “tough love”, while others believe in never alienating others almost no matter what they do. Neither is lying or refusing to face truth; rather, they simply are seeing what they see and acting on it.
Finally, “reality” is whatever it is for each and every person. When a schizophrenic is hallucinating, those hallucinations are reality to them. I mean that completely; they are reality to them while they are occurring. When they hurt others in that situation, they aren’t avoiding reality; they are reacting to reality – living within their own reality.
Those are good points, to help expand my awareness. Thanks, Ray.Reality is based on perspective… so from my perspective on reality, they are avoiding it, but to their perspective, they’re embracing it.
I guess what is troubling is when I see people get hurt badly by the consequences of choices, yet instead of considering how they have played a part in it, they seek to blame everyone & everything else.
What’s also troubling, is that I do this too, I think we all do.
It goes back to the idea of the tough paradox to embrace – of accepting imperfection as reality, while striving for better.
Forgotten_Charity wrote:When a person is outside thier comfort zone it’s easier to deal with things fight or flight. Far easier then to force themselves outside of their comfort zonemfromwnich many refuse to walk out of because it’s hard and sometimes scary. Enlarging the comfort zone takes time and pratice and patience and nervousness while walking outside of it. What’s easier? To stay inside the comfort zone and trigger the fight or flight mechanism or to walk outside it feeling insecure and vulnerable and “risk” getting hurt?
You’ve got me thinking… (oh, no!😆 )When I was little, my sister used to tease me for being naive.
I looked up to her & was determined to prove her wrong, so I remember making the conscious decision to gain some experience, to be tougher & to NOT be naive. I was very shy before, but pushed myself…& now, nobody would believe I was ever that shy, though I’m still introverted (need time alone to recharge). I went through a lot of crap – ran away from home & gained a lot of experience – was not naive… but I also have gone through hell on many different roads. After I straightened myself up some, I helped troubled youth, & every now & then, still do, when the opportunity arises.
I’ve been reading about positive disintegration… the idea that some tensions & anxiety is necessary for growth… that there is a “disintegrative” process that is necessary before one can realize more possibilities & better ways of seeing things, living & loving. It’s couragously stepping out of one’s comfort zones.
Along with the idea of considering many (or “multi-level”) possibilities, I don’t see this psychological theory as the only way of personality & character development, but rather complimentary to other stages of development (like Erikson’s). IE: “Can I trust the world” which is the concern of Erikson’s 1st stage – if answered in the negative, it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with the person. In many ways, our society isn’t healthy & besides, trusting in anything besides God is setting oneself up for disappointment. It’s healthy to maintain some reservations, even in the most intimate of relationships… yet it’s also healthy to risk maintaining relationships even after feeling hurt in some way (since all relationships bump heads occasionally).
ForgottenCharity, I think you make a good point how sometimes it’s easier when you’re already out there, than the first time in a particular way pushing yourself outside what’s comfortable. It takes more faith because it’s unknown. Sometimes we don’t want to go there – comfort of familiarity is more alluring. Sometimes, it’s not only more alluring, but also priority above even the consideration of others. Worshiping God (balancing loving self and others) isn’t always a walk in the park.
I definitely saw a lot of “hurting” not just inside my family wards but within my own family. I saw the same thing with troubled youth I worked with. The actions took place on a conscious level but the reasons for them if you asked why they just acted like that they couldn’t tell you. There isn’t critical thinking going on here at this time it’s just “gut” spontaneous feeling decision making. Once they dropped there defense barrier they would often apologize. it isn’t a LDS thing or even a religious thing, it just gets amplified with Denial when people use god to justify the behavior, often citing I justification for “defending”. When facing the truth or the unknown hurts it isn’t to uncommon to let the “gut” emotions rule you at the moment then critically think. Acting on gut emotions without critical thinking when in fear or pain doesn’t end well usually, but it’s so easy. It’s actually quite hard to think critaclly when you let your flight or fight emotions “sway” you. I have a policy to not make decisions if someone somehow triggers it, wait till it passes then talk or think about things. Similar to the advice psychologist give parents to never displine at the moment of infraction when the parent is angry, wait, critaclly think, then give the punishment. It’s good to use that when your emotions (gut) is swaying decision making. It’s just not easy to learn, it’s a learned trait, not automatic. Yeah, been there done that. I tend to get really honest when I’m pissed off.
Usually, when I’m really boiling mad, I’ll go on a walk, or hit some raquet or tennis balls – to let off some steam.
I imagine that often times people hurt others because they are hurt, but their hurt is often based on illusion.
It’s just that we each have our own stories we maintain in our heads… & sometimes they conflict with others’ stories.
Taking the idea of the “veil” a little further…
I was reading how maybe God created illusions to protect us from the truth & to allow us to develop in unique ways.
Only by illusion, is there any choice, because if you knew the complete truth, you would know what was best & there would be no illusions to give a sense of other possible truths…
Then again… they say that truth is infinite possibilities of infinite possible universes…
Maybe I’m too illuded to know one way or the other!
🙂 I think people are choosing how to deal with reality. There are often competing influences, and so people choose. Doug’s comments were touching. How would people ever agree the right thing to do is lock up Japanese-Americans? (In times of safety, we may choose out of fear…and later regret it).
How could Nephi think chopping off heads is a good option? How could Ammon think chopping off arms was a good example of being a loving missionary? (There are no explanations…these are just shared as heroic stories).
Why would Joseph Smith think hiding his polyandry was fitting of a prophet of God? (We choose to just not talk about this part of Joseph’s legacy).
Why do I choose to stay silent in Fast and Testimony meeting instead of standing to share things I believe or things I’ve learned? (I don’t want to, I don’t find it helpful for me or anyone else in the meeting).
Life is complicated. There is not one way to handle things. There are choices, and integrity is not so easily navigated as the highest priority in all situations that have real consequences. (My wife does look fat in that dress…but I’m not gonna say that out loud).
Because of this…I think more about why things cause me pain. Why does it matter to me what others do, or if they are honest in my judgement, and why does it aggravate me or impacts me? How do I treat others, and how often do I act without integrity for my safety or comfort or lack of courage?
When I honestly realize I do that
😳 …it helps me be more patient with others who do that too.But I admit…their lack of integrity bothers me more than my lack of integrity. At least I understand mine.
Heber13 wrote:When I honestly realize I do that
😳 …it helps me be more patient with others who do that too.But I admit…their lack of integrity bothers me more than my lack of integrity. At least I understand mine.
That’s exactly how I feel.And I think understanding helps a lot, which seems to be a never ending challenge.
Once I was helping a client over the phone, but beforehand, her sister kindof prepared me for what had just happened. This woman had just found out her husband died & was not in her right mind. So, when she came on cussing & giving me hell, I had more compassion than if her sister hadn’t warned me before.
Still… the automatic reaction if somebody hurts us is to defend ourselves, both physically & emotionally.
I guess, as we mature, we don’t react as automaticaly, but with more consideration.
Featherina wrote:Yeah, been there done that.
I tend to get really honest when I’m pissed off.
Usually, when I’m really boiling mad, I’ll go on a walk, or hit some raquet or tennis balls – to let off some steam.
Yes, I have worked on that as well. When I was younger I had a real temper problem. I could easily become physically and verbally abusive to my friends and family members. Since then, I have been very careful to never react in the heat of the moment. My husband knows that if I’m hurt or angry not to try to discuss it right then. I will try to collect my thoughts and present them to him the next day or later. This has been extremely effective in my marriage, but anywhere else in my life (and sometimes still in marriage) I have the extreme opposite reaction to what I had when I was young. Rather than defending myself in any way at any point, I tend to just take all my punches laying down and just stay there in silence until the metaphorical bruises fade, then walk right into the next attack. My new gut reaction to confrontation is to shut down so that I don’t hurt anyone, but instead I am repressing all my negative emotion and allowing it to do internal damage.
For those of us who have found ourselves on the fringes, or the outside, of the “faithful” community – hurtful comments, actions and attitudes from our loved one’s are inevitable. Surely there is a healthy balance between embracing the blows and hitting back.
What have you guys found?
Quote:Surely there is a healthy balance between embracing the blows and hitting back.
Don’t do either. Absolutely don’t embrace them, but don’t hit back. Learn to turn the other cheek and simply continue to “be”. If that doesn’t work (if the blows keep coming and protection from them is critical), learn to set boundaries to avoid them without hitting back.
Keep working on being able to be more meek, humble, etc. – the real, root definitions, not the corrupted definitions that most people understand now.
If you are interested, I wrote each Saturday on my personal blog a few years ago about the characteristics in the Beatitudes. If you go to (thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com) and click on the “Resolutions” category at the bottom right, you can read through those posts.
I think it takes practice to choose wisely when confrontation is appropriate and when avoidance is the better alternative. Situations differ, and there is no right or wrong, only consequences. But stuffing feelings isn’t healthy for you. You need to be authentic, but charitable.
I am more prone to avoid confrontation. It doesn’t always serve me well. I’m working on that.
Heber13 wrote:I think it takes practice to choose wisely when confrontation is appropriate and when avoidance is the better alternative. Situations differ, and there is no right or wrong, only consequences.
But stuffing feelings isn’t healthy for you. You need to be authentic, but charitable.
I am more prone to avoid confrontation. It doesn’t always serve me well. I’m working on that.
Yes some of us are prone to a avoiding confrontation. I’ve learned the hard way many will use that as a springboard to get what they want out of you –church or not church it makes no difference. Stuffing feelings is very harmful to ones self and others. Everyone has a limit. Everyone. I have personally found it helpful to redirect the negative energy, by removing myself from the situation or setting boundaries that they will adhere to before, if not then I will have to remove myself. I’m not a punching bag anymore nor do I let myself be. But sometimes we need to bear one another’s burdens of we have the capacity to do so in the moment. There is a self-check on a persons capacity when bearing burdens. In order to a hive balance we have to be honest with ourselves in what that current capacity is. I redirect my punching bag experiences by refusing to stand by and watch others be a punching bag around me. There are other positive ways to redirect “negative energy”. Find out positive ways to redirect(channel it) that work for each of us individually. I think it is best to set priorities. I set 1. Tell someone what they are doing is bothering you in a positive way, reassert as necessary or more firmly each time. 2–when they aren’t listening, set boundaries. 3- if they aren’t listening to the set boundaries tell them of they don’t cease and decist you will withdraw from the situation. 4-if they don’t listen to the boundaries then withdraw. 5- if they still insist on on following you around and not listen to the boundaries you have set that bother you, stand your ground and assert and report to the proper the proper authorities or people that will influence or constrain them. When backed into a corner with no place to go and continued pressure a person has the right to defend themselves no matter what the other party says. Everyone has he right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. No one posses the right to stop that. I have personally found that many people will aggressively pursue people they perceive as week until you stand up and show them you are not afraid and you will defend. Being a punching bag all my life I now defend others near me that haven’t learned how to show no fear and defend yet. No one, no one at all has the right to use fear or shame to control or minipulate others.
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