Why do you stay?

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Even here at StayLDS there has been advice just to “get past it”, or intimations a person is not being Christlike because they hold onto old chestnuts.

SD, I’d like to know when that happens, since it’s not a message we want to present here. If my comments at any point seem to imply that, I need to know – since it’s not something I want to be saying. If you see something that you take that way in the future, please mention it – either when it is said or in a PM.

I think I can speak for the admins here and say that our core belief is that we all have to learn to “deal with it” – but when we say that we mean “find a coping mechanism that works” and/or “find a way that you personally can heal” or “figure out a new faith paradigm that works for you personally”. A “personal ministry” is exactly what we mean, I believe – so, again, please let us know when something is said that appears to say, “Just get over it, you unChristlike schlub.”

[Anonymous]

I’ll do that should it happen in the future. It will be a bit of a search to find the post(s) I remember pretty vividly. There was one post and a PM. However, they were respectful by the way, not meant to be offensive and I think were meant to be helpful. Such posts aren’t really a source of angst really, or anything I would want to see moderated for my own benefit.

My comment was more of an observation in general that for a lot of people, they seem to be able to guide their thoughts into more productive, forgiving paths. And for them, the parable of the person who would not forgive, or the condemnation unforgiving people eventually receive is enough to kickstart forgiveness. The parable appears to be all people to offer in the way of advice, in most contexts.

I guess when lack of forgiveness, or obsessive thinking about hurtful experiences becomes a deep-seated personality characteristic, it takes more of a professional bit of advice to change one’s emotional set and way of thinking. For me, it takes continued, sustained effort, and like an alchoholism addiction, the threat of it returning is something one will have with them all their life.

The resources we have in the Church are somewhat repetitive… We have Bednar’s “And they were not offended” talk to rely on, but that stopped being satisfying antidote a while ago to me. In fact, it gave rise to an attitude in our Ward that if someone was offended then that was their problem and they got kind of written off. I know this because it was a prevailing thought when I was a priesthood leader. The phrase “they got offended and so now they don’t come”, given in a kind of resigned tone of voice, was something I heard regularly.

[Anonymous]

SD, searching under my posts will probably help you find them 😳 I’m not the parser Ray is or the wiseman Orson, Brian and others are … I come from a family where “just get past it” was the common resolution strategy along with “let’s stick to the positive thoughts and bury the negative” … So sometimes I may unintentionally slip into old habits.

If so, I apologize…because I don’t think that is a coping strategy I’ve learned here and it is not what I think StayLDS is about.

What I’ve learned is that facing these real issues and not sweeping them under the rug is what is exactly needed and why people are searching on the Internet for answers on things that still bother them. I know I was.

There is something to be said for avoiding being beholden to the past, and living more in the here and now…but I know from personal experiences that some wounds need to be tended to if the is any hope for peace.

Let’s discuss and correct any misunderstandings about that if there are some examples out there. To StayLDS doesn’t mean “shut up and deal with it” – I think there is a real way to be honest, open, and sincerely find peace in staying in the church and simultaneously dealing with real (and sometimes painful) issues.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Heber — I don’t think you said anything like “get over it”, and my comment above was more of a passing thought than something that bothers me for the long-term. I have no issues with anyone about that mentality; I’m just thankful there is a place where people are generally kind when people have Church issues and provide a sense of community.

And I know the ability to just forgive, forget and move on is a healthy one. I envy you guys for having it! I think my happiness quotient would be much higher if I had that ability! In fact, I know it would be.

For some of us with this deficit in our personality, I think it’s time that wears away the hurt. I’m not sure it ever gets totally dealt with, but at some point its ability to make you unhappy fades and its tendency to prevent meaningful involvement at Church goes away lessens.

I’ve posted a few threads levelled at the residual effects on my testimony/Church attitudes, like the imperfection thread, and another one about why I shouldn’t expect the Church to behave differently than other temporal organizations, and people have made comments that are helpful. As different angles and challenges come up, I’ll post them.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

The resources we have in the Church are somewhat repetitive… We have Bednar’s “And they were not offended” talk to rely on, but that stopped being satisfying antidote a while ago to me. In fact, it gave rise to an attitude in our Ward that if someone was offended then that was their problem and they got kind of written off. I know this because it was a prevailing thought when I was a priesthood leader. The phrase “they got offended and so now they don’t come”, given in a kind of resigned tone of voice, was something I heard regularly.

Recently in GD part of the lesson was on not being offended. It got all tied up with the idea that our salvation is individual and if I offend you and you hate me for it (inactivate), you may lose your salvation but you haven’t even dented mine. I commented that our salvation in the church is communal in many ways, temple marriage, family history, Zion, etc. but I wanted to say something harsher. I wanted to say that if it doesn’t bother you that you were the catalyst for someone else’s damnation then maybe you don’t have the charity sufficient to “be your brother’s keeper,” perhaps you won’t be a participant of salvation either.

I understand that Bishops etc. have the opportunity to unintentionally offend others en masse fairly regularly, so what is to be done? My answer – is to care.

Then after I calm down, I realize that those that I would be correcting will someday learn the error of their ways, just as I am to learn the error of my ways and be healed….May we all find the mercy we seek.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Then after I calm down, I realize that those that I would be correcting will someday learn the error of their ways, just as I am to learn the error of my ways and be healed….May we all find the mercy we seek.

Amen, roy. Amen.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Roy. As someone once said “It’s a pretty thin pancake that doesn’t have two sides”, and I think the parable of the man who wouldn’t forgive, while insightful, important, and something to practice, only looks at the problem from one side — placing all the onus on the person offended. At times, when I’ve had trouble forgiving, I’ve felt double victimized…once by the person who was harsh, and then another time by the person who judges me for not forgiving!

At times I take solace in the hope that some day those who wrong us understand our perspective and maybe even get to feel a bit of the hurt they inflicted; just enough to trigger empathy. I have imagined the collection of 5 or so people throughout my life who have hurt me deeply meeting with me at once and apologizing. And I have wondered what impact if might have on me. Not that it will ever happen, but the thought that there could be even a SMALL bit of remorse, or even awareness can bring comfort.

However, I realize why the Savior perhaps showed only one side of the pancake. As really, our happiness and peace should be independent of whether the others have empathy or awareness eventually.

…Did I just say that?

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

so what is to be done? My answer – is to care.

That, my friend, is pure religion. I take your words to imply it is not about who is right or who is wrong…it is all an exercise in LOVE, which I think is what we are here to learn. Well said, Roy! :thumbup:

SilentDawning wrote:

“It’s a pretty thin pancake that doesn’t have two sides”

This, my friend, is a great quote. Hadn’t heard that before, but love it. Great teaching for me to remember.

Thanks for teaching me, you guys.

[Anonymous]

This is a beautiful discussion. I am blessed to know you all.

[Anonymous]

I hope no one is being so flippant as to say “just get over it,” but having said that, sometimes we do need to do that – it’s just not possible to do yet, and we aren’t here to make burdens heavier, but lighter.

Quote:

after we die we still meet for meetings in church

That explains why it’s “eternity.” 😯 Yeah I said it.

Seriously, though, BLC – I loved your shared experiences. I too feel that way. There are times I have really experienced spiritual connections in the church in a Mormon way that I just can’t deny or walk away from. Clearly it works (at least for me, sometimes).

[Author]

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