Why is it so easy…?

[Anonymous]

Why is it so easy for us to abandon our views on faith and such to be “happy” or fit in. I have problems with commitment to church, and it is a vicious up and down cycle with me. I will go to church for a couple of few months, then get a wild hair for some reason and decide that I am no longer going. At this time, I decide that I am going to rebel as much as I possibly can – drinking and such – for several months, and then I get a nagging feeling in my heart and contemplate going back to church again.

It seems that every time I get on the path to start doing what I’m supposed to do, my life seems to go to hell. Since JD and I went to the temple things for us have turned to crap. We have spent more time inactive than active, and it’s because when we are in church and doing what we are supposed to everything seems to go wrong! I know all the general “pray, read your scriptures, etc.” answers; but it’s like when I’m in church I don’t feel like things are right, and when I’m not, well I still don’t feel like things are right. I have no family support and I really have no friend support either, since none of my family are Mormon and only a couple of my friends are. Sometimes I just find it easier to miss that one Sunday that turns into two Sundays which then turns into 2 months and I haven’t been to church and I’m hitting the drive-thru at Starbucks because it’s so much easier than driving half asleep… then I realize what a downward spiral I’m on and I start purging my house and body of anything I shouldn’t have to begin with, try to get back into wearing my garments, going to church… its a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to break it. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision [to get baptized] because I seem so unworthy and unfixable.

This seems to be a cycle that hits at least once or twice a year, and lasts anywhere from two to six months or more. I just want to be happy, regardless of if I am in church or not, and I just want the up and down to stop. I feel like JD and I would be so much happier if we were in church, but most of the time when we are in church I don’t feel like we are happy. I just wish that if we were to go back to church, we had support and we could stop the desire to drink, have tea/coffee, or whatever. I want to be able to follow/obey and not question it.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the site. Thanks for posting.

It sounds like you are wrestling with lots of feelings, which can be swept under the rug for a time, but eventually need to be faced and worked out.

lyndsiloohoo wrote:

Why is it so easy for us to abandon our views on faith and such to be “happy” or fit in.

I think faith changes over time. Based on our experiences, we choose to believe what feels right for us. Longing to be a part of the group and be validated is natural, so we bend our faith at times, even change it. Happiness is the ultimate goal. It is just a journey to figure out how to properly shape our faith to gain it.

lyndsiloohoo wrote:

It seems that every time I get on the path to start doing what I’m supposed to do, my life seems to go to hell. Since JD and I went to the temple things for us have turned to crap.

Yep. I can definitely feel that way sometimes. It helps us reexamine life and what our expectations are on what will or won’t happen in life that will or won’t impact our happiness. It certainly “rains on the just and unjust alike”. Otherwise, it would be so easy for us all to just believe and live it. Too easy, probably.

lyndsiloohoo wrote:

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision [to get baptized] because I seem so unworthy and unfixable.

Secret :shh: …we’re all unworthy. But we are all fixable. It happens from within. Like Moses in the Pearl of Great Price, we can feel our divine worth, even if humbled to know we are less than the dust of the earth. There is paradox in life. We are not all good, or all bad. Church is not all boring, or all amazing. There is a middle way to accept the good that makes you happy, and learn to let go of the stuff at the buffet that is not to our liking.

You are a unique individual. God made you that way. Certainly, He would not reject you when He made you that way.

I suggest you do some meditation and prayer and study, and slowly, one thing at a time, peel back the onions on the issues you face with in your life, and realize many, many, many things that determine your peace and happiness do not have anything to do with church or if you are doing “what you’re supposed to do”, but instead find the things you know you WANT to do.

Peace.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to live according to the dictates of your conscience.

I don’t think you need to give up coffee to be happy, loved by God, or even to be Mormon.

I would go through my standards one by one and see where they fit into my life.

Do you want to drink responsibly? Is this something that is causing problems in your life?

Do you want to wear garments? Is this important to you or your spouse?

Do you want to XYZ or is XYZ just a Mormon cultural expectation.

It just sounds so much like binging.

I just wish that you could find a sustainable lifestyle that you are comfortable with and be happy there.

[Anonymous]

Welcome. We don’t have all the answers, but we are working on finding the ones that work for us as individuals. In the end, that’s really all there is.

I have to ask this, given that you said your mood swings happen once or twice a year:

Have you seen anyone about the possibility that you have SAD – which is a form of depression brought on by the changing seasons? Do your struggles occur mostly as winter is approaching and the days (and, therefore, daylight hours) are shorter? I don’t know if that is the case, but I think it might be worth checking, if you haven’t done so in the past. There are at least a couple of people here who are dealing with SAD, so they might be able to offer advice if you find you suffer from it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t attach all the crap that happens to your decision to go to church. It’s just band timing. Stick with it. Decide what you are going to do to be “active” and then stick with it — through the good and the bad. I don’t see a relationship between my church activity and the things that happen to me anymore…however, being consistent and living by the dictates of my conscience brings me a sense of security…you might want to try that…not spiritual security, but a sense of stability or commitment to my own values…

[Anonymous]

lyndsiloohoo wrote:

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision [to get baptized] because I seem so unworthy and unfixable.

I’ve really struggled with issues of self worth, I think on some levels we all have. I’ve only recently started to be more at peace with myself and my journey but I still don’t have a definitive answer. I think it’s important to take some time to try to identify what forces make us happy and what forces make us unhappy. It’s a start at least. After that the challenge becomes how to nourish the positive forces and how to eliminate the negative forces. It’s a lifelong process.

I’ll enumerate a few forces I discovered that are present in church that have made me unhappy. Confession time for me:

Shorty after joining the church I started feeling like I was losing my identity. It was occurring on a subconscious level at the time but reflecting back I think that was what was going on. I don’t know how to articulate this but the feeling was that my quest for perfection was turning me into the borg, I don’t know of any other way to put it other than that. I really didn’t understand how the “perfect” me could be distinguishable from anyone elses’ perfect them. I was nearly always unhappy because I was slowly losing a part of myself. Now I really have to question whether the difficulties I was facing rested with assimilating to the gospel or assimilating to church culture.

There are lots of expectations in church that can easily be judged via external observation. This can create a judgmental atmosphere among a group of imperfect people. At times we really are no different that the Pharisees of Jesus’ day. The WoW is a prime example, people use compliance to the WoW to judge others all the time… and the really surprising thing is that people in the church will similarly judge people outside the church, people that haven’t even made a commitment to keep the WoW. It boggles the mind. Ok, so now I’m judging so I need to stop there. Still it makes me very sad, possibly even approaching angry at our culture, that there are many people that don’t go to church simply because they would feel shamed by the membership… for whatever reason. It’s hard to feel happy when you feel like you are being judged. The thing that helps me is to recognize that we’re all imperfect. It also helps me to maybe reflect on how I am judgmental and how I might change.

This one really goes along with the others, there are many expectations in church that can be explicitly measured. You know whether or not you’re failing at paying tithing, HT/VT percentages may be way down, the missionaries came back and you don’t have that list for them, etc. Now I do feel it is very important to set goals for ourselves and that the goal must be something that we can measure to determine whether or not we are making progress. At the same time there are goals that we determine for ourselves and in the culture of the church there are goals that are placed on us. Which goals truly benefit us the most? I’ve found that goals that are placed upon me often make me unhappy because they don’t take me into into account. Maybe with where I’m currently at in life it’s just out of the realm of possibility for me to meet someone elses’ expectations that have been placed upon me. The unfulfilled expectation will often turn toward guilt, which has all come about due to an unfair expectation that has been placed on me.

Aside: Personal goals set by myself take into account my uniqueness, my current strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly I get to decide what I want the next step to be. Personal goals also have the benefit of taking as much time as I need to meet them. I feel happier with this approach.

Guilt. The crushing guilt. I feel like guilt is used as a motivator in church culture and guilt will never, ever bring happiness. Example: Quite often priesthood lessons turn into a 40 minute guilt trip about not doing home teaching, we just had one last Sunday. Is anyone going to come out of that type of meeting feeling good and motivated to do home teaching? Now I do try to put myself in the shoes of the EQP/HPGL. Home teaching isn’t getting done and it is a way to minister to those in need, and it’s important to discuss the topic and motivate the brethren into action. It’s a difficult balance but mostly it’s turned into another vehicle to contribute to the guilt that every member already feels. For better or for worse I’ve decided to let go of guilt and no longer allow it to be a motivating force in my life. So far the fruit has been good because adjusting myself to that mindset has made a drastic difference in my overall happiness.

I do want to say that these observations are just mine, and are solely interpretations from my perspective and in no way reflect others’ perspectives. I also want to apologize. I just ranted about things that made me unhappy and didn’t offer much, if anything, by way of things that do make me happy in church. I presented a very one-sided view. Do know that I struggle with faith but remain as active as I possibly can within the church because the little faith I do hold on to tells me that I’ll be much happier fighting my battles inside the church than I would be fighting those same battles outside church.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to everyone for the responses. Just to hit on a few that have commented:

Old-Timer wrote:

Have you seen anyone about the possibility that you have SAD

I haven never considered that anything could be related to SAD. However, it isn’t the same time of year that things occur. For example, right now we have been inactive for about 7 or 8 months and are battling with the decision over whether or not it is for us or whether we should return.

nibbler wrote:

I’ve really struggled with issues of self worth, I think on some levels we all have………

Thank you for your post. I did notice you touched on several items that, although probably not in the same sense, I have felt or dealt with. One part of my frustration is that I live in an area that doesn’t have a high LDS population, so for one we have to drive over an hour one way to get to church. That being said, for the last two to three years, we have not once been visited by a HT or VT. My VT, which is also my RS Pres, sends me a xeroxed copy of the VT message from the Ensign each month, and most months doesn’t even bother to write a personal message; has not made an attempt to visit; does not attempt to call. And this applies to everyone from the ward. I feel as if the church in general, just from my observation at both wards I have attended, is more concerned with baptismal numbers and getting you baptized, but once you are baptized you are pretty well forgotten. Being a convert, I have no family that are members of the church, and I don’t have any friends that are members either. It is hard to keep yourself focused and on track without that backing and support of family, friends, or the ward.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

It is hard to keep yourself focused and on track without that backing and support of family, friends, or the ward.

Ive often said that the Church is as true as the local membership makes it – which means that in some areas it’s absolutely wonderful and in some areas it’s . . . not, at all points along the spectrum to horrible.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

Ive often said that the Church is as true as the local membership makes it – which means that in some areas it’s absolutely wonderful and in some areas it’s . . . not, at all points along the spectrum to horrible.

I very much agree. I have lived in areas where the ward family was absolutely amazing and loving… and those are the times in which we were active the longest (surprise, surprise…). And its not that this ward is terrible but they are clique-ish. Most everyone in the ward is related in some way or another, and they tend to stick behind each other, and push out anyone who moves in and isn’t related.

[Anonymous]

lyndsiloohoo wrote:

Old-Timer wrote:

Ive often said that the Church is as true as the local membership makes it – which means that in some areas it’s absolutely wonderful and in some areas it’s . . . not, at all points along the spectrum to horrible.

I very much agree. I have lived in areas where the ward family was absolutely amazing and loving… and those are the times in which we were active the longest (surprise, surprise…). And its not that this ward is terrible but they are clique-ish. Most everyone in the ward is related in some way or another, and they tend to stick behind each other, and push out anyone who moves in and isn’t related.

Hi, lyndsiloohoo – Glad you’re here, and I’m sorry your support system isn’t ideal right now. I hope we can fill in some gaps. ‘Since the question was just raised in a different thread today, I’m wondering if you are comfortable talking about your conversion and what drew you to the church in the first place? Sometimes remembering is helpful. But, if that’s not a good train of thought, no problem.

[Author]

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