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Hello all, My divorce with my soon to be ex wife is almost finished.
While we have been separated almost 30 miles apart I am considering strongly moving close to where she lives so I can be closer to my children in hopes of spending as much time with them as possible.
One of my exwife and I’s marital issues, albeit not the reason for the divorce, has been my faith crisis. She, like I, is a convert but she has much more simplistic view of faith that doesn’t have as much trouble with ‘deeper waters’.
If I move back into their neighborhood, we will be in the same ward boundaries. I am considering trying to get active again in church even as the village atheist. I miss my old ward there…it was wonderful…but how on earth would that work with my exwife being there?
Would that be a nightmare?
So here I am…not even active…and I’m actually considering where I am moving based on ward boundaries?
What happens when you live in the same boundaries as your ex? Do you attend the same ward? Would that be a nightmare scenario?
I am looking for some insight. My gut feeling tells me that its a bad idea…as the idea of seeing her in church would be a little unsettling but nothing that probably wouldn’t get better over time. I don’t hate her after all…and I’m sure the kids would love it. I also fear the ward crucifying me as the doubting Thomas who divorced his wife due to X, Y, or Z.
Any thoughts or advice? I am trying to decide where to move and when. I don’t necessarily have to move…my lease is coming up in a few months. I’d like to be closer to my kids but perhaps in this case Is close by too close and basically restricting me from attending?
I am sure others will give you probably some more detailed and better advice, but what I thought of was asking the Stake President if you could move into your ex’s ward, but for now attend a separate ward. I think telling him you want to be close to your kids (a good responsible thing), want to try and become active (a positive thing), and you don’t want to make your wife uncomfortable (a mature thing) that you might be able to get that to work. Just throwing out an option to think about. Why not try attending for a few weeks and see how that goes. It’s not like they would throw you out because you don’t live in the boundarys. I would consider your gut instincts. Consider the following situations:
– Your ex & children sitting on one side of the chapel & you on the other during sacrament meeting.
– You or your ex brings a new “friend” to sacrament meeting.
I joined the church (a long time ago) & after about 2 months my (then) wife decided she wanted a divorce. (situation #1)
She took our daughter & moved from Wisconsin to California. (For me, that was too close.) (no situation #2)
My daughter would visit in the summers. (I’m married to my current wife 42 yr ago.) When my daughter was 13, she moved in with us until
she graduated HS then moved to UT to attend the UofU.
Becoming active again in church & trying to do it within the family situation you described is going to be difficult.
Do you & your ex communicate? Have you talked to her or the children about your thoughts?
I would consider moving close & attending separate wards. If that worked, then you might consider the same ward.
I wish you the best. Divorce is never easy. Especially when children are involved.
Is your relationship with your wife such that you can ask her what she thinks of the idea? She may initially reject it but give it time to settle, she may see the benefit for the kids – and I don’t think it’s hard to keep a little distance from some people in your ward. Dont’ do it. I was in the same ward with my first wife for about 9 months while separated. Every Sunday was bad and no one knew how to deal with you. Sitting in sacrament meeting with your soon to be ex wife in another pew with your kids is like death in slow motion, trust me. I know people for whom it has worked, and I know people for whom it has been a disaster. I know one couple who divorced, shared a duplex and were much happier than when they actually lived together as a married couple. Once the kids were gone, they remarried and have made a very good, successful marriage. Sorry that doesn’t help at all, but . . . I definitely would talk with your ex-wife, if you still have a good relationship. If you don’t, I wouldn’t consider living in the same ward. Period.
The biggest plus, if you can do it the right way, would be your kids seeing maturity in the handling of a divorce.
I don’t know where they live, but is there an option to live close to them without living in the same ward – or are they in an area where the ward covers many square miles? If you can live nearby but attend a different ward, that would be the ideal for most people, imo.
We’ve had a couple in our ward in the same situation, with 1 daughter who was 7 at the time. Wife #1 couldn’t afford to move. She just stopped coming for awhile. The ex-husband remarried pretty quickly and had a baby with wife #2 right away. It was a nighmare for wife #1 (she’s a friend of mine, so I know.) Now wife #1 is engaged and goes to fiancee’s ward, so she’s much better now. I noticed one time that when ex-husband got a calling, wife 1 didn’t raise her arm to sustain him. Made me want to high 5 her!
Hope that helps.
Thank you all. It sounds like it is a difficult thing. She is happy and enjoying going. My gut tells me that me going there would ruin a good thing. I think i will try and attend another ward. I just want to try church again… I agree with GB…and perhaps you could make it work if the ex-spouse relationship is friendly and amicable…but it does introduce a lot of hurdles that may be easier to not deal with. I don’t know where you are and how big the boundaries are, but even if you lived in one area and met with the bishop to say you wanted to return to church but weren’t ready yet to be in the same ward as the ex…they would let you attend a neighboring ward under those circumstances.
I’m in Colorado. I live less than 5 miles from my ex but we are in different stakes. It makes it easier to have that separation.
But moving closer to be more involved with your kids sounds like a good thing…more important than what church or ward you go to.
Jorsen wrote:Thank you all. It sounds like it is a difficult thing. She is happy and enjoying going. My gut tells me that me going there would ruin a good thing. I think i will try and attend another ward. I just want to try church again…
It would still be a good idea to talk to your ex. Assuming of course, that you have a cordial relationship.
I applaud your desires to be close to and involved with your kids and agree with others that it is important. As I thought about your question I can only recall one family in our ward where it happened that both spouses lived in the ward after divorce. All cases and all individuals are different, but the one in our ward was not pretty and went on for years. The mother was more faithful and attended regularly and always brought the kids. The father made it clear the only reason he came was to see the kids. There was an order of protection but the court ruled it was OK in a public religious setting for them to be in the chapel and seeing his kids in that setting was considered supervised visitation (although he was allowed unsupervised visitation). Essentially he came and interacted with the kids but not with her. He was generally hostile to others, especially those who were friendly with his wife. She held callings, he did not and he constantly (and I mean constantly) badgered the bishop(s) about her worthiness to hold callings. She held a temple recommend, he did not. He was constantly taking her to court over property, alimony, custody issues, etc. He actually quit his high paying job and went to work at a hardware store so he could tell the judge he couldn’t pay child support as ordered (the judge didn’t buy it and did not lower the amount of support owed). He was eventually ex’ed and stopped coming to church, the kids grew, married, and left. Mom is still a member of our ward, retired, active in single adults, and has no desire to remarry. In all honestly I think this story is extreme and I would hope that most people wold be on the other end of the spectrum – but extreme or not I think it can be difficult.
I like the recommendation that you go and try out the ward and see how it goes. At least you’ll get a feel for whether it can work and where the bumps and roadblocks might be. If you are going to do that I’d recommend letting the Ex know you plan to visit, and I might be inclined to confidentially clue in the bishop as well – I’d probably try to keep it as low key as possible otherwise.
For this to work I would think that the couple in question would need to be super mature, amicable, and easy going. Ward communites are uncomfortable with divorce and will usually want to pick sides. People are uncomfortable with tradgedy and want to be assured that what happened was someone’s fault. This helps them feel that they are in control of their own destiny and will not befall the same fate. People in your ex-wife’s ward would want to side with her and blame you on some level.
Overall this would not be terrible. You might want your ex-wife and children to have a supportive ward community and this would help facilitate that. In a weird way you could be acting as the sacrificial scape goat to carry away the stain of divorce from your family and help them reintegrate more fully into the community.
Based on what you’ve written, I wouldn’t move into the same Ward as your ex even if I was being paid. Unpleasant circumstances are thrust upon us enough in this life — I wouldn’t walk into one like this…..yes — the Ward might accept you and your wife might not be an issue, but that is taking a risk as we we know how members can be. I would find a different Ward close to the kids and not move into the Ward your ex is in.
My view is a little different. I have watched several couples make this work. In fact they lived within separate boundaries and got permission to attend the same ward. The benefit? The kids have continuity in their church experience and relationships. If you aren’t going to expect your kids to attend a different ward every other week, it won’t matter which ward you are in. But, your kids will feel the brunt of the divorce if they have to alternate wards they attend. This is not as important when they are young, but imagine as youth. They won’t get to serve much in leadership. They will be planning activities and never be quite sure if they can attend. It makes it difficult to forge close relationships with the other youth. I watched my kids struggle with this very issue. Finally, when they were in the youth program I told them to choose a ward to attend every Sunday. The were so relieved when they didn’t feel like the outsider who was only there half the time. I told them it didn’t matter which ward they picked, I would support them. My son picked his dad’s ward and my girls picked my ward. It wasn’t based on where the parent attended, it happened to be the ward where they had the closest friends. They also attended that ward for their weekly activities. One thing I learned from my divorce–the kids hurt the most. I would do whatever was necessary to help your kids cope with Sundays, and just learn to deal with it. After all, we are the adults, and it isn’t always about us. I wish you the best as you figure this out. Divorce is the ugliest thing I ever endured, and I was widowed after I remarried.
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