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Eternity4me wrote:
My view is a little different. I have watched several couples make this work. In fact they lived within separate boundaries and got permission to attend the same ward. The benefit? The kids have continuity in their church experience and relationships. If you aren’t going to expect your kids to attend a different ward every other week, it won’t matter which ward you are in. But, your kids will feel the brunt of the divorce if they have to alternate wards they attend. This is not as important when they are young, but imagine as youth. They won’t get to serve much in leadership. They will be planning activities and never be quite sure if they can attend. It makes it difficult to forge close relationships with the other youth. I watched my kids struggle with this very issue. Finally, when they were in the youth program I told them to choose a ward to attend every Sunday. The were so relieved when they didn’t feel like the outsider who was only there half the time. I told them it didn’t matter which ward they picked, I would support them. My son picked his dad’s ward and my girls picked my ward. It wasn’t based on where the parent attended, it happened to be the ward where they had the closest friends. They also attended that ward for their weekly activities.
One thing I learned from my divorce–the kids hurt the most. I would do whatever was necessary to help your kids cope with Sundays, and just learn to deal with it. After all, we are the adults, and it isn’t always about us. I wish you the best as you figure this out. Divorce is the ugliest thing I ever endured, and I was widowed after I remarried.
Having been a child of divorced parents who, for a while, went through the church back-and-forth I can also attest that it’s very hard on kids. But it’s also a confusing process to go through the separation of parents when the parents don’t clearly define what is being separated and what is not, if that makes sense? If you aren’t on great terms with your ex, it might be even worse for the kids if you go to same ward as her. And I suspect it will also be worse for you.
Even when parents get a long fairly well, in the beginning stages of the separation, the kids are probably going to feel caught in the middle between you two. If things aren’t great between you and your ex, they will definitely pick up on it. The more tension, the worse it is for them. You may hide it well but you’d be surprised with how well children can recognize the dynamics of their parents and then internalize the feelings. If you’re going to the same ward as your ex, those feelings of anxiety and feeling caught in the middle might follow them to church and it might, either knowingly or unknowingly, become a place of stress for them. I can confidently bet you don’t want your kids to feel that way at church. However, if there’s not that tension, it could be good for your family. I don’t know your full situation.
I think you’re right for choosing to go to a different ward.
Just because you can’t live with her doesn’t mean that seeing her on Sundays would be bad. My friend divorced his wife, and did what you are considering, he moved close to his wife and went to church with her so he could see his kids more often. He and his ex became good friends again. It improved their relationship to a point where they could work together closely for the benefit of their kids. It gave her an opportunity to say, “I need to go to the doctor on Wednesday. Can you watch the kids?” Etc… It was good for everybody involved. The kids were the biggest winners. Concerning the ward members: You are a father that is doing his best to fulfill his responsibilities to his children. Nothing more. You love your kids and want to be around them and to be available to them as much as possible. A very admirable, selfless, and noble objective. Hold your head up, smile, and go to ward functions if you feel like it.
Here’s another secret… you can attend any ward you want to for as long as you want to regardless of where you live. If they don’t move your records, great! No callings.
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