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Wow, 25 years and 5 kids is a serious investment. I went thru this myself three times, as a child. Probably played a big role in deciding to stay in my marriage. Hope for your happiness you can both find some left in the tank. If not hope you find happiness on the other side. Wishing you well. Roy wrote:OTOH, That 50% statistic leaves a slight minority that may find themselves in a better place after the dust settles from a divorce.
This would be me…much better place since my divorce. There has never been a moment I second guessed it or wished we should try again. I still remember when my ex served me papers and how happy I was I almost hugged the person who served me…they didn’t know to make of my reaction. I felt like I had been released from the worst calling I ever held, and with a sigh of relief, was glad to be released from it.Circumstances vary, and no two situations are exact.
But some marriages are healthier when dissolved.
The point Roy makes is good…that some kinds of problems don’t go away, and divorce isn’t a solution, it just introduces new trials and struggles, especially when kids are involved.
But had I not gone through what I did…I would not have understood the idea that some changes are better for us.
Kind of like a faith transition. Some leave the church and then miss it and go looking for the empty feeling in their life. Some leave and never look back.
Divorce is like most things in life: more complicated and individual than we want it to be. I believe in teaching the correct principle (do your best to make marriage work – and then do your best to make divorce work, if marriage doesn’t work), NOT the incorrect principle (divorce always is bad and/or selfish), and allowing people to govern themselves.
Update: Things have softened a little after this past weekend. My DW and I are meeting with our bishop tomorrow night and have some weekly counseling visits set up for the next couple months. We’ve even been able to talk a bit without blowing up, and she wants to continue talking each night.
We’ve still got a long ways to go, but there is light at the end of the horizon!
That’s awesome. I like the fact that you guys are communicating. I can never shake that uneasy feeling when someone doesn’t even want to entertain a discussion. Very glad to hear this! Tell her how much you appreciate her being willing to work on it. Great news FS! I am hopeful for the best outcome for all concerned. FaithfulSkeptic wrote:. We’ve even been able to talk a bit without blowing up….
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: Praise for hanging on this long. Really both deserve credit for trying to ride this wave together. It may feel like your not together, but if your both still here – then you both are. I don’t know the details or the key issues – but I know Jennifer Finlayson Fife, Julie Azeved0-Hanks, and Natasha Parker all work with faith crisis couples on a regular basis. Maybe you personally could read/listen to podcasts they have done and get some ideas, or contact them directly for suggestions, even a single skype session. But please pat yourselves on the back for what you are achieving. You both deserve that credit.
6 month update – After several counseling sessions together, things between my DW and I got a lot better. I got a new job and we moved away in August, which was good for us to kind of start over again in a new place, despite the stress of moving, selling/buying a home, kids adjusting to new schools, etc. I’ve really been struggling the past week or so with the new policies regarding SSM, and the explanations that have been given from official church sources. I don’t understand the reasoning behind them and it doesn’t feel inspired of God to me. Yesterday, my DW could sense that I was troubled and asked what was wrong. I told her that I was sad, and didn’t really want to go into it, but I told her we could talk later in the evening. It did not go well. She doesn’t understand why I can’t just have faith and believe. She believes very strongly that the prophet (or the brethren) will never lead us astray. Then she got very emotional and a floodgate of other stuff came out, like she was feeling alone and has had to take the lead in spiritual matters in our home (daily scripture study, gathering kids for family prayer, bearing testimony, etc.). I felt like crap, but didn’t lash back. I just said I was so sorry and that I am not perfect, but I am trying to have faith and do what is right.
It didn’t help that our bishop was conducting in SM and brought up the turmoil surrounding the SSM policy and a discussion he had with his daughter about it. He read a quote from a GA about not listening to voices from strangers in the great and spacious building on social media.
I’ve never gotten over some really bad experiences I had about 30 years ago with the temple endowment and my mission that still cause me pain to this day. I’m afraid these negative experiences are still preventing me from full participation and enjoyment in the church today. I’ve tried counseling before, but I committed to my DW to call today to set up an appointment with a counselor to try again to work through these issues (which I have done). I also want to start again with marital counseling and get into my faith transition issues and how they affect our marriage (we didn’t get that far before).
I know my DW is really worried that I’m going to leave the church. I have no intentions of doing so, but I’m really struggling for reasons to stay (other than staying married and not breaking up our family). I am not edified or uplifted by going to church now – in fact, quite the opposite. My DW made it very clear to me that God (and the church) come before me, and if it comes down to a choice, she will choose the church over me. Ouch! I can’t blame her – she didn’t sign up for this. She thought she was marrying a man with a strong testimony when she married me. I continue to disappoint her expectations for a rightous husband and father in our home.
Not the worst day ever, but I still feel like crap. Any words of wisdom for me?
My first thoughts are – faith crisis and marriage management is a long term job. I believe many gifted counselors are trying to help LDS couples navigate the rough sea’s. Some do make it, a lot don’t. This no ones fault. I believe it is a storm no one is presently qualified to assist with. We are the first one’s out of the gate. There is a lot of guess work, well intended ideas. Please keep that in mind as you go. Don’t see your attempts as failures. The attempts themselves speak volumes. No matter the outcome. Secondly – even if you can’t fulfill the answer, ask your wife what she would like. Listen, let her talk. Most TBM’s really don’t have a place to go or anyone to talk to.
Last of all, hug yourself. You are a valuable being. You didn’t ask for this. None of us did.
Not that this will help, but I am a bit in the same boat. My wife can tell I am settled and my marriage has been cold for years and I had to stop placing 100% of my efforts to fix it. I was just getting too depressed with every bit of effort I could give made zero change or made things worse. She also wants me to take more of the lead with FHE lessons and such, but the things I want to talk about (not even anti-stuff, but the “other view”) does NOT meet her “it has to be from the correlation committee or we don’t even look at it” requirement. So I just back off. Just yesterday I was trying to go to the actual documents/press releases/interviews that the church put out and document my own opinion on the whole situation. I worked on it for a few hours and my wife returned and she said afterwards she was joking, but I got extremely frustrated. Afterwards I could tell it was because of the frustration I was feeling with working through the whole “policy” issue.
I have not told her yet, but I did explain “both sides” to my teenager as he had not heard much about it (just too busy with school and other stuff).
Not sure if this will help, but this is a real honest couple going through the husband leaving and yet they stay together.
http://unequally-yoked.net/http://unequally-yoked.net/” class=”bbcode_url”> https://www.facebook.com/unequallyyokedpodcasthttps://www.facebook.com/unequallyyokedpodcast” class=”bbcode_url”> Best of luck and I hope it gets better.
My hope, FS, is you are able to work through it and find some peace. You have some emotional scars from the past, even 30 years in the past. That is not easy to carry. Keep moving towards positive things and pray the Lord can take the past burden from you.
Quote:Look towards the sun, and the shadows will fall behind you.
-Maori proverbI sincerely hope your new job and location provide some opportunities for things to get better.
Thanks for keeping us updated on how you are doing. I learn a lot from your story.
Thanks LH & Heber. Knowing that I’m not the only one with similar issues really helps a lot. As much as I want to talk to my DW about the issues I struggle with, I just can’t. It only gets worse unless we have a good mediator. I’m seeing a new therapist next week and we’ll see how that goes. Thanks for the pointer to the unequally yoked podcast. I’ll have to check it out!
My advice — talk to your wife the same we recommend you talk to your priesthood leaders. Don’t make any declarative statements about your unorthodoxy or contrarion beliefs. Talk to keep your options open and to avoid any negative consequences. Essentially — fly under the radar. I know that can feel lonely, as I live that life now. I think it’s one reason I have over 4000 posts here as I feel I can be myself and share my thoughts here without negative consequences.
You can see the effects of naked honesty about your feelings toward church issues to your wife — especially if she is TBM. I steer clear of those topics now and am simply supportive of my wife and family. It only upsets them to hear me share my unorthodox thoughts.
I’d also consider meeting her needs for commitment and initiative some gospel oriented habits in your family — like prayer, and scripture reading. The good part about initiating them is you can pick readings that are not disturbing to you in any way. In fact, you can pick ones you find uplifting and discuss those together without broaching any nasty church topics that can cause disharmony.
Keeping the marriage together is important. My wife just got a job at a family law firm and a divorce can really decimate your financial situation and freedom — alimony, dividing assets, two sets of living expenses etcetera. I would do everything possible to keep the marriage on an even keel as you have done, even if that means making a sacrifice and taking the lead on spiritual things on a semi-regular basis — on a schedule you can tolerate.
Hope that helps.
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