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So here I am, doubting everything I was taught and believed in all my life. Born & raised in the church, married an RM in the temple, both of our families are strong in the gospel & members for generations. I have 4 young children now. We live in Utah. The church has blessed my life in many ways. I love it. I just don’t believe it’s true anymore – or at least I don’t believe all of it is true or that it’s the one true church. I have never had any bad experiences at church. I don’t have sins that I’m trying to hide. I am a temple-goer, full-tithe payer. I just don’t believe all of it. It’s a weird place to be. I don’t want to stomp out of the church yelling about this or that, but I want to let go of some of the practices and control it has on my life. And I’d like to teach my kids the good, but with a healthy dose of we’re all just people & you can decide for yourself. I have talked to my husband a little bit. He’s been very understanding so far. At first, it really stressed him out, but last night we talked and he said it was OK. He wasn’t worried. I don’t want him to lose his testimony, and I want to support him in what he wants to do. I just hope that as I am more honest about the extent of my disenfranchisement, he’ll continue to be OK with it. I think he thinks I’ll come around eventually and come through this trial even stronger than before. I don’t see myself regaining the strong, unquestioning testimony I used to have, but I also don’t see myself leaving the church completely or even becoming inactive.
The big thing for me right now is my temple recommend and garments. We both just renewed our recommends, so I guess I have another 2 years. I don’t really like wearing garments lately. They just don’t mean anything to me like they used to. However, my sister-in-law is getting married in the temple in a few months, and I want to attend honestly, and I am not ready for the family to know about my lack of faith, so I plan on being very orthodox until then. Also my brother and his wife are adopting 2 children this summer, so that will be another big family temple occasion when they are sealed. After that, all our siblings will be married in the temple, so I think I’ll have some time to sort through my feelings without it being obvious to the extended family.
Glad to have found a place to chat a little!
Dear Southern – I identify with everything you just wrote. No answers, but just “hello” from someone like you.
Welcome to the forum and sorry you have to be here. It’s a tough time. If your at a place where your husband understands you have doubts, I’d leave it at that. My biggest mistake was trying to work through this with my wife. It put her on a up and down emotional roller coaster that has made it really hard on the both of us. If I could go back I would have worked through it all BEFORE bringing it up. Now it is as a filter permanently over the eyes of her understanding through which all my actions are judged. I find that even if something I do had NO connection to my faith transition, DW links it and it becomes a point of contention. Moreover if she didn’t know about it or the depths of my doubts, she wouldn’t even be bothered by it (such as one week when I decided to grow a beard or another when I wanted to wear a colored shirt to church). Anyways, take it slow and know you are not alone. I’m still at the beginning of my journey (but past what I call the crisis) and my faith is ever changing. Others in this group seem to be very comfortable where they are and are my inspiration. Southern, Welcome. I am pretty new here and already feel like I found a safe place. Your story sounds so very similar to my own and to the others here. Similar story with some very challenging individual elements. Some here have worked it out completely with their spouse, while some are in big trouble with their spouse. I personally am in a similar state as you…my wife knows I am “challenging some things”….and questioning some things that have occurred. It makes her nervous but she is giving me my space. She has said “I don’t want to have to go to church alone like my mom and grandma!”. I think that is telling…she has an emotional need I have to be careful of…and to be honest…I can attend church without issue and can even teach, even though I don’t agree with everything…luckily the church doesn’t babysit you while teaching so I can skip the stuff I don’t agree with
👿 I echo eman’s advice…take it slow…who knows…you might find yourself back in a comfortable space in the church…give yourself time to figure that out. You mentioned the one big problem I have….temple..I can wear garments…I have been for 28 years so no biggie there..but answering the recommend questions scares me a bit…I keep telling myself I can answer the questions in the “context” of “I understand what the church teaches and I am ok with that”
Will I be able to? I dunno. Never have looked forward to going to the temple, EVER. Was weird the first time and the endowment still seems weird today. Some here have developed a great perspective there…in fact either Ray or Wayfarer (can’t remember which) was going to write up a symbolic analysis…need to get on him to do his homework! I am still working through the temple stuff, stick around, there are some really smart folks here with really big hearts and strong spirits….they can help.
Somewhere there is the 5 steps of the faith crisis…be good to read
Welcome. My advice to the new participants is often the same: 1) Don’t act rashly or in an extreme way. Give it time and breathe. Lamaze really does hold the world together (and duct tape, but that’s a different topic).
2) Read through our archived threads. There usually is a discussion that addresses your concerns. Feel free to comment on any of them. That’s bumps them up for discussion once again – and lots of them are old enough that lots of people haven’t read them.
3) Try to be charitable. People only can see what they can see, and it’s not good to rock their boats if they don’t have oars or life vests available.
Welcome, you have found a good place here. I am in much the same place as you. (except I’m not a young mom anymore, I’m getting to be an old mom)
I have found this site to be like an oasis in the desert. Like in the movies where people are wandering from whatever bad thing just happened and they suddenly find a group of people living in a cave or something that all hang out together.
Everyone here is different, and they are all great in their own way. You won’t agree with everyone, because not everyone here agree with each other.
But if you need a loving place to discuss and explore things that you can’t discuss with most members of the church or members of your family, you have found it.
Welcome.
As for the garment question specifically: It is a toughie.
It is up to your own interpretation and your own conscience to follow the rules.
I try to follow the guidance to wear it night and day. As in every night and every day. Do I wear it all day every day? No.
It was important to my husband that I continue wearing the garment, and so I viewed it more a reminder of my covenants with him, and an expression of my love for him.
Right now it has very little symbolism for me beyond that.
There is a great thread on it I will try to find for you.
Hi Southern, Welcome to the forum. I was in your husbands position a few years ago. My DW is no longer active and doesn’t consider herself Mormon (occasionally attends to support the family). She initially expressed concerns around 2008 or 2009 and got a very negative reaction from me. It very nearly broke our relationship. I’m quite ashamed of how negative my reaction to her and the ultimatums I gave her. I was scared, I was uncertain. I thought it would have much worse behavioral implications (it didn’t). When she stopped entirely in 2010 it was still very challenging for both of us but our relationship is now stronger because we based our love and commitment on each other as people, not as active mormons.
I’m glad your husband is being understanding and supportive. I hope that your participation here can help you find a way of still enjoying and embracing church activity in a way for you, or to change your religious practice in a peaceful and harmonious way with your family.
If you have any questions about being a husband on the end of a wife’s faith crisis I can happily offer one perspective among many others. I’ve had my own questions which brought me to this site. It has helped a lot. I’m still attending with my children but am ‘unresolved.’
The following thread about garments has 112 comments. I would suggest reading it, since it has multiple perspectives. http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=3565&hilit=garments#p45648 Hello Southern, Welcome, I think you will find many kindred spirits here. Lots of us like parts (or most) of the church but realize that there are aspects we strongly disagree with. I hope you find what you are looking for here and can find tools that help your life go a little easier.
My wife knows about half of the Q12. I think if irrefutable evidence surfaced that JS was a fraud she’d still believe he’s infallible. Sometimes it makes me wonder if my marriage is built on the sand, ready to crumble. However, the things that I’ve found keeping my marriage healthy are for me to a) share everything with her but don’t dwell on the negative b) don’t try to convince her of anything c) continually remind her I love her and that part of me will never change.
This thread is a survey about how people answer temple recommend interview questions. I found it extremely helpful and made me much more comfortable that I can answer the questions truthfully.
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?p=47556#p47556 Again – welcome.
Welcome, I, like most have found a safe and comfortable place here to express our fears and doubts and I truly hope this works well for you. For those of us who are new to all of this and even those you have been dealing with these issues for years, we find ourselves in a new world,at times a scary world. It is nice to know that others are there to advise us, listen to us and sometimes just love us. I have found that it is starting to feel more like family. Sometimes we do not agree, but usually we are respectful. I appreciate that. I have questioned for years and built shelf after shelf, but this last year I took the time to go back and really study all the issues. Like so many before me, I felt the pain, the sickness, the loss, and the anger. At times I wanted to walk away, just quit, but I too love the church and all the good things that it has done for me and so many others. I also have had many experiences that my rational mind can not explain and I can’t just forget or throw those things away. I like going to church. I like the people at church. I like serving. I love my wife and all this is important to her so I plan on staying and making it work. This site has really helped me do that. It hasn’t changed the church (but I do think that it is and will continue to do that) but it has changed me and the way I look at things. I know that I do have all the answers now and I probably don’t even know all the questions but for the first time in years I don’t have to pretend like I need to. Again welcome and please let us hear more from you.
Welcome Southern! :wave: Glad you found us!
Southern, Let me first express that I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s just a tough thing. But I hope you will find solace in the community here, as I have. Just knowing that there are others who have had similar experiences is a big help. I was born in the church, served a mission, married in the temple. I was a young(ish) father with four young children when I went through it. I am now a grandfather. My wife is still all-in with the church, and we have a great life together, filled with happy times. This site has been a god-send for me. I felt alone for a very long time. It has been so helpful for me to hear the perspectives of others in similar situations, even when they have taken a different path than mine. Welcome. I am grateful that you have found this site and look forward to hearing your voice in the chorus.
Welcome to the forum. After having my faith crisis, I don’t find everything in the church to be true either. What keeps me going to church is me feeling the spirit. Thanks for the welcomes everyone. It is amazing how much better it feels just to know I’m now alone in this, not the only one who’s ever doubted, wondered, etc. Thank you also for the good advice. When I first started going through this (about a year ago), it did feel like a crisis, but the panicky feelings are calming down lately. I don’t feel the need to make dh read and understand every little thing I’ve learned, so that he has to deal with all this with me. Part of me wants that to happen, but I am realizing that I am the one who has changed, and it has been my choice to learn and discover what I have, and it is his choice to not be concerned with that stuff. I am becoming more content with feeling how I feel, and letting him continue to feel how he feels. It’s nice to find like-minded people though, because sometimes I want to shake someone & Does anyone else see this? Does anyone else care? But it’s getting better. I haven’t done anything rash yet. :clap: I am still fulfilling my calling in primary & supporting my husband in his calling in Young Men. I think the YM/YW programs and the scouting program were the start of my questioning. But, that’s for another discussion.Thanks!
I must agree that young mens + scouts really got me irritated enough to doubt the inspiration in those programs… Also….you might find someone else in your ward who has similar feelings….it takes careful proddings and observence but you can find them. Turns out I home teach a very active family (3rd kid just left on her mission) who are in the same place as I am (well he is….she has read a book called a course in miracles or something and she is about ready to go the full metaphysical route)
It is nice to have someone you can chat with every once in a while….
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