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Hi – Today I received the first gentle shot across the bow from my family. I want to be fair about this, but I would also like your thoughts on ways to or if to respond. History – I am the oldest in the family. The only non-TBM. I was a very devout TBM the majority of my life. I had a happy childhood and love my family. FC puts a strain on that. My spouse has left the church. Though not resigned he will never return. He and I both know that. His transition away has been about a decade long. In the years that followed I found/find myself in many of the same places. I continue to attend because I do find things I like about my ward, my calling, and even the gentle inputs I can give. I have not fully shared where I am with my family, largely because we live miles apart and the few times we get together it seems unwise to start a dialogue, especially knowing how the dialogue will likely turn out. Those talks, letters, etc, just never go well. Damage is done that is irreversible and un necessary pain is caused. I have worked to keep connected with my family as authentically as I can. I have worked to respect the divergent sides of the lives I am attached to. My heart was in a good place. How it turns out remains to be seen.
Present – In the mail I received a copy of the most recent GC Ensign with a note, short and upbeat about how there are good talks in there that they think I will enjoy. My parents had noted on their most recent trip that no copies of the Ensign existed. They asked about it, I explained that we can get it online. Clearly that wasn’t the correct answer. My parents are also semi interested on why my husband is disaffected. When I gave the short answer of policies and doctrines. They went on with their opinion that there was an offense or angry at God. I think I am seeing the first intimations of a Rescue effort. I don’t know how to proceed.
Last of all, I have a daughter who loves these people and those relationships to me are important. I don’t wish to add any unnecessary damage.
Friends – you have wisdom. Please share your thoughts with me. What would you do if this were yours? Would you acknowledge the gift? Would you send any reply? Would you send materials like the essays or Rough Stone Rolling?
Mom3: Think about a your good neighbor of
____fill in the blank ____church or multi level company. They have just dropped off a magazine at your house and stated they thought you might like one of the articles. How do you handle it? You graciously thank them for thinking about you, you take the magazine, frisbee it into the corner after they leave, and you go on with your life.
You handle this the same way. Send a quick email, “Thanks for the magazine, now I don’t have to even look this month up online!
Hope your week is going well!! Love, DD”
You don’t have to open up the conversation if you don’t want to. If you are looking for a way to start a conversation about your FC, you can use this as an opening. IMHO, I think life would be easier if you just didn’t even go there.
I am too new to this to give advise, but I wish you the best of luck and return love as much as you can. I’m with AP. Graciously accept the gift as “thoughtful.” If you wanted to go a little farther, you could say something like “I really enjoyed Elder/Sister Soandso’s talk when I heard it. It’s nice to have it in print. I want you to know that I do listen to General Conference and I use the online tools which allow me to make notes and highlight, and that is then available across all my devices.” (This is all true and they may not realize what a great “blessing” it is to be able to do so because they’re stuck in Gutenberg’s world. 
On the other hand, I might also just let it go and not say a word about it.
ap said: Quote:You don’t have to open up the conversation if you don’t want to.
If you want to say something, I would talk to the person you feel closest to & have a general conversation.You can get into as much detail that you want. I would make it very general. Like:
1. I appreciate your concern.
2. There is nothing you have to feel concerned about.
3. If there is something specific you want to talk about come to me directly. I may answer you directly or I may choose not to. It doesn’t mean we are inactive.
4. I don’t want to feel like we are a “project” that needs to be managed by the family.
5. I would remind them of a quote from JS when asked, how do you govern your people & he said:
Quote:I teach them correct principles & they govern themselves
(Other Presidents have similar quotes.)
The choice is yours as to how you want to address this or not. You are an adult.
I consider my adult children some of my best friends. None are active members of the LDS church.
I feel like I can talk to them about any topic at any time & get their best advice. They do the same to me.
(This has been a wonderful surprise for me personally.)
It sounds like they (your family) want the reassurance that you are ok. Maybe that is all they need.
I wish you the best.
Quote:In the mail I received a copy of the most recent GC Ensign with a note, short and upbeat about how there are good talks in there that they think I will enjoy.
Even at my most TBM, I couldn’t stand the Ensign. Blech. My parents also send me a subscription to Reader’s Digest. I’d consider this to be similar, but at least that has jokes and heart-warming stories in it.
Quote:My parents had noted on their most recent trip that no copies of the Ensign existed. They asked about it, I explained that we can get it online. Clearly that wasn’t the correct answer.
They probably think that your husband will accidentally stumble on it and be inspired to overcome his hard heartedness.
Quote:My parents are also semi interested on why my husband is disaffected. When I gave the short answer of policies and doctrines. They went on with their opinion that there was an offense or angry at God. I think I am seeing the first intimations of a Rescue effort. I don’t know how to proceed.
Your parents, your responsibility. Generally speaking, I would say you have to broker the relationship between your spouse and your parents. I’d ask him what he wants you to do with them. Your loyalty is to him first, to them second. Personally, I’d explain that there are real issues that are of concern to him, but I’d also point out what he does agree with. Does he still try to follow Jesus’ teachings? Does he believe in being moral and ethical? What common ground can you identify to alleviate their concerns?
I agree with amateurparent. Look at it as proof that they really do care about and love you, and, from that perspective, thank them. That’s what it is, at the core, so don’t make it more than that.
I know that’s easier to say from the outside than do in the middle of it all, and I know it might not be easy, but it is that simple.
Reconstructed from memory: mom3 wrote:My parents are also semi interested on why my husband is disaffected.
Would this be something that they could ask him directly? I’d hate to get caught up in the middle of that discussion.
mom3 wrote:n the mail I received a copy of the most recent GC Ensign with a note, short and upbeat about how there are good talks in there that they think I will enjoy. My parents had noted on their most recent trip that no copies of the Ensign existed. They asked about it, I explained that we can get it online. Clearly that wasn’t the correct answer.
I have a hard time figuring this one out, perhaps it’s a generational thing? Maybe you could give them a visual example. Place a quad, several Teachings of the Presidents manuals, the SS study guide, Our Heritage, and two years worth of Ensigns on a table then bring out your phone and show them how you actually have all of these things with you in the palm of your hand. Maybe even flip through a few pages of the most recent Ensign on your phone to drive the point home. That’s what did it for me, I got tired of lugging a huge sack of books to church each Sunday. I transitioned to an electronic device but still held on to the physical manuals in my home. Eventually I decided I needed to reclaim all that space, decided to declutter, and recycled several pounds/kilos/stones of books.
I agree with the others. I’d thank them for the gift and move on. It’s kind of like getting a fruitcake or some other gift you don’t really like for Christmas. I say something like “wow, I was just talking to my wife about fruitcakes and how nice it would be to have one.” Then I sit back and hope no one sees through me like the grease soaked, KFC chicken fried sausage biscuit wrapper that I am.
Thanks everyone – I knew I could count on cooler heads than mine. To borrow a phrase from AP – I have climbed down off the wall now. I think the magazine just hit me like a stone. They’ve had years to do that and haven’t, suddenly I open the mail and there it is. Yes it may be the beginning of a Rescue effort, it may have been a parents panicked love response in the wake of SCOTUS, it may be the efforts of a man who has been ill for the past month and is locked in his house with nothing to do.
I am keeping all of your insights with me as I proceed. If I do anything or anything more happens I will share that news. For now I am going to go with the “Thanks. I love you” reply. Fortunately if they really want it, I can add how much I loved Sunday Morning Easter talks. That is sincere, I listened and was uplifted afterward.
On the going forward I will keep a silent plan in mind of specifics for responses, everything from Uchtdorf rock’s talks, to “See it’s all available online”.
On the family connection I will proceed as I have been keeping the door of relationships open and see how it goes. Add a double dose of metta meditation and I should be able to move forward.
Good luck, mom3. I think That Moment – when it’s confirmed that you’ve officially slipped outside the ingroup – is hard. At least that’s how it would strike me receiving an Ensign in the mail. “Hello, have we met??? I’m your daughter and you know I know where to find an Ensign.” But the bigger part of me can just say, “That’s Mom. I’ll call and catch up with her.” When I do that, though, and she still goes there, I don’t run away from the topics. I keep my cool and we eventually just wind up back in family territory. (How’s Uncle Bill doing? Are Dave and Heather definitely moving?) Ann – Quote:when it’s confirmed that you’ve officially slipped outside the ingroup
Quote:“Hello, have we met??? I’m your daughter and you know I know where to find an Ensign.”
I think that is exactly what hit. It was a gentle boundary setter.
The weird irony is my dad’s entire hometeaching list is all the Do Not Contacts and Super Distant from the Church guys. It’s been that way for years. He takes them to lunch, attends their personal events as a friend. He doesn’t do the suit and tie gig, no message, etc. That, too, threw me. Then I have to remember I am his daughter, he already has a clear model (which worked for years, and is still 2/3 intact) of his family tree. He just can’t figure out what to do with the 1/3 branch that is tilted. There are no instructions for that.
Wow – who would have thought the world would change by opening the mail box?
hi mom3, I think it if were me I’d politely acknowledge that I’d received their “thoughtful gift” and then say that I’d read it when I have a chance. As far as my spouse is concerned I think I’d address it by saying something like “timing isn’t right to bring it up to him.” That way they’re not put off forever and it leaves you in the driving seat I think.
Something similar came up with me a few years ago. My wife is pretty strict when it comes to raising our kids but my parents are very lenient on many things and my wife’s strictness causes my parents stress. Once when I was alone with my dad he said something like ‘you know you wife is very strict with the kids and doesn’t give them many options.’ I replied pretty directly with a unified front on behalf of my wife (even though I kind of agree that she can be too strict occasionally) and said to my dad ‘it’s our decision on how we’re raising our kids’ and then quickly changed the subject. It hasn’t come up since then.
I think we have the right and responsibility to support our spouses first.
There’s no doubt you’ll handle this well. I love reading your posts here.
mom3 wrote:Wow – who would have thought the world would change by opening the mail box?
Maybe you should create a sequil to “The Mailbox”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mailbox_(film)https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mailbox_(film)” class=”bbcode_url”> I personally would ignore it. I know they care about me, but if I say I appreciate it I will likely get more of them, and that would annoy me. So, if I just ignore it, while still being kind and loving in the other interactions I have with them, it creates a boundary. You will have to judge how your parents take it, but my objectives in this situation would be to a) prevent more rescue efforts due to the annoyance they provide b) preserve my relationship with my spouse and c) preserve my relationship with my family. Update – I had my first conversation with my parents since the Ensign arrived. I accidently pocket dialed them. We had plenty go talk about on health matters, or we kept the conversation on those levels, but no mention from them or me about it. I am counting it as a good. I can’t say what the future holds, but we did keep a happy chat today. Here’s to hoping it continues.
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