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I do think this is problematic. I can honestly say that I was never once asked about masturbation as a teen, probably because leaders were uncomfortable, and perhaps because of the assumption it’s something only boys do. Instead they just asked if I obeyed the law of chastity, full stop, no explanations beyond that. Nobody was on a fishing expedition. But a leader who was so inclined either through fervor or creepiness would be given access to our kids without any real checks and balances, and I’m not crazy about that. My son, when he was telling me he was done with the church, mentioned that our previous bishop had asked him about this. I tend to think he was just looking for things to complain about in this case because while that bishop was awkward, how hard is it to just answer the question and ignore him? Maybe I’m underestimating the impact of this questioning on a teenage boy, but it just seems to me that without actual abuse or intent to abuse, it’s not exactly a trauma, just IMO a really awkward conversation and one that I think is wholly unnecessary and counter-productive. Can it be abuse? Yes, absolutely. But it wasn’t abuse in this case and usually isn’t. And yes, it is definitely worse for girls given that it’s an older man asking them things, and yet most leaders simply won’t go there, or at least that’s my experience.
I was asked about masturbation, I was asked specifically if I touched girls and where and more details about it. It was awkward and I just told myself to not do anything I wasn’t comfortable answering about to my bishop. It is not easy for a kid to tell an authority figure “I don’t want to answer that”. It is easier for a kid to just lie, and that isn’t a good teaching I would feel comfortable telling my kids. wishful_thinking wrote:I’ve decided that at minimum, if I find a was to make peace with the situation, I want to have a series of preparatory discussions with each child at the appropriate time. I would go over the questions and possible answers. I would clarify boundaries and reiterate that they do not have to participate in any act or conversation that makes them uncomfortable, etc. But even after thinking through that in detail, I am deeply upset at the idea of someone having that sort of access to my child and his or her mind and emotions
I really like this. It is teaching the kids some important things.It is hard in the environment of the church when so many have faith in the priesthood to cover up human failings.
But I always made it clear that I was taught I had authority over my home and my family. Bishops had authority…but not over my role as a father, only over the ward. I took that very serious.
I did tell my bishop I would sit in with my daughters on any interviews. It was not well received. But I did it anyway.
They might encourage you to have “faith in the priesthood”…but…faith is not blind, and faith is not coercive. Listen to your spirit and follow that. You as a mom have more authority over your children than any priesthood holder. Remind them to keep focused on their jurisdiction.
I think times have changed. I don’t think what used to work (or go overlooked) in the past fits our time with our kids. Times are changing. Tell the bishop he needs to accept that.
I’m going to very clear that girls are asked if they masturbate, perhaps not as young as boys but they are asked. I was asked at 16 and was nothing but a “perfect lds girl” by all accounts. I said no and the bishop moved on. We moved into another ward and I was asked “if I used tampons and if they felt too good?” I was so shocked and surprised by the question that I lied and said no to try to get out of there as fast as I could. I was so ashamed for lying to my bishop that I didn’t tell my parents what was being asked. Sex and virtue are so intertwined in young women’s that I thought I must be giving off a sinful sexual vibe to this priesthood leader or why would he ask that? I wasn’t, I was simply a 17 year old girl. So thinkig that girls will not be asked inappropriate questions is wishful thinking. Also simply because you talk with your kids about what questions are ok does not mean that they will be able to stand up to the bishop, scout leader, or whoever has the priesthood authority when they are alone in a room being “spiritually counseled” by said leader. Especially when a Bishop can make the kid a social leper by finding them unworthy. Who are people going to believe a teenager or the bishop. Now I think most Bishops are trying their best in these interviews but I’m not willing to give the church the “the church is perfect the people are not” excuse when it comes to my kids. Dax wrote:I was asked “if I used tampons and if they felt too good?”
What the hell??
(Holy Cow)…I need to borrow your monkey face expression avatar for this!
Dax’s example is exactly why I believe the broad question should be asked and NOTHING else. Talk about worse than stupid. I actually am going to use that example whenever the conversation occurs. If anyone doesn’t understand at that point, I will suggest they invest in a brain transplant.
Heber13 wrote:Dax wrote:I was asked “if I used tampons and if they felt too good?”
What the hell??
(Holy Cow)…I need to borrow your monkey face expression avatar for this!
I’m all over it, Heber!
[attachment=0]funny monkey (2).jpg[/attachment] ^^^yup I’m sure that was what my face looked like. Asking if tampons feel good??? THAT is a perfect example of a question that no female leader would ever ask and one reason why women should be interviewing girls, not creepy old men interviewing young girls. It’s also why I will never go to male gynecologist. If you don’t have the equipment, you’re not the expert. Oh my gosh, the tampon question is so wrong! Ugh! :sick: :thumbdown: As a youth, I wouldn’t have had any idea what to do with a question like that.Youth interviews are a very big concern of mine, for when my kids get to that stage. I still have a couple of years before my oldest turns 12, but it is already causing me a lot of anxiety.
hawkgrrrl wrote:how hard is it to just answer the question and ignore him?
Would you say that even if the answer I yes?I think it would be very uncomfortable. I mean as a married woman and mother, it is obvious that I’ve had sex, yet I would still not want to be asked and have tell someone about it. I think teens are embarrassed about masturbation even if they are not taught that it is wrong. It is a sensitive and insecure time in life. I know girls get insecure about starting menstruation and breast development and body hair, etc. I imagine boys are similar. But if natural changes to your body are “embarrassing, how could something like this not be?
It is worth noting two things: 1) Questions like this, I’m sure, occur in a very tiny percentage of youth interviews.
2)
Even ONE time is too many for questions like that.Such a question simply is unacceptable. Thus, I would love very clear instructions to ask the basic question (Do you live the Law of Chastity?) and nothing more. If the answer is, “No,” or “I’m not sure,” any follow-up should be done by the parent(s) and/or through group discussion of the concept. Repentance can be taught, in appropriate cases, without getting into the details – and the only time details of ANY kind (as general as possible) should be discussed is when someone goes TO the Bishop actively seeking to confess something.
The vast majority of situations are like that, I am sure – but the stupidity that occurs in some cases (and the harm that stupidity causes) is severe enough that they should be forbidden by policy. They already are in the handbook, in vaguer, euphemistic terms. The instructions should be even more clear and direct.
Heber13 wrote:Dax wrote:I was asked “if I used tampons and if they felt too good?”
What the hell??
(Holy Cow)…I need to borrow your monkey face expression avatar for this!
Exactly, Good Grief! I doubt most women would use sanitary towels etc as sex toys. Not the bishop’s business. (It would be useful for young women to be taught about toxic shock syndrome though, which can result from bad use of tampons, or losing the string!)
Enough of that… as a heterosexual man, I’ve never found the notion of tampons remotely erotic, anymore than say, childbirth or a prolapsed womb.
hawkgrrrl wrote:My son, when he was telling me he was done with the church, mentioned that our previous bishop had asked him about this. I tend to think he was just looking for things to complain about in this case because while that bishop was awkward, how hard is it to just answer the question and ignore him? Maybe I’m underestimating the impact of this questioning on a teenage boy, but it just seems to me that without actual abuse or intent to abuse, it’s not exactly a trauma, just IMO a really awkward conversation and one that I think is wholly unnecessary and counter-productive.
Hawkgrrrl – This is the reason you’re one of my role models.Youwould have immediately processed this question and spit out the answer: None Of Your Business. But I think you’re an outlier. My early-50’s brother recently opened up to us about why he left the church all those years ago. First time being asked about masturbation, he lied. Second time, he confessed. After that I think he decided this was messed up. That isn’t the only reason, but it did mark the beginning of the exit.
wishful_thinking wrote:It is a sensitive and insecure time in life.
Asking kids about these things in interviews, obsessing about them in lessons, giving wide berth to the judgers and gossipers is, to my mind, just a
lazy, unkind way out of the responsibility adults have to model and promote healthy sexuality. “Preachers err by trying to talk people into belief; better they reveal the radiance of their own discovery.” There is no quick and dirty shortcut to a long and clean morality. Kids need to feel enticed by it, entreated – not shamed and scrutinized.
As far as the tampon thing… DW never used a tampon until marriage. That was just the way things were done in her house. She knew that other women used them and didn’t see anything sinful in it just that it was not the custom in the household where she grew up. If I remember correctly there was a half assumption that a tampon could de-virginize you. Sooo – if someone comes from this type of environment growing up and there is no open and healthy discussion about such topics they may assume that how they grew up is how things should be.
I agree that this question from a bishop – even once – is unacceptable. I am just thinking how someone from a different time and environment could possibly think (giving all the benefit of the doubt that I am capable of) that the question was helpful.
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